Nelson had somehow managed to turn my oppressive guilt into strength of character. He turned self-doubt into pride. Then he changed the way I looked at us. While I thought about the simple convenience of the two of us making out- because there were no other options- he was looking at us like some fateful, cataclysmic event that was ordained by the cosmos.
And that turned my feelings of blah tolerance into something unnamed and incredible.
“You’ve got all the right words,” I looked up at him and I could feel how my expression had softened. He had done something to me just now- reached into my soul and pulled out the good girl he saw, the good girl I was convinced didn’t exist until he came into my life.
“And you’ve got all the right thoughts.” He leaned down and kissed my temple. “And I want to know them. Tell me what you’re thinking.”
After a few moments of hesitation where I struggled to come up with any kind of response whatsoever, I finally admitted, “I don’t know what to think! I thought you were just excited about the possibility of getting laid. But unless this is some kind of sick game you and your brothers play on all the vagrant girls that happen to fall into your camp, I’m currently at a loss for words.” I paused as if to prove my point, but then launched into another tirade. “Nelson, we fight Zombies on a regular basis, a couple weeks ago you were almost forcefully drafted into one man’s army of weird, while Reagan and I were sold off to the sexual R&R department. You’re asking me to look at the two of us like we’re…. like we’re…. like we’re real, like we could possibly be happy in this upside down world we live in. And I can’t even process that.”
“Yes you can,” he argued quickly. “You probably already have processed it. I watch you think, Haley. I know it’s constantly for you. And I know that if you’re deflecting, then you just don’t like the outcome. So now I have to figure out if it’s because you don’t like the idea of you and me together at all and that’s what’s freaking you out. Or if you’re freaked out for the exact opposite reason- you do like us together.”
I had known the Parker brothers for a total of thirty-four days. Thirty-four. And yet, Nelson knew me better than any one boy ever had. There were all kinds of factors I could take into account over this, like heightened emotions when our lives were being risked daily, or the innate need every living, breathing human being would feel to repopulate the planet until we were the ruling species once again. Or even the fact that we were young, in our prime, without any hint of parental supervision or guidance and left to our own reckless choices, we would always choose to fall head over ass in love and waste away our youth with angst and sex.
But….
But the truth was Nelson seemed right. Was I his dream girl come to life? That was hard to believe- for real, that seemed crazy. But wasn’t he my ideal man? Protective, loyal, caring, focused, smart, funny, good-looking to me, the right combination of possessive and confident. He was everything I’d ever imagined a good man to be. So were we the same? Was I less commitment-phobe and more waiting on the right guy to come along? Was I also just looking for a good guy?
Ugh. Sometimes I really needed my brain to shut off.
“Where’d you go?” Nelson asked patiently in maybe the sweetest voice I’d ever heard.
“A million different places,” I admitted.
“Will you come back to this one place?” His finger tilted my chin up toward his face and his other hand trailed a gentle line down my spine.
“Yes,” I whispered.
“I’ll go slow,” he promised and my mind went silent- the entire jumble of thoughts disappeared immediately so I could listen with perfect attentiveness to all his soul-aching promises and sexy as hell voice. “I’ll let you catch up at your own pace.”
“But?” My voice was barely a whisper, more like an echo of a thought I couldn’t squash.
“But I want this, Haley. I want you. I want you to trust me with this. With us.”
I nodded, giving him my permission and my heart in one silent gesture.
His smile was blinding in its brilliance, his eyes so dark and full of emotion they seemed black. He leaned down achingly slow, with so much care and tenderness my body vibrated with anticipation. His soft lips brushed against mine once, then twice and then he pressed his mouth to mine.
My eyes closed and my stomach jumped at the impression of his lips against my lips. He moved with a sensitivity I was completely unfamiliar with. Adoration this intense had been lacking from my life for the last two years- or maybe for my entire life. Because I had never been kissed like this before- never with so much reverence, so much perfect devotion.
Nelson kissed me like we had forever to stand here, like he wasn’t stacking our relationship up against every obstacle and odd out there. He kissed me like he was trying to win me, and convince me to pick him.
But what he didn’t know was with the first contact of our lips I fell into a place devoted only for him, a place I was sure I would never escape.
Nelson pressed against me with a touch more force and swiped his tongue across my lower lip. I opened my mouth immediately and he took advantage to deepen the kiss. One hand threaded through my hair at the nape of my neck and the other slid under my shirt, holding my hip firmly in his strong grasp.
I was tentative at first- embarrassed with how rusty I was. But soon his insistence and passionate delivery clouded my fears and doubts with exquisite oblivion. His mouth was all I could think about, his soft, expert tongue all I could feel.
I sighed against his mouth, reveling in the consuming heat of his body against mine and the drugging power of his kisses. He had said a lot of things today, and I would think about them later- especially since I was pretty sure we were now something official- but right now all I wanted were his kisses, all I could comprehend was the way he tasted my mouth and touched my body.
Gradually his kisses became more insistent, more demanding and more than ever he was sweeping me away in him.
His hand slid to my back and pressed me tightly against his body. A groan escaped his chest at the feel of how we fit together, which only seemed to drive up my passion. My arms locked around his neck and I found myself completely lost in him.
He left my mouth to explore my jaw line, trailing wet, hungry kisses down my neck, across my collarbone and to the other side of my throat. His grip was tight on my hips now, clutching at me like I was a lifeline, like I was the only thing standing between sanity and extinction.
“Haley,” he moaned into the hollow of my throat. “You need to know-” more seductive kisses that were dragging me into mindlessness. His tongue slipped over my skin, driving me further to the precipice of something I was certain I wasn’t ready for but helpless to stop. He lifted my body so that I was forced to stand on tip toes while he ravaged my soul with his touch and desire. “I’m going to give you everything.” I whimpered a protest that was barely audible. “But you have to give me everything in return.”
I opened my mouth to say something about taking this slow, or maybe just not talking while we were kissing, but then his mouth was back on mine and I was lost to the unequivocal feeling of his perfect mouth on mine. My chest and stomach tightened and compressed with the passion he was pouring into me- pure, raw, so authentic I felt tears prick the back of my eyes.
I had thought so certainly that he was only interested in me because I was available.
But not after this- not after he worshipped me with his mouth, held me so possessively to him with hands that craved always more of my skin. He hadn’t lied; he was giving me everything- every single piece of him. And even if it wasn’t love yet, it would be soon.
Neither of us would be able to stop that from happening.
There was too much in this kiss, in his feelings for either of us to keep love at bay.
My heart pounded with the idea and matched a rhythm with my surging, heated blood. My mind rebelled against the idea of giving into love so young, so isolated from anything decent or humane. B
ut my body, my blood, my heart and soul seemed ten steps ahead of my brain anyway. For the first time in my life, my mind was forced into quiet submission while I let feelings and hope rule my life.
Nelson took a step forward, forcing me back, and back again. Finally, the single bed was pressed against the back of my knees and I was falling. I looked up at Nelson and didn’t notice the musty comforter or the lumpy mattress at all. All I saw was Nelson; all I could understand was the intent in his eyes, the heat in his expression.
Delicious tingles ran through my body like electric shocks and I held my breath, just waiting for him to join me on the bed.
“Haley, you know what I want,” his voice was rough sand, so low it was a growl of unfiltered intent. “Are you going to give it to me?”
Too afraid to say my answer out loud, I asked, “Sex?”
He shook his head, while his lips twitched with amusement. “Not that.” Then he seemed to think better of his response, “Not that yet.”
It was my turn to shake my head at him.
“I want you yes, always. But more than your lovely body, I want what’s inside of it. I want you, Haley. Are you going to give us a chance?”
I nodded, feeling heavy pressure against my chest, holding me in place, keeping my gaze trapped in his.
“Say the words,” he demanded. “I want to hear them.”
“Yes, I’m giving us a chance,” I whispered.
“And I can have you?”
“All of me,” I promised.
He jumped on top of me- but in like a sexy way, like a hunter pouncing on his prey kind of way. His mouth was on mine in a moment and he was drinking me in again, completely altering my entire perspective on life, love and the end of the world.
Suddenly living in the Zombie Apocalypse didn’t feel like the seventh circle of hell. It felt possible and full of potential. All of a sudden a purpose greater than myself, greater than my survival was growing inside of me, blooming into a mission, rising into a conviction, emerging into a crucial philosophy that I was destined to believe in. This wasn’t love- not yet- but it was the greatest, most intense emotion I had ever felt. It beat all of the fear I lived with, the grief that plagued me and the clawing pain of despair. This emotion, whatever it was, trumped even the dullness of depression.
This thing with Nelson would save me.
And not just from Zombies.
From the hopelessness of our world and the incessant struggle to survive. Nelson was purpose, comfort and faith all rolled into one life-altering event that would forever define who I was now.
His hands were under my shirt again, inching their way up my pebbled skin. My own hands were on his neck, then his face, pulling him to me as close as he would go- desperate to connect us in every way. We were lying next to each other, every limb tangled together. He pushed up on his forearms so that he hovered over me, pressing his body down on to mine with exciting pressure.
I kissed a path along the scruff of his jaw, loving how the whiskers scratched my skin, made a tangible mark on my body, proving that I was Nelson’s.
“There you guys are,” a voice panted from the doorway, effectively breaking us apart. “We thought you got eaten by Feeders. We were about to hold a memorial service.”
Harrison.
“I told you not to go in there!” Reagan shouted from somewhere beyond the doorway.
“You have an iPhone?” Harrison walked in to the room completely, ignoring the fact that Nelson was still lying on top of me and murdering him with the stink eye. “This music sucks. Do you have any Lil’ Wayne?” He began casually scrolling through my phone.
“Harrison, two seconds to get the hell out of here,” Nelson growled.
Harrison just waved him off, “Think of it like my education. You know, since there’s no other way for me to learn about the birds and the bees.”
“Oh, my gosh,” I groaned. I covered my bright red face with my hands and scrunched my eyes tightly closed.
“Get, out,” Nelson said slowly, dangerously. “I will not say it again.”
“Listen, nobody wants you guys to seal the deal more than…. Ok, probably you want it to happen more than me. I’ll give you that. But it’s like an hour till sunset and you’ve been summoned back to communal living and a life without privacy. Sorry, big bro, but your family needs you.”
Nelson looked down at me, his expression full of disappointment and concern. Placing a reverent kiss to my temple he slid off me and crawled to standing. He held his hand out and helped me to my feet.
“Is everything alright?” he asked with an entirely different tone and demeanor.
Harrison looked up anxiously then forced himself to hold Nelson’s gaze- like he was demanding his expression to be strong. “Page has a fever. She’s had one ever since we got here and it’s only getting worse.”
I sobered quickly at that announcement. Nelson reached out and grabbed my hand, tugging me to equal footing with him.
“Alright,” he sighed. “You have my attention. Let’s go back to the house.”
Harrison nodded and led the way out of the room. I grabbed my iPhone and charger, yanking them from the wall before following the boys out.
Reagan was waiting in the middle of the barn, looking pale with nerves. “Sorry to interrupt you,” she tried to smile but it was strained.
“It’s alright,” I sighed. “We weren’t doing anything important.”
Nelson shot me a dirty look from over his shoulder and announced, “Not true. I had her seconds from falling in love with me before you two crashed our party.”
“So cocky,” I tsked in a quiet, amused voice.
Nelson turned around so he could walk backwards over to his pack while I stopped to pick up mine and the few tools I had collected. “Tell me then. Tell me you’re not halfway to falling in love with me.”
“I’m not-”
“And remember, there are witnesses to your lies, Haley Gable. We will all know and remember your lies, should you choose, for some foolish reason, not to tell the truth.”
“We’ve known each other for one month and you haven’t even gotten to second base yet and you honestly want me to just declare, in front of your little brother and my best friend that I’m falling in love with you?” I gasped at the insanity of it all.
“That’s exactly what I want,” he grinned at me.
“I’m not little!” Harrison protested but we all ignored him.
“And Reagan will know if you’re lying,” Nelson warned.
I thought Reagan would be on my side, I mean, I had always been on hers. We were best friends, sisters in arms, simply girls forced to endure bathing in natural bodies of water and giving up our dream of laser hair removal.
“He’s right, Hales,” Reagan smirked at me. “I’ll know if you’re lying.”
“And here I thought you were on my side!” I tugged my pack on and we collectively moved toward the barn door with our guns raised, safety’s off.
“Don’t worry,” she grumbled. “Hendrix will give you plenty of opportunity to pay me back for my betrayal. I promise.”
I snorted a laugh because it was so very true. Then I decided to just go with it. “Fine, Nelson, you want to hear that I was seconds from falling in love with you on that bed? Then yes, most definitely if you would have kept kissing me like that, holy smokes, I would have signed over my virginity in blood because I was so in love with you. The problem is we stopped. So…. I guess, we’ll just have to see how this plays out now that we’ll never get another moment alone together again.”
I thought I was being funny. Reagan laughed. Harrison and Nelson were oddly silent- awkwardly so.
Finally, when we were just steps from the back door to the farmhouse, Nelson asked, “You’re a virgin?”
The blush was back! And not because a very personal fact had been announced and repeated. Oh no, the redness in my face and humiliation washing over me was all because of the excited, awed tone in Nelson’s voice. I felt s
tripped bare by his tone and pushed into an intensely intimate moment by the look on his face. This was so not the place to have this conversation.
“Can we just go inside?” I whisper-pleaded. “We’ve exposed your brother to enough sex-ed for a lifetime.”
Before Nelson could respond, Harrison cut in with a, “There’s just a few missing parts. Mostly anatomy lessons, nothing huge. And since we don’t have any books or movies, if I could just see-“
“Stop right there, little pervert,” Reagan waved her gun around in the air. “Not happening. Not ever. Got that?”
Harrison grinned from ear to ear and ducked into the house without giving Reagan a reply.
She cleared her throat and flashed an apologetic smile my way. “Well, I guess that answers that...”
Inside the house, things were quiet and tense. Hendrix paced helplessly in the kitchen while King and Vaughan hovered over Page. She lay on a long, plaid couch in a living room just off the dining room.
I ignored Hendrix, even though Reagan didn’t, and walked over to check on Page. Her eyes were shut tight and her skin, pale and ashen. The blinds had been opened to let in natural light and a blanket pulled over her tiny body.
I could see she was shaking from chills and before I even touched her head I knew her forehead would be burning up.
I knelt down next to her, easing in between Vaughan and King. They moved out of my way like I had some kind of authority here, but probably they were just happy to pass the torch.
Illness was out of any of our realms of expertise and the smallest sickness could be life-threatening to any of us. Page was worst case scenario for us and I hated the idea of her suffering anything, let alone facing something as scary as death because there were no such things as clinics, doctors on call or antibiotics anymore.
It would be almost impossible to even figure out what’s wrong with her unless she had an obvious symptom.
I laid my hand gently on her forehead and she leaned into the touch like it was soothing. Her skin was hotter than Hades, and my entire body sagged with that knowledge. My heart started thrashing in my chest and my relaxed mind was suddenly at work, struggling to find any solution to soothe her pain and suffering.
Love & Decay (Season 1): Episodes 1-6 Page 22