“What?”
“I’ve talked to Jo a few times. I know you’re leaving at the end of the spring. Carson really likes you. Like, really likes you. And if you keep leading him on the way you are, you’ll break him when you leave.”
I’ll break him? Does Dillon have any idea what it will do to me? I don’t lead people on. If Dillon thinks I’m playing a game with Carson, he’s wrong.
“Do you think I’m just looking for a fling or something? Because I can assure you, that’s not what this is.”
He turns to look at me. “Then what is it?”
I open my mouth, then close it. I can’t answer him. I honestly have no idea what Carson and I are doing.
He smiles. “I thought so.” He sits there for a minute or so before he speaks again. “Let him down easy, okay?” He stands and wipes the sand from his shorts. “I’ll see you later.”
I stare after him as he walks away. My whole body is shaking. Why does Dillon care so much? He doesn’t seem like the type who would care about his friend’s feelings, as crappy as that sounds.
The more I sit there, though, the more I realize he’s right. I am leaving. I don’t want to hurt him. And what does he even see in me anyway? I have so much emotional baggage that could explode at any second and he can still stand to be around me? I don’t even like to be around me.
Dillon’s right. We shouldn’t be together because I bring him down. I know Lucas said I should share my feelings when I like someone, but I can’t. Lucas didn’t get the chance until it was too late and look where that got him. If I don’t say anything to Carson about how much I’ve come to like him, my feelings will eventually go away. It will be like we never even met. He’ll forget about me soon enough. After all, there are plenty of other girls around here who would love to have him.
I close my eyes. I don’t want to hurt him. He’s so . . . good. But if I really feel the way I think I feel about him, then I have to let him go. I can’t keep stringing him along when I know I’m going to leave him. It wouldn’t be fair to either one of us. And I’ve heard horror stories of long-distance relationships. Most of them don’t last. Better to break it off now in person than through a text message from another state.
I walk back to Jo’s house, ignoring her concerned look when I come through the door. I head straight for my room, lie down on my bed, and sob in the darkness.
CHAPTER 18
DEAR OAKLEY,
REMEMBER THAT BOX OF CRAP I USED TO HAVE HIDDEN IN MY CLOSET AS A KID? AND NO, DON’T TAKE THAT LITERALLY. LIKE COOL ROCKS AND MARBLES AND STUFF. I STILL HAVE IT. MY OLD COWBOY HAT IS IN THERE, TOO. I CAN SEE YOU FROWNING RIGHT NOW. I KNOW HOW MUCH YOU PRETEND TO HATE MY HATS, BUT YOU KNOW THEY RULE.
I’LL PAY YOU FIVE BUCKS IF YOU WEAR IT AROUND FOR ONE DAY. THERE’S FIVE BUCKS IN MY BOTTOM DRAWER, TAPED TO THE BACK OF IT. IT’S YOURS. BUT ONLY IF YOU WEAR THE HAT.
I TRIPLE DOG DARE YOU.
LOVE, LUCAS
There is no way I’ll ever wear that hat.
I didn’t see Carson yesterday but he texted me late last night and told me he’d pick me up Wednesday morning.
I’m still in a bad mood from both of my not-so-awesome encounters yesterday with Carson’s dad and Dillon.
I decide on shorts and a red tank. My red flip-flops match perfectly and I keep my hair down. I haven’t worn it that way in a while.
Carson picks me up early and, to my surprise, has something in his hands I’d never thought I’d ever use again.
“Rollerblades?”
His grin is huge as he hands me a pair with pink laces. “Aren’t they awesome? I thought we’d start the morning off right.”
“Is Rollerblading really that big a thing around here? Because I haven’t worn those for like ten years.” I finger the pink laces and smile at all my Rollerblading memories from childhood.
“Haven’t you seen people wearing them on the boardwalk? I see a few a day at least.” He glances at my blades. “Hopefully they’re the right size. I kind of guessed.”
I peek at the tag inside of one. It’s an eight. I’m a seven and a half. “Close enough.”
“Great. Let’s get going then.” He has two helmets in his hand and grins when he sees me looking at them. “Safety first,” he says, winking.
I thought biking with Carson a few weeks ago was hard but it’s nothing compared to Rollerblading. Once I get the skates on, I can barely balance enough to stay on my feet. I know it’s been a while since I’ve done this, but this is ridiculous. I hang onto a palm tree near the boardwalk and watch Carson skate around like it’s nothing. I swear he’s good at everything.
He cracks up at the terrified look on my face and holds out a hand. “You coming or what?”
“I think?” I let go of the tree and roll over to him without even moving my legs. Maybe I’ll just have him pull me along. That would be easiest, I think.
“It’s just like walking.”
“I know. It’s just been a long time.” It takes me a few minutes but once I have the hang of it, I’m gliding next to Carson without using him for support.
“See? I knew you could do it.”
“It’s coming back to me!” I glance over at him. “Race ya!”
“You’re on.” We book it down the boardwalk even though I’m still being a little cautious. Oh, how I wish Lucas were here. He loved these things even more than I did when we were little.
Carson passes me, then slows down for me to catch up and I laugh. “I forgot how fun this is!” I pick up speed, weaving around a few people jogging on the boardwalk. Carson stays either right beside me or behind and I can’t keep the smile off my face the entire time. I’m glad we did this today. It will be a good memory of the last time we’ll be together before I go back to Utah.
“We’ll stop at the boardwalk if that’s okay.”
“Sounds great.”
We’ve been blading for a while now and my legs and lower back are starting to ache. Hopefully I’ll be able to make it back to home later. Once we near the pier, I realize something. “Um . . . Carson? How am I supposed to stop?”
“Just slow down and you’ll eventually roll to a stop. Or you can turn in kind of a circle and stop, but maybe we should just stick with you slowing down for now. . .” He trails off and grins.
But I can’t slow down. We’re kind of in a hilly area. Not really a noticeable hill, but I’m definitely going faster rather than slower. Before I know it, my arms are flailing and I’m headed toward a garbage can on the pier.
“Hold on!” Carson shouts and before I can react, he reaches out and grabs my hand. I jerk around in almost a complete circle and slam into his chest. I don’t know how he doesn’t fall over but somehow he holds us both up as we laugh our heads off.
“Dumpster diving in the morning? Don’t you have anything better to do?”
I giggle and push him away, rolling backward into the garbage can, which sends us both into another fit of laughter.
Once I gain my balance again, I plop down on some grass near the trail. “So, are we Rollerblading on the pier? Is that allowed?”
“Not exactly. Just a second.” He glances past me and waves. I turn around and see Keilani heading toward us, a plastic bag in her hand.
I look back at Carson, who’s grinning. “What is this?”
“I told you I wanted to spend the day with you, so I came prepared.”
“Hey, you two,” Keilani says. “That was some wild Rollerblading work, Oakley. I was sort of hoping you would take a dive into that garbage can.”
“Yeah, I’m pretty sure Carson was too.” I glance at him and he just shrugs.
“So, here’s the stuff you asked for.” She hands Carson the bag. “You owe me.”
“I know.”
“I’m glad we understand each other.” She grins. “Everything else is underway. Hand over the blades and I’ll take them back to the shop for you.”
Carson takes his Rollerblades off and hands them to her, and after a
moment’s hesitation, I do the same.
Once Keilani has the Rollerblades, she backs up. “I’ll see you two later.” She winks and leaves us alone.
I watch her walk away as Carson fishes through the bag. “Here you go.” He hands me my red flip-flops.
“Where did you get these?”
“I told Jo that Keilani would be over to get them after we left. I didn’t want to carry the bag while we were rollerblading in case you . . . wiped out or something.”
I nod. Makes sense.
“You ready?”
“Yep.”
He helps me up. “Time to get acquainted with Huntington Beach.”
The day goes by slow at first. I’m grateful for every moment I spend with him, so it’s a good thing. Carson shows me around everywhere. And I mean everywhere. A surfing museum, historic sites around the pier that I know I won’t remember the names of . . . but it’s okay. As long as I’m with him, nothing else seems to matter.
Carson holds my hand wherever we go and I’m happy, but I still can’t get the words Dillon said out of my head. I don’t want to hurt Carson. And Dillon’s right. I will hurt him when I leave next month. Or the month after that. Whenever Mom’s ready, I guess. The point is, I need to focus on getting over Lucas’s death. That’s the whole reason I came here. He’d be disappointed in me for putting all my efforts into a relationship when I’m supposed to be getting myself together.
The rest of the day goes by in a blur. We finally eat at Ruby’s for dinner, which is yummy and awesome because it’s surrounded by water around the pier. Once we finish, though, there are so many people around the shops and pier that I start to feel a little claustrophobic. Carson takes me home so I can change my clothes into something more comfortable since he said I might get chilly wherever we’re going next. Once I’m freshened up, Carson takes me across the street to the beach.
It’s still pretty light outside and I watch the tide slowly come in as the sun starts to go down, and as usual, I slip my shoes off to walk in the shallow water. Carson leads me down the beach until we reach the spot where I first met him. Close to the tide pools.
There’s a blanket already set up on the sand with a picnic basket sitting in the middle of it. I glance around. Obviously someone was just here. I’m guessing Keilani had something to do with it.
“You like it?” Carson asks as we sit down.
“Like it?” I glance at him, trying not to cry. “I love it. Thank you.”
He shrugs and I see a slight blush hit his cheeks. “I just wanted to do something nice instead of making you surf or Rollerblade or do stuff you don’t really care to do.”
“You haven’t made me do anything I didn’t want to do.”
“Good. Sorry if your legs are sore. My ankles are killing me actually.”
“Mine too, but it was worth it.”
He smiles and leans back on his hands, his legs stretched out in front of him. “The sunset is nice tonight.”
“It is.”
We’re sitting close but not super close, and as much as I want to cuddle with him, something’s stopping me.
Stupid Dillon.
“You’ve been really quiet today. Everything okay?”
I turn to look at him and nod. “Yep.”
He stares at me for a second before sitting up. “You’re sure?”
I nod. I’m not about to go into it. He’s been so sweet today. And not just today. I sigh. I don’t know what to do.
Carson reaches for the picnic basket. “I thought we could eat a little dessert and then I invited some company to play games.”
“Sounds great.” I wonder who he invited.
He pulls out two pieces of cheesecake and I’m sure my eyes are huge as I watch him set it on a small plate in front of me. I hope I’m not drooling.
“You like cheesecake?”
“Um . . . yes. My favorite.”
“Great!”
I’m not afraid to finish my piece, even though it’s enormous. As soon as I pop the last delicious bite in my mouth, I hear a shout from behind.
“Hey, guys!”
I turn around to see Keilani and Dillon walking toward us. Dillon sits down right next to me and Lani sits on his other side. “Bring on the games,” he says. He gives me a strange look and I glance away.
“Thanks for bringing that basket down, Lani.” Carson says.
“Of course. I told you, you’d owe me.” Lani laughs. “Nothing like your little sister tagging along, right?”
“Best company ever,” Carson says. He nudges my shoulder. “Besides you, of course.”
I give him a small smile. I’m not sure about the company now that Dillon’s here.
We settle into a few games of Phase 10. The worst game ever. I call it Phase Hour 10 because it goes on for-freaking-ever. I suck at card games so it isn’t a surprise when I lose.
“Good game, Oakley.” Dillon smiles and nudges my shoulder.
“Thanks. I’m a natural.”
Carson laughs. “You’ve really never won a single game?”
I shake my head. “Nope. I told you, I suck.”
“I’m sure you’ll get better if you play more often.”
“Not likely.”
He laughs.
After talking for a while, or I guess listening to Lani and Dillon talk, argue, and talk some more, Lani yawns and stands. “I’d better get home. I have school tomorrow.” She holds out a hand to Dillon, who looks reluctant to take it. “And you have work, I believe.”
She shoots him a look and he sighs before taking her hand. “Yeah, I do.”
“Have a good night you two,” she calls before slipping her arm through his and walking away. Dillon looks back a few times, his eyes meeting mine before he turns around for good. I know what he’s trying to tell me.
I need to let Carson know it’s over now. But how can I do that when it’s been one of the best days of my life? I glance up at the stars, wondering if Lucas will help me be strong and my breath catches. The stars are beautiful tonight. Brighter than I remember.
“The stars look awesome on the water tonight,” Carson says. He scoots close, wraps an arm around my shoulder, and kisses my temple. I don’t scoot away, just enjoy these last few moments with him.
“Yeah.” It’s all I can say without losing it.
I can’t do it anymore. I have to let him go before I get too attached. Because I’m attached already and it’s not like we’ve even been together that long. Which might make things much easier. Maybe it won’t hurt as much.
We sit in silence for a while, listening to the waves crash onto the beach. I tell myself to remember this moment. The way Carson’s arm feels around my shoulders. The smell of the salty air, the beautiful bright stars glistening over the water. I don’t realize I’m crying until Carson says something.
“What?” I ask. A tear slides down my cheek and I wipe it away quickly.
“Are you okay?” He reaches out and wipes another tear with his finger.
I shake my head. “No. I’m not.” I pull away and stand. “Thank you, for . . . all this. For everything. But I’ve got to go now. I’m sorry.”
I leave him sitting there and start down the beach, hoping he’ll take the hint not to follow.
“Oakley, wait!” I hear his feet in the sand as he catches up and I cringe. I don’t want to do this but I have to. I have to let him go. “What’s wrong? What did I do?”
“Nothing,” I say, stopping to look at him. “You haven’t done anything. That’s the problem.” You’re perfect and I don’t want to hurt you, but we can’t be together. I’ll just end up leaving and never see you again.
He reaches out to me but I step back. “At least let me walk you home.”
“I can walk home myself.”
He frowns. “Something’s up, Oakley. Talk to me. What’s wrong and how can I fix it?”
“There’s nothing to fix. I’m just . . . sorry I got too close. I’m sorry about everything.” I turn to l
eave again but he grabs my hand, soft and gentle, but enough to pull me to a stop.
“Oakley, wait,” he says, pulling me closer. “Please. Talk to me.”
“There’s nothing else to say.”
He stares at me a moment before dropping my hand. “Right. Nothing else to say.” He takes a deep breath and runs a hand through his hair. He looks agitated. Even a little angry. “Do you do this to everyone who cares about you? Push them away? Or am I just lucky?”
“I don’t push people away.”
“Really.” He folds his arms and frowns. “For some reason it’s hard to believe you. What about your mom?”
“What about her?”
“Ever since you came here I’ve seen you talk to her maybe once. I see the way you avoid each other. Just like you’re trying to avoid me now.”
“I’m not trying to avoid you.”
He sighs and reaches for my hand. “Help me understand what the problem is then. I care about you, Oakley. And I thought you cared enough about me to talk to me about things. I thought we . . . today was . . . awesome. Wasn’t it?”
“It was.” I try to shake off the emotion that creeps in. “And I do care about you. That’s the problem.”
“You caring about me is the problem?” He raises his voice and glances around before stepping closer. “If you care about me so much, then why are you walking away from me right now?”
I meet his gaze and want to tell him exactly how I feel. How he’s wonderful and amazing and makes me feel alive—something I haven’t felt since before Lucas died. But I can’t do it. I’m a coward, too afraid to fall in love and be happy, too afraid of possibly losing someone else I love.
“I’m sorry.” I gesture to myself and then to him. “I can’t do this anymore.”
“Can’t do what? Our relationship? Help me out here, Oakley, because obviously I’ve done something to piss you off enough to break up with me.”
“You haven’t done anything.” I shake my head, tears fill my eyes. “I’m just . . . sorry.” I turn around, take off running, and don’t look back.
CHAPTER 19
DEAR OAKLEY,
EVERYONE WAS SO SAD WHEN THEY VISITED ME TODAY. I KNOW IT’S MY FAULT. EVER SINCE I GOT SICK IT HAS BEEN A BURDEN ON EVERYONE. AND I’M SORRY FOR THAT. I WISH I COULD MAKE YOU GUYS HAPPY AGAIN.
Love, Lucas Page 15