by Martin Roach
My own favourite part of this exuberant review is when Clarkson points to the ‘snow and ice’ button on the steering wheel – bringing to mind the months and months of high-tech wizardry and boffin-like development injected into that safety setting and the world-leading technology it possessed – only for him to dismiss it by saying, ‘That’s irrelevant!’ (Note: James May enjoyed the 430 so much that he went out and bought his own.)
Going back to the review of Pink Floyd drummer Nick Mason’s F60, the Enzo, after all the shenanigans and fooling around with the musician’s new book, Clarkson’s review of this landmark Ferrari was superb. His hyperbole was without limit as he said he’d never known such ‘savagery’ and at one point clearly cannot think of anything clever to add, instead just relying on his emotional instinct and saying, ‘I wish you were here.’ And that’s another part of Top Gear that we love – we all wish we were there too. Often the presenters say exactly what you might be thinking while watching them at home. This happened again at the end of the piece, when Nick Mason left the Enzo behind and flew home in his helicopter and, as Clarkson himself asks, ‘Why would you do that?’
Jeremy’s Ferrari love affair was first seen way back in 1995 when he appeared on Jeremy Clarkson’s Motorworld and called the red supercars ‘sex on wheels’. But he wasn’t a brand snob. In Series 5, it was hard to ignore the pure exhilaration he obviously felt when testing the madcap Ariel Atom. This ingenious piece of British engineering from a company with only seven employees unleashed a brain-distorting burst of acceleration, largely thanks to having its chassis on the outside of the car, a mechanical exoskeleton which made the end car almost literally as light as a feather. In fact, such was its lightweight purity that it actually boasted more bhp per ton than even the Enzo. This left the car with a 0–60 time of just 2.9 seconds.
When Clarkson reviewed it, he began by saying, how many middle-aged men died on motorbikes purchased as some kind of mid-life crisis impulse buy? Instead, why not buy the Atom, a genuine four-wheel alternative to a superbike (likewise, with no roof and no windscreen)?
Notably, the Ariel Atom is one of the most popular Top Gear trading cards because on it is a brilliant picture of Clarkson’s face almost literally ‘melting’ as the brutal acceleration pulls his cheeks back to behind his ears. It makes for hilarious viewing as Jeremy shouts that he looks like an alien or The Elephant Man. Aside from the gags, he loves the car; it even qualifies for a Power Lap time because it’s commercially available and can negotiate all standard speed bumps. The Stig’s lap time – sans any music as there is no stereo – was a blistering 1.19.5, second only at that point to the Enzo and even somewhat quicker than Porsche’s flagship hypercar, the Carrera GT. Clarkson eventually declares that he has never known acceleration like the Atom and that it’s the most exciting car he’s ever driven. For all his controversy, it’s hard to see how a compliment like that can’t be anything other than a huge boost to the tiny car manufacturer. (Note: Top Gear later released a radio-controlled toy version of this mad vehicle.)
Another classic high-speed lap for Clarkson came in the aforementioned Caparo T1, a road-legal racing car designed by the same people who developed the legendary McLaren F1. The car had a registration plate and lights, as well as indicators and, in theory, space for a passenger so the Top Gear team felt it was worth a power lap to see if the T1 could beat the then-Power Lap leader, the bonkers Koenigsegg (1.17.6). Like the Atom, there was no stereo for the tame racing driver’s tunes but unlike the Ariel, this particular beast cost a massive £2,235,000.
However, the Caparo T1 was not a car with a simple history: its mechanical development was plagued with problems because the team behind it were trying to achieve an engineering feat that had rarely been rivalled: to put Formula 1 speed and power on the British roads. As mentioned, when the car was tested by rival show Fifth Gear’s Jason Plato (a touring car champion), the engine had set on fire and Plato suffered burns to his face and arms. Clarkson made light of this chequered history by saying the Top Gear emergency team usually consists of ‘a van with sticking plasters and aspirin in it’ only for the camera to pan across to a fleet of ambulances, paramedic motorbikes and even an air ambulance helicopter! He wore an F1 safety suit and helmet and was clearly a little apprehensive.
And he had good reason to be cautious – the car had 575bhp (more than most Ferraris) but weighed ‘less than a patio heater’ according to Clarkson. This meant that its ratio of bhp per ton was double the Bugatti Veyron and the 0–60mph time was equal to that superlative VW engineering masterpiece. Sure enough, Clarkson was blown away by the speed, saying he had never felt acceleration like it. The speed was akin to the Atom, but he criticised the T1’s handling as carrying way too much understeer and even went so far as to say that on the roads this issue, mixed with the seismic power, could prove highly dangerous. After several repairs and numerous lightning quick laps, Clarkson was energised but with reservations; they then unleashed the Stig in the T1.
Back in the studio, Jeremy reveals the mind-boggling lap time of 1.10.6, a full seven seconds faster than the mad Koenigsegg … only to immediately take the car back down as it was incapable of going over a speed bump. Clarkson said the nose was so low, it couldn’t even run over Gandhi.
In Series 2, the Top Gear team had already lapped without incident in the ‘modest’ standard Koenigsegg but since then, matters moved up a notch. This unique supercar manufacturer is the brainchild of its namesake founder, a Swedish multi-millionaire who made his first million importing frozen chickens into Estonia and was inspired to create the car when, as a five-year-old, he watched a movie about a local bicycle repairman who made his own racing car. Koenigsegg was very serious about speed: when his standard Koenigsegg achieved a top speed of 242 mph, it beat the world’s previous fastest production car (a record that had stood for years) – the McLaren F1’s 240mph; then the Bugatti came along and smashed the Koenigsegg’s fastest, so the competition was on for yet more speed.
When Koenigsegg delivered the souped-up version known as the CCX to Top Gear in Series 8, the lack of a rear wing meant the car did not have sufficient downforce to lap the track at high speed without spinning off – as The Stig found out when he bowled into a tyre wall. This incident attracted criticism for the show’s treatment of the cars themselves. The tabloid headline, ‘TOP GEAR YOBS WRECK £1 MILLION CAR’, fuelled a series of articles saying the team were essentially ‘road thugs’ for having mashed up the brutally fast Koenigsegg CC8. Behind the scenes, the Swedish manufacturer shipped the car back home and fitted it with a small rear spoiler, then dutifully flew it back to the UK. Rumour has it that The Stig suggested this modification and he was proved correct. And the result was a brand new lap record of 1.17.6. (Note: Koenigsegg say the faster time was a result of more than just this one alteration.)
The fastest-ever lap around the track, however, was in a Renault Formula 1 car: the French F1 team had been watching the Top Gear Power board time grow faster and faster, usually hovering around the 1.20 minute area for most supercars and so they contacted the programme to say they could get their 2005 F1 car – as used by Fernando Alonso to win the Driver’s and Constructor’s Championship – around in under a minute. Who better to drive at the helm than The Stig? The feature was a fascinating and clever foil to allow Top Gear to describe the technology and engineering brilliance behind a F1 car: we were told that they needed 16 engineers on site just to start the car up and given a long and breath-taking list of performance stats.
With more than half the lap at full throttle, The Stig took the car round and pipped 183mph on the straight. In as much as The Stig is a mysterious character, this piece also reminded viewers that he is a phenomenal race driver too. Even though the track was greasy, the car went round in a ridiculous 59 seconds dead. Back in the studio, Clarkson asked Hammond to take the Renault’s leader board-topping time down because it was ineligible, but The Hamster was unable to reach it.
On the subject
of Renault Formula 1, Hammond himself has driven one of their cars around a track. Although he was seen spinning and initially struggled to even pull away from the pits, don’t be misled into thinking he wasn’t doing exceptionally well. Dr Kerry Spackman has worked in Formula 1 for years, including at McLaren and Jaguar, and he explains why such a car is deceptively difficult to drive: ‘For a while Richard couldn’t even drive it fast enough to get to the point where it was working properly: he couldn’t get the tyres up to temperature, it wasn’t driving fast enough for the wings to work and he was crashing the car and sliding off the track, it just wasn’t in the operating zone. In an F1 car everything is just so much faster, it’s like facing my tennis serve as against facing Andy Roddick’s tennis serve. In an F1 car, you are walking on a tight rope.’ This is an opinion backed up by many former racers, such as Sir Stirling Moss who told Hammond in their one-off interview show that, ‘there’s a very big gap between the best amateur and the poorest professional.’
While driving the F1 car, Hammond could also be seen and heard shaking and sounding as if he was being ‘roughed up’. This is no surprise to Dr Spackman: ‘It’s hard to appreciate the sheer violence you experience in a Formula 1 car, it’s unbelievable. If, for example, you are going down a normal road and you jam on your brakes as hard as you possibly can so that everything in the backseat flies forward and your tyres are screaming, that’s probably 0.8 of a G, if you’re lucky. Formula 1 racing cars routinely pull 5 to 6G under braking, so the driver’s body weight goes to half a ton. At that point, their head is the equivalent weight of someone sitting on it, but at a right angle, and that weight is bouncing on you. It’s banging you from side to side while you’re trying to do the most delicate actions and yet drive at the highest speed; it’s like being shaken around and beaten up while trying to do brain surgery. They didn’t have time to explain all that in the episode when Hammond drove the F1 car, it’s just a whole different thing.’
Unlike the old Top Gear, the new generation rarely ventures into the world of competitive motorsport. Where its predecessor enjoyed a close relationship with rallying, for example, and regularly reported on F1, the new Top Gear typically only dabbles in this area when famous racing drivers come on the show or world champion drivers help them with their stunts (for example, Mika Häkkinen teaching Captain Slow to rally).
Perhaps one of the oddest but most entertaining motorsport features was when Richard visited a man who’d built a monstrous drag racer from scratch in his kitchen, but he couldn’t actually get out. Along came Top Gear to help him axle-grind the wall off his kitchen and extract the car with a mini-digger and some precarious-looking ramps.
It was all good fun but on a more serious note, the most direct involvement of the new Top Gear in actual racing came when the team took part in the Silverstone Britcar 24-hr Race in Series 10, Episode 9. Previously, they had made some bio-fuel by planting rapeseed, but James allegedly bought the wrong type of seed and so they produced a vast quantity – 500 gallons – far more than they needed. Rather than risk the wrath of eco-campaigners by throwing this fuel away, they chose instead to enter the race at Silverstone to use it all up.
The trio had thought the race was an amateur’s paradise, a good old bit of British stiff-upper-lip racing, a spot of lunch maybe and jolly good fun to be had by all. However, when they arrived at the circuit Clarkson was horrified to find a mélange of supercars, Le Mans-style hypercars and motorhomes that would put the Formula 1 paddock to shame. Immediately, they knew that they’d massively underestimated the challenge. Officially, they were the only ‘Novice’ racers on the track and as such had to have a sticker on their rear bumper to declare this, presumably to alert the multitude of overtaking cars. As he pushed his helmet on ready for qualifying, Jeremy said it was unquestionably the scariest thing he’d ever done.
Initially, all went well and Clarkson and Hammond completed some strong flying laps; then James May went out and forgot to do a third lap, therefore failing to time. In desperation they sent out their secret weapon – The Stig – who ensured they were not in last place, much to the delight of the team.
Further setbacks hindered them, with their car being rebuilt so late in the day that they had to start from the pit lane, but eventually they made it to the start … just! In the first hour, The Stig made up twenty places and then it was over to Clarkson who, for once, did not clown around at all, not even for a second. This was serious stuff and his usual jovial remarks were missing. Later he explained that there was so much to think about, to concentrate on, that he couldn’t make any remarks or even contemplate being a TV presenter, it was so demanding. After a sterling effort by James, Captain Slow pulled into the pit as he was getting dangerously tired; he handed over to Hammond, who only a year or so after his near-death experience in the jet car was initially brilliant, but then crashed again – fortunately this time with no injuries or dramas other than a massive three-hour rebuild of the car. When he limped into the pit, the engine refused to restart and there was a long list of damaged parts. By the time the fixed BMW rejoined the race, they were in last place.
So they sent The Stig out again and he made great progress, before Clarkson brought the BMW home in a highly emotional state, tears trickling from his eyes as he crossed the finishing line. It was all compulsive Top Gear stuff and made the viewers at home think that perhaps they should do more of those serious pieces.
Notably, this particular race was an example that Richard later gave of how he was still recovering from his horror smash in the jet car. Previously, he’d joked that his exemplary driving skills were insufficient for him to cherish designs on being a racing driver himself: ‘I’m too polite. I say, “After you” – I’m a bit rubbish! Most racing drivers are nuts.’ But the reality of this particular Top Gear challenge was more striking for him, personally. He said that at the Britcar Race, he felt that he’d reacted more unpredictably than he might have prior to the jet-car crash. To be fair, given that he’d almost lost his life one year previously, hurtling around a track at high speed and in the dark would test the most resilient of nerves. But Hammond believed there was more to it than that: ‘I was scared and nervous. It was making me argumentative, angry, thinking I wasn’t good enough for the job; feeling awful.’
Perhaps of all the many Top Gear supercar and sportscar features, one stands out above all else. In Series 1, the team set themselves a challenge to find out which nation builds the fastest supercar. Why, Britain of course! And the car in question was a rusty old Jaguar XJS. To be fair, they actually fitted the old banger with nitrous oxide canisters (known as ‘noz’), which added a colossal 500bhp extra! Still, the ensuing drag race saw the Jag leave a Porsche 911 Turbo, a 360 Ferrari and a Corvette in its wake. So, who says Britain doesn’t make great cars?
CHAPTER 19
The Polar Trek
Without doubt one of Top Gear’s most ambitious, entertaining and as it turned out, controversial shows was ‘The Polar Special’, broadcast in July 2007. By their own definition the show had come up with a true ‘epic’ this time.
Their aim was simple, if a little lunatic: Jeremy Clarkson and James May would race Richard Hammond in 24-hour sunlight to the Magnetic North Pole. The original intention was to coincide with the annual Polar race but eventually it was just filmed independently. This time the duo’s weapon of choice was a heavily modified Toyota pick-up truck (that car again!), with Richard racing against his fellow presenters using only a sled pulled by a team of 10 Canadian Inuit dogs. The car-bound pair also genuinely planned to (and indeed, did) use the car’s SatNav System, even though the Magnetic North Pole is not a fixed point and had in fact moved 100 miles since 1996 (the True North Pole is some 800 miles further north). Essential modifications were made to the truck, such as raised wheel-arches, adding 38-inch ice tyres, an auxiliary fuel tank and some tinkering with the gear ratios. In all, 240 man-hours were spent making the cars fit for the incredible trek ahead.
The logist
ics of this particular show were way beyond the usual demands placed on the production team. There was a very real possibility of death in temperatures that regularly sink below -65°C. No one underestimated the challenge ahead and the team spent months preparing the show, which according to their own production notes was, ‘our most technically challenging and scariest film ever.’ It was also the first episode of Top Gear to be shown in high-definition.
By their own admission, the trio were not exactly polar-hardened explorers. Clarkson said he’d been on bi-annual ski-ing trips a few times and Hammond had done nothing that might prepare him for the trek, although May took reassurance from the fact that he’d once built a really big snowman on his own. Weeks before the trek itself, the three presenters had to be specially prepared for the arduous journey ahead, flying out to Austria to undergo a harsh-weather training boot camp. There, a crack squad of polar explorers and survival experts taught them how to survive in temperatures that can kill an ill-prepared person in minutes. One piece of advice was to take a shovel and a gun, if they needed the toilet. As well as the film crew, they were accompanied by a doctor, a mechanic and also a member of the Special Forces. Guns were taken as the Arctic is home to over 60 per cent of the global polar bear population.