by Bill Condon
I turned and walked away, but she caught up.
‘Wait a second, will you?’
Emma put her head on my shoulder.
‘Don’t go away, Bri … please don’t go away.’
I was doing my best to hide my face.
‘I’ll see you down the paddock, then … in a few days.’
‘You’d better, Bri Talbot. You’d better.’
I didn’t feel like getting out of bed ever again. I felt like the whole world knew how dumb I’d been. I kept looking at myself in the mirror and saying ‘You fool. You stupid fool.’
But after a few days Emma rang me.
‘Where’ve you been?’
‘Nowhere.’
‘When will I see you again?’
‘I don’t know.’
‘Tomorrow. Okay? Be at the paddock tomorrow.’
‘Is there any point?’
‘Sure there is. We’re friends. Remember?’
I hauled my bruised carcass to the paddock, hanging back, not sure any more how close I should get to her — physically or emotionally.
Emma put her hands on my shoulders and studied me.
‘I’m glad you came back, Bri. If you hadn’t I would have come after you — and then you would have been in big trouble.’
She pushed me backwards.
‘You big jerk.’
27
I was starting to think Auntie Joan was staying for ever. Even she and Dad were keeping the peace. But then one night she bought a bunch of flowers for Mum, cooked a baked dinner, and opened a bottle of champagne.
Building up to something …
‘So now, the reason for the champagne — drum roll, please …’
Auntie Joan beat her hands against the table.
‘Please don’t keep us in suspense,’ said Mum.
‘All right then. You know my friend, Carol?’ She held Mum’s hands. ‘The one who lives in America?’
Mum nodded vaguely.
‘Well, it’s her birthday in a month or so. Big bash for her fiftieth. She’s been at me to come over for ages, and I thought to myself, yeah, I really should.’
Mum forced a tight-lipped smile.
‘My neighbour wants to take care of Sassy — she’ll have another dog there to play with. And things are going good here. You seem so happy and well, Ruby.’
Mum let go of her hands.
‘It’s perfect timing. I can stay at Carol’s place and she’ll take me to see the local sights — she’s in New York.’
I could almost hear the click of Mum’s brain as it switched gears. She collected plates from the table, clattering them together noisily.
Auntie Joan ploughed on.
‘Then I thought I might have a look around the rest of the country. Catch a Greyhound bus and live the gypsy life, which I love. It’s going to cost an arm and a leg, but I’ve got savings and I suppose I can sell the car — I know I’ll manage somehow.’
Mum carried the plates to the sink. Auntie Joan followed her.
Back at the dinner table I sat quietly, listening, waiting …
‘So what do you think? Your big sister off to see the world. Isn’t it exciting?’
‘Yes.’
Cold as ice.
‘You’re not upset or anything, are you, darl?’
‘No. Why would I be?’
‘I don’t know, you just seem a little —’
‘I’m not upset.’
‘I haven’t seen Carol for so long.’
‘Fine. Good. You go to your friend. Have a wonderful time.’
Mum began washing the dishes, running the water hard in the sink.
Auntie Joan turned back to me helplessly, her face saying ‘What can I do?’
‘But you will be coming back, won’t you?’ I asked hopefully.
‘Of course, darl. It’s for a month or two at the very most.’
Mum swung around.
‘I want you to have a holiday. You deserve it.’
‘But?’
‘But it would have been nice if you’d had the decency to discuss it with me, Joan. Maybe I would have liked a holiday too. Did that ever occur to you?’
‘But you don’t know Carol, darl.’
‘That’s got nothing whatsoever to do with it!’
‘Just tell me calmly what the problem is.’
‘It’s not hard, Joan. Think! All this talk about family and closeness and you sit here knowing all night that you’re going off to America to some friend and you have never mentioned it once. Not once. All the nights we sat up talking — me pouring my heart out to you —’
‘I’ve only just made up my mind.’
‘All those nights that I thought we were sharing.’
‘We were.’
‘No! The whole time you had another agenda. This coming here — being with me — it was just doing your duty. You couldn’t wait to get away.’
‘Rube, don’t do this.’
‘Do what? Tell the truth?’
‘If I’d thought for one second you still needed me here, I wouldn’t have considered going.’
‘Need. Need. You’re always here if I need you. The moment I stop needing you, you’re gone. You’ve always done this to me.’
‘Done what?’
‘I don’t want a nurse or a babysitter! I want a bloody sister!’
A plate hit the floor and smashed. Mum bolted to her room, Auntie Joan close behind her.
‘Rube, let me talk to you. Ruby —’
The door slammed.
I was hoping it would blow over, that Auntie Joan would change her mind, but a week later she packed her bags.
‘I wasn’t planning to go so quickly,’ she said, ‘but there’s so much to get ready. I don’t know how I’ll do it all.’
Mum sat on the bed, chewing at a ragged fingernail.
‘That night you told me,’ she began, ‘I’m so sorry about what I said. I don’t know what comes over me — why I talk like that. It’s all so ugly. But I didn’t mean any of it, Joan. I was selfish and childish. It’s just that I’ve loved having you here so much …’
‘I know, darl. It’s all forgotten.’
‘Then why can’t you stay a bit longer?’
‘If I don’t make the move now I’ll never do it.’ She stroked Mum’s face. ‘I really love you, you know, Rube. And you were right, I should have asked you if you wanted to come, but to be honest, I was being selfish too. I wanted some time for me. You know?’ She sighed. ‘It’s not a very sisterly thing to say, I suppose, but it’s the truth.’
Mum hugged her.
‘I love you too,’ she said, all teary again.
‘Come here, Bri.’ Auntie Joan held out a hand. ‘You’re not getting out of this. Come on.’
‘Do I have to?’
‘Yes!’
I dragged myself over to them, a liar through and through, because all the time I wanted to be hugged. It was good being close to them. Safe in a cocoon. I had a feeling that ‘safe’ wasn’t going to be around a whole lot when Mum was on her own, so I soaked up every last drop.
‘You take care of my girl, won’t you, Bri?’
‘For sure.’
‘He won’t have to take care of me,’ Mum insisted. ‘I’m fine now. There’s not a thing wrong with me.’
Right. Sure.
I gave Sassy one last wrestle, then Mum and I stood at the front gate and waved as Auntie Joan drove off, tooting the horn all the way up the street.
28
I didn’t want to put my problems on Emma, anymore than I’d already done, but I knew I had to at least mention it, so I slipped it into the conversation. No big deal.
‘Will you be okay?’
‘Yeah, yeah, no drama. Mum’s much better now.’
Make it sound convincing, Bri.
‘You sure?’
‘Positive.’
She seemed to buy it. She must have been so relieved.
‘Hey, Bri, what are you doing Wednesday night?’
&nb
sp; ‘I’ll have to check my diary. I’m very busy.’
‘So that means you’re free?’
‘As always.’
‘Want to meet me at Coco’s then?’
‘That pizza place across the road from the station?’
‘That’s the one.’
‘Why? What’s happening?’
‘I thought you’d never ask. It’s my birthday!’
‘Really? I didn’t know that.’
‘I have one every year. Now listen closely. It’s Coco’s Pizza, Wednesday at six. You have to buy me a present — a family-size pizza to eat all on my own. That’s all I want.’
‘Family size? I don’t know if I can afford that much.’
‘And I might have a couple of other friends there too. So are you coming?’
‘I’ll think about it.’
‘Bri!’
‘Okay, okay. I’ll be there.’
A pizza was never going to be enough, not for her birthday. And it would be like a going-away present, too — something for her to remember me by when she was in Canada. So it had to be special.
The only presents I’d bought before were for Mum and Dad. I didn’t think Emma would go for a pair of slippers or a carton of stubbies.
I asked the blokes at work.
Norm: ‘Box of chocolates. That’s what I always get the missus.’
Eric: ‘Sexy knickers. Sheilas love ‘em.’
Bob: ‘Get the girl flowers, Dreamy. You can’t go wrong.’
Flowers and chocolates seemed pretty lame to me: what you buy when you can’t think of a real present. And I hated the idea of going into a lingerie shop. I’d hung around those shops a few times before while Mum bought things. They were always dripping with bras and stuff, and females of all ages and sizes, selling, buying, and ‘just looking, thank you’. Like they have shark alarms at the beach, I half-expected the ‘PERVERT’ alarm to go off when I walked in. It wasn’t so bad when I was there with Mum. I wore sunglasses and spent most of the time tying up my shoelaces, again and again. But to go on my own? To actually go up to a girl and say I wanted some sexy underwear? To which she might reply, ‘Is it for yourself, Sir?’ No, there had to be something easier I could buy Emma.
As I drifted around town, I saw a shop called Equine World. They had saddles and bridles — all too expensive. Horse feed. ‘Happy birthday! I got you some horse feed! No, that didn’t sound right.
‘What can I buy for seventy dollars?’
The salesman pointed to a red and blue horse blanket.
‘On special this week only. Give it to you for sixty-eight.’
‘Deal.’
Wednesday. Six o’clock. Coco’s Pizza.
I sat down and ordered a Coke. Two girls at the next table kept looking at me and smiling. I smiled back. I checked to see if my fly was done up. All clear. I wondered what their problem was.
Six-fifteen.
‘Hey, Bri!’
Emma. So full of life. She bear-hugged me.
‘Happy birthday.’
Before she could respond, the other two girls were at our table.
‘Emma!’
‘It’s so good to see you guys!’
They got bigger bear-hugs than I did. And then …
‘Bri, these are my two very best friends, Claire and Marie. I showed you their photos that time at my place.’
Happy faces. Friendly smiles.
I waved as if I was seeing them off on a long journey, instead of standing right in front of them. Straight out of the ‘How to be a Dork’ handbook.
‘I told you I’d invited a couple of my friends. Remember, Bri?’
But you didn’t say they were girls!
‘Sure, I remember. It’s cool.’
‘We had to see Emma before she went to Canada,’ said Marie. ‘How long is it now, Em?’
‘Another week.’
‘Wow — Canada — so exciting.’
‘So cold,’ put in Claire, shivering.
‘Claire and Marie go to my old school, Bri. We’ve known each other since we were like — five or six. Haven’t we, guys?’
‘And we always get together on each other’s birthdays,’ Claire said. ‘It’s usually just the three of us, so you must be pretty special, Bri.’
Emma’s fingers laced around mine. ‘He’s not bad.’
Can someone die of embarrassment?
We ordered our pizza and drinks and the girls swapped catch-up stories:
Whatever happened to …?
Did you hear about …?
Then out came the photos.
‘Look, Bri, here’s the three of us in our daggy school uniforms.’
Long grey skirts that almost reached their ankles. Shapeless blue hats, wide brims.
‘Private girls’ school,’ Emma explained. ‘All very posh and proper.’
‘Except for us,’ said Marie. ‘We ruined the image a bit.’
‘I hope you’re still doing it,’ Emma replied.
‘Of course.’ Claire nodded. ‘No guts …’
And all three cried out, ‘No glory!’
‘So how come you left there?’ I asked Emma. ‘Couldn’t hack the uniforms?’
‘No. Dad’s law firm wanted him to head up their new office down here. He left the decision up to me.’ She draped her arms around Claire and Marie. ‘I hated to leave you guys, but I knew it was a big opportunity for Dad. And it helped that he found a great house with a paddock nearby for Zeb.’
‘How’s Zebbie going?’ said Marie.
‘Could we go and say hello to him after this?’ asked Claire.
‘He’s fine. And sure you can see him. He’ll love it.’
‘He’s eating like a horse,’ I said, desperately hoping they’d be impressed at how witty I could be.
Blank looks all round.
Oh well.
More photos.
The hockey team. Birthday parties. Marie asleep. Claire eating. Emma with her head resting on a boy’s shoulder. Tall, dark and handsome.
I caught Emma’s brief frown at the other girls for bringing that photo.
I tried to sound casual.
‘Who’s he?’
‘Just some guy I knew.’
Would that be how she described me some day?
And finally, out came photos of the choir, which prompted a loud and laughing rendition of ‘Amazing Grace’.
‘You girls in the back row’ — Emma put on the toffy English accent of one of her old teachers — ‘Stop mucking about, you lot. This is a hymn, not a bloody pop song!’
Snorts of laughter.
‘In ten years’ time we should have a school reunion,’ Marie said. ‘Invite all our teachers and we wear minis or bikinis — would that freak them out or what?’
‘The shock would kill them,’ said Emma.
Claire clapped her hands. ‘Then let’s do it!’
I’d been anxious at first, not knowing what to expect from Emma’s friends, but they were good to be around.
And then it was time for the presents.
There was a CD of some all-girl acapella group from Claire, and a heart-shaped necklace from Marie.
‘This is so cool. Thank you!’
More hugs and kisses. She loved those things. Why couldn’t I have got her something like that? Because I’m stoopid, I told myself, as I placed the present in front of her.
‘I told you I only wanted a pizza.’
‘Oops, I forgot … better open it anyway.’
Emma tore the wrapping into shreds.
The moment of truth.
She stared at the present, not knowing what it was at first.
‘It’s a horse rug,’ I said, in case she thought it was a giant scarf. ‘For Zeb,’ I added, so that she knew I didn’t think she was a horse.
Claire and Marie looked at each other, suddenly not sure what planet I was from. They waited for Emma to react, which was taking a while because she seemed a bit stunned.
‘Thank you,’ she s
aid quietly. Then her face screwed up like she was about to cry.
Why couldn’t I have played it safe and got her some flowers or chocolates?
‘Come on.’ Claire took Emma’s hand.
‘Toilet,’ said Marie, brushing past me.
‘All three of you? Together?’
‘Get used to it.’
In under five minutes they came back, exchanging glances, the flicker of a smile. What were they up to?
‘Emma’s like our sister,’ explained Claire. ‘We have to look out for her.’
I nodded, having no idea where this was going.
Emma rolled her eyes. ‘I told them you were all right, Bri, but they’re like the CIA.’
‘It doesn’t hurt to make sure,’ said Claire, getting in the last word.
They stopped talking. As awkward silences go, this one was right up there. Maybe it was my turn to say something.
‘If this is about the horse blanket, I can take it back.’
‘No way,’ said Marie.
‘He has no idea,’ added Claire.
‘Bri,’ said Emma, ‘they like you — I like you — because of the blanket. It shows you’re thoughtful and kind. And different from other boys.’
‘True.’ Claire nodded. ‘If you’d bought her sexy undies you were a dead man.’
‘That is so typical of most boys,’ said Marie. ‘And so off. But a horse blanket, now that’s weird — which means you and Emma are a perfect match.’
‘We are?’
Emma answered by kissing me, right in the middle of Coco’s Pizza. The pizza cook clapped. Claire and Marie cheered. And for once I didn’t care who saw me or what they thought about me. Like the cheese on my pizza, I melted.
29
When I went down to the tunnel that night at work I didn’t need to read the dictionary to help the time go by. I had so many warm, comforting thoughts in my head. I lived the night at Coco’s all over again. More than ever I knew that I really did love Emma. She made me feel like I had a place in the world.
‘Oi, Dreamy. You shoulda come back a half-hour ago. I been working me arse orf.’
I’d slept. For the first time in the tunnel, I’d slept.
‘Sorry, Eric.’
He walked away mumbling, ‘Yeah, yeah.’
His arse was too big anyway.
I expected Mum would stop taking her tablets when Auntie Joan left. Crash and burn. But she was determined.