by Iain Dale
Having ascertained that the process wouldn’t necessarily take years or be too complicated, I plucked up the courage and said to my partner: ‘You know you’ve always wanted a child, well…’
His reaction rather shocked me. ‘Trust you to wait until we’re too old,’ he said, and left it at that – apart from reminding me that we didn’t have a spare bedroom and were in the process of buying another property in Norfolk. I felt slightly deflated at his reaction, but decided not to argue about it. Maybe the status quo was for the best.
But were we really too old? I was fifty and he was forty-eight. Neither of us feels particularly old and I certainly wouldn’t have wanted to adopt a new baby, but maybe society expects parents to be under the age of forty and frowns on people who don’t belong to the ‘norm’. But, then again, society used to frown on gay parents, didn’t it?
There are, of course, people who still find the concept of gay parenting difficult to deal with. Some imagine that, if the parents are gay, it inevitably means the child will grow up to be gay. It’s nonsense, of course, but there are still such people around. Then there are the very few people who still equate homosexuality with paedophilia and imagine that gay parents will prey on their children. They are wrong, of course. There will be the odd gay parents who do that, but surely not on the scale of straight parents, who more commonly abuse their children.
Prospective gay parents need to worry about barriers being put in their way. Of course there are rigorous background checks. There should be. But adoption charities and local authorities now positively welcome applications from gay parents (and older parents), and it can take under a year for the application process to be completed. If you want to adopt a baby, the wait can be longer, but if you are willing to adopt an older child, or even siblings, you can expect to be fast-tracked.
There are 68,000 children in care at any one time in this country and the number rises all the time. Not all of these are available for adoption, but there is a huge shortage of foster parents who are willing to foster children for anything from a week to several years. For some, fostering is more appropriate than outright adoption, although for me it would never work as I am sure I would get too emotionally attached too quickly.
Whenever I host a radio discussion about adoption, I have to admit I do often wonder what kind of parent I might have been. To be honest, I’m not sure it would have worked. But I’m sad it never happened as I know my partner would have been a brilliant dad, and, for that, I shall for ever retain a feeling of abject guilt.
Media coverage of gays has come a long way
As Attitude celebrates a milestone birthday, you might expect me to round up how far gay rights have come in the last twenty years. But, frankly, we all know that many legislative battles have been won, and there aren’t many more to fight. But is it the same with media coverage?
Back in the late 1980s, Section 28 allowed many tabloid and broadsheet newspapers to launch vicious attacks on gay people – the likes of which I’d like to think we wouldn’t see today. Indeed, it is fair to say that, by and large, even papers like The Sun and the Mail are far more sympathetic towards us than they ever have been before. That’s not to say that there isn’t room for improvement. There is.
However, it would be crass to pretend that on issues like civil partnerships, or celebrities and sportspeople being comfortable declaring their sexuality, times haven’t changed. Even on equal marriage, the most homophobic parts of the Daily Mail have struggled to be as outraged as they once might have been.
The one paper that doesn’t seem to have got the message is the good old Daily Express, whose readership is, admittedly, mostly over sixty, if not seventy. In 2010, they carried the headline: NOW ASYLUM IF YOU’RE GAY – THEY MUST BE FREE TO GO TO KYLIE CONCERTS AND DRINK MULTI-COLOURED COCKTAILS, SAYS JUDGE.
Now, as someone who has boogied his arse off with the Prime Minister, only feet away from Kylie’s bum, and has also enjoyed the odd multi-coloured cocktail (non-alcoholic, of course), I had to laugh at that one. But, in many ways, it was no laughing matter and it led to a demonstration outside the Express HQ.
The truth is that most newspapers are led by the lifestyles and proclivities of their readers, and the editor of The Sun knows full well that most of his readers have a much more liberal attitude to gay issues than they did even ten years ago. That’s why, when Tom Daley came out, their copy oozed understanding and empathy in a way that, as little as five years ago, would have been incredible. Even when they had a front page EXCLUSIVE on his boyfriend being the ripe old age of thirty-nine, the article itself was less prurient than a normal Sun reader might have expected. And the next day, on its front page, was not only a story with the sympathetic headline, POP HUNK PAL WHO HELPED DIVE STAR COME OUT, but also a story about a girl who believes she is a boy. This wasn’t a sidebar story – it was the main front-page splash. Twenty years ago, one can only imagine the headline Kelvin MacKenzie might have used, but, instead, in December 2013, it was headlined: I’M A BOY, SAYS TWIN GIRL, SIX – MUM FIGHTS BIGOTS. And, inside, was a double-page spread giving a totally sympathetic hearing to the mother.
The blanket positive coverage given to the footballer Thomas Hitzlsperger’s decision to come out, and the story of Robbie Rogers, the former Leeds player, were further examples of how far things have come. However, it would be nice to think that, in ten years’ time, neither of these events, nor Tom Daley’s very public coming-out, would rate more than a couple of lines in a sidebar on page fifty-eight. The fact that celebrities declaring themselves gay is still considered news shows there is still some way to go before full equality is achieved. The day when a boy-band member doesn’t consider it necessary to announce to the world he is gay, but merely turns up to an awards ceremony holding hands with his latest beau, will be the day when we can think to ourselves that our work is done.
It’s easy to criticise the press, especially the tabloid press, but let’s not pretend that their coverage of how gay people are being treated in other parts of the world is anything other than exemplary. Vladimir Putin will have been furious to see page after page ridiculing his anti-gay laws.
So yes, the media can be infuriating and outrageous at times. But let’s acknowledge that its coverage of gay people and gay issues has changed for the better in the last few years. Credit where credit is due.
Please don’t hit me
I’m lucky. I have been with my partner for more than eighteen years and, in that time, we have barely exchanged a cross word. We’ve never had a full-scale row. ‘Yeah, right,’ I can hear you saying. But it’s true. Of course, we have the odd disagreement, but I can’t recall a single occasion when we’ve had a screaming match or slammed a door in high dudgeon.
So, when I read an article that claimed one in four gay or bisexual couples have experienced some form of domestic violence, it took some time to sink in. I know no one, gay or straight, who has been on the receiving end of domestic violence. Yeah, right. Who am I kidding? Given those statistics, and I imagine they are no different among straight couples, I must know someone who is carrying a dark secret, it’s just that they haven’t shared it with me – or probably anyone else.
Domestic violence comes in many forms. It’s not just about physical violence: it can be about mental torture too. I’ve often wondered why victims of domestic violence stay in their relationships. I suppose it must be because of unconditional love and they imagine things may get better. But do they ever?
Not that I have ever been in the situation, but I have always imagined that, if it happened to me, it would be the first and last time. I’d quit the relationship with barely a second thought. That’s all very well in theory, but as those who have been in the situation will no doubt confirm, it’s usually a lot more complicated than that.
It’s not necessarily the physical violence that has the deepest effect. It’s the way it can blow your self-confidence and eat into your self-esteem. After a while, it can lead to chronic depress
ion.
I don’t pretend that I am qualified to advise people who are in this situation. I’ve looked up on the internet what the professional advice is and it doesn’t really seem to go very far. Advising people to involve the police is not necessarily the only way forward.
The worst thing one can do is to bottle it up and pretend it isn’t happening. I suspect you have to get over the feeling of embarrassment and acknowledge that, because it’s happening to you, it will inevitably be happening to others. You may feel alone and on your own, but, in reality, you are not.
The old cliché ‘a problem shared is a problem halved’ is something to hang onto. OK, it’s not something to tell an acquaintance, but telling the right person can be an enormous help. Just having someone listen is a start.
In the end, domestic violence is about control. One part of the relationship wants to exert physical or mental control over the other. It can be for a variety of reasons, including the fact that the person committing the violence may also suffer from self-esteem issues. This can often happen in relationships where one partner is seen as more successful than the other. Instead of talking it over and admitting to the other what the problem is, literally thrashing it out seems an easier option. It’s followed by tears and contrition, but if it happens once it will inevitably happen again.
Some people still think it’s a myth that domestic violence can ever happen to men. They need to wake up. They still think that to admit, as a man, to being abused by another man is somehow to appear less than masculine. It actually takes a real man to accept there is a problem and ask for help. I’d like to think, if it happened to me, I’d be able to do that, but, if I am honest, I suspect I’d be like most others and shut my eyes and hope the issue would go away. Sadly, that rarely happens. It will only ever go away if the issue is confronted. Easy to say, more difficult to do – especially if it has been going on for a long time. But, with courage, it can be done.
There is a national helpline for LGBT people experiencing domestic violence called Broken Rainbow.
Tel: 0300 999 5428
Why do gays have such a shit taste in music?
‘Loved your column in Attitude,’ wrote my Sky News journalist friend. ‘Brings some ballast to the magazine.’ Er, thanks, I thought. I’m not sure he’ll agree once he gets to the end of this one, though.
‘Why is it that gay men have such a shit taste in music?’ queried another friend to me the other day.
Somewhat bridling, I asked what on earth he meant.
‘Well, it’s all Kylie, musicals and Eurovision with you lot, isn’t it?’ he explained helpfully.
Well, he’s got a point, hasn’t he? I don’t mind admitting that my own musical tastes play up to that stereotype quite nicely. Abba, Roxette, Sparks, the Pet Shop Boys – you get the picture.
A couple of years ago I attended a very rich friend’s sixtieth birthday party where Kylie was the main cabaret act. We were all strutting our stuff at the front of the stage to ‘Better the Devil You Know’ when someone whispered in my ear: ‘Do you realise we’re only 6 feet away from Kylie’s bum?’ I turned round to find David Cameron giggling. Anyway, I digress.
I’m sure there are some gay heavy metal fans out there, but I have to say I have never met one. In fact, I’m not sure I’d want to. The nearest I get is the Meat Loaf anthem ‘I’d Do Anything for Love (But I Won’t Do That)’. And so say all of us. Whatever THAT is. I think we can guess. But seeing as this magazine is moving inexorably upmarket, I’d better not. I’d hate to be canned after only three columns.
I’ve been to the Eurovision Song Contest twice. Just writing that, it feels like it should be written into my official gay passport, as proof that my musical taste is somewhat dodgy. And yes, I did go out of choice. Back in 1994, I shared a flat with an ex who was a complete Eurovision obsessive. On the first night we met, we were in the midst of passion when somehow we got side-tracked onto a discussion about the relative merits of Celine Dion and Vicky Leandros (Luxemburg 1972, since you ask). I guess you had to be there, although frankly I am rather grateful you weren’t.
I ended up attending a Eurovision convention in Germany (95 per cent of the people there were gay, you might not be surprised to know) before attending the actual contest at the Point in Dublin in May 1994. It was the year of Riverdance – about the campest form of entertainment ever invented.
Four years later, Tory MP Graham Brady rang me up and explained he’d been invited to go to the Eurovision Song Contest in Birmingham by the BBC on the basis that, at twenty-seven, he was the youngest MP in the House of Commons. Being a thoroughly nice bloke, he thought I would enjoy the experience more than he would. He was right. I ended up sat next to newly elected Labour MP Stephen Twigg (you know, the one who beat Portillo). It proved to be quite an experience, especially when the Israeli contestant, a stunning-looking transsexual called Dana International, took to the stage. Twiggy was up on his feet, boogieing and clapping, momentarily forgetting that he was an honourable member. When I told him the next day I had met Dana International after the contest he could quite happily have killed me. I got the ‘bitch stare’. When I told Graham Brady about the evening I could tell that he was rather relieved he hadn’t attended himself.
But let’s not pretend that it’s only gay people who like Eurovision or music that’s considered camp. Follow the Twitter feed of right-wing Tory MP Nick de Bois and you might deduce that, from his love of all things Eurovision, he is a confirmed Friend of Dorothy. Not a bit of it – as his wife will happily confirm.
The truth is that there is no such thing as ‘gay’ music. If Kylie, Lady Gaga, Erasure or the Pet Shop Boys only appealed to gay people, they wouldn’t sell the quantities of records or downloads that they do. It is true to say that some bands or singers have a disproportionately large gay following, but, if you think about it, the same songs get people on a dancefloor whether they happen to be in a straight or a gay nightclub. Music doesn’t discriminate in its appeal. It just gives the appearance of doing so.
And we should acknowledge that it is entirely possible to be gay and not be into so-called trashy pop. It’s possible, but unusual. I have never yet met a gay fan of Led Zeppelin, but I’m sure there’s one out there somewhere. There always is.
Politics – can you be gay and vote Tory?
Can you be gay and a Tory? Yes, I know it’s a stupid question, but people continue to ask it. The simple answer is of course you can, but there are still those who believe that the two things are completely incompatible.
For most people, being gay is completely separate to their politics. It’s the same with religion. I had to laugh recently when I saw a Lib Dem MP argue, apparently with serious conviction, that God is a Liberal Democrat, which presumably implies that Nick Clegg is his representative on earth. Religion, politics and sexuality are three phenomena that are completely separate from each other. Just as there are gay Christians, there are also gay atheists. Just as there are gay socialists, there are also (whisper it) gay Conservatives.
According to a recent opinion poll, 30 per cent of gay people vote Conservative, 38 per cent Labour and 13 per cent Liberal Democrat, which is not far away from the trends in the general population. This should come as a surprise to no one. We have exactly the same concerns as straight people – mortgages, cost of living, job opportunities, bin collections etc. Why on earth should our voting intention be any different?
Admittedly, there are some people who are single-issue voters. A small number of people vote Lib Dem because they are obsessed by proportional representation. Some people vote Labour purely because they are trade unionists, and some people vote Tory because of fox hunting. But they’re all a very small minority. Most people support political parties because they support 70–80 per cent of the things the party stands for and they like the party leader. Why does anyone think gay people would act differently?
But for some in the gay community, the Tories, no matter what they do, no matter what they
say, will always be the party of Section 28. Yes, it may have been twenty-five years ago, but leopards don’t change their spots (together with countless other clichés), do they?
No one would deny that the bulk of legislative reform related to homosexuality has occurred under Labour governments. Decriminalisation came in 1967 when Roy Jenkins was Home Secretary and Harold Wilson was Prime Minister. Tony Blair’s government reduced the age of consent and brought in civil partnerships. I will admit that, had the Tories been in power in 2004, I doubt very much whether that would have happened.
But how times have changed. Only eight years later, a Conservative-led government brought in equal marriage. And let no one say that this only happened because of the Lib Dem part of the coalition. It didn’t. This was a policy pushed forward personally by David Cameron. Yes, it was opposed by a large part of the traditional, authoritarian right of the Tory Party, but over time they are gradually dying out and being replaced by MPs who are as dry as dust economically but very socially liberal. Let’s also remember that there were also Labour and Lib Dem MPs who opposed equal marriage.
During Manchester Pride, the only float to attract boos was the local Tory LGBT float. I’m sure it was all very good natured, but I wonder if those booing actually thought about the fact that it takes real courage for anyone, no matter what the environment, to stand up and say ‘hey, look at me, I’m different’.