“Nothing.”
“So why the smile?”
I shrug.
“Listen, your dad and me … your brother doesn’t know, see, it’s complicated.” She sips. You’re damn right it’s complicated.
“It doesn’t mean that me and your dad are—”
“It’s all right, Mum.”
She looks at me, confused. “What do you mean?” Yeah, what do you mean?
“I mean it’s OK. You don’t have to explain yourself.”
Mum’s looking at me like she recognises me, but doesn’t understand.
I imagine a cable car travelling between my head and hers, all the things we’re not saying out loud travelling back and forth along the wire.
“You’re getting big, Lukey,” she says, after a while.
We sit on the sofa in lamplight, sipping cups of tea, and it feels good.
Like she’s actually here. Like we could really talk.
“So, Leia seems lovely,” Mum says, and I feel myself blush as I nod.
“Are you two an item then?” She’s leaning forward a little.
I shrug. “Dunno.”
“Course, no need to rush these things, eh? You take your time, love.” And as she reaches over and pats my knee I notice how small her hand is.
She gets up and goes to the dresser in the corner. “You know I was nineteen when I met your dad.” She sits back down, holding the dark blue photo album.
“I know, Mum, I’ve heard the story. Big Alien fixes car.”
“Nineteen. That’s hardly older than you.” She opens the album at their wedding shot. A younger her stands smiling, dwarfed by a beaming younger Dad.
“Look how young we were.” I watch Mum stroke over herself and Dad with her finger, travelling back in time in her head. I don’t tell her that even though they look younger, they still look a lot older than I feel. To Dad’s left is Uncle Chris and Nan and an older, large white man I know was Granddad. Past him stands a crowd of smiling aunties and uncles and cousins. I see Mum look at the right side of the photo. She taps it with her finger.
I stare at the frozen moment. If Mum and Dad are the body, the spread of people looks like a butterfly with one wing. Dad’s side is full, but on Mum’s side there’s only three other people present. Her stern-faced mum and dad, who I never met. They refused to have anything to do with her after the wedding because of Dad’s heritage, then died before they could patch things up.
The other person is her younger sister, Kathy, who moved to Australia before I was born.
Mum sighs. “People are so silly, Luke,” she says. “We live our choices.”
And once again, I’m sitting next to someone as they take stock of their own life. Luke Henry, Best Supporting Actor.
Then the front door’s opening and Mum snaps out of it. She quickly slides the photo album under the sofa as the door slams shut and gives me the look that says, ‘please don’t say anything’. I give her the ‘don’t worry’ face in reply.
“What’s this then?” says Marc from the doorway. There’s a supermarket bag in his hand. “You two plotting something?” He still can’t hide when he’s pissed off. It can’t have gone great with Donna.
Mum shakes her head dramatically. “Us, no, course not.” She looks at me, I shake my head too.
“So how’d it go?” Mum asks him.
Marc’s jaw tightens. “Not great.”
I picture him standing outside Donna’s mum’s house, a tired bouquet of flowers in his hand as the front door slams in his face. Then I think of Leia, her lips on my cheek.
“What you so happy about?” He’s looking at me.
I try to frown. “Nothing.”
“I’ll put the kettle back on,” says Mum, getting up, slipping me a sly wink.
Marc puts the bag on the chair, takes off his jacket and drops it over the side. His T-shirt hugs his chest. “Gonna take some time I reckon, if I haven’t burnt it already.”
He shakes his head and he’s genuinely unsure.
My big brother really doesn’t know.
“What’s in the bag?” says Mum.
“Ingredients. Thought I’d make crêpes. Take my mind off it. Yous want some? I’ve got lemon or Nutella. You still got my skinny pan, Mum?”
Mum puts her hand on his shoulder. “Yes, love. It’s in the cupboard. Baby steps, eh? Give her time, you’ve been a long time round.”
And it’s like the ship of the room just hit an iceberg. I grip my mug. “What did you say?”
Mum and Marc look at me, confused. “What’s wrong, Luke?” says Mum.
“You just said long time round.”
“What’s wrong with that?” says Marc, staring at me like I’m being stupid. My head fills up with images from Noah’s film. How real it felt. How close to home.
“What does that mean, long time round?”
Mum and Marc look at each other like I’m some stranger in their house from a different country or something.
“It’s just a saying, love,” says Mum. “If you’ve been away for a while, you’ve been a long time round. You never heard that before?”
I stare at Mum and my brother, shaking my head, and it’s like the two of them are on one side of the glass and I’m on the other.
Déjà vu.
INT. EMERGENCY ROOM – NIGHT
YOUNG MAN sits with head in hands. Muffled radio DJ voice. POLICEWOMAN sits next to him, leaning in, notepad ready. Clock above them says eleven forty.
POLICEWOMAN: I know this is hard.
She goes to rest her hand on YOUNG MAN’S arm. He flinches, she pulls back.
POLICEWOMAN: I need you to speak, Luke. You’re brother’s in a critical condition. They’re fighting to save him.
YOUNG MAN lifts his head and looks at her. Confused.
POLICEWOMAN: I’m trying to help.
YOUNG MAN frowns. His mouth opens to speak.
Cut to black.
Nobody’s said the word ‘boyfriend’, or ‘girlfriend’. Not once.
It’s been just over two weeks.
We don’t hold hands as we walk up the hill to college.
We never kiss on campus.
But, if there’s some satellite in space, looking down, detecting the infrared and electromagnetic charges between people as they go about their daily lives, me and Leia are flagging up on that bad boy.
I feel animal. Like I’m in on some primitive secret.
As we sit in class and work on scene ideas for our story, it’s like I’m split. Half of me is listening and talking to her, loving sharing ideas, and the other half is crackling with this need to just jump on her. In a good way.
EXT. SUPERMARKET – DAY
Dark blue supermarket fleece. Fingers play with zip. Engine sound approaches. Fingers stop. Crunch of loose grit as a car pulls up. Passenger door opens.
Friday after film.
The autumn sun’s properly out and we’re sitting on the little wall and steps behind the science block. The same cast of Skins, but now I’m in it. The new guy. Trying to pull off the strong silent thing, once every five minutes trying to imagine Tommy or Zia fitting into this puzzle.
I should ring them. Yeah, you should.
“James Franco to Samuel L. Jackson,” says Simeon. He’s next to me on my right, wearing a tie-dye T-shirt that he said was ironic. Can clothes be ironic?
“I’ve got this one,” says Max, opposite me.
Megan blows her nose louder than I’ve ever heard a girl do it before. “Don’t you get sick of that stupid game?” She checks the contents of her tissue, like she’s letting us know she doesn’t care, before folding it up and stuffing it into the front pouch of her rucksack.
“Shut up, Sis,” says Simeon. “Just cos you’re crap at it.”
Megan gives him the finger and lights a cigarette. I still can’t believe nobody thought to tell me they were twins.
I look across at Leia, sat to Megan’s left with Michelle. She’s wearing a purple man’s golf jumpe
r that looks like a hand-me-down, but is somehow amazing on her, the edge of a white vest showing at the bottom of the V neck, highlighting her skin. This girl.
She’s pretending not to look at me. Our secret. We actually have two secrets: us, and Noah’s film. We haven’t told anyone else we watched it, especially not Noah. I can’t think of what to say to him that doesn’t make it sound like I’m in awe. I’ve watched it four times now. Awe?
It’s brilliant.
“Come on then,” says Simeon to Max, winding time with his finger. “Franco to Jackson.”
I make the steps in my head; James Franco with Robert De Niro in City By The Sea, Robert De Niro with Samuel L. Jackson in Jackie Brown. Easy.
I don’t say it out loud. Max’s thinking face looks like he’s on the toilet. Jono doesn’t speak or move.
“Your sister making that punch again?” says Megan, and it takes me a second to work out that she’s talking to Michelle. Punch?
Michelle nods. “Yep. But maybe you shouldn’t drink it this time, Meg?”
“Shut up!” Megan scoffs. “That’s the main reason I’m coming.”
What are they talking about?
That’s when I notice Leia. She’s squirming like somebody poured something down the back of her top. I try to catch her eye, but she won’t let me.
“We should go, Luke,” she says, starting to get up, but still not looking at me.
“Shame you’re not into it, Lukey,” says Simeon. “You’d make a perfect Bond villain.”
What?
Leia cuts him a look. “Shut up, Sim.” And she’s standing up. Sim?
“What?” Simeon protests. “With the scar and everything. It’s perfect!”
Everybody looks down, and I’m not even sure it’s because of me. What’s going on?
Are you gonna let him say that?
But I’m too confused to really react.
“Why do you even speak?” says Michelle, shaking her head at Simeon, and I get a flash of the history they all have together. The well-worn play that I have no part in.
“You coming?” Leia says to me, and I start to get up, feeling too embarrassed to call Simeon out. What’s wrong with you?
What’s wrong with me, is that I don’t share their past.
“I’ve got it!” says Max, like he just discovered gravity. “James Franco in This is The End with Jonah Hill, Jonah Hill in The Wolf of Wall Street with Leonardo Di Caprio, Di Caprio with De Niro in that film about the kid and Sam Jackson with De Niro in Jackie Brown.”
He points both hands forward like he’s holding two guns.
“Hold on, hold on.” Simeon’s shaking his head. “What film about the kid?”
“The film about the kid, De Niro’s his stepdad or something.”
“It doesn’t count if you don’t know the name of it, Max.”
Max screws up his face. I look at Leia. She glances at me, but for less than a blink.
“It was his first film,” argues Max.
Leia slips her arms into her bag straps. “It’s called This Boy’s Life, and he’s not his stepdad, he’s his mum’s new boyfriend.”
She glances at me again. Max points at her. “See! This Boy’s Life! Told you. How many steps is that?”
And him and Simeon start to argue as Leia walks off. I look at Michelle, who smiles sheepishly and then starts digging in her bag pretending to look for something.
I walk after Leia, hating that it feels like I’m being kept out of a secret.
INT. CAR – DAY
The words AB-SOUL scroll across a jet-black screen in electric blue digital letters. Red blocks of a graphic equaliser as bass thumps. Fingers drum on dashboard.
Me and Leia are walking past reception. I want to ask what the big secret is, or if there even is one, but the air between us is thick with that ‘just leave it’ feeling I know so well.
“So you’ll finish your start scene tonight, yeah?” she finally says.
“Yeah, OK.”
Our steps are out of synch as I count them.
“I didn’t want you to feel like you had to,” she says.
“Had to what?”
Then Megan pushes into the back of us. “You should just hold hands.” She mimes throwing up as Michelle catches up on the other side of Leia.
“Shut up,” Leia says.
Megan links her arm to Leia’s, but not mine and says, “It’s like West Side Story.”
Leia bumps Megan with her shoulder. “Shut up! Little Miss ‘I only go for boy racers’.”
They cut each other exaggerated death stares, then laugh. Michelle joins in and my outsider status gets underlined again.
Then a car horn sounds and everything stops.
“Lukaaaaaaaaaaay!”
Tommy’s half hanging out of the window as he drives round the corner. I can hear a bass drum. I see Zia in the passenger seat. What the hell? I contemplate just turning round and walking back on to campus, but it’s too late, the girls have already clocked him.
He spins the car round and pulls up so Zia’s right next to us. He turns the music down. New stereo. Looks expensive.
“Yes, Lukey,” says Zia, holding out his fist. We bump.
“Afternoon, ladies!” Tommy’s leaning across him, he’s eating something out of a Greggs bag and there’s pastry crumbs on his cheeks. “What you saying?”
Words get stuck in my throat as I play head tennis between my oldest friends and the girl I’ve been kissing. Zia sees me struggling. “We came to give you a lift.”
“What do you … how come you’re not at work?”
Tommy bites into his food. “It’s Friday. I finish early.”
Zia nods. “And my shifts have switched. I told you, remember?”
Tommy grins. “We haven’t seen ya, man! Check out the system!”
Zia pushes him off. “You should answer your phone more. Who’re your friends?”
I turn to the girls.
“I’m Michelle,” says Michelle, holding up a hand before I can open my mouth.
“Hi.” Zia’s playing it well cool. He looks at Michelle.
Megan’s checking out the car. Michelle speaks for her. “That’s Megan.”
Zia doesn’t even look. “I’m Zia. It’s nice to meet you, Michelle.”
“I’m Leia.” Leia holds her hand out. Zia shakes it, smiling.
“It’s nice to finally meet you, Leia.” The pair of them look at me.
“You’re not Chinese,” Tommy blurts out. Enough.
“OK,” I say. “Let’s go then. See you later.” I reach to open Zia’s door.
“Is this your car?” says Megan out of nowhere. She’s looking at Tommy through the windscreen. Tommy smiles a nod, his cheeks full of pastry. Don’t do it, Tom. Don’t ask them.
“You girls wanna lift?”
My earliest memory is snow.
It’s Nan’s back garden. I’m sitting in deep snow in a purple jumpsuit, watching Dad slowly stomp through the white to the back shed in his big sheepskin coat. He is a yeti.
Every sound seems dulled, like the air is muffled and there’s some low musical score playing. Something with strings.
Dad wrestles the shed door and disappears inside. I look up at the dirty white sky and feel the delicate flakes touch my cheeks and dissolve.
Dad emerges, holding a shovel above his head like he’s ready for battle. He strides back towards me, getting bigger with each step, until he’s towering over me. He smiles.
I look down, and realise I’m actually sitting in one of his footprints.
INT. CAR – DAY
Condensation on the inside of car window. One drop of water runs down faster than the rest.
“You must never doubt the Dark Horse!”
Tommy bangs both hands on the steering wheel as we drive back towards town. The car still smells like girls and the windows are half steamed up from the body heat. We dropped them home one by one. Michelle and Megan both live within walking distance of Leia and I’v
e now seen Simeon’s house. It’s as big as I thought.
“Shut up, Tom.” I’m in the back behind Zia, happy to be able to finally stretch my legs. Four of us crammed into the back wasn’t even legal, but Leia on my lap for twenty minutes wasn’t exactly horrible and, to be honest, the whole journey wasn’t that bad. Why would it be?
Feels weird being the one in the back.
“Man just walks through college with a string of girls on his arm like flippin’ what’s his face, the old porno guy, with the smoking jacket.”
“I said shut up, yeah?”
“Hugh Heffner,” says Zia.
“That’s him!” Tommy points at me in the rear-view mirror. “Hugh Heffberg!”
“Heffner,” says Zia. “Playboy. And it’s not a porno, it’s a magazine. They used to have all the best comedians and journalists write articles. My cousin used to get it.”
“Yeah, for the tits,” laughs Tommy.
Zia stares out of the window. “You’re a caveman.”
“Well, I didn’t hear you crack any jokes to them, Mr Funny. Captive audience and you flopped it.”
The rain’s heavier now and there’s a mist around the tall buildings of town.
“So, Lukey, what time we gonna get there?” says Zia. He’s holding up the flyer Michelle gave him. I grab it.
It’s the size of a postcard. Quality paper. There’s a detailed drawing of a skeleton done in fine black pen; it’s really good.
I flip it over and read:
Why didn’t she tell me?
Because she doesn’t want you there.
“Don’t think I’m up for it, to be honest,” I say.
“What?” Tommy turns back. “Are you kidding?”
We drive into the underpass and everything turns artificial light.
“Watch the road, man! I’m just … not that fussed. And it’s fancy dress.”
“I don’t care if it’s a ‘wear-a-man-nappy’ theme, we’re going, Luke. You see how that girl was on me?”
“Her name was Megan, Tom. Can’t we just hang out? I haven’t seen yous much, have I?”
“Oh, now he cares,” says Zia sarcastically. “I reckon Mr Dark Horse just wants to keep all the fun to himself, eh, Tom?”
I watch him draw an ‘M’ in the condensation on the glass next to his face.
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