by Lewis, L. K.
When the wine is gone, I reach into the freezer and grab the gin. I waste no time making an extra dirty martini, and toss that back as well. When the liquid courage has set in and my now drunken numbness has replaced any feeling of burn created by the alcohol, I stumble back over to my couch and give the email writing another shot. I stare at the screen for just a few moments again before screaming “fuck it”, and releasing a very primal and angst filled grunt/sigh thing, then I dive right in. Drake most likely won’t even get this email, so why do I even care? I need to unleash everything in my heart and soul that has been plaguing me since his departure before it kills me. Or at the very least causes me to drink myself into another ridiculous stupor.
From: Morgan Lane
Subject: White Noise
Date: October 20 2013 23:49
To: Drake Baylor Jr.
Drake,
I don’t even know what to say. I doubt you’ll even get this. Don’t be mad at Garrett for giving me this email address, he had it from when you were in the league at his bowling alley. He said you never even checked this account anyway, but I had to give it a try. I’ve tried everything else to find you. I miss you. I don’t know what else to say but I miss you and I love you and ask that you please come home to me. You told me I was your home, remember? Why won’t you just come home?
I spent a whole month searching the globe for you. I went to every brilliant and stupid place I could think of that would mean anything to you. I started in Vegas, and even went for a run in the desert heat trying to bring you closer to me. You were absolutely right about that being a stupid idea! I traveled through parts of Africa, then a lot of Europe looking for you before ending up in Paris. I thought if I couldn’t find you anywhere, I’d eventually catch up with you there. It’s the city of love, and you are the most sappy, emotional, sentimental man I know so I thought there was no way I wouldn’t find you sitting at some charming outdoor café, café au lait in hand. I even thought I saw you in the airport. Like an idiot I called out to you a few times but you didn’t turn. I could have sworn it was you. It was your hair, and your build and my body was practically calling out to you as well. That old familiar pull still haunts me I guess. It wasn’t you though, obviously. You weren’t there. You weren’t anywhere I searched. So I came home broken hearted and alone, again.
I’m not sure what happened to you, or to us. Your dad told me that he dissolved your position, and that you would be somewhere tropical licking your wounds in the arms of another woman, forgetting all about me. I don’t believe him, Drake; I could never think that about you. I know how much you love me, which is why I’m so shocked that we are now almost two months down the road and you haven’t come home to me.
I want you to know that I quit Baylor Industries. There is no way I can work for your father when he dissolved your position after you had worked so hard to earn it. I asked Adrian for a job, and he graciously found room in his company for me. He said he promised that he had nothing to do with your departure from Baylor. He said he got my voicemail and honored our request for secrecy. I start Monday, and am happy to have the opportunity to continue with my career. However, it won’t be the same being in the boardroom without you J. I cherished those moments in the beginning when we were trying to figure everything out. We were fighting so hard to stay apart, when the obvious choice was to give into our love and be together.
You would build my hopes up, and then crush my heart so easily. I hated that so much. It made me think I was crazy for loving you. Crazy for thinking we had a chance, or that you really could feel the same for me. But it was in those tender moments when you would brush your fingers against mine, rest your hand on my back to lead me into the room, or especially when your lip would curl into the cutest half smile when I knew you were happy with whatever input I had just given that I would let myself believe we had a chance. I know you think you hid that well, but I could see pride in that little smile, and I lived for that. I still do.
It’s obvious that you don’t want any communication with me anymore or you would have reached out by now, but I can’t help it. I can’t help but fight for you. You promised to do the same for me, and somewhere deep inside my soul, I know you are. We belong together, Drake. Please come home to me. I love you.
Yours always,
Morgan
I press send, and then crawl into bed, once again feeling the chill that has filled the vacancy of Drake’s absence.
Chapter 7
Garrett
God, my heart breaks for that girl. I can see the hopelessness in her eyes as she asks about Drake, and I feel horrible for lying and telling her I know nothing. Giving Morgan the email was a risky decision to make, especially because when I wrote it down for her, it didn’t even exist. It was a split second move that needed to be made to put her at ease, as much as possible. As soon as Morgan and her friend Amanda left the bowling alley, I went online and set it up for Drake.
“Hey, man. How’s my girl?” Drake sounds groggy when he answers.
“Hey, sorry did I wake you up? I should have waited to call.” I forgot Zurich is only six hours ahead of us.
“It’s okay; I don’t really sleep much anymore. What’s up?”
“Well, I wanted to let you know Morgan and her friend Amanda came in tonight and played a few games. Why didn’t you tell me Morgan had such hot friends?”
I can hear Drake laugh a little into the phone before answering me. “Yeah, Amanda is a cutie. She’s pretty funny as well, single too. I guess when you only have eyes for your girl, you don’t really notice anyone else.”
“I guess that’s true. Anyway, I did something tonight that I hope won’t be a huge deal.”
“Well that doesn’t sound good, what happened?” Drake asks.
“When Morgan walked in, the sadness in her eyes crushed me. I could tell she really wanted a fun night out with her friend and was doing everything she could to smile and seem happy, but I can tell she’s still not doing well.”
“Oh God, it kills me to hear that. I’m glad Amanda had her out though, that’s good,” Drake says.
“Yeah, they seemed to have some fun when they were bowling, I even caught her giggling a few times. She’s going to be okay, man. She just misses the hell out of you, which brings me to back to what happened. When they came in, Morgan asked me if I had heard anything from you. When I told her no, her spirit seemed to break a little more. I didn’t know what to do to make her feel better without telling her anything and it was killing me how sad she looked, so I made up an email address for you and gave it to her. I told her I still had it on file from when you played on the league here and that you never even checked it, so not to expect anything back from you.”
“Good idea, but what good is a made up email account for her?”
“I set it up for you, Drake. It’s active now. She can write to you without the emails getting bounced back to her so she can still have hope that you are out there somewhere. Plus, you can read what she writes to you, and know she is missing you just as much as you miss her. You can stay connected to each other without having any true communication. Morgan isn’t expecting a reply from you, so even if for some crazy reason your father has some techie genius find out about the emails from her, he’ll also see that you didn’t respond. You’re not breaking the rules here, Drake, only bending them.”
“That’s true I guess. Thanks for setting that up, man, and for helping my girl out. I really appreciate it.”
“Any time, Drake, you’d do the same for me. I’ll text you the email address and password so you can save it in your phone.”
“Cool. Hey, I have Amanda’s number if you want to give her a call. She’s a good girl, Garrett,” Drake says.
“Thanks, but I’ve got it covered. The little minx slipped her card into her bowling shoe before handing it back to me. I’m going to give her a call now. I’ll talk to you later, man,” I say before ending the call. I know you are supposed to wait for two days or som
e stupid shit like that, but Amanda’s a cutie. There is no way I’m going to wait around to call her and give some other asshole the chance to meet her and call before I do.
Drake
Giving Morgan an email address for me was a pretty brilliant move by Garrett, but as I sit here trying to absorb everything that Morgan wrote to me, I almost wish I didn’t know just how much she’s hurting. I can’t even believe my dad would lie and tell her that I was fired. On second thought, yes I can. He didn’t want to put any thoughts that we could still be together into her head. And the bullshit about me being off licking my wounds was horse shit. Even though she doesn’t believe I would do it to her, the seed is still planted in her mind that I’m off with someone else while she is home without me.
I’m not too thrilled to hear Adrian lied to her as well. Of course he would say he had nothing to do with it. Morgan mentioned to me that he still has feelings for her after all these years. He’s probably using my absence to get close to her again. I know she loves me, but the fact that I’m not there, coupled with Morgan and Adrian spending so much time together now that she’s working for him, does not make me a happy man. I know Morgan is waiting for me to come back to her, and I hope she can stick it out, but it’s only a matter of time before some other guy reminds her what a real relationship can be like. Especially when he’s actually there in the flesh.
I’m so tempted to write her back. Even if it’s just a blank email or other small sign that I received her email and I’m still here for her. I learned my lesson last time, though. Thinking I could fly under the radar and not get caught came back to bite me in the ass big time. As much as it kills me, I’ll have to stay strong.
Morgan
As expected, Drake hasn’t replied to the email I sent Friday. It’s been two agonizing days without a response. I must have checked my email for a reply at least a dozen times…..per hour. I’ve agreed to let my mother take me shopping today after our usual Sunday brunch date. I’ve been feeling really tired lately so I’m not exactly up for a full day of shopping, but I know outfitting me with yet another new work wardrobe is my mom’s way of supporting my choice in having a career, so I’m going with it.
“Darling!” My mother stands with her arms outreached when she sees me enter the dining room at the club.
“Hi, Mom. You look nice. Did you get your hair done?” I ask as I walk into her embrace, air-kissing her like the country club socialite she wishes I would be.
“Oh, thank you sweetheart, Talia just did it Friday. It was time I warmed my color up a bit for fall,” She says while unconsciously smoothing out the ends of her now less platinum locks that lie perfectly at her shoulders. “Are you ready for your first day tomorrow?”
“I think so. I was one of the point people on the Thompson Manufacturing account at Baylor, so I’m already well acquainted with the needs of Adrian’s company. I spent a bit of time last night jotting down ideas of how I can make some of his father’s dreams a reality.”
“Don’t forget, honey, it’s your job to support Adrian, not out-shine him. It’s great that you are prepared, but make sure that he’s the one leading the company, not you.” OMG she doesn’t get it. My mother clearly still thinks I’m supposed to be a 1950s housewife, not career-driven woman of the 21st century!
“No, Mom,” I say with a little added stank, “It’s my job to offer creative insight, and see through different manufacturing initiatives with our clientele. Adrian is the boss, and I will most definitely look to him for guidance, direction, and approval, but he is hiring me to improve his company, not be his little woman standing next to him at charity events.”
“Morgan, you know I didn’t mean it like that. I just meant that tomorrow is your first day, you don’t want people to think you are a know it all.”
This conversation is going nowhere, and I still have to spend the rest of the day with my mother. I’m already exhausted from dealing with her country club snobbery. I decide to give this one a rest and just politely thank her for the advice.
“Thank you, Mom, I know you mean well. Shall we order another round before heading to the omelet station?”
*****
My mother and I have brunched, shopped, and now I’m about to drop as I haul my bags into my apartment later in the afternoon. I will say my mother has impeccable taste in clothes, and the credit limit to back that up, so I really am always appreciative of a shopping day with her. I take care when hanging my new garments in my bedroom closet, removing some more summer appropriate items and moving them into my spare closet in the hallway. Next I take pictures of my new shoes, then print them and affix the picture to the outside of the shoe box so I can keep them neatly stacked in the closet, while still knowing which pair is which.
The bathtub is calling my name. I undress as the water fills the tub, aerating bath oil filling the room with delicate scents of jasmine and orange blossom. I’m immediately drawn back to memories of Drake and me in the tub together. As I relax into the hot, soothing water, my mind drifts to the first Saturday in September when I came home to Drake waiting for me with a freshly drawn bath. It was one of our many nights spent apart maintaining our single person statuses. I had gone to a friend’s wedding earlier that day, and had texted Drake a few times to tell him how much I missed him and wished he could be there with me.
Drake met me at my door, taking my wrap and purse from me as he kissed me gently, telling me how happy he was that I was finally home. Dropping to his knees before me, he massaged my tired legs while removing my heels, kissing my feet sweetly. When he rose to his feet, he grabbed my hand, while carrying my shoes, bag and wrap with the other, and led me into my bedroom.
“You look absolutely breathtaking this evening, Morgan. This dress is stunning on you, I would have been so proud to have you on my arm tonight,” Drake said as he spun me around to face away from him so he could unzip my dress.
“I would have loved to have you with me. I missed you so much today mister,” I said, turning my head so I could meet his gaze as I looked over my shoulder.
“At the risk of sounding clichéd my love, as much as I love you in this dress, I can’t wait to get you out of it,” Drake said as I giggled, shimmying my hips to aid him in his quest for garment removal.
“You are such a dork, babe,” I said as I twirled back around in his arms, stepping out of my dress that had pooled at my feet. “But you’re my dork, and I love you.”
“I love you too. Come, I just finished drawing us a bath,” Drake once again took my hand, and led me into the bathroom, quickly removing his tight white t-shirt, and dropping his low-slung grey sweats. I had stolen an appreciative glance at him earlier and could tell by his arousal that he was going commando. Drake stifled a laugh at my involuntary gasp as his pants hit the ground.
“Sorry, babe, you’re just so beautiful.” I said, taking an extra minute to appreciate my man in all is naked glory. I stepped closer to Drake so our bodies were touching. I closed my eyes as Drake lowered his forehead to mine, wrapping his arms around me, enveloping me in his warmth and love. We stood there silently, enjoying the moment together…in love…in lust…everything else forgotten. I opened my eyes eventually to find Drake’s soft gaze, and a shy smile crossed his face.
“You are the beautiful one, Morgan, inside and out. I’m sorry I couldn’t be with you today, but I’m glad I can be with you tonight. I feel so lucky to be the man you come home to,” Drake said as he gently kissed our favorite spot at the base of my neck right above my collar bone, and then helped me into the tub.
We took turns washing each other in the bath, taking time to enjoy the pleasure of each other’s touch. Instead of taking my usual position in Drake’s arms with my back against his chest, I sat facing him with our legs wrapped around each other. Drake and I had become so good at making the most of our time together getting to know each other. We sat amongst bubbles, cocooned in warm, sweet smelling water as we talked about our first encounters.
“I was so afraid to open myself to the possibility of love with you. Once my father agreed to take me on with his company, I threw myself headfirst into learning every aspect of the business. I’d fucked everything up in my life so badly. This was my chance at redemption. I had a few months under my belt and had proven myself to my father. I knew he was ready to hand the company over to me, he’d hinted that enough times, but I knew he wanted to make me sweat it out a little more.
“When I saw you waiting for me in reception on your first day, I knew I was in danger of losing everything I had worked for. Of course I first noted your exquisite beauty, but it was the look in your eye as you took the room in that made me stop and watch you for a few moments. Your eyes spoke of curiosity and determination. I’ve known your father for years, and he has always spoken so fondly of you, I felt as though I already knew you. Seeing you standing alone, ready to take on such a demanding job with absolutely no previous experience, I could see in your eyes that you couldn’t wait to do this…on you own. By the way your father spoke of you I could tell they’d kept you under their thumbs your whole life. I’ve met a ton of girls with similar upbringings and affluence surrounding them, and they are always spoiled bitches waiting for you to lay your world at their feet. Seeing you so ready to find your own identity, your own place in this world, I immediately respected you. I spoke your name and you turned to meet my gaze and my heart stopped. Your reaction to seeing me for the first time was the exact experience I was having. I saw the lust in your eyes as you took me in. I love that I wasn’t what you expected. Of course, you were expecting my father to greet you, not me. The shock in your expression was hilarious as well,” Drake said with a laugh.