by Lewis, L. K.
A tear slips down my cheek, and my father brushes it away as I say, “It might be slightly unconventional for a daughter to have the heart to heart romance talks with her dad instead of her mom, but I’m so glad you’ve always listened. It means a lot.”
“I’ll always be here for you, Morgan. Now enough of the deep stuff, I’m going to go find your mother and prove to her I’ve still got some moves on the dance floor.” And with that and a quick kiss on the cheek my dad takes off, and I find my way over to Adrian.
“Hello again, still having fun?” Adrian asks as he pulls me to him, wrapping his arms tightly around my waist.
“I’m having the best time.” I smile up at him as the lead singer starts to sing Adele’s version of Make You Feel My Love. Adrian says nothing, but kisses me softly on the forehead and pulls me closer. We stay silent, just dancing slowly, both taking in this moment, but after a while Adrian starts to sing the words softly as well. I’m too caught up in the moment to look up at him for fear that I’ll fall apart so I keep my head resting on his shoulder, but pull him a little closer to me. It’s as if this is Adrian’s way of saying everything he wants to say to me.
When the song ends, I look up at Adrian and notice a little sadness in his eyes. He smiles down at me and says, “It’s starting to get late, Morgan. Would it be okay if I take you home now?”
“Of course,” I say. “I’m getting a little tired. All this fanfare will take it out of a girl,” I tease, trying to lighten his sullen mood a bit. Adrian just smiles and leads me off the dance floor to bid farewell to our parents.
As I make my way to say goodbye to my over-served mother she says, “I’m so glad I got to spend some time with you tonight, sweetie, because something’s come up and I’ll have to cancel our brunch plans for tomorrow, I’m sorry. Perhaps you’ll want to sleep in a longer tomorrow anyway!” She says with a wink then looks at Adrian, and the flush that has wreaked havoc on my body all night instantly returns. I don’t think my mother insinuating anything about my sex life (or lack thereof lately) could be any more embarrassing.
We take the car service back to my apartment and I think Adrian is going to say goodbye at the car, but he gets out instead and waves the car off. I turn to him, slightly startled that he’s assumed he can spend the night. I’m so not ready to go there with him yet. I’ve just wrapped my mind around the fact that tonight was a date.
“I’m not planning on staying the night, Morgan, don’t worry. I would never make an assumption like that,” Adrian The Mind Reader says.
“That’s not what I was thinking… well… yes, that’s exactly what I was thinking. I’m just not ready for that, Adrian, it’s too soon. I really appreciate you seeing me home safely though.” I take a step closer and give Adrian a kiss on the cheek. “Thank you again for an amazing night that I’ll not soon forget.” I say and turn toward my apartment building.
I don’t get very far before Adrian grabs my hand and says, “I want to walk you to the door like a proper gentleman. If it’s okay, I’d like to come in for a little while and talk but if you aren’t comfortable, or you are too tired I can grab a cab.”
“That would be fine, thank you,” I say as we make our way into my building. Once inside my apartment, I take Adrian’s coat and hang it up with mine in my hallway closet.
“Can I get you something to drink? A nightcap, perhaps?” I say to Adrian as I make my way back into my living room.
“I’d actually love some tea if you have it. I have some stuff to get done early tomorrow so I shouldn’t have any more to drink.”
“Sure thing. Tea sounds great right now. I think I’ll put the kettle on then change out of this dress if you don’t mind hanging here for another moment,” I say.
“No problem,” Adrian says as he picks up the latest copy of US Weekly, “I’ll just be here keeping up with the Kardashians, you never know what Kim will do next,” he teases as I walk into the kitchen. About ten minutes later I’m in yoga pants, a tank top and hoody as I set a tray adorned with a teapot, cream and sugar, and two teacups with saucers next to Adrian.
“Wow, the royal treatment, I’m impressed,” he says as he puts his magazine down.
“Well, I thought I should return the favor after the wonderful time you showed me tonight. You really outdid yourself, Adrian.”
“You deserved it, Morgan, I really mean that. You’ve had someone you loved and the career you’ve been dreaming of your whole life about ripped from your grasp in an instant. You spent a month searching the globe for Drake, only to return without him. Instead of wallowing in self pity, you pulled yourself up from your bootstraps, got yourself a job, and got your life back on track. Not only that, but Morgan…you really have done an exemplary job this past month. You deserve your raise and recognition. I’m proud of you. There isn’t much more I can say.”
“What did I do right to deserve a friend like you?” I ask. I know it isn’t right to call him a friend after a night like tonight. It’s almost an insult, but I don’t know what else to call him, he is my friend. And although I loved our date tonight, I’m not ready to call him anything else yet.
“I know you only think of me as a friend right now, but I’m hoping someday you’ll think of me as more than that. I want to be more than that to you Morgan.”
“I know you do. I’m just not sure I can go there right now, Adrian. I loved our date tonight. I’m just going to go ahead and call it a date, because I think we are both hoping that’s what it was.”
“Well that’s a start, I guess. I loved our date too. We used to have a lot of fun together, Morgan. I want you to know that for me though, it wasn’t just fun. You were it for me. My forever.” Adrian looks at me with such sadness.
“I’m so sorry I ever hurt you. I’m glad that you understand why I needed to break things off. I had never done anything on my own before. I had never created my own experiences. I’m not sure what any of this means for us now, but if there was any chance of us finding our way back to each other, I had to find myself first, on my own.”
“I can appreciate that now, Morgan. I’m not expecting you to jump into anything right away either. I just want you to know that my feelings for you have never changed. I’ve never stopped thinking of you. I feel like my prayers have been answered by having you back in my life. You were my lover and my best friend for almost four years. I asked you to move in with me that night before graduation not because I wanted to see how things go between us, but because I was so incredibly in love with you, and couldn’t wait to start the rest of our lives together.
“I wish you would have told me all along what your dreams and aspirations were. You had always talked about wanting your own career, but you never mentioned wanting to go to grad school, or making your own way. I would have supported anything you wanted to do. I know it’s not fair to say I feel like you should have given me a say in the matter, but it’s how I feel. We never really talked about marriage. Maybe that’s because our parents were doing so much of the talking for us. I regret not communicating my desires for a life together with you better. Maybe if I had, you would have felt more comfortable expressing your desires for creating your own path for yourself with me, I guess we will never know that.
“What I’m trying to tell you now, Morgan, is that we’ve made our way back to each other somehow and I’m so grateful for that. I’m completely and hopelessly in love with you, Morgan. I have been for over six years now, and that will never change. I won’t pressure you, but please know that you have someone right here, right now in the flesh. A man who wants to support your dreams. A man who wants to hold you, and make love to you. A man who will never leave you.”
“Adrian…I… I don’t know what to say.” My voice cracks as I try desperately to find the right words.
“You don’t have to say anything, Morgan. Just think about it…us. I’ll always be here waiting. There isn’t anyone else for me, you’re it. All I’ve ever wanted,” Adrian says. Without warning, he pu
lls me into his arms and seals my lips with a kiss so wrought with passion, love, and even desperation, it almost brings me to my knees.
I break the kiss, still at a loss for words, and I find myself staring at Adrian for a good minute or so before it even dawns on me that I should say something.
“I feel like I should have the right thing to say here. I want to tell you exactly how I’m feeling right now, but I’m feeling so many different things in so many different ways, I no longer know which way is up.” I pause, stealing a moment for a deep breath, and continue.
“When we were together, I always figured we would get married. I loved you too. It’s hard to have a relationship end when no one has done anything wrong and our feelings haven’t changed. I never told you about my ambitions for grad school because it wasn’t long before you asked me to move in with you that I had applied and been accepted.” I take another pause and steal another quick deep breath.
“I need to tell you about Drake.”
“Morgan, you don’t have to explain anything, I get it,” Adrian interrupts me, trying to let me off the hook from a subject he knows is so hard for me, but I have to get this out.
“I do have to explain. You need to know where I stand, and how I feel if we have any chance at even broaching the subject of us. I’m still in love with Drake. I always will be. I’m still baffled by the fact that we are apart, because he literally dropped out of my life without so much as a goodbye. Just two days before he left me, he told me as soon as he made CEO he was going to marry me. How can you say you are going to marry me, but then disappear? I promised Drake I would always fight for our forever. To stay with him and believe in him always. I’m not sure where he is, but I know in my heart he’s fighting his way back to me. I just don’t know how long that will take. It might not ever happen. Because I never got a goodbye from Drake I also never got closure. I don’t want to make the mistake of waiting for my forever with Drake and never finding it. I also don’t want to make the mistake of moving forward with you when I know my heart isn’t ready. If we are able to eventually start again, I need you to know that I will never be able to offer you my whole heart because Drake will always hold a piece of it. I need you to understand that I’m not trying to be cruel, I just know myself, and would never lie to you, or mislead you in any way.
“I’m not a wishy-washy girl, you know that. I actually despise people that say one thing but mean another. When Drake and I got together, we had these horrible few weeks of ups and downs, back and forths, and it almost ruined us before we even got our start. I’ll always be honest with you and let you know where my head and my heart stand, because I can’t go through anything like that again.”
“What do you need from me, Morgan? What can I do for you or say to you so that you’ll give me a chance?” Adrian asks.
“I need patience and time. I need you to really think about everything I have just said. I could never be with someone knowing I’ll never have their whole heart. I’m telling you now that if you choose to still move forward with me, you’ll never have all of mine, and that is something that will never change. I’m sorry for the bluntness, but I really hope you think about what I’m saying,” I offer at the end, realizing how harsh I’ve just sounded.
“I don’t ever want you to feel like you’re someone’s second best, someone’s backup plan,” I say. “You deserve more than that. I can’t be with you until I’m ready to move on from Drake. You’ll never be my second best, Adrian, because if we finally end up together, I promise to put you first. Even though Drake will have a piece of my heart always, if I’m ever able to move on, I promise it will be with you. That doesn’t mean I’m saying to wait for me because I know how that feels and trust me, that’s not fair.”
“I already told you, Morgan, you are the one that I want. If I have to wait ten years or more for you I will. I’ll give you a world of patience and understanding. But I’m asking in return that you please consider what I’ve told you tonight. I love you, Morgan. I won’t beg and plead for you, but I’ll do my best to constantly assure you that with me, your heart will be safe. It’s getting late though, so I think I’ll call a cab if you don’t mind me waiting here another minute or two. You look sleepy, I don’t want to keep you up,” Adrian says.
“You’re not keeping me up. I hope I haven’t said anything to upset you. I just need to be honest with you. I care about you, Adrian, deeply.”
“I care about you too, Morgan, deeply. I think we should spend some time together in a romantic setting, but I don’t want to rush things. Like I said, I won’t pressure you. I can’t change the way you feel, but I can take you out to a nice meal. I can hold your hand and kiss you sweetly when I say goodnight. Would it be okay if I asked you to date me? I’m not asking you to be my girlfriend, or commit yourself to me if you aren’t ready. But I also realize though that we can’t really progress into anything more if we don’t try. So what do you say, Morgan, can I take you to dinner Tuesday night? Nothing over the top, just a nice dinner, with nice wine, and maybe an even nicer kiss as I walk you to your door?”
“That sounds lovely, Adrian, thank you. Let’s play the kiss by ear though. You don’t want to put any undue pressure on it.”
“As I recall, we’ve had some pretty hot and heavy make out sessions. Even ones that included a little heavy petting,” he teases.
“Heavy petting? What are you, eighty? Call your cab, Romeo, I’ll get a little more hot tea from the kettle, it's really getting cold out. Thanksgiving is in a few days and soon the snow will be falling!” I say with a heavy heart, realizing that I’ll be without Drake during the holidays. I’ve been too busy lately to even think about it.
About ten minutes later, Adrian kisses me softly on the lips as he leaves my apartment. I thank him once again for such an amazing evening, and let him know I’m looking forward to our date on Tuesday. Filled with emotions I’m not quite sure how to handle, I decide to do something I haven’t done in a few weeks. I fire up my computer, and after a few more sips of tea, I email Drake.
From: Morgan Lane
Subject: Mixed emotions this evening
Date: November 27, 2013 23:44
To: Drake Baylor Jr.
Dear Drake,
Time really flies, doesn’t it? It’s been a month since I last wrote. I said I’d keep you up to date with my life. I’m sorry I haven’t been in touch. Not that it really matters, but you know.
It has also been a month since I started working for Adrian. I absolutely love my job. It started out a little rough because I caught some sort of nasty flu bug, but I’m over it now and starting to hit my stride. I love my accounts and the team I’m working with. I had my thirty day review with Adrian yesterday. Not only did he say that I am an asset to his company, but he gave me a raise as well! I told him I didn’t feel like a raise was necessary, especially because I have only been at the company for a month, but he assured me that he was really just making up for the wage he wished he could have started me at, and I’ve signed some amazing contracts that will more than make up for my raise. Either way, I’m happy for the validation that I’ve done my job well and that for now I am where I’m supposed to be.
To celebrate my achievements Adrian asked me to dinner at the club tonight. He surprised me by inviting both our sets of parents, which was so nice because it’s been years since I’ve seen his folks and we used to be very close. I haven’t seen my dad in a while (I saw Mom at brunch last week of course) so it was nice to catch up all around. Adding another surprise to the evening, Adrian also hired a band to play. The whole dining room ended up on the dance floor! It was so much fun.
I sit here, writing to you (translation: writing to me) and am feeling all sorts of emotions. I’m so proud of myself for a job well done over the past month. I’m happy that I had one of the best nights out that I’ve had since we were in Vegas together, but sad that you weren’t with me to enjoy the moment. Mostly I feel guilty. I tried all day to convince myself that t
onight wasn’t a date with Adrian, but a celebratory dinner. If I’m being honest though, I knew by the time I got myself dressed that it was a date. Adrian kissed me on the cheek and forehead a few times, but I let him kiss me on the lips twice. I feel awful. I feel awful that I let it happen, and even more awful that I did it because I wanted to try to move on from you.
You and I aren’t technically together. How can we be if I haven’t heard from you in months? We never said goodbye though. Never had our closure. Hell, we never had breakup sex, how sad is that? L The truth is, Drake, for us there will never be closure. Our hearts will never lose their connection. You may be a world apart from me or in my back yard for all I know, but I will never get over you, or be able to move on.
Adrian poured his heart out to me tonight. He confessed the love for me I knew he still had. He told me I’m his forever and that he’d wait for my heart to heal. He told me he’d never leave.
I love you, Drake. You own me body and soul. I told Adrian that I’m still in love with you, and those two days before you left me we talked about getting married when you become CEO. I still want that with you, Drake, SO MUCH. I also told him I’d go on a date with him Tuesday night. I didn’t make any promises or commitments to him, I was very honest about my feelings for you with him, but I can’t help feeling like the town fool for giving up a promising future with an amazing guy that won’t ever leave me while I sit around for another month or more, or forever, waiting for you to come home. I want happiness, Drake, and for the first time in the months spent without you, I was happy tonight. I want that feeling to continue. I wish you could hold me right now and tell me everything will be okay and that you’ll be home soon. For now, I’ll just tell you that I love you, and I miss you…really miss you, and I hope that wherever you are, you are okay.