She climbed a few steps of the stairs then halted but continued to make the sound of footsteps, gradually trailing off. Then she stood perfectly still, feeling really ridiculous. His coat was hanging up and she tip-toed back down the few stairs and over to it. She pushed her hand deep into his pocket. She felt around and froze. Her hand gripped his mobile tightly. She heard him slam the kitchen drawer as he read out the ingredients on the tin to himself like he always did. She grabbed the phone and pushed it deep into the leg of her high brown-suede boots. Her heart was racing. She didn’t care if he came looking for it in the slightest – she was just terrified about what she was going to read. She crept back up the stairs and headed for the bathroom.
She closed the door, ran the shower and turned the key. She closed the lid on the toilet, sat down and reached deep into her boot. What if it rang? She switched the button on the side to silent and stared hard at the running water. She guessed right. Password four nines just like the house alarm and their old bank pin number. She stared so hard her vision was blurred then she traced her index finger over the little green box with the white bubble inside it. She tapped it ever so lightly. It opened on all Neil’s messages. Her breathing quickened. Keith Paul. Sandy Baby. Bert. Terry. Doggie. Marina R. Samantha D. She stopped.
She opened the message box. Hi, Marina, if you are ever looking for an electrician on the B&B I’m free, here’s my number just in case. Her reply was simply: Thank you. I will keep you in mind. Same message to Samantha D. She scrolled down and down. Nothing looked suspicious. Her breathing was returning to normal. Dentist. Hines. Phone company. Pat. Erik. Lucy McKenna – she opened it. Hi Lucy, how’s tricks? If you know of anyone looking for an electrician pass on my number, would you? A simple reply: Of course. Hope Sandra and you are well? She hit the bottom button and returned to the main menu. She flicked across the screen to find the green button with the white phone symbol inside. She hit this and clicked down the bottom on recent. It was cleared. No recent calls. Why was that? She clicked on Missed calls. This was cleared too. He was entitled to clear his call log, wasn’t he? But if he was clearing that, wouldn’t he clear his private text messages too?
She heard him at the door now and jumped as he pushed the handle down hard. “Sandra?” he shouted above the water. “Why is the door locked?”
She pulled her boots off frantically, pulled down her skirt and wrapped a towel around her head. “Hang on!” she called as she turned off the shower and reefed her shirt off, unclipped her bra and grabbed a towel around her. She opened the door. “Sorry, habit from work, I guess, after my swim. Is it ready?” She pretended to rub the towel around her wet hair as she opened the bathroom door slowly.
“No, but you haven’t seen my phone, have you?” He looked hard at her.
She tried to read his face. Poker face. “Your phone? No, I haven’t.” She continued to rub at her imaginary wet hair, careful not to let the towel slip.
“I thought it was in my jacket pocket but I can’t find it now.”
Suddenly she felt like such a tit. “I’ll help you look now – just let me dry off.”
He backed out the door and she shut it behind him.
She had no proof. So he was trying to take care of himself by wearing aftershave and dressing well? So he was spending days in pubs? The man had no work. He had nowhere to go. For better or worse was a laugh. So much for her practising The Secret – she was about as negative as a person could be. She was absolutely no support to him. This was crazy. She needed to move on.
There was only one thing for it. She opened the tiny bathroom window ever so slowly and, dangling her arm out with his phone in her hand, so she could position it correctly, she dropped the phone out and it fell right outside the back door beside his tool shed where it smashed to pieces.
***
Cara had left the Moritz early this evening. It had been quiet and Jonathon told her she could head off if she wanted to. He knew she was eager to get her place in shape. She opened a tin of chicken soup and left it simmering on low in the pot. After she tidied all around and put on all her lamps and lit her candles she stood back and looked at the walls of her living room. She was thinking the bright yellow that was in Room 16 for this room. When she told Jonathan that she would go ahead and actually make a start on her DIY this evening he had been really helpful. He had kindly given her loads of paints and he was dropping them by later on as they were far too heavy for her to carry. She had seen a beautiful pale blue that the dining area in the hotel was painted in and she wanted that colour for her bedroom. She padded into the kitchen and turned off the hob. She poured the soup into a bowl, ground on some black pepper and got a spoon. She carried it back into the living room and sat on the couch. As she blew on the hot liquid she remembered painting their apartment in Sandymount. It had been a beautiful two-bed overlooking the sea. Someday when she felt strong enough she’d go back and have a walk on Sandymount Strand. It was a beautiful place. She dropped the spoon back into the bowl untouched as she remembered the day they had viewed it.
***
“So do you like it?” Alex had asked.
She’d turned around and faced him. “It’s just too amazing, Alex. There’s no way I could ever afford to live here.”
“Well, you wouldn’t have to. I can afford it for both of us!” He grinned at her.
“I can’t, Alex, really. I mean, I’d love to, but apart from the money I have to think about Esther.”
“Hasn’t Esther her own house to live in?” His blue eyes narrowed now.
“Of course she does, but you know what I mean. I’d feel better if she sold the house and got a small apartment of her own. So I thought she could put the house up for sale now and stay with us, just for a few months, until we find her a perfect place. Obviously I’m not saying she has to move in with us, Alex . . . but just for a little while maybe? I’d just feel better about it? Is that crazy?”
Alex dug his hands deeper into his pockets as Mia, the woman showing the property, recognised the tension and backed out slowly into the hallway.
“It’s all getting a bit tiresome, Cara – all this mammy stuff if you don’t mind me saying.”
“I’m sorry, I know it seems stupid, I can hear it when I say it but she needs me, I’m all she has really and I just want her to be happy. You knew that when you met me.” She was feeling slightly annoyed now.
“I didn’t actually, Cara. I didn’t ask your mother out on a date, I asked you.”
“Well, you must not have been listening to me, Alex, because I told you that very first night how important my mother’s happiness is to me, that I need to look after her. She did everything for me and it’s the least I can do for her. I don’t want her to live with us, Alex, I just want to make sure she’s comfortable and secure, that’s all.” He didn’t answer her. Trying to make a joke of it, she added, “Or maybe all that altitude has you slightly deaf?” She gave a half-hearted laugh as she walked to the window and stared at the waves crashing on to the sea-front wall.
He moved into her face so quickly she started back in fright.
“Never speak to me like that. I’m not a fucking doormat, Cara, and you will not walk all over me!” His words spat into her face.
Cara stood stunned. Alex’s piercing blue eyes were blazing anger and his breath was heavy and fast. He was still right in her face. She didn’t move. Her heart was pounding.
“What’s wrong, Alex?” she whispered, conscious of Mia out in the hallway – but she was on her phone and laughing, so probably unaware.
He didn’t answer her. She had never seen this side of him. How had she provoked this reaction? Clearly he’d had it with all the Esther talk. Maeve the chef had told her to “wise up” when she’d talked about worrying about her mother when she left home. “Don’t be a head-the-ball – you have to move on! Esther’s grand! Next you’ll be telling me you want to move her in with the sexy TFC or TDF or TCP or whatever you call that pilot. Cop on, Cara!”
> She didn’t want to move Esther in with them but she did feel an enormous guilt about moving out and leaving her all alone. She couldn’t help it.
“Sorry.” He leaned his head on her shoulder now. “It’s just . . . God, I know she’s your mother, Cara, so this is stupid but –”
His words were interrupted by Mia who had returned to the front room. “So then, do you want to have some more time? I have another couple due in now but, sure, I can meet them down at the car and give you a few more minutes?”
“No, we’re done,” Alex replied. He took his car key out of his pocket and flicked it open.
Mia had seen it all before. “No worries. Great to see you both and sure you have my number at Clover Auctioneers if you need to speak to me about anything.”
Alex left and Mia winked at Cara.
She’d best be honest. “Sorry, Mia, we just had a stupid row.”
Mia nodded and held up her hand. “Seen it all before – nothing unusual there. It’s hard work looking at places to live – it’s such an important thing that people find it very pressurising.”
“Occupational hazard?” Cara managed.
“Yes, something like that.” Mia laughed. “Listen, Cara, moving house, whether you are renting or buying, is one of the most stressful things in the world. Take your time. You have my number. I’m here if you want to call me.”
Mia smiled and Cara was struck with how pretty the other woman was. She felt herself blush. “Thanks, Mia.”
Cara made her way down the winding stairway and out to the navy Volvo. He was sitting in the driver’s seat, engine running.
“Can we talk?” she asked as she sidled in and the overpowering heat hit her hard.
“Sure,” he nodded meekly and turned off the engine.
“What was that all about?” She was beginning to feel really angry at him now. How dare he speak to her like that?
“Ah, listen, I don’t know, I’m just so mad about you . . . and my parents . . . you see . . . well, put it this way . . . there were three people in their marriage . . . and not in an in-law way, you know what I mean?”
“An affair?”
“Yeah, an affair, and a very serious one.”
She moved her hand onto his knee now. “I’m sorry, Alex.”
“Ah, listen, I’m over it, I really am. I’m a big boy. It’s just that it broke my mother up and I’ve never been able to forgive my dad. He said it wasn’t an affair, that he really was in love with this other bitch.”
The word bitch bothered Cara even though she agreed the other woman more than likely was a bitch.
“Okay, it was just that I want it to be the two of us, no hassles. I know Esther isn’t a hassle but I just envisioned looking at my first home with the woman I love being a joyous occasion.”
“What happened, Alex?”
“Ah, it was a nightmare. I was young, seventeen, I was doing my Leaving Cert. Dad was always a free spirit, so being a pilot he moved us all over the place.” He paused. “Then he met her one day and that was it. He decided it was okay to conduct an affair. Imagine that! She was a scrubber and he was willing to risk his marriage to our mother, our wonderful mother, for her. Sometimes I wonder why I ever followed in his footsteps – in the job, I mean. Who wants to be like him? He’s a total fuck-up and now so am I.”
“Alex! You are not a fuck-up!” Cara said and meant it. The poor guy, she thought. How parents can ruin children’s lives!
“We used to try and hide it from Mam. We were so worried she’d be disgraced. My sister found out about it first and told me. Mam eventually found out but the scrubber had kicked him into touch by then. She didn’t want to know him. He was devastated but only that Mam had caught him out. But she forgave him, if you can believe that.”
“And took him back?” Cara asked.
Alex ran his fingers through his thick black hair and leaned his head on the back of the driver’s head-rest. “Yeah, Cara, she took the dickhead back.”
The car was silent. Alex rarely used language like this and Cara was slightly shocked. She didn’t really know what to say but at least she was starting to understand Alex a bit more. His behaviour made a lot more sense now. His jealousy. She’d never really admitted it to herself before but Alex was very jealous. He’d pushed and pushed her the other night to tell him all about her exes and her sex life. She had refused for ages and he had tickled her until she was honestly going to cry. She gave in and told him. His face had instantaneously clouded over and he had gone to bed early citing a headache. Jealousy was the one trait Cara hated in people yet here she was madly in love with this man. Now she knew where it was all coming from.
“Seriously, Cara, I’m a nightmare.”
She laughed and fished on the floor for her bag. Her lips were so dry. She removed her Kiel’s lip balm and rubbed it all over her lips before tying her loose hair up into a knot on her head. “You’re not, Alex.”
He stared at her, his piercing blue eyes melting hers. “I’m so sorry I spoke to you like that. It will never happen again. We don’t have to live there. We can get Esther settled somewhere first and then look at places again, if that’s what you really want.”
“No.” She shook her head defiantly. “It’s not fair on you. I love the apartment. I will speak to Mam this evening and I know she’ll be over the moon for us. We’ll get her sorted after. Let’s do it.”
He leaned over and kissed her hard on the lips.
Chapter 10
“Cara?” Jenny was standing at her office door in behind reception. “Can I talk to you for a second?”
“Sure.” Cara left her seat and made her way out.
Jenny’s blonde hair was in a high ponytail and dark-brown eye shadow sat on her pretty slate-grey eyes. She looked worried as she fished a tissue from her small white clutch bag.
“Are you okay?” Cara asked.
“Yeah, I’m fine, but it’s Max – he doesn’t want to make a speech on the day.” Jenny’s eyes filled up with tears.
“No? Well, come and sit down and we can have a chat.”
Jenny took a seat and blew her nose. “I mean, why would he want to ruin my day like this, Cara? It’s a little speech, a few words, that’s all.”
“What has he said?”
“He says he doesn’t want to stand up in front of all those people. He was a tennis pro, Cara, for crying out loud! He’s played in front of thousands of people, he reports on television and now he’s nervous of this! Give me a break!”
Cara wanted to say leave him alone, so what? Let him enjoy his day. It’s not about the silly speech, it’s about the rest of your lives together. But she didn’t. She couldn’t. “Would it help if I called him maybe?” she offered.
“Would you, please? Tell him he has to speak – it will ruin my day if he doesn’t.” She blew again and stood up. “Okay, I’m meeting the girls in Hines bar for a few drinks now. Here’s his number, Cara.” She scribbled the number down on the back of a beer mat and hugged Cara. “I owe you!”
“Well, I can’t promise you anything but I will try.” Cara picked up the beer mat and twirled it between her finger and thumb.
“You can do it – as Jonathan said to me last week, you are very special.”
Cara wanted to know more.
***
Sandra answered her phone on the third ring as she returned from the stables after her break. “Hello?” She peeled her hair from her mouth as she slipped in the staff back door. The wind was wild out there today and her lip gloss was not for the outdoors!
“Is this Sandra Darragh?” a female voice asked her.
“Yes,” she answered as she headed to reception, nodding at Mike as they passed in the corridor.
“Neil Darragh’s wife?”
Oh, here we go again, she thought and stopped to lean her back against the wall. I knew it, she thought.
“This is Sister Theresa from St Catherine’s hospital in Knocknoly. I’m afraid he’s been in a motorcycle accident,
dear.”
***
Sandra sat by the bed and held Neil’s hand. His fingernails were spotless. She held a white plastic cup of water in her other hand. He was asleep. He hadn’t been too seriously hurt, thank God, but he was still out and she was waiting until he woke. She was still his wife after all, and although she knew she had to speak honestly to him now wasn’t the right time. He had a broken wrist and badly bruised ribs according to the doctor. He was bruised and battered all over.
She stared at him sleeping. He was so unfamiliar to her lately and she just couldn’t pull him back. He was slipping away as her husband and the man she looked at now was becoming a stranger. It was a deep feeling inside her gut that she knew he was seeing someone. How could he? After all they had been through? What kind of a man was he really? What sort of judge of character was she to have dedicated her life to him? Sandra would never have cheated on him, ever. She took her vows and she meant them.
She sipped some tepid water. She thought about the fact she had called Dermot as soon as she hung up after the call from the hospital. Why had she done that? He had been so kind to her lately, she supposed. “I’ll drive you over,” he had said. “No, it’s fine,” she’d answered. “I’ll call you from the hospital.”
Dermot had always been so kind to her. He was just always around, always close by.
Her parents lived on the outskirts of Knocknoly but she was no longer close enough to them. Since they had both retired their lives had literally been taken over by golf. Every morning, every afternoon and every evening. Her mother had always been there for her growing up and had been very supportive in the beginning with the IVF but now that support had dwindled. “Is it time to maybe move on, love? Explore other options?” her mother had said not so long ago in Louise’s over coffee. Dressed in her bright yellow V-neck polo shirt and chequered purple trousers she was becoming a woman Sandra didn’t really recognise any more. Her mother Vera used to always be at home. Cooking, laughing, listening to music, tending the garden, doing stuff in the house, painting her stills: she was always just there. Present. It wasn’t that Sandra wanted her mother stuck at home by any means but she also didn’t want a relationship with a golf club and that’s what it was now. Vera was a different woman. Robert, her father, had always played golf – it was where all his business deals were done, he used to say. So he would be gone all week and all weekend. Unknown to Robert, Vera started golf lessons herself and then one day, after a full year of lessons and after taking to it like a duck to water, she asked Robert if she could tag along. He looked at his wife like she was crazy but agreed. As he teed off he turned to humour her. “Your go, dear. Just try and make contact with the ball!” Vera had taken out her driver and hit a shot that made Robert make a sound she hadn’t heard in years. It was a cross between an orgasm and acute fear.
The Other Side of Wonderful Page 10