Cortez was still staring at the box. He sighed sharply. “Because I see something I want very badly,” he murmured. “I see something I am ready for – marriage and a family. But you… you are not ready. You only see someone who seeks to erase your life with Robert and that is not my intent.”
“What is your intent?”
“To create a new life with you,” he replied, lifting his head to look at her. She was so hauntingly beautiful in the weak firelight from the open brazier and he felt a strange tugging at his heart as he gazed at her. “When… when Helene died, I was much like you. I was filled with grief because not only had I lost my wife, but my daughter as well. I was so torn with sorrow that I would not allow them to be buried. For three days, I stayed with my wife, holding the baby, cursing God for his cruelty. I was drunk beyond measure. My knights finally put something in my wine to drug me so they could take my wife and daughter away for burial. I was so distressed that I refused to go to the mass. I stayed in our chamber, the chamber she died in, and drank myself into oblivion. It took me months to pull myself together enough to function like a normal man. So, indeed, I do understand your pain. I understand it all too well.”
By this time, Diamantha’s rage was nearly gone. His sorrowful words were like water on a fire and she stared at him, her hand unconsciously moving to her chest as if to cover her broken heart. She couldn’t help it.
“I can still feel pain from you,” she confirmed as if surprised by the realization. “I can feel it in your words. I remember attending Helene’s funeral and you were nowhere to be found. Robert went looking for you, do you recall? When he returned to me, he said that he had found you and that you were mad with grief.”
Cortez nodded, not particularly wanting to relive those horrible memories. For the first time since his arrival at Corfe, he was genuinely not trying to control the situation. He was trying to show some understanding.
“I was,” he agreed. “I still cannot go into the church where her body lies. I was to go into it for the first time since her burial when I married you. I thought… I thought that mayhap Helene would like to see our wedding for herself.”
Diamantha completely lost her anger. It was sucked right out of her by Cortez’s lingering grief, something that was still with him after all of this time. It was something they shared, a common ground they both understood. A common ground that left them both empty and hollow. At that moment, her strength seemed to leave her and she pitched forward onto her knees. She simply hadn’t the power to stand any longer because all of the fight had left her. Cortez rushed to help her but she waved him off. Not unkindly, but she waved him off just the same. She wasn’t angry with him any longer but she didn’t want him touching her; not yet, anyway. She tried to speak but there was a lump in her throat. Before she could stop herself, the tears began to come.
“I miss her,” she wept quietly. “I miss her and I miss Robert. But at least you know where your wife is. You know she is safely buried with your daughter in her great stone crypt in Sherborne’s abbey, but I have no such comfort. I do not know where my husband’s body is and every night when I go to sleep, I pray for his soul. I am so afraid that it is restless, that he is restless, and I pray that God comforts him. I ask God to tell Robert that I am sorry that his body is lost and his soul has no rest. I pray that same prayer every night and feel so helpless that there is nothing I can do for him. For a man who was so loved, it destroys me to think that he was lost and abandoned in death.”
Cortez eased himself down onto his bum next to her, watching her weep with pain. It was heartbreaking. This woman, who had lost so much, with grief that was still raw and agonizing. In that realization came a great deal of guilt for him even though she hadn’t meant to cause it. He had been with Robert in his last moments. He had allowed the man to fade into oblivion, to die alone and abandoned. It was his fault.
“I wish I could have done more,” he insisted softly. “I remained with him as long as I could. I swear to you that I did not intentionally abandon him.”
Diamantha nodded, wiping at her nose. “I understand that now,” she said. “But he is missing all the same. I will never have my husband to bury as you had your wife to bury. I cannot visit his grave and know that his remains are safe. The only place I can see him now is in my dreams.”
There was a huge amount of anguish in that statement and Cortez turned away as she wiped the stray tears from her cheeks. He was coming to realize that his inaction of bringing Robert home for burial had caused a great deal of her pain. The woman had no closure. With no body to bury, she was still expecting a miracle and hoping that Robert would return home someday. But Cortez seemed to be the only one who knew that was not to be.
Furthermore, he was beginning to understand something else – even if he married the woman, Robert Edlington would always come between them because in her mind, he wasn’t truly dead. No body, no death. Cortez had to right that wrong, if for no other reason than to pave the way for a new life and a new marriage with Diamantha. He wanted the woman’s adoration but if not that, at least her respect. He was coming to see he was going to have to earn it. He couldn’t bully her into submission. She had made that clear. He was going to work for it.
“My lady,” he finally said. “May… may I make a proposal to you?”
Diamantha sniffled, swallowing the last of her tears. “You already did last night.”
There was a surprising tinge of humor to the statement and he looked at her with a glimmer in his eye. “Not that kind of proposal,” he said, “although I would like to make one that would mayhap see both of us satisfied. May I continue?”
Diamantha looked at him dubiously for a moment before reluctantly nodding. “You may.”
He smiled faintly. “During the course of this conversation, it has become evident to me that I hold a good deal of responsibility for your grief,” he said. “I was with Robert in his final hours and I should have been more diligent in my care of him. I know that you do not understand the dynamics of battle so I will not bore you with them. The reasons behind my perceived carelessness do not matter. All that matters is that I am a knight of noble character and to leave a comrade behind was inexcusable. I should have done everything in my power to locate him. That being said, it is therefore my duty to return for the man and bring him home.”
An expression of shock crossed Diamantha’s face. “Return for him?” she repeated. “What do you mean?”
He lifted his eyebrows in a resigned gesture. “I mean exactly what I said,” he replied quietly. “My proposal is this… if I bring Robert’s body home for burial, will you consent to marrying me without reservation upon completion of this task?”
Diamantha’s astonishment deepened. “But… but you told me last night that my father had already given you permission to marry me,” she said, although she genuinely wasn’t trying to be combative. “What does it matter if you have my consent or not? You told me this morning that you were going to take me back to Sherborne and marry me immediately.”
He nodded, appearing rather contrite. “I was doing the only thing I knew to do,” he said. “I was issuing a command. My lady, I have nearly twelve hundred men at my disposal and I am not accustomed to asking permission from anyone. I see now that my approach to you has been incorrect. I should not have made such demands. I should have at least tried to gain your agreement in a more polite manner but I fear I am very out of practice with such things.”
She was genuinely surprised to see that he seemed like a man who had realized his arrogance had overwhelmed his better judgment. It was quite astonishing given all she’d ever heard about Cortez de Bretagne. The man she had heard tale of never backed down from anything, or anyone. Inevitably, she could feel herself softening towards him just the slightest but more than that, he had offered to bring Robert home. That fact alone had her very interested in what he was saying.
If agreeing to a betrothal would bring her husband’s body home for good, then perhaps she
should consider it. Perhaps she should use de Bretagne for that purpose alone and if she ended up married to the man then at least it was for a good cause. She wanted Robert home and Cortez had offered to do it. As much as she professed to pray to God for Robert’s soul, the truth was that she was willing to make a deal with the devil if it would see her husband returned to her. Aye, she was willing to do anything. She studied the man a moment, his dark beauty and glittering eyes, before replying.
“When will you do this?” she asked.
He was hopeful that she hadn’t refused him outright. “Immediately,” he told her. “I will go tomorrow morning.”
“All the way to Scotland?”
“All the way to Scotland.”
She pondered that a moment. “It will take weeks at the very least,” she said. “Probably months.”
“Probably.”
She fell silent a moment, contemplating. “What happens if you cannot find him?”
His gaze was intense. “I will find him,” he assured her. “I will bring him back to you.”
“But you said he was lost in the mud. You said it was impossible.”
He cocked his head. “It was impossible at the time,” he replied. “The situation was far too volatile to recover the dead. It is not too volatile now and I can take the time to search without fearing for my life.”
She looked at him, hard. “And you truly believe you can find him?”
“I swear I will do my very best.”
She had no idea why she believed him completely, but she did. There was something in his tone, in his manner, that gave her that confidence. Cortez de Bretagne was a great knight with a golden reputation and if he said he would return Robert to her, then he would. She very much wanted to have faith. It was the first time in three months that she had felt any hope at all and she was desperate to cling to it.
“As you say,” she whispered as she nodded her head, her gaze locked with his. “When you bring Robert home, I will keep my part of the bargain. I will marry you without reservation.”
Cortez’s expression remained earnest yet serious. “Thank you,” he muttered. “But we must also address the possibility that my best may not be good enough. If the worst happens and I am unable to bring him home, then I would like to know that my effort alone will also warrant your agreement. It is a sincere man who would go on such a quest for a woman he wishes to marry.”
He was correct in that observation. It would be a sincere man, indeed. Diamantha couldn’t help the shadow of a smile upon her lips.
“If you cannot return Robert home, then I will agree that your effort alone is worthy of my agreement,” she said softly. “You have my vow that I will still marry you.”
Cortez’s dark eyes glimmered at her, she thought, with some warmth. It was a magnetic expression, one that set her heart to racing. It was an entirely new sensation to experience with the man who had, until this moment, only brought about feelings of frustration and rage. The warmth was something completely new, something that bolted through her and took her breath away. As she sat there and struggled to process it, he extended a hand to her.
“When a bargain is struck between two honorable individuals,” he added, “it is usual to seal the deal with a shake of the hand.”
Hesitantly, Diamantha extended her right hand and he took it within is massive mitt, shaking it gently. His smile grew.
“Very well, Lady Edlington,” he said. “We have an agreement. I shall endeavor to fulfill my end of it.”
It took Diamantha a moment to realize that he had stopped shaking her hand. Now, he was just holding it, his warmth enveloping her small fingers. There was something very powerful and heated and stimulating about his touch. She could feel the bolts of excitement shooting up her arm. Jolted, uncertain, she pulled her hand away.
“And I shall endeavor to fulfill mine,” she said. She was still disturbed by the thrill of the man’s touch and struggled to her feet. “For now, I will make sure you are well supplied for your journey to find my husband. I must return to the keep and make arrangements for your provisions.”
Cortez stood up next to her, his hand politely on her elbow as she steadied herself. Even though it was just her elbow, he could feel the same jolts of excitement he had felt when he had been holding her hand. He was fairly certain she had felt them as well judging by her rather bewildered expression. He was beyond delighted. He hadn’t felt such emotion in years. He had wondered if he ever would again.
“That is a kind offer but unnecessary,” he said. “I will stop at Sherborne before heading north and gather supplies.”
Diamantha shook her head firmly as she struggled on her freezing wet slippers. “I must insist,” she said. “You are going in search of my husband, are you not? Therefore, I must make sure you are amply supplied. It is my duty.”
He wasn’t going to argue with her about it; she seemed determined. “Then whatever you can provide would be much appreciated,” he said as she stumbled her way towards the tent flap. He couldn’t help but notice she was walking rather oddly. “Forgive me for prying, but is something the matter?”
She looked at him innocently. “What do you mean?”
He suspected she was evading him. “You walk strangely,” he said. “Is something the matter with your feet? Have you hurt yourself?”
Diamantha’s pride was a great and terrible thing. She was prepared to fend him off but realized she couldn’t. She didn’t want him to know she had come to do battle with him so ill prepared but she supposed in hindsight that none of it mattered any longer. With a wry expression, she lifted up her skirt to show him her ruined slippers.
“They are not meant to become wet or walk over rocks and soil,” she pointed to her shoes. “I ruined them on my way to berate you. I should have put on more durable shoes but I suppose my anger would not wait.”
He looked at the wet, torn slippers. “It is a good thing you did not stop to put on more durable shoes,” he said. “You might have tried to kick me with them.”
She couldn’t help but crack a grin. “You are too big to engage in a kicking fight,” she said. “I would have lost.”
He smiled broadly, displaying his straight, white teeth. “I would have let you win.”
She eyed him with doubt. “Somehow, I do not think so,” she said. “You are not a man, I suspect, that would easily surrender.”
He shrugged. “I surrendered to your daughter when she abducted me and forced me to visit her pony.”
Diamantha couldn’t help it; she laughed softly and Cortez was entranced. She had the most beautiful smile had had ever seen, one that positively lit up the heavens. His heart began to flutter strangely at the sight and limbs seemed to tingle oddly. It was a strange but wonderful sensation and it took him a moment to realize that he was actually giddy. The woman makes me giddy!
“You were not so unwilling,” Diamantha said skeptically. “When I saw you, you seemed quite complacent.”
“Only because I did not want to upset your daughter.”
He was being stubborn but it was all for show. “Then I appreciate your sensitivity,” she said, mocking him with good humor. “Now, if you will excuse me, I will see to your needs for the morrow.”
He couldn’t seem to let go of her elbow. “You will never make it in those shoes.”
“I have little choice.”
His dark eyes smoldered at her. “Aye, you do.” Bending over, he swept her into his arms. “Will you allow your betrothed to carry you back to the keep? It will save your feet.”
Diamantha’s first instinct was to slap his face but she couldn’t bring herself to do it. Then, her next thought was to push herself from his arms but she couldn’t seem to manage that, either. There was something about his big, muscular arms and warm body that destroyed every last shred of resistance she had against the man. The last time she had been held by a man… oh, God, it seemed so very long ago. Robert had warm and powerful arms that had made her feel so very safe and che
rished. She had missed that terribly. Now, she was in Cortez’s arms and not entirely surprised that she liked it very much. His arms were bigger than Robert’s had been and she found them very safe and wonderful. She thought herself weak for liking it so much. Aye, she was weak, indeed.
“So we are betrothed?” she asked, trying not to sound breathless and excited. “I thought we were not betrothed until you returned with Robert’s body.”
He cocked an eyebrow. “For now, we are betrothed,” he informed her in that commanding tone she had heard before. “When I return, I plan to marry you that very day. I will not wait.”
Diamantha didn’t have anything to say to that. They had made their bargain and the terms were accepted. At the moment, she was struggling to process the course the night had taken. De Bretagne was no longer her enemy or a man to be hated. He was going to bring Robert back to her to give her peace and closure.
Aye, it was a sincere man who would do that for the woman he planned to marry. She suspected that he was doing it to gain her compliance more than he was doing it to make her happy, although she supposed in a small way he did want to make her happy. He had no idea just how happy he had made her, but along with that happiness came something else. It was a feeling of curiosity, of emptiness, and of longing.
As Cortez carried her across the outer ward and towards the great gatehouse, Diamantha couldn’t help feeling as if something was missing. It was the oddest sensation, truly. There was a feeling of anxiety and impatience as it began to occur to her that she would have to wait for Cortez to return from his questing and that could take months. It might even take years. If he lost interest in the project, then he might never return at all. Nay, she couldn’t stand it if that happened. It would surely kill her.
By the time Cortez politely dropped her off on the steps to the great keep, Diamantha was deep in thought, mulling over plans for the future and weighing her options. She pretended to go inside when Cortez left her off, but in truth, she stood just inside the door, watching the big man disappear into the misty night. Her thoughts, her ideas, centered around him entirely; if he truly wanted to make her happy, and if he truly wanted her commitment to his marriage proposal, then she was about to put that desire to the test.
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