by Mike Ripley
‘I don’t think you are taking this seriously,’ said Amanda.
‘A leopard can’t change his stripes,’ rumbled Mr Lugg.
‘Don’t you encourage him! He really has to learn that music hall is dead and he doesn’t have to play the fool. All the people at this party know what you’re like and they’ve come because they love or respect you, not to suffer your end-of-the-pier act.’
Mr Campion smiled fondly at his wife.
‘I notice you said love or respect, inferring that I am not entitled to both. So if I cannot persuade our guests to love me for my witty patter, do you think I can gain their respect by pointing out that I have, so far, lived under six monarchs and fifteen different prime ministers, perhaps sixteen if I can hang on until the election next month? Or are they just coming for the cake? There will be cake, won’t there? I only agreed to have a birthday on condition there was cake.’
‘Yes, there will be cake,’ Lady Amanda relented and smiled, ‘with thick white icing strong enough to stand on.’
‘And marzipan, I ’ope. A proper birthday cake ’as a good half-inch underlay of marzipan.’
The Campions looked at the bald fat man, both of them thinking that the mere mention of cake, icing and marzipan should by rights have turned the straining buttons on Lugg’s starched white shirt into death-dealing projectiles and his bow-tie into a garrotte.
‘Haven’t you got an elsewhere to be?’ Mr Campion suggested airily as Lady Amanda tied his bow-tie for him, her delicate fingers manipulating the back silk as skilfully as a pair of spiders cooperating on the perfect web. ‘Downstairs, in the party room perhaps? Surely there must be minions to intimidate, spoons to count, napkins to fold, guests to insult; things like that.’
Lugg’s Easter Island statue of a head trembled in mock indignation, an expression the Campions were all too familiar with.
‘I fort I was an ’onoured guest at this shindig, not being a flunky as per usual,’ grumbled the fat man. ‘But since you’re taking your own sweet time getting dressed and having your hair done, I don’t mind doing a bit of meeting-and-greeting downstairs while you keep the crowds waiting.’
‘I won’t be long,’ said Campion, deliberately running the fingers of his right hand through his still luxuriant, if white, hair, ‘but when you do have a good head of hair …’
‘All right, don’t rub it in,’ grumbled Lugg, noticing in the mirror in front of which Campion was preening that the room’s overhead lights were producing a reflective glow from his bald pate.
‘You could go and say hello to the guests, I suppose, as long as you don’t start frisking them or chucking bricks at any you don’t like the look of.’
‘We expecting the usual suspects, then?’
Mr Campion turned sideways on to the mirror, appreciating both the slim figure inside the sleek dinner suit and the slender arms of his wife around his shoulders.
‘They’re a motley crew but you’ll know most of them, although there are one or two guests arriving from the Continent from whom I have successfully managed to conceal your existence for many years.’
‘Foreigners, eh? I might have known,’ muttered Lugg, making no attempt to hide his distaste; not at nationality but at being kept in ignorance.
‘There will be an important French lady, a German gentleman and two ladies of Spain, so best behaviour, please.’
‘And ’ow will I recognize ’em?’
‘As they are neither family of mine nor friends of yours, they will be the ones standing politely to one side, behaving themselves, not shouting for a waitress and demanding more aperitifs and canapés.’
‘Do you want me to converse with them, or do I just stand there like a wooden Indian?’
‘Probably best if you say as little as possible. Get Rupert and Perdita to do the small talk. Oh, and you should know, the German gentleman is a Freiherr.’
‘A friar? Wot, like a monk?’
‘Freiherr; it’s a title, somewhere between a knight and a baron, so show some respect.’
Lugg sighed dramatically and shifted his considerable bulk in the direction of the door of the suite. ‘Another case of “up the workers”, eh? Don’t worry, I know my place.’
‘I have never seen any evidence of that,’ Amanda whispered in her husband’s ear.
‘And don’t mention the last World Cup,’ said Campion to Lugg’s broad retreating back.
Two private function rooms had been booked for the party on the ground floor of The Dorchester, a dining room with a view out over Hyde Park and immediate but discreet access to the Grill kitchens, and an adjoining reception room which housed an exceptionally well-stocked bar and a small area of staging just big enough to allow a trio of jazz musicians to entertain without causing a riot.
It had fallen to Mr Campion’s son Rupert and his wife Perdita to be in the front line of welcoming the guests. It was a duty they had volunteered for; or rather, Perdita had volunteered them in lieu of providing, in her opinion, a decent birthday present. As both were aspiring thespians, their thoughts on seventieth-birthday presents suitable for a man who lacked nothing and desired even less tended towards the theatrical, but when the best Rupert could come up with were tickets to the premiere at the Garrick of Sing a Rude Song, a show based on the life of Marie Lloyd which the pair had seen earlier in the year when it had been developed at the Greenwich Theatre, Perdita bridled that the gift seemed rather pusillanimous. Rupert’s defensive pleading that the show did, after all, star Barbara Windsor cut no ice, and neither did Perdita’s counter-suggestion of the new Beatles LP Let It Be. So they compromised by offering their services as unofficial maître d’s for the event. They had even suggested that they could perform their roles in any character or period dress of the birthday boy’s choosing, but Lady Amanda had rapidly and quite violently vetoed Mr Campion’s immediate suggestions of ‘Tarzan and Jane’ and insisted on formal evening wear. Rupert had also been put firmly in his place by his mother when he had suggested, as he would be in a dinner jacket, that he might entertain arriving guests with a display of magic. ‘Absolutely not!’ Lady Amanda had thundered. ‘If I won’t permit your father to do his card tricks and his juggling act, I am certainly not allowing you.’
The younger Campions had therefore taken up their stations with solemn professionalism, making sure they were in position before Lugg could interpose his personality on the arrivals before they had taken off their coats.
‘You really should have briefed me,’ Perdita complained as the cars and taxis began to flock down Park Lane.
‘About what, darling? It’s a party, just enjoy yourself,’ soothed her husband.
‘About the guests, you twit. You’ve got to remember I won’t know half of them.’
‘And I won’t know the other half,’ said Rupert, ‘so we’ll cancel each other out, but we’re not ushers at a wedding. We’re supposed to get everyone to mingle, so let’s introduce ourselves to everyone, whether they want to meet us or not. I’ll try and whisper a few crib notes if any of the family black sheep show up.’
‘Your family has black sheep?’
‘A whole flock of them, so I’m told, and speak of the Devil, here’s one now – well, not a black sheep so much as a grey one with black spots.’
Outside the hotel, a man was decanting himself in somewhat ungainly fashion from a black cab, the raincoat he carried folded over his arms seemingly acting like handcuffs as he hopped on one leg, freed a hand and began to search his pockets for the fare due.
‘Is that a Campion?’ Perdita asked as she frantically signalled for a waiter with a tray of drinks to come and stand by her side.
‘Of a sort,’ answered Rupert, ‘it’s a cousin of mine, Christopher, youngest son of Dad’s younger brother.’
Perdita watched the man approach the hotel lobby. He tripped once, over a rebellious shoelace, and appeared sincerely relieved when a liveried doorman demonstrated how the glass doors opened to allow him entry. He had the Campion heig
ht but at least double the usual portion of Campion girth, and his decision to go hatless exposed a prematurely balding head and a half-hearted attempt at what Perdita understood to be called a ‘comb-over’. As he came under the strident lighting of the hotel interior, she could see that his complexion was what – on a farmer in a Dorset field – would be called ‘ruddy’, but on a middle-aged man in a dinner jacket is usually classified as ‘florid’. She also noticed that he had large, thick-fingered hands, which added to the initial agricultural impression.
The new arrival’s rather horsey face lit up as he recognized Rupert across the lobby, but no sooner had he begun to stride purposely towards the younger Campions than he seemed startled by the fact that he was still carrying his raincoat, and he swivelled precariously on his heels through ninety degrees and set off with great purpose towards the cloakroom.
‘Poor old Christopher,’ said Rupert plaintively, ‘he was always slightly odd. Lugg always put it down to the fact that his father had been “dropped on ’is ’ead” when he was at Eton, but I don’t really believe any diagnosis which comes from the likes of Lugg. Still, some of the family had high hopes for Christopher at one time.’
‘So what happened?’
‘He went into public relations,’ Rupert said smartly, then turned his attention to the main doors, beyond which several well-dressed guests were being decanted from a large and stately Bentley.
‘The Earl of Pontisbright, unless I’m very much mistaken,’ observed Perdita. ‘We are duly honoured.’
‘We are, actually. Hal is rarely in the country these days.’
‘The woman is his daughter?’
‘Yes, Sophia Longfox and the juvenile lead at her side is her son Edward; he’ll be about seventeen now but he’ll still probably get put on the kids’ table with Cousin Christopher.’
‘Christopher? But he’s ancient! Well, you know what I mean; he’s old if he’s not quite ancient, like Lugg is ancient.’
‘Christopher was thirty-four last birthday,’ said Rupert grimly.
‘Good grief! Public relations must be harder than they say. And who’s that in the Rolls-Royce? I am so glad we left the Mini at home.’
‘That, my dear, is a genuine war hero; if you believe his autobiography, that is. Lord – and Lady – Carados; Johnny was a Spitfire ace and Pa helped him out of a spot of bother at the end of the war.’
Perdita’s eyebrows jumped to attention. ‘I have come to know just what “a spot of bother” means in your family. I do hope the oldies are not just going to sit around talking about the war.’
Rupert sighed. ‘I think that’s inevitable, given the guest list I saw. I was warned there would be an important German gentleman coming and an equally important Frenchwoman, both people Pa knew in the war, though I’m not sure whether we’re supposed to keep them well apart or not.’
‘Well, should we need a peacekeeper or a bit of law and order, then here’s the very man.’
Without having to check, Rupert knew to whom his wife referred and, sure enough, marching towards the hotel with the precision of a colour sergeant major showing a class of graduating officers how it should be done was the solid-oak figure of Commander Charles Luke of New Scotland Yard.
‘I’m surprised they let you in here, you old recidivist.’
‘Aw, come on, Charlie, draw it mild. You’re supposed to be off-duty and having a good time at this ’ere party. In fact, I’ve been delegated to make sure you ’ave a good time whether you want one or not.’
The hapless waiter Lugg had summoned with an imperious flick of his neck, as though heading home the winning goal at Wembley, offered the pair a tray of champagne cocktails and surrendered two glasses as though paying a ransom.
‘Well, I wouldn’t want you to strain yourself, Mr Lugg, so I’ll join in the fun and frivolities and start by wishing you the best of health.’
As the pair chinked glasses in a toast, Luke’s eyes scanned the room.
‘Checking for photographers?’ Lugg asked with a sly grin. ‘Wouldn’t look good in the News of the World on Sunday, would it, the star copper of New Scotland Yard sipping champagne with the lower classes at a society birthday bash?’
Luke peered down from his considerable height at Lugg’s already empty glass.
‘I’d hardly call that sipping,’ he said drily, ‘but in fact I was looking for the birthday boy.’
‘’Im an’ the boss lady is upstairs in the suite they’ve taken for the night. He’s having his nails done and she’s showing him how to tie his dicky bow so it doesn’t look like a bat’s flown into a mirror. He’ll be down shortly to soak up the applause and adoration and take stock of all his presents. Speaking of which, what did you get ’is nibs?’
‘What do you get the man who has everything?’ Luke asked rhetorically. ‘Especially when you know that if you asked him, he’d say that what he’d really like would be an electric train set or a Dan Dare annual, if they still do them. So we had a powwow down at the Yard, where there’s plenty think very highly of him and even wanted to chip in.’ Luke reached into the inside pocket of his dinner jacket and produced what appeared to be a fat sharkskin spectacles case. ‘In the end we got him these as a bit of a joke, from All At The Yard, as it’ll say on the card.’
Lugg took the case and opened it, then raised it closer to his bulging eyeballs. ‘Strewth! Silver bracelets!’
Instinctively Lugg recoiled from being in close proximity to a set of handcuffs, even if they were clearly made for decorative rather than custodial purposes, nestling in a presentation case on a bed of red velvet. But curiosity conquered instinct, and he brought the open case up to his nose, peering intently at the shining object nestling within.
‘I ’aven’t got my jeweller’s loupe with me, but that looks to me like the leopard’s-head silver hallmark for London, and the date letter looks like a little aitch, which would make them …’ his brow furrowed as he did some mental arithmetic, ‘… 1963, I reckon.’
‘You haven’t lost your touch,’ said Luke, taking back the case and closing it carefully. ‘They were commissioned in the Silver Vaults on Chancery Lane, but they were never collected. We had this theory that they were something to do with the Great Train Robbery, but when the silversmith’s customer never came to collect them – and had left a false name and address anyway – they eventually came on the market. We thought Albert might appreciate them.’
‘Oh, he will,’ said Lugg, swivelling smartly on his heels to relieve a passing waiter of two more cocktails. ‘They’ll take pride of place in his own personal Black Museum, right alongside Jack the Ripper’s second-best top hat and Rasputin’s beard-trimmer. And them’s two characters he personally brought to justice – if you believe the memoirs he’s never written.’
‘Now there’s a thought,’ said Luke, glancing casually – or as casually as a police detective ever could – around the room. ‘Why hasn’t Albert ever written his memoirs?’
‘He’s lazy,’ Lugg confided, leaning in conspiratorially. ‘Prefers to leave the hard graft to others; besides, you’ve heard some of the stories he tells. Who’d believe the half of it?’
‘Well, there’s plenty here tonight could tell a few tales about dear old Albert. There’s one for a start: old L. C. Corkran, unless my eyes deceive me. He must be even older than you.’
‘You be careful, Charlie Luke, or there’ll be no cake for you,’ growled Lugg, turning his head on its axis to follow Luke’s gaze towards the stooped, elderly man who was testing the red lobby carpet with a heavy-calibre walking stick – as though detecting mines – as he slowly approached them. ‘Mind you, Elsie is showing his age, right enough.’
All his friends, many of his acquaintances and the occasional past enemy, referred to Mr L. C. Corkran by the conflation of his initials into the deceptively twee nickname ‘Elsie’. The soubriquet belied a long, dutiful military career, which remained deliberately inglorious as most of it had been conducted under the shroud of what
was, perhaps too casually, referred to as ‘Security’. After one working life quietly defending the nation’s interests, Mr Corkran had, on reaching pensionable age, taken his retirement CBE and moved in to the private sector to protect and serve the international interests of Omega Oils. The work there had been equally discreet, and for the most part kept well out of the public eye, or at least off the financial pages of the press, and though it had not brought him any further honours or recognition, the financial rewards had been spectacularly greater than those of a civil servant of equal experience.
‘He’s out of the oil business, I believe,’ said Luke quietly. ‘Maybe second-retirement doesn’t agree with him. Some chaps can go downhill pretty fast when they’ve not got an office to go to every morning.’
‘’Specially if they’re bachelors and haven’t got a wife to find them jobs to keep them out of mischief,’ observed Lugg coldly.
The older man, still dapper, his white hair neatly trimmed to conform to army regulations, limped towards them slowly and carefully, then leaned heavily on his walking stick.