Gradually, Dani seemed to thaw, blinking and peering around at the commotion in our camp instead of out into nothingness. Her emotions went from nearly uncontainable to a steady stream of muted turmoil, and I knew we had Chris to thank for that.
While everyone bustled around camp, packing and readying the horses, I helped Dani change into her warmer clothes. After pulling her hair back into an unruly ponytail, I squeezed her shoulder. “I’ll be right back. I need to get dressed.”
Dani’s only response was a slight dip of her head, and with a final squeeze, I left her with Chris.
“Is she alright?” Becca asked as I unzipped our tent and stepped inside.
I shrugged and hurriedly dressed, tearing through my duffel in search of a pair of jeans and a clean, long-sleeved shirt. “She’ll be okay eventually, but right now, I just don’t want her to be alone.”
Becca offered me a sympathetic smile. “I’ll pack your stuff for you and ask Mase to help me load it. You should return to Dani.”
Beyond grateful, I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. “Thanks, Becca. That would be awesome.” I searched through my bag, vaguely aware of the fact that I was making a bigger mess for Becca to clean up, but desperate to find a hair tie.
“Here,” she said, handing me the one from around her wrist.
“Thanks,” I said and gathered my hair away from my face.
I unzipped the tent and stepped back outside. I found Dani and Jason having a stilted conversation by their tent, and I had to force myself to stop a few yards behind them so not to intrude.
“—should ride in the cart with Zoe,” Jason said.
I watched as Dani’s dulled, green eyes widened infinitesimally. “No,” she said quietly. “I’m fine.”
“Please, Dani,” he breathed. His back was to me, but I could hear the plea in his voice.
“No, Jason,” she said simply and ducked into their tent.
Rubbing the back of his neck, Jason turned around, glanced at me warily, then headed over to the horses, where Ben, Grayson, and Carlos were readying them.
I wasn’t comfortable with Dani riding Wings either, but I knew better than to argue with her about it. There had been a controlled sort of desperation in her even tone that I could feel bubbling beneath the surface. She wasn’t going to budge, regardless of anything anyone said.
I stepped inside her tent and helped her pack. We were mostly silent, saying no more to one another than was needed, but I hoped my presence offered her some sort of comfort all the same. As we finished folding, stuffing, and zipping, Chris came back to help Dani load her and Jason’s things into the covered wagon.
“Thank you, Zo,” Dani said, barely meeting my eyes.
I gave her a quick hug, and her self-loathing and despair felt more acute with the physical contact. I struggled to keep the emotion out of my voice. “Let me know if you need anything,” I said quietly.
Dani nodded and stared blankly ahead as Chris led her toward the wagon.
Unable to hold it in any longer, I strode away from the group and toward the stream to cry in privacy. I couldn’t help the emotions blaring in my mind, making me feel raw and unsettled.
The tears came willingly, the remnants of Dani’s emotional maelstrom nearly choking me as I sobbed and gasped for air. Her emotions were too much, and too many. Bracing myself against a tree beside the creek, I tried to steady myself, worried my legs might give out if I didn’t. How could she do it? Was this what life was like for everyone, a convoluted mess of unwanted memories and sorrow and pain that clung to them, following them around for the rest of their lives? How could Dani—how could anyone—hold it all in, live with so much wretchedness every day?
“Zoe?” I faintly registered Tavis’s voice amid my violent sobs. I didn’t bother trying to hide my distress. I knew it was pointless.
“Zoe, what’s wrong?” His bucket thudded to the ground, water sloshing over the rim, and he wrapped his arms around me.
“I can’t feel like this anymore,” I gasped, not knowing what else to say.
Mumbling reassurances, Tavis held me tightly against him. I lay my head on his shoulder, his arms a protective shelter around me, and I focused on the methodical drum of his heartbeat and the soothing motion of his hand rubbing circles on my back. It felt good to be in strong arms, to be held.
“I can’t do this anymore,” I bawled. “I…”
“Shhh…” Tavis whispered. “It’s okay…you’ll be okay.”
The crunch of debris underfoot alerted me to the approach of someone behind me, but I didn’t bother trying to collect myself. I didn’t care who saw me a blubbering mess.
“Tav?” Sam called out, and his footsteps ceased shortly after. “Zoe?”
“Is she alright?” Jake asked. Hearing the soft rumble of his voice, I slowly peeled my eyes open. I wished it were him holding me, but I didn’t move; my cowardice wouldn’t allow it.
“Do you want me to get Dani?” Sam asked, and I nearly cried harder at his thoughtfulness.
“No, thank you, Sam. I’ll be fine,” I managed. “I just need a minute.”
“I don’t mean to rush you,” Jake said. “But they’re waiting.” A moment later, I heard two sets of retreating footsteps.
Pulling away from Tavis, I wiped away the hair and tears that clung to my face. “I’m okay.”
“Are you sure?” Tavis asked. Until now, I’d been so lost in my emotional downpour that I hadn’t picked up on Tavis’s concern…and his other burgeoning feelings.
“Yeah, I’m fine,” I said, sobering and stepping further away from him. I didn’t want him to get the wrong impression. “Thank you, Tavis.” Using my sleeve, I wiped the moisture from my cheeks again before taking a few much-needed deep breaths. “We should go,” I said and abruptly started back toward camp.
As I tried to rally my morale, I scanned the caravan for Jake, but I didn’t see him. When I spotted Sam, who I was scheduled to drive the cart with today, sitting on horseback, I grew confused. The expression on my face must have indicated as much because Sam shrugged before shifting his attention to what I assumed was Tavis finally walking up behind me.
“I guess I’m driving alone today,” I said with more animation than I felt before climbing up into the cart. As I took a few more steadying breaths and tried to ignore the curious, watchful faces around me, I stared out at our now-abandoned camp. It amazed me that only an hour ago, the space had been our temporary home—the area cluttered with a rainbow of tents, people buzzing around and chatting comfortably. A nomadic lifestyle was all I’d ever known, making it feel normal to me, but everyone else seemed to have acclimated to it just as well as I had.
The cart creaked and shook as someone climbed up onto the bench seat beside me. “Hey,” Gabe said.
He’d been keeping his distance from me, like most people had been, so I was surprised to see him sitting only a few inches away. But my surprise was quickly overshadowed by the barrage of memories that flooded my mind. I saw Jake and Becca in some of them, and my interest piqued.
“Ah…I know that look,” he said, a line appearing between his eyebrows. “There are some matters I’d like to discuss with you, and I’d appreciate it if I could do so without you rifling through my memories.” He gave me a pointed look. “They’re private.”
My eyes widened. “It’s not intentional,” I said a little defensively. Although I understood why everyone felt uncomfortable around me, that didn’t make it less frustrating. “But, of course, I’ll try.”
Gabe dipped his head in gratitude. “That’s all I ask…and that if you accidentally see something, you’ll keep it to yourself.” His eyes bored into me, a silent demand.
I gave him a quick nod to reassure him and lifted the reins, commanding the cart horses, Clyde and Percy, into motion. With a jerk, the cart creaked and began to roll forward. “I guess that makes us riding buddies for the day,” I said, thinking it was going to be an interesting ride.
“Indeed.”
He was quiet for a moment. “There have been some new developments”—he shot me a sideways glance—“that could prove very relevant to your current situation.”
Intrigued, I looked away from the stretch of highway in front of our caravan and up at his knowing blue eyes. “Developments?”
He nodded. “Of course, the last thing I want is to get your hopes up only to fail miserably, but…” He drew the word out, increasing my curiosity. “We don’t really have a choice. You’re an integral part of the hypothesis I’ll be testing…and more or less the reason I’ll be testing it.” He leaned in a little closer and whispered, “So let’s hope I don’t fail.”
I couldn’t help but smile as I resituated myself on the padded bench so my knees were angled toward him, anxiously awaiting his explanation. “Fail…just what every test subject wants to hear.” The cart creaked and swayed beneath us. “So, are you going to tell me what it is we’re testing, or am I just supposed to comply and hope for the best?”
“Oh, right—I may have found a way for you to regain access to your memory.”
My heart skipped several beats, and I opened my mouth to unleash a barrage of questions.
Gabe held up a hand, cutting me off before I could ask any of them. “But we won’t know anything until we get a chance to try a few things out. It’s far from a sure thing.”
It’s far from a sure thing. I understood that, but I couldn’t help the hope his words summoned. At first, we’d all hoped that my memory would eventually come back, but after weeks of waiting, I’d begun to assume that who I was now was who I would always be. Suddenly, the day—my future—seemed a little bit brighter.
“How…what do we need to do?”
“I won’t bore you with all the neurology babble,” he said with a kind smile. “Basically, we’re going to immerse your mind in an electric field and slowly increase the intensity while Chris keeps an eye on how the, uh, treatment is stimulating the memory centers in your brain.”
“An electric field? Is it going to hurt?” I wasn’t sure I cared so much, as long as I could be me again. Once more, hope swelled inside me. Everything would be so much easier…
Gabe’s smile returned, but this time, it had a distinctly apologetic edge. “At the lowest intensity it’ll feel odd—sort of tingly and fuzzy—but as we increase the intensity, it could become quite painful.”
Given that there was no electricity to make such a process possible, I knew it was ridiculous, but I couldn’t help the image my mind conjured—me, hooked up to a horrifying contraption with electrodes stuck all over my body. I cringed. “And how exactly are you going to create this electric field?”
“You’re aware that Carlos has some control over electricity?” When I nodded, Gabe continued. “He’s recently developed the ability to create and manipulate an electric charge with enough precision that he can actually surround anything—a stick, a house, a person, your brain—with an electric field.” The side of his mouth tensed. “We just have to work on his control a bit, make sure he doesn’t accidentally fry any of us…”
I took a steadying breath. “I see.” I sat there a moment, wading through the dozens of questions I wanted answers to. “I know you’re smart and this sort of thing is your specialty, but I have to ask—what makes you think it will even work?”
Gabe glanced over his shoulder, and I followed his line of sight to Camille, who was riding in the wagon with Sarah. “There’s a marked correlation between Camille regaining memories of her former life and her extensive exposure to electric fields, so it’s not too great of a leap to hypothesize that the same result would occur in a non-Re-gen mind. I’ve spoken to Wes—”
“Wait, you talked to Dr. Wesley—my mom?” It took me a moment to remember that Gabe could visit people in their dreams.
Gabe shut his mouth and stared at me for a few seconds. “I forget sometimes…that you’re her daughter.” He raised one shoulder. “How it’s possible for me to forget is beyond me, considering the resemblance, but…somehow I do.”
“So, she thinks it will work, too?”
“She agrees that if Chris monitors the neurological response and guides Carlos to direct the point charge…” He shook his head. “The point is—Wes agrees that with Chris and Carlos working together, we might have a shot.” He shrugged. “And we’ll at least be able to tell fairly quickly whether or not this ‘treatment’ will even work on you. And, even if it doesn’t restore your memories, at least it should increase your Ability enough that you’ll have better control over it.”
It was clear Gabe’s “might” served as another warning that failure could be a likely outcome, but I was stuck on the fact that it also might work. Optimism and elation trumped my apprehension that Gabe’s theory wouldn’t work.
“Have you already talked to Chris and Carlos? Are they willing to try?”
“Yep,” he said.
My mind reeled with gratitude, hope, and fear. I glanced at Gabe, who was leaning forward with his elbows on his knees as he stared out ahead.
“Thank you,” I said. “When the transfusion didn’t work, I sorta lost hope…” I cleared my throat, trying to rid my voice of unwanted emotion. “You have no idea what this means to me. I—I know it may not work, but the fact that you’re going to try, that you care even a little, means a lot to me.”
Gabe nodded.
“And…” I was torn to say the next words. “I don’t think we should tell anyone, not until we know if it’s really even possible.”
Gabe glanced at me again, eyebrows raised.
“I wouldn’t want anyone to get their hopes up and then have it not work…” I pictured the look of disappointment on Dani’s and Jason’s faces, then on Jake’s. I would be disappointed enough; I didn’t want to have to feel their disappointment as well.
With a curt nod, Gabe turned his attention back to the road.
For a few minutes we sat there, the sound of distant chatter, clomping horse hooves against the asphalt, and the creaking wagon and cart filling our silence. We were both lost in thought, which was a bad thing; with his mind wandering while he was sitting so close to me, it was difficult to prevent myself from seeing too much. It was going to be a long ride, and if I was going to honor his request to stay out of his head, I needed to keep myself busy.
I cleared my throat. “Can I ask you something?”
“Hmmm…?”
“What’s she like?”
“Who?” Gabe asked absently.
I swallowed, uncertain he would want to talk about her. “My…my mom.”
Gabe looked at me, his eyebrows raised. His mouth curved in a thoughtful frown, and he straightened, extending his arms over his head and arching his back in a stretch. After a deep breath, he settled back in the bench seat. “Wes is…” He scanned the way ahead. “To say she’s complicated would be an understatement. I worked fairly closely with her for a few years, but sometimes I still think I barely know her.” He shook his head. “I’ve never met somebody with as many secrets as her. How she manages to juggle them all without falling flat on her face is beyond me.”
“I’m assuming Jason and I were one of her secrets…”
“Ah…no. At least, not one of the secrets she kept from me.” He laughed wryly. “When I first figured out the Virus’s origins—her, essentially—I was not happy.” With a meaningful look, he said, “We had words. But, when I found out the reason she’d done it, the reason she’d worked so diligently to help Herodson with his ‘Great Transformation’…” For a long moment, he simply stared out at the road in front of us and shook his head. “I couldn’t really blame her. I can’t say I’d have done the same thing in her place, but I also can’t say I wouldn’t have.”
I wondered what my reaction to the truth about her and the Virus would’ve been a month ago. “It’s difficult to wrap my mind around it,” I thought aloud. “She did all of this…for us.” And Jason still doesn’t know.
Gabe nodded. “Which tells you quite a bit about
her right there. She’s protective of those she loves, and arguably loyal to a fault.” He smiled, the corners of his eyes crinkling the barest amount. “She’s the most intelligent person I’ve ever met, and more than a little uptight—the woman can’t take a joke to save her life.” He rolled his eyes. “But considering everything Herodson’s put her through, it’s impressive that she can even manage a smile now and again.”
I remembered her kindness the night she found me with Clara, and it upset me to think what the General might’ve done to her, especially as I recalled how he’d tortured Becca, Mase, Camille, Dani… “Is he unkind to her?” I asked tentatively.
Gabe eyed me, his expression guarded. “If you consider forcing her to play house for two decades, forcing her to pretend to love him, unkind, then yeah”—he laughed bitterly—“he’s unkind to her.” Gabe’s coiling hatred settled in the pit of my stomach, and after a moment, he added, “Maybe it wouldn’t seem so bad if his mind control actually worked on her and she was blissfully unaware…” He sighed. “But she’s not.”
I still had questions, tons of them, but I wasn’t sure I was ready for the answers, so I kept them to myself. We rode in affable silence for a while, my thoughts lingering on the possibility that soon I might have all my memories back.
14
JAKE
APRIL 28, 1AE
Humboldt-Toiyabe National Forest, Nevada
Unwilling to mill around by the campfire, watching Tavis and Zoe act like lifelong friends or more, Jake decided to walk the perimeter of their camp in the hopes of clearing his head. With Cooper tagging along, Jake made his way down to a small, stagnant pond in a gulch that dipped below their camp. The further away he drew from the sound of everyone meandering around camp with routine and purpose, the clearer the truth became. Jake knew he’d been grasping at straws, trying to hold onto something—to someone—that hadn’t been his for weeks.
The headway he’d been making with Zoe simply wasn’t enough. She’d needed a shoulder to cry on after Dani’s breakdown, and she’d gone to Tavis. But if he was being honest with himself, things with Zoe had been strained since the moment they’d found her in her altered state. It seemed like every time they were alone together, she would pull away from him, just like she’d done on the ledge overlooking the canyon…just like she’d done the night of the rainstorm.
The Ending Series: The Complete Series Page 102