At the sound of a dull thump behind me, I glanced over my shoulder to find Jake loading two large bags of dog food into the cart.
“Is that the last of it?” I asked. It was his ninth trip to the cart, and I wasn’t sure how much more we could really carry.
Jake grunted. “Close, I hope. They’re picking out a pair of chaps to take back to Harper.”
I pouted my bottom lip. “And they didn’t invite me?”
Wiping his hands off on his jeans, Jake walked toward me, a heart-stopping smile curving his lips. I liked the appraising way he studied me now—my old boots donned, my tank top and jeans, my new haircut. He acted like he was still trying to get used to me being back to me, even though it had been a couple weeks.
“It’s going to be a beautiful sunset tonight,” I said, trying to stay in the moment.
“Yeah?” Jake came around behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist.
“You smell like a barn,” I said, wiping away the loose alfalfa flakes and grain dust from his arms.
He squeezed me more tightly. “Is that good or bad?” It was so wonderful to feel him again…not the Jake who’d accepted the other me and loved me the best he could, but my Jake.
“Oh, it’s good,” I said, a devious lilt to my voice. I craned my neck so I could see him.
“You’re so weird.”
I shrugged. “I can’t help it. It’s true. It’s nostalgic, I think…it reminds me of when we were back at the ghost town.” I eyed him, waiting for the memory of the morning we first made love to click into place in his mind.
Shaking his head, he let out a soft chuckle.
“Wanna sit down and watch the sun sink behind the hills with me?” I asked.
His amber eyes met mine again. They looked molten in the dying sunlight. He grinned wryly. “Aren’t you supposed to be working?”
“Ha. Ha. You’re so funny. I can do two things at once, you know. Watching a sunset isn’t overly exerting.”
“Only two things, huh?” His smile broadened. “Can you do more than two things at once?” he asked, his voice holding a seductive edge that made it impossible not to smile back. He kissed the side of my neck.
“I’m determined to,” I said, closing my eyes and wishing we could be alone for a few hours. “Ky will feel anything I miss…” I lost my train of thought as Jake brushed my hair away from the back of my neck, trailing his lips up and down my skin, bringing chills to its surface. I felt him smile against my neck, and I shivered.
“I wouldn’t want to risk your spot on the scavenging team,” he said with feigned seriousness. “You’re in a probation period right now, and you’re already failing miserably.”
I barked a laugh. “Entrapment, huh?” Prying his hands from around me, I stepped away and turned to face him completely. Jake’s response was a mere wink, and I shook my head. “You’re a horrible tease,” I said and dropped his hands.
Entwining my fingers with Jake’s, I plopped down against one of the tree trunks, tugging him down with me. Only, he resisted.
I looked up at him. “You joining me?” I asked, tucking my hair behind my ear.
He raised an eyebrow and gave me a sidelong glance. “You’re gonna get me fired from the scavenging team. I’m supposed to be working.”
I rolled my eyes. “Doing what? Shopping for chaps to wear with Harper?” I let out a tiny laugh at the thought. “We can enjoy a sunset while they’re doing that. Besides…” I patted the space next to me. “We can consider this research.”
“Research?” he asked, lowering himself down beside me. The scent of him filled my senses again, leather and hay and something minty.
“We can experiment,” I said, letting my voice drop to a seductive purr.
Jake positioned himself behind me, leaning back against the tree trunk and urging me to rest against him.
With one of his arms across my middle and the other draped casually over his bent knee, I twisted around to see the face that made my insides burn with welcomed desire. “We can test the multitasking facet of my Ability…see how much I can exert myself while staying focused and alert.”
He chuckled, a low, easy sound that made it impossible not to swoon. It was so good to hear him laugh.
“You don’t think so?” I let out a soft chuckle of my own and leaned back against him again.
“I think it’s a great idea…when we don’t have an audience.”
“If you say so,” I said, only partially dejected. “Maybe next time.” There was something thrilling about flirting with Jake. He was so strong and serious most of the time that goading him was like tempting a lion; beneath his rugged beauty was a physical prowess and hunger that made him dangerously alluring.
Refocusing on the lowering sun, I marveled at the bright orange already streaking across the sky, at the clouds cast in a rosy hue. “Look at that,” I said, gazing up at the frosted sky that looked good enough to eat. “I couldn’t sketch something so beautiful if I tried.”
I rested my head back against his shoulder, losing myself in the sound of his deep, even breathing and the strong, thrumming bass of his heartbeat. I sighed in contentment and closed my eyes.
Jake lowered his lips to my ear. “What are you thinking about?” he whispered. Before I could answer, his mouth gently brushed the side of my neck again, sending another wave of shivers rushing over my skin.
“Is that so,” he said, his voice light with amusement.
I could never get tired of this… Opening my eyes briefly, I saw the sky was glowing poppy red, and I closed them again.
“You’re tired.” Tenderly, Jake brushed a stray wisp of hair from my face.
I yawned in answer, and snuggled up closer to him.
Abruptly, his body tensed against me, and I opened my eyes to peer up at him.
“Is it the dreams?” he asked.
Righting myself, I let out a dallying breath and glanced around at the parking lot—the blackbirds had gone for the night, and Chris and Ky were still inside, Chris’s laughter carrying on the light breeze. “I’m fine. It’s just taking some time to acclimate, I think.”
Jake remained quiet, thoughtful, which meant he didn’t buy it. He knew about my dreams about my mom; he’d been the one to comfort me almost every night since my memory returned, despite his own feelings about her.
The longer Jake was quiet, leaving me with only the slightly increased thumping of his heart against my palm flattened on his chest, the more desperate and terrified I was to know what he was thinking. But I didn’t pry…I didn’t peek. I already knew how he felt, and as much as I could understand his resentment toward my mom, I couldn’t bear feeling it.
Finally, he broke the silence. “We haven’t talked about anything since your memory’s come back.” His fingers brushed the exposed skin on my arm.
Lifting my palm from his chest, I studied the dirt on both of my hands, uncertain what to say. Every topic would lead back to my mom, back to more reasons for him to hate her.
“We need to,” he said, a hint of frustration in his voice. “Something’s upsetting you…is it her?”
Sitting up, I turned to face him. “The shit I’m going through now is nothing you can help me with. I’m sorry, Jake, but it’s…it’s complicated.”
“Your mom…” He frowned. “I know—”
“I can’t hate her Jake, she’s my mom. I’ve barely even talked to her…”
Jake’s eyebrows drew together, and he leaned forward, his muscles straining as he pivoted me completely around to face him. “You’d be surprised how easy it is.” For a brief moment I saw the images of his own mother, a woman with a classic beauty that was washed out by years of drug use.
Jake’s features relaxed, and his eyes turned pleading. “But I don’t expect you to, Zoe. I know what it means to you to have her back.”
Of its own accord, my mind opened itself to his, searching for the truth in his words.
“But you hate her,” I said hollowly.
/> Jake didn’t have to say anything, I already knew it was true.
“What happens if I can’t hate her for what she did?” I asked, bitterness riddling my voice…bitterness at my mom for putting me in this fucking situation, and bitterness with myself for seeking what, deep down, I knew I would never have: a real mom. “What if I never can?” I’d finally asked him the single most important question I’d been obsessing over for the past week, but I didn’t avert my gaze, and I didn’t close myself off from him. I needed to feel the truth, to know if things were going to change between us because of her.
Our faces only inches apart, Jake asked me very softly, “What are you afraid of?”
A dark, loitering doubt harbored in my heart refused to go away.
“That I’ll leave? That I’ll resent you? Why can’t you trust me—us?” His voice was gentler than I’d expected.
“Is it so hard to believe that I would worry about you resenting me because of who I am? What happens if I forgive her? What happens if I want her to be in my life?”
Jake shook his head. “That won’t happen.”
“And how do you know?”
“You could never truly forgive her, not after what she’s done to you, to your family,” he said. “I know you’re scared, this is all new and confusing for you…I get that. But you won’t forgive her. You won’t choose her.”
“You don’t know that.”
Jake leaned back against the tree, his body rigid and a scowl on his face. “I know you. You won’t risk everyone you love, everyone who’s been there for you, for her.” He paused. “You won’t risk Dani.” Slowly, his arms wrapped around me, and he pulled me into him. “I’m in this with you. We’ll figure it out as we go.”
His tone was so adamant, his gaze so determined, that I could only trust him, trust my heart, despite the difficulties I knew lay in store for me…for us. Allowing my hope to bloom into a small smile, I shrugged. “You’re probably right, but I won’t know for sure until after tonight.”
In the shadows of the dusk light, I watched Jake’s eyebrows draw together. “What’s tonight?”
I hesitated. “Gabe’s taking me to talk to her.”
~~~~~
“So,” Gabe said, standing in front of me on the same stretch of beach he’d constructed the last time he’d entered my dreams, before Dani, Jason, and the others had joined us outside Cañon City. “Is it all you expected and more?” He glanced around at the dream world surrounding us.
I smiled nervously, my emotions a dangerous mixture that had me second-guessing my decision to do this. “At least there’s no unnerving replica of Dani sitting beside me this time.”
Gabe laughed. “I forgot about that. You didn’t like my Dani avatar?”
I shook my head.
Gabe waited for a moment, no doubt giving me time to change my mind and go back to dreams that didn’t include meeting my mom for the first time while I was actually me.
Finally, he said, “Are you ready?”
Taking a deep breath, I shrugged. I’d come too far to change my mind when I was so close. “Ready as I’ll ever be.”
He smirked. “I’ve heard you say that before,” he muttered. “Let’s go find her.”
Reaching out, I touched Gabe’s arm. “Hey, Gabe?”
He stilled mid-step, glanced down at where my hand rested on his arm, then at me.
“Thank you for doing this.”
Gabe smiled. “Say my name when you’re ready, and we’ll try to visit some of the members of the Bodega Bay Town Council before we call it a night.”
I nodded, and the next thing I knew, it was late afternoon, and I was standing in my backyard at my childhood home in Bodega Bay. A young Jason swung in the tire swing hanging from the cypress tree next to the deck. The sight made my chest tighten. There were so many memories in that house, so much loneliness.
I watched as Jason swung lazily back and forth, oblivious to me standing there. He was a pretty cute kid for being such a butthead, and part of me thought I could see a little bit of my dad in him at that age, something I’d never really picked up on before.
But as strange as it was to be home and to be watching my brother as a small child, it wasn’t true to life, making it more disturbing than nostalgic. The difference was that my dad was standing behind Jason, playing the role of the attentive father spending time with his son in the yard after a day spent in his woodshop. His work clothes looked true to life, and the tousled, light brown hair he’d always run his fingers through was appropriate. But Dad standing with Jason while he played in the yard was unlikely. If anything, Jason often went to the tire swing to get away from Dad—at least he had in his later years.
Scanning the rest of the yard, I froze.
I’d tried to prepare myself to see her, but my heart still thudded in my chest when I saw my mom sitting on the edge of the deck. She wore dark slacks and a white button-down shirt as if she had just come home from work herself. She was watching my dad and Jason so intently, with such longing, I felt it bleeding my soul.
Unlike the single photograph I had of her, she appeared tired, her eyes devoid of the peaceful glow that I knew once filled them.
Like she could suddenly feel my greedy stare devouring the sight of her, she scanned the breadth of the yard until she found me.
Remembering the emotional woman who’d saved me in the golf course, I’d expected her expression to give something away, to show some sign of the emotions that had filled her eyes but that I hadn’t been able to understand at the time. But now, her expression was surprisingly blank.
Slowly, she rose to her feet and took a half a dozen steps toward me, her eyes holding mine the entire time. She stopped a few feet away.
I tried to think about what I wanted to say to her. I had a hundred questions, each of which I was scared to learn the answers to: Does some small part of her love the General at all? Did she ever try to come back to us? Does she regret everything she’s done? Will Jason and I ever be safe? Does she love Peter more than us?
“Zoe,” she said quietly in greeting. “You seem…better.”
I nodded absently but wondered exactly what that meant. Better? Than when—the last time she saw me?
“Are you alright?”
I looked up at her, and the weight of my trepidation, curiosity, longing, and confusion surged to life, nearly overwhelming me to the point of speechlessness. Just looking at her made me want to cry. I swallowed thickly. “I can’t believe I’m standing next to you…after all this time…”
Her face softened, and she offered me a weak smile.
I stared into her piercing blue-green eyes and wanted so badly to know what she was thinking, to know what she was feeling, to know that my presence affected her more than the guarded expression on her face allowed her to show, but my Ability didn’t work inside the dream world.
After studying me in return, she made a sweeping gesture toward the back deck. “Do you want to sit down?”
With only a couple feet that felt like a mile between us, we started toward the steps of the deck.
“I like the new haircut,” she said, her voice lighter than I’d expected.
“Thanks.” It was an automatic response. “I needed a change.”
“I can imagine.”
I knew I’d caught her off guard by showing up in her dream, but I’d expected our first real conversation would include more than idle chatter about my hair. Maybe some tears or an embrace, but she was composed and hesitant.
Slowly, she climbed to the top step and sat down. She clasped her hands together and rested them on her knee like we were two strangers having an uncomfortable conversation. We were two strangers, but she was also my mom, and I was her daughter.
I sat on the second-to-last step and leaned against the railing. “I didn’t know it could feel worse,” I thought aloud.
She straightened as if she were bracing herself for a verbal lashing. “That what could feel worse?” she asked tentatively
.
“The loneliness.”
Her brow tensed. “I don’t pretend to know what you’ve gone through,” she said a bit tenderly. “But I’m glad you came.”
I felt a rekindle of hope. “You are?”
She nodded. “I assumed that once your memory returned and you truly understood everything I’ve done, well, I suppose I assumed you would never want to see me again. So you can imagine my surprise.”
“But you’re my mom,” I said a little breathily. “I’ve wanted to know you my entire life.” As I sat there with sweating palms and a racing heart, she appeared mostly unaffected, and I realized she was right—she had no idea what I’d gone through without her, how I felt now sitting only feet from her.
Needing to look away, to grasp onto my thoughts and feelings before I lost myself to them completely, I stared down at the vibrant redwood slats beneath me. Her version of the yard, her version of my family, was so much different than I remembered it. “The backyard doesn’t really look like this anymore,” I said.
“No?”
I shook my head, picking diligently at a blemish in the wood grain. “The deck’s sun-bleached now and rotting in some spots. When Jason left for the Army, Dad sort of stopped taking care of the place.”
Remembering one particular night of clandestine adventures with Dani, I leaned back and over the length of the step above me, searching the railing for a part of my past.
“What are you doing?” she asked, sounding genuinely curious.
When I didn’t see anything but smooth wood, I sighed, unsure why I’d expected one of my memories to be reflected in her dream. “Dani and I carved our initials in this support post one day.” I laughed softly, bitterly. “Dad pretended to be upset, but I knew he didn’t really care. He didn’t care much about anything…”
“I didn’t realize he would take my leaving the way he did,” she said. “If I would have known—”
“You wouldn’t have left?”
She looked down to her hands, avoiding my gaze.
“Would you still have left us if you knew Dad was going to be such a wreck?”
Straightening minimally, she gave me a brief nod. “I didn’t have a choice, Zoe.” Her voice was low, but pleading.
The Ending Series: The Complete Series Page 115