“Did you guys win?”
“Yeah, 27–24,” Zurich said proudly.
“That’s great! Congratulations,” Sean said.
“Aren’t you going to invite me in?” Zurich said.
“Huh?”
“May I come in?” Zurich asked as he gestured to the building and pulled his coat closer in, as if he were cold.
“Oh, sure,” Sean said as he hurried to pull open the door, and Zurich followed him in.
“How long have you been standing out there?” Sean asked.
“About thirty minutes. I got here about five o’clock, and I checked into the Crowne Plaza over near Times Square,” Zurich said. Sean started to ask why he wasn’t staying with Basil, but the new Sean wasn’t bitter.
When they reached Sean’s apartment, he looked at Zurich and said, “I’m in shock. I can’t believe you’re here.”
“I felt we left some things unsettled. I mean, you left Chicago so quickly and wouldn’t return my calls. So I had to come to you,” Zurich said. He wanted Sean to realize how much he meant to him.
“But on Christmas? What about your family?”
“I’m going home tomorrow. MamaCee is down in Tampa. Can you believe she caught another plane? I spoke with her and my father this morning and they understood when I told them I had something real important to take care of,” Zurich said. Sean wondered what could be so important that he had to fly to New York on Christmas Day to discuss. Sean took Zurich’s coat and hung it in his small closet. When he turned around, Zurich was standing very close to him with a big smile on his face. He had on a red turtleneck and blue jean overalls. He looked cool and sexy. He had a thin shadow of hair on his head and a day’s growth of hair on his face.
“Gimme some love?” he said as he opened his arms toward Sean, who hesitated. After a moment of awkwardness, he said “Sure,” and Zurich held him tightly in a powerful embrace of muscle.
After an endless moment, Sean pulled back from the hip-hop hug and looked at Zurich. Silence connected them. They felt each other’s presence without touching. Finally, Sean said, “Come on, Zurich, tell me what this is about. What are you doing in New York?”
Zurich looked at Sean and said “Well, where should I start?” as he took a seat on the sofa.
“It’s on you, Zurich,” Sean said as he sat down next to him.
Zurich began to talk slowly, telling Sean about his discovery that Basil was not the dreamboy he had hoped. He told him how Basil’s constant disrespect for women and gay bashing soured their alliance before it had even started. Zurich confessed that he had decided that if he was going to have a relationship with a man, it would be with someone who knew who he was and what he wanted. When he made that statement, Sean stopped him and asked, “Do you know who you are and what you want, Zurich?”
“Yes,” he said firmly.
“And what is that?”
“I want a loving relationship with someone who I can talk to. A relationship that’s God blessed and God honored. Somebody I can trust my deepest feeling with. Someone who will share my successes and my disappointments. I want somebody who will be patient with me when I’m slow. I want a friend. Someone like you,” Zurich said.
“Are you saying you’re gay? Because that’s what I am. I’m not interested in having an intimate relationship with someone who’s not like me. A proud, black, gay man. I don’t mean the person has to be leading the Gay Pride parade, but he has to be honest with himself and with me. He has to know that being gay is more than having sex with each other,” Sean said.
Zurich licked his lips and moved his eyes downward, and then looked up at Sean. “It’s hard to accept I’m gay, Sean. But it very well may be my reality. What I do know is that I have strong sexual attraction toward men. I had those feelings with Basil. But that was just about lust. I’m interested in more. I want a complete relationship, with someone I like and am sexually attracted to. Someone like you,” he repeated.
Sean couldn’t believe his ears. Had Zurich said someone like him? For an instant he wanted to say, You can’t want me. I’m not good enough, fine enough, for you. But that was the old Sean’s negative thinking, so the new Sean spoke. “Well, I’m not looking for a quick trick. I’ve made a decision that the next time I sleep with someone, it’s going to be with someone I love. I like what you said about a relationship being God blessed and God honored. I have very strong feelings for you. I have since our first conversation. But I’m not in love with you. At least not yet,” Sean said. Sean knew his statement wasn’t totally true. He did love Zurich, but he was afraid of revealing too much in case this was all a dream. He was afraid of being hurt again, yet found it impossible not to believe Zurich.
“I know. I’m just sorry I didn’t realize sooner that you care so much for me. I don’t know if I’m in love with you, but I think I could be. I do already love you as a friend. I think it could grow into more. That is, if you’re willing to give me a chance,” Zurich said softly. After his statement, Zurich felt a wall inside him collapse; all the years of holding himself taut, protecting himself from the possible hurt and the rejection Zach had faced, were gone.
Zurich turned to Sean and began to gently brush his eyebrows with his fingers. Sean couldn’t recall anyone ever touching him there and so he asked Zurich what he was doing. Zurich smiled and said, “Because this is like kissing you.” Sean closed his eyes and enjoyed Zurich’s touch.
Zurich and Sean talked long past midnight. Zurich suggested that the two of them rent a car and drive to Atlanta and then on to Florida. Both agreed the long trip would give them a chance to get to know each other. They talked about the obstacles that faced them, about the fact that neither of them was prepared to leave the homophobic confines of professional sports. They agreed to give a relationship a chance. They would start slow, building on their friendship, so that no matter what happened, they would have a friendship. They made a commitment to always tell the truth about their feelings, to not hold things inside. They said that faith, not organized religion, would be first and foremost in their relationship. They would use their faith to empower them, not as a tool for guilt.
Zurich and Sean sat on the sofa for a time, silent. They weren’t touching, but there was an energy between them, like an electrical charge. Then, without any notice, Zurich placed his large hand over Sean’s hand. The suddenness of his move made Sean flinch. But the contact with his body was warm, like the sensual drive of jazz music. Sean looked at Zurich with a smile of complete understanding, and Zurich returned his smile. With dawn a few hours away, Zurich asked Sean if he could spend the night and Sean said yes.
He pulled out his sofa and they undressed in silence in opposite corners of the room. When Sean saw Zurich standing before him bare-chested in white Calvin Klein underwear, he thought, If I can make it through this night without lust taking control, then we’ve got it made. True love had a chance.
They exchanged a smile as they pulled back the covers, and Zurich got in on the left side of the bed. Sean looked at him and asked if music would bother him and Zurich said, “No.” Before climbing into bed, Sean turned his radio to Wendy Williams on Hot97, who was in her usual perky mood, singing along with Donny Hathaway’s “This Christmas.” Sean slipped in beside Zurich and placed him inside his arms, their legs twisted together. Zurich’s body felt warm, his skin smooth over heavy muscle. Sean whispered in Zurich’s ear, “Thank you.”
Zurich turned to face Sean and smiled and said, “Night, Blackman. Merry Christmas.” He pulled Sean close to him and said, “I’m not that good at this,” and then he kissed him.
EPILOGUE
Zurich discovered passion was like a river, it had to go somewhere. Tamela learned that secrets were like seasons, they changed. Sean discovered when religion doesn’t work, faith will. Mia learned that demons can be destroyed one day at a time. MamaCee already knew. All you had to do was listen.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
E. Lynn Harris is a former IBM computer sa
les executive and a graduate of the University of Arkansas at Fayetteville. He is the author of eight novels: A Love of My Own, Any Way the Wind Blows, Not a Day Goes By, Abide with Me, If This World Were Mine, And This Too Shall Pass, Just As I Am, and Invisible Life.
In 2004, Not a Day Goes By was made into a nationally touring theatrical production. In 1996, 2002, and 2003, Just As I Am, Any Way the Wind Blows, and A Love of My Own were named Novel of the Year by the Blackboard African American Bestsellers, Inc. If This World Were Mine, Abide with Me, Any Way the Wind Blows, and A Love of My Own were nominated for NAACP Image Awards. If This World Were Mine won the James Baldwin Award for Literary Excellence. Harris was named one of the fifty-five “Most Intriguing African Americans” by Ebony for four consecutive years, including 2003. In 2002, Harris was included in Savoy magazine’s “100 Leaders and Heroes in Black America.” He was inducted into the Arkansas Black Hall of Fame in 2000. Harris divides his time between Atlanta, Georgia, and Fayetteville, Arkansas, where he is currently Writer in Residence at the University of Arkansas and has served as advisor and cheer coach for the Razorback cheerleaders.
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