by Lila Felix
The redness in her cheeks grew to a flame.
“Well, then you come up with something else, oh righteous one, because I’m not eating another spoonful of soup. Deal with it.”
That was rude, I but was hangry.
If she wouldn’t give me what I really wanted, the least she could do was feed me a decent meal.
It wasn’t like I could drive.
“I’ll drive up there and get them if you’re going to be a jerk about it.”
“I am.”
“Fine.”
We didn’t speak much for the rest of the day. I tried like hell to hide the quaking in my body that had moved from just my hands to my torso and in some moments, it was as though my intestines themselves were rattling with nervous energy.
Even my intestines wanted a drink.
I tried to rationalize it as I conjured up a stupid speech in my head, sitting on the swing that overlooked the lake.
It would calm me down.
Just one beer would make all of these symptoms go away.
It would be better than every noise making me jump three feet in the air.
Holding onto one drink would be better than trying to hold onto you–you won’t stay–the alcohol is always there for me.
The vodka doesn’t run.
There’s always more whiskey to soothe me.
At least they are reliable.
She wouldn’t fall for it, of course. All of that speech making was in vain.
I’d only gone a few days without a drink and already I was making plans on how to make her leave so I could get another one.
The water was still for a while. The wind whipped through the boughs of the pine trees above me, and I focused on them as much as I could. I closed my eyes and tried to breathe in and out in sync with the waves that consistently hit the sandy edges.
It was all too silent.
I smiled at the thought that it was almost as silent as when I had a few drinks in me.
Some days silence was the only solace I could find.
And in that solace is where I heard the retching.
Loud and clear, I heard Molly inside the cabin heaving and gagging worse than I did the night after a good time at the bar.
I jumped off the swing and ran in but the door was closed.
“You’re not okay, Molly.” I grouched through the door. It wasn’t a question. I wasn’t asking her any more questions just to get lied to.
She wasn’t okay.
Something was very wrong.
“I’m fine. Really.”
I pounded on the door with a closed fist. “You’re not fine. The least you can do is tell me the truth. You never used to lie to me–ever.”
“Hold on.” A few more coughs were followed by the running water and the sounds of her brushing her teeth.
When she opened the door, she looked more like the ghost of Molly than an actual human.
“What’s going on, Molly. And don’t even think about lying to me again. Just say it.”
“I’m sick, okay? Happy?”
She brushed past me, her rail-thin body sliding against mine. Every cell in my body awoke.
I hated all of this alive crap. I didn’t feel alive even when I was awake and breathing. I felt like a shell of someone who was once a good soldier, a good son, and a good husband.
What was left was just like one of those chocolate Easter bunnies–hollow on the inside.
“Why did you come here? You should be in a hospital or something.”
“Something.” She grunted back.
“Why?” I demanded, involuntarily raising my voice.
“How could I not, Lars? You needed someone to help you.”
I got closer to her. She was facing the window, shaking like I had been earlier.
“Jameson could’ve helped me. My family. Anyone. Anyone but you.”
She laughed a little. “They’re tired. They’ve been helping you. You don’t even know how much.”
“Tell me why you.”
“I just had to. If you needed help, if you needed someone, if you were hurting yourself. How could I not?”
There was something in her voice. The lilt in which she said the words.
She still cared for me?
That couldn’t be.
People who cared for each other didn’t leave.
They stayed.
People who loved you stuck around, right?
“How sick are you?”
“Sick enough to throw up every once in a while. Can we just let it go?”
All of those feelings she had revived in me–I hated them all. They had me wanting to cross the room and pull her into my arms for what she was doing. Because no matter what my body was telling me, no matter how many times it told me to run to the closest liquor store, no matter how many times it told me to drown myself or shoot myself or hang myself, my heart was telling me that what she was doing was the best thing for me.
It was what I had needed all along.
She was what I needed all along.
And darn it all if I didn’t listen.
It took three steps to get to her.
By the third step, my arms were already around her waist. She melted into me like she was waiting for someone to hold her upright.
I would be that someone–even if it was just for a little while.
Even if she left me all over again.
“I’m sorry you’re sick. I didn’t know.”
She shrugged and wiped away tears I didn’t know she was crying.
For the second time that day, I closed my eyes to reel in everything I was feeling. She felt so right in my arms again.
But I knew it would be short-lived.
I let go of her with a jerk. Everything came back to me in a jolt.
You can’t hang on to someone who is hell bent on leaving you.
“What’s wrong?” She turned to face me. “Is something hurting?”
I sneered at her. She was putting on an act. I could see it all now.
All that sweet outer coating was just that–a ruse.
She just wanted to hurt me again.
I knew it.
“No. Nothing’s hurting and it won’t be, no matter how you try to…to…trick me!”
“Trick you? What?” She took a few steps toward me. I put out my palms. I wouldn’t be touching her again. It was too dangerous.
“Look, you came to help me, great. Just do what you came to do and then leave. I know you know how to do that.”
She looked down, probably in shame.
She should be ashamed of what she did to me.
To us.
“Okay. Mood swings. That’s normal.” I rolled my eyes as she nurse-whispered to herself.
“Yeah, especially because of soup!”
Wow, Lars. Yeah, soup was the real issue here.
“I can’t…”
She ran into the bathroom with her hand over her mouth.
She was sicker than me.
I didn’t see her eating soup.
Maybe all she needed was soup.
Oh, goodness, I’m talking to myself.
A thought popped into my head and before I could even rethink it, I hit the door running. Really running.
There was no one who could stop me from getting a burger now.
No one.
Not even the one person in the world who could save me, she was busy saving herself.
Chapter Nine
Molly
I WAS EXHAUSTED from the drive. Lars was still asleep as I pulled up to his apartment. I knew I was running a slight fever and I had to get well. Quickly. I didn’t mean to tell Lars I was sick, but maybe he wouldn’t catch on that my cancer was back.
“Lars.” I shook his shoulder lightly. “We need to head up.”
He woke up looking confused and disoriented.
“Go on. I’ll get the bags.” I lifted the lever for the trunk and started gathering up the few bags we had.
“I’ll handle
it.” Lars took them from my grasp. “You still seem to be under the weather.” He sneered his comment at me.
“How chivalrous?” I rolled my eyes and moved away from him.
Once I was in the apartment, I ran to the bathroom and threw up again. It came out of nowhere this time. I found the thermometer in my purse. You wouldn’t think it was something a girl carried around, but in my condition, I had to. It read one hundred one. It was high. I knew it. I had to fake it until I could get Lars comfortable and then I could go to bed. I only had a few more days of this and then I’ll be back in Dallas and would worry about my health then.
As I opened the door, I ran right into his hard chest. “What are you doing? Spying?” I yelled.
“You’re sick.”
“Nothing gets past you.” I brushed past him and went into the kitchen.
“How sick are you?”
“Not enough for you to worry about.” I lied as I pulled out a bottle of water from the fridge and handed him one. “It’s late. You need to lay down because tomorrow is a big day. Your family is throwing the barbecue for Jameson and his girlfriend tomorrow. After that, you and I need to go to the VA and set up appointments with a therapist and then find an AA meeting.”
“I’m glad you consulted me about my day.”
“You’re welcome.” I patted his shoulder as I left the kitchen and went into the tiny living room and turned on the TV. “You should probably get a shower and go to bed.”
“I’m not a child. Quit treating me like one.”
“Stop acting like one.” I sipped my water slowly, as to not become sick again, and flipped through the channels.
“I can’t wait for you to leave me alone.” He stormed off to his room, slamming the door.
The tears came quickly and rolled down my cheeks. I wished he knew how much I loved him and why I left him.
SOMETIME THROUGH THE night, my fever broke and I had never been more thankful. I didn’t feel outstanding, but I knew I could get through the day without too many complications. At least, I was hoping. I took the coldest shower I could stand and got ready for the day.
“Lars, it’s time to get up.” I didn’t want to yell and startle him.
“I’m up,” he said.
“Well, get ready and I’ll be ready to go when you are.” I went into the kitchen and popped all my nausea pills first and then my chemo pill. Today was going to be a long one, and I said a quick prayer that I would make it through today.
“Why are we going to this?”
I turned and tried not to stare at him too much. He always cleaned up so well. “Your best friend is getting married. Your family, who thinks of him as a son, is throwing him a party so we all can meet his fiancée, Rebekah.”
He sighed. “Fine. Let’s go.”
I made myself focus and drive over to his parent’s place. I knew I wouldn’t be eating anything today unless it was small and non-spicy. My stomach was already flipping and twisting. It was going to be a rough day, but I had to get through it.
Lars came from a very large family and they were all close, well were. I was closest to Stacy, Lars’ youngest sister, and his mother. I knew there were going to be a lot of people here, especially since it was for Jameson and his future wife, Rebekah.
“Looks like everyone has made it.” I commented, parking the car at the end of the driveway.
“Great.” He grumbled and got out of the car.
Everyone happily greeted me and Lars, and he seemed to pretend to be having fun. I was able to meet Rebekah, and we had a grand time talking about Jameson and the wedding. Happiness filled me because I knew he had been putting his life on hold to take care of Lars these past ten years. I was glad he was moving on. He deserved it.
I was able to sneak away and hide in the bathroom for a little while without anyone disturbing me. I threw up everything I ate–well what little I ate–and rested a cool washcloth on my forehead for a few moments.
Knock. Knock.
“Molly, are you all right?” Pam asked.
I opened the door and she wasn’t alone. “I’m okay.”
“You don’t look it,” Jameson said. “Come here.” He took my hand and led me over to the kitchen table and pulled out a chair for me. “Is the cancer worse this time?” He knelt down in front of me.
“The pills are making me sick because I’m not resting enough.” I confessed. “It’ll be fine because I’ll be back home in a few days.”
“I hate to see you leave us again, Molly.” Pam took my hand. “You bring such joy to Lars’ life.”
“I don’t think that’s true anymore. He would rather spit on me then look at me.” I took the glass from Stacy’s hand.
“He doesn’t know the cancer’s back?” Pam asked.
“No, he doesn’t. I told him I was sick, and I’m hoping to play it off as the flu or something.” I told them. “I need to focus on him right now. We’re going to the VA and then to check out an AA meeting I found online that seems to be a good fit for him. He doesn’t do well around a lot of people.”
“You’re special to him, Molly. He loves you more now than he did when he married you. He’s just hiding it with the booze.” Pam tried to explain.
“He’ll be fine without me.” I gave her a small smile.
After a moment, Pam and Stacy left and Jameson sat down next to me. “You need to tell him the truth. He needs to know.”
I shook my head. “I left him so he could have the life he wanted. A career in the military and a family. I can’t give him a family. He can never know I left for selfish reasons.”
“You left him because you didn’t tell him the truth about the cancer. He would have been there for you.”
“Yes, he would have been and that would have ruined his career. Then when I was told I couldn’t have kids, I knew then he could never know because he would pretend it was all okay, even though he would have been so disappointed about never having a family.”
“Molly.” He sighed.
“You know I’m right. I love him more than words and because of it, he can’t know the truth about me.” I cried softly, and Jameson held me for a few moments. I pulled away and took a deep breath. “I have to take him to the doctor now. I’ll see you later. I’m glad you found someone special for you.” I gave him a quick hug before heading out to find Lars.
Shockingly, he was just outside the kitchen. I thought maybe for a second he had heard us talking, but he didn’t seem to be angry.
“It’s time to go to the doctor.” I tell him waiting to gauge any reaction from him.
He nodded. “I’m ready to go anyway. There’s too many people here. I’m tired of answering the same three questions over and over. I don’t belong here.”
“Yes, you do. This is your family,” I sternly said. “Let’s get going.”
I made my way to the car without having to throw up again. I knew the next few hours were going to be difficult with him, but I would make it.
He was sulking the entire drive to the VA, and I practically had to force him out of the car, but he did go inside. Luckily, there weren’t too many people in the waiting room. I filled out all of his forms since I knew all of his information anyway.
When his name was called, I didn’t think he was going to get up, but he did and went into the back. I felt a small sigh of relief come over me thinking this was the first step toward him getting better. It was what I wanted the most for him. Over the years, I couldn’t think of him with other women and according to Jameson he never was, but I wanted him to be happy. It wouldn’t have happened with me. Lars had always talked about kids and being a family. It was something I couldn’t give him.
When I was first diagnosed with cancer, the doctors told me it was a possibility of not having children. Then, after I had all the information, I realized how sick I was going to become and the high chances of me getting it again. I couldn’t be a burden to Lars. I wouldn’t be one to him. He needed to live life. He had so many dreams, and I d
idn’t want to squash any of them.
Lars had been back there for a while and I was hoping it was a good sign. He needed to make the first step on his own. But I knew he needed me to push him to that step. I wanted to see him back to the happy, healthy Lars I remembered. He had so much love to spread around and now I didn’t see that spark in his eyes anymore. It’s killed me not to see it either.
Soon he came out and didn’t seem to be mad at all. However, he looked exhausted. I stood up and smiled. “Feel better?”
“I have to come back in two days.”
“Great.” It made me joyful knowing he was going to come back. “Now, we have to go to AA.” He rolled his eyes and made his way to the front desk to make his next appointment.
The meeting I found for him was two towns over. I knew he wouldn’t be comfortable in the town where everyone knew him. Plus the one I found had meetings at various times. It meant he could go whenever, and it might be easier on him.
I couldn’t go in with him, and I knew it. I tried to encourage him the best I could without actually breaking out the pom-poms and such. He got out of the car, and I saw his hesitation as he went to the door, but he went in nonetheless.
Even more relief came over me. He was going down the right path, and I was elated. I wasn’t one hundred percent sure why there was such a change. Maybe seeing his family really showed how much people cared about him. He needed this stability, and I was going to make sure he got it.
Before I left him again.
Chapter Ten
Lars
IF I WASN’T who I was–a person who I’d been forced to come to grips with over the past week–I would think all of these people were nuts.
They each stood and said their names and how long they’d been clean.
I was Lars Grekov and I’d been clean six days longer than I cared to be.
Molly had brought me a couple of towns over for the meeting. I wasn’t sure if that was for her benefit or mine.
I’d be embarrassed if I was her too.
“I’m Samuel and I’ve been sober for twelve years.”
It didn’t hit me until he stood up and eyed me while every word came from his mouth that this was the man from my town who owned the grocery store.
He knew who I was, and I knew who he was.