by Lila Felix
The door to the bar opened and cast the sun’s rays on my face. I lifted my hands up to shield myself from the light.
“Lars.” The tone was condescending yet familiar. It could only be one person.
“Jameson. It’s a little early for your vodka rocks, isn’t it?”
He chuckled and with two fingers the bartender came running. I looked at them back and forth while they spoke.
Jameson ordered a Tom Collins and the guy poured it…just like that.
“What the hell is going on? Is my money not good in here? I want a vodka rocks. No, now that I think about it, I want the whole bottle.”
The young man turned to me with some regret on his face. “No, sir, your money is no longer good here unless you want a Coke.”
I looked at Jameson’s drink and out of some instinct or stupidity, I reached over to take it.
“Don’t be stupid, Lars. I’d hate to put you out of here before I say what I need to say.”
I didn’t give three rats’ butts what he had to say.
“Just say what you have to and then I’m taking my money elsewhere.” Like a child, I pointed my voice at the bartender.
“You know why I can drink this? Because I’m not a drunk like you. I don’t drink until I slur my words and piss in my pants and make my best friend drag my sorry butt home night after night. I don’t drink until I throw up all over the sidewalk where kids ride their bikes and I don’t forget to pay my bills or you know eat. That’s why I can drink.”
“So what? I’ve seen you shake and shiver so much you couldn’t even pull the trigger on your rifle when the enemy was right in front of you. So what?”
That was a cheap shot. Even me in my “need a drink” fury knew better.
“Well, at least I’m man enough to know that and admit it.”
“I am too. I went to one of those meetings.”
He chuckled and drank half of his drink in one shot. “Yeah, such a big, brave man. Your old flame drove you two towns over to go to a meeting that you didn’t want to go to and you went in to avoid her. Good job. You should really be proud. And yet, here we are.”
“Some good it did avoiding her. She’s dying in a hospital and claims it I was the reason she filed for divorce. Me!”
Jameson looked down. “You know what I hear? I hear someone who is blaming all of their problems on the people who love him and take care of him. You’ve gone from being my best friend and hero to the most pathetic man I’ve ever known.”
I got up and began to storm toward the door to go to the grocery store. I knew there was liquor there, and I didn’t have to wait for some snot-nosed kid to decide to serve it to me.
“Don’t bother going anywhere else. There’s no place within four counties who will sell you alcohol. I made sure of that myself.”
“Then I’ll drive somewhere else.”
“With what car and with what license?”
“Then someone will take me.”
“Not anyone around here.”
I snorted. “What? Do you have everyone around here bullied not to help anyone?”
That’s when Jameson snapped. He crossed the darkened bar and before I knew it, he had my collar fisted in his hands while the other fist shook inches from my face. Redness blotched out his normally calm features.
“Let me tell you something, Lars. The people of this town do nothing but help you and I’m putting an end to it. Your landlord lets you live at your apartment for free and cooks you meals on top of it.”
My shoulders sank as I thought about it. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d actually paid rent.
“As if he doesn’t have to clean up enough crap during the day, the janitor who lives under you washes your vomit off the sidewalk so his kids don’t have to see it and can ride their bikes in a clean area. I make sure the clothes that Mrs. King brings over from donations are clean for you to wear. Your new bed, if you even realized you had a new bed, was given to you by Henry at the mattress store because you had pissed all over your other one. You’ve become nothing but a leech on this town, and that’s why I’m ending it. Once and for all. You clean up or you’re on your own. And don’t you dare say another word about Molly. She’s your last hope and for some God forsaken reason, she still manages to be in love with you.”
I didn’t believe him.
“Why? Why would everyone do that?”
“Why?” He sneered, putting his face even closer to mine. I smelled his drink on his breath and even with everything he was saying, I wanted to crawl down his throat and drink from the contents of his stomach. “Because in this town you are still their small-town hero. You went to war, saved some people, killed some bad guys, and now–even in this state–they think you’re a hero. So for once, why don’t you try to live up to that reputation instead of proving them wrong second by second?”
He shoved me away, and I landed right on my butt on the floor of the bar with all the other filth.
I sat there for a span of time–I don’t know for how long. Long enough for more customers to come and go. Long enough for Jameson to finish his drink and then leave without another word.
He was right.
I was pathetic.
I had become nothing.
Instead of going places I wasn’t welcome, I went to the one place other than the bottle where I could hide.
My apartment.
Except this time, it wasn’t mine anymore.
The place smelled like vanilla and the tea she brewed in the afternoon. The floors were mopped and the clean dishes were stacked by size. She was everywhere and yet not here.
I sat down right inside the door on the floor. That’s where I belonged–on the floor.
I needed Molly.
Not because she was helping me or saving me but because I needed the woman who I loved.
But this time, Molly was better off without me.
Chapter Thirteen
Molly
JAMESON STARED AT me longer as I kept my back to him. I didn’t need to turn around to feel his eyes on me. He told me about yesterday with Lars and I came to a conclusion.
I had to leave.
I couldn’t see Lars again.
This time I would leave without a goodbye because he’s better off on his own.
“Molly, you don’t have to do this. He loves you. I know it.”
I finished putting my items in the bag. “No, I need to leave now.”
“You just got out of the hospital.”
“Look,” I said firmly. “I’m done. He doesn’t love me. And if he does it’s because he feels sorry for me, and what Lars needs to do is go and live his life. I will be happy knowing he’s happy. Even if it’s without someone else.” I brushed past him and gathered my bathroom items.
When the doctor released me this morning from the hospital, I knew what my plan would be. I had Jameson drive me to the apartment since Lars’ mother picked him up to go to the therapist. I had about an hour to get my stuff and get out.
“Don’t do this. This could be the one thing to drive him over the edge.” He pleaded.
“Then you’ll be there to catch him.” I zipped my bag and hugged him tightly. “I’ll call you when I get to my place.” I pulled away, grabbed my bags and raced out the door before the tears fell.
THE TEARS DIDN’T stop as I drove back to Dallas. They came harder when I crawled into my own bed and I realized he was gone forever this time. I had no one at this point. My mother and I weren’t close. In fact, I couldn’t even remember the last time we spoke. I had friends at work, but they weren’t the type I’d confide in. Of course there was Jameson, but he would just tell me to come back and be with Lars. Same with Pam.
I made myself get out of bed. Even though I still feel as if I was run over by a truck, I wasn’t as bad as yesterday. I checked my fridge and threw away the spoiled food and made a list of what I had to get from the store. I put in a load of laundry and curled up on my couch. I didn’t want to watch a movie o
r read a book. The radio would’ve given me a headache and I sure didn’t want that to happen. I pulled the cover off the back of the couch and covered myself.
My brain wasn’t focusing on anything but one thing. The day Lars asked me to marry him. It was crazy. We had graduated high school the week before and he was leaving for basic training a few weeks later. I was sad he was leaving because we hadn’t been apart since the day we started dating. It was going to be hard. I knew we could make it through, but it was his words that made me say yes.
“MOLLY, YOU ARE the air I breathe, the other half of my heart, and my soul mate. I want to grow old with you. I want us to have babies and expand our love with them. I want you to be my strength when I’m weak and I’ll be yours. I need you more than anything else in this world. I want to lay down at night and know you’re going to be there in the morning when I first open my eyes. I don’t want anyone but you. You’re my everything. You’re my world.”
HE WAS MY world. I’ve spent every day for the last ten years just getting by because I couldn’t be without him. It was just one of the reasons I kept in contact with his family. It was why I never stopped calling Jameson. I had to know about him. I had to be sure he was okay.
Because I loved him and I always will.
I MUST HAVE fallen asleep on the couch because when I woke up it was pitch black and the only light was coming from my cell phone.
“Hello.”
“Are you feeling okay?”
“Yes, Jameson. I’m fine. Is everything okay there? How’s Lars?”
“He’s not okay. I didn’t leave so I’d be here when he came back from the VA.”
My throat began to close. “How did he do?”
“At the VA? Pam said he went in, but she didn’t go back with him so we don’t know. At the apartment? Not great. I told him you were released from the hospital and you left.”
My stomach dropped. “How did he take it?”
“Not great. He’s mad and heartbroken. He went to his room and slammed the door. He hasn’t come out since.”
I sat up. “Are you still there?”
“Yes. I told Rebekah I was staying here tonight.”
A wave of small relief came over me. Lars wasn’t alone right now, and I was glad. He wouldn’t do well the first night alone in his house.
“I’m going to say this again…you’re making a mistake. He loves you and you love him. You need to come home.”
“He wants child–”
“Enough, Molly. He knows you can’t have kids now. He will deal with it. He has dealt with it. He wants you more than anything and you’re both fools for going on this long without getting back together. I’m tired of it. You both are meant to be together and you know I’m right.”
The tears began to flow down my cheeks again. I figured by now I was all dried out. “Thank you for staying with him tonight. You don’t need to call me anymore. It’s time for us all to move on. Goodbye, Jameson.”
With those words, I ended the call.
Chapter Fourteen
Lars
I WAS SHUT in my room detoxing again. But this time I wasn’t detoxing from booze. I was detoxing from Molly.
She’d left. Given up on me and on us once and for all.
I’d almost forgotten on my way out of the VA that Molly wouldn’t be in the car waiting for me. I wanted to tell her what they’d said. I wanted to tell her that I wasn’t some lunatic. All the voices and noises I heard louder than anyone else–all of it had a name. And I wasn’t crazy. The guy said he could give me some tools to use to deal with some of the flashbacks, without pills and without the bottle.
And without my girl.
I had slammed the door on Jameson when he told me she was gone. I just didn’t want to hear it and more than anything I needed a minute to get a hold of myself.
“That’s all you need,” the doctor said. “Give yourself a minute to calm yourself down. Two, three fifteen minutes if you need it. The people who love you will give it to you and understand. Even an hour in a room by yourself is better than downing a bottle of whiskey in ten minutes.”
I came out a few minutes later. Jameson had been talking on the phone.
“Don’t tell me you were talking to her. I can’t believe you.”
“What?” he said, helping himself to a bottle of water from my fridge. “She’s not the enemy. Both of you are my friends and both of you are idiots.”
Great. More of the tough love from my best friend. I should’ve picked someone else to buddy up with in the desert.
“Oh good.” I sat down on the couch. “Another lecture from the great and mighty Jameson.”
“Shut up. You two are about as stupid as they come.”
I stood up then. I’d had enough.
“Don’t you ever call her stupid again. You can say what you want to me but not one more word about Molly.”
“Why?” He challenged me, chest to chest.
“Because I love her and I won’t stand for it. I may be a drunk but I know what love is.”
He backed off. His shoulders began to shake and then the rest of his body. He was laughing at me.
“What are you laughing at?”
“Dude, that’s almost a line from Forrest Gump. ‘I might not be a smart man…but I know what love is.’ I can’t take you seriously when you quote Forrest Gump and with that accent. It’s just too much.”
His own mocking of me sent him into a doubled over laughing fit.
I had to join him.
He was right after all.
I was about as Forrest Gump as they came when it came to Molly.
When we had both recovered, I looked him dead in the eye.
“You know where she is?”
He nodded.
“I’ve got money for gas.”
He smiled at me. “I’ve got a car and a license.”
“Meet me back here in twenty minutes. It’s about an eight hour drive.”
“You got it.”
He left and I pulled out my uniform. It was tight around my beer gut but still fit. This was what Molly deserved. Her soldier, coming to get his woman.
And I was going to give it to her.
“THAT WASN’T WHAT happened and you know it.”
Jameson and I argued all the way to the Texas line about things that happened in Afghanistan and afterward.
I wasn’t lying.
He was.
“Sometimes flashing lights scare me,” Jameson said out of nowhere. “It doesn’t happen as much anymore. I do this thing where I blink ten times. If the lights are just lights, then I’m fine. They always are, of course. But in my mind they are…”
“I know,” I said, not making him finish the sentence. “Me too. And loud noises. Not any loud noises. I know that a train passing by is going to make a noise. But when the loud noise comes out of nowhere…”
“Yeah, I get some of that too. The dreams have softly gone away.”
“I don’t have dreams when I’m drunk.”
“I guess not. Are they back?”
“Not as bad as I thought they’d be. The doctor at the VA said I’m probably more afraid of them coming back than the actual dream. He wants me to meditate and listen to soothing sounds at night when I’m going to sleep.”
Jameson laughed and got off the interstate.
“This is it. We’re about twenty minutes away. Do you know what you’re going to say?”
I looked out the window. “Yeah, but right now it’s ‘Hey, Molly. I love you. How about giving it a shot with your ex-drunk husband?’.”
When he didn’t say anything, I just looked ahead.
“Well, the good news is that you now have fifteen minutes to make up a speech that will change the rest of your life. And I’ll be here in the car–praying.”
“Remind me not to make you my best man.”
“Please, like you could find anyone else.”
We drove the rest of the way in silence except for the few times I had
to direct him from the GPS picture on his phone.
By the look of the outside, it didn’t look like the safest of places. Iron rods decorated the outside of the windows.
I got out of the car but then went back and stuck my head through the open window. “Hey, Jameson, in case I haven’t told you and I’m pretty sure I haven’t, thanks for always giving it to me straight.”
“Just go in there before I start crying.”
I got up the stairs and knocked on apartment K. There was no answer so I knocked until my knuckles felt like they would bleed any second.
“What do you want?”
Molly jerked open the door. Her hair was disheveled and she was in her pajamas…at three in the afternoon.
“I want to talk to you, now that you ask.” It wasn’t really the time for sarcasm, but it’s what I had.
“Lars? Um, yeah, come in. How did you get here?”
I cleared my throat and looked around at her sparse furniture. She was worse than me.
“It turns out that I have a great best friend who will drive me to Dallas even though I’ve been a real pain in the butt the last, I don’t know, ten years.”
“At least you realize it now.”
“I realize a lot of things now.”
She looked up at me. I knew what I needed to say but standing there in front of her was worse than being at that AA meeting.
“I realize that I love you and I don’t care about having kids or whatever dreams I thought I once had. The only thing I care about is sharing my life with you. I care about not wasting one more second of my life drowning in a bottle–drowning without you.”
I had her for a second. Her face changed but only instantly.
“No, that’s not true, Lars. You want a big family. It’s all you talked about.”
“I kind of already have one. I’m just missing you from it.”
She bunched her eyebrows. “What?”
“Well, I have a whole town of people who have been treating me like family for almost a decade. I’ve got parents and tons of brothers, sisters, and nieces and nephews. Some great nieces and nephews too. I’ve already got a big family it seems. But an entire stadium of family doesn’t mean anything without my Molly.”