by Alex Fall
Keegan simply bit his lip again.
"You are coming back, aren't you?"
"...I don't know." Yet another tear escaped his eyes. "I don't know. I want to say yes, but I don't know."
"No!" I repeated. "Promise me you'll come back! Right now, promise me!"
"Erin...I don't know if I can keep that promise..."
"Promise me!" I yelled.
Keegan looked down. But that perfect smile returned. "Only if you kiss me."
I sat back. "What?!"
And then I awoke in bed. My bed in the Decapolis, on my ship. My pillow was wet with tears. I was still leaking tears in real life. Keegan stirred and sobbed at the foot of my bed. As I sat up to address him, the unbearable sorrow slammed me again. Tears quickly formed and fell. Why does this have to happen?
Keegan had been crying in real life too? Yet, through it all, he smiled. "Bonjour Erin."
"You can't leave." It was all I could say to him.
My sorrow consumed me. I felt trapped and panicked. It was as if I had been abducted all over again. There has to be a way to fix this. There has to be a way to escape.
"Je le sais," my sad protector replied, sitting at the foot of my bed.
"I don't want to be awake. I need to hear your voice."
"Ceci est ma voix. Parle moi."
I buried my face in my hands out of stress. "I can't understand you." I turned and reached for the sleep meds.
Keegan too reached over and put his hand on mine to stop me. "Non. Tu as promis."
I looked to him then the bottle, and back again. "I can't do it. You can't leave me."
"Oui, tu peux. Parle moi."
"Keegan, I can't understand you," I reminded him. I found myself hanging my head, not watching anything in particular. He slipped the pills from my hands and set them behind himself. I was pulled again into another hug. I didn't fight it. At this point, I'll take nearly anything Keegan is willing to give me. But didn't he say something about...a kiss? My face flushed and my mind clashed with itself. I patted myself on the back for keeping it dark onboard because Keegan wouldn't be able to see my face. But...a kiss. That's too much...
"Is there any possibility you might be wrong about all of this?" I asked.
His arms tightened around me. "...non."
"And there's no way to break the dreaming?"
"Non, pas que je sache."
I broke away and stood up from bed. It's cold in my ship, as always. Add to that the sadness between us and I was left feeling sick again.
"What are we supposed to do? Just stand around like idiots until I'm alone again?" I asked. My tone revealed the underlying anger I was harboring over the situation.
"Petit déjeuner?"
Breakfast. He's so simple. How can he take this day so easy? We should be looking for a way to save him! Is he just trying to be brave? He led his way to the kitchen. I followed, expressing my doubts.
"Keegan, you can't ignore this. We can work something out. You haven't even told me what happened!"
Typing. "I don't know what happened."
"There isn't anyway to send me a message or something? There HAS to be an answer!"
"Calm down. I'll make you breakfast," he typed.
"I can't calm down Keegan!" I snapped, slamming my hand on the counter. "It's like finding out today is the day you die! How am I supposed to deal with that?"
He silently stared in return.
"How? You don't have an answer do you?"
"Non..."
"How do you spend your last day of life?" I asked angrily.
Typing. "I'm not going to die."
"How do you know?! You don't even know what happened to you! And you said you won't be waking up? How the *cuss* can you expect me to be calm?"
"Ne pas jurer," he said reflexively.
"Stop telling me not to cuss!" I yelled.
"Non Erin. Tu as-"
"Shut up!" I screeched. Keegan's face looked surprised, and dark. I think I hurt his feelings. It makes me sick to my stomach. But he should know better! He's not acting right!
"Make your own *cuss* breakfast!" I yelled again, this time storming out of my ship.
"Erin, attendez!"
"Oh, now you want to talk? No! Sit on the ship and rot!" With that I grabbed my fleece lined coat and left the ship with hot, stinging tears forming in my eyes.
It was an extra level of cold today. A cold front had moved in. Snow was beginning to flurry, but not enough to collect or be meaningful. I left my home and wandered. I didn't know where to go. I was simply angry. I didn't want to yell at Keegan, and I didn't want to hurt him, not on his last day. But it just kind of happened. I hated myself for it. Keegan is just trying to look out for me. He's only trying to protect me. He's right, I know it.
But it makes me angry.
I found myself standing on a grungy street corner, wrapped up in my coat with the hood up. I think it was clear to cross the road, but I just stood there, staring at the gutter. People didn't dare touch me. They didn't even stand around that long. It hurts so much. I'm so alone...
"Captain?" Reggie called out?
I looked up barely enough to catch sight of him.
"Hey, what are you doing out here? It's like, one degree outside," he explained as he approached. He had a friend with him, a girl. She hung back at the sight of me.
"I needed a change of scenery," I mumbled.
"What's going on? Is everything ok? The board said you won't be doing anymore missions for a while."
"Screw the board."
"I figured you might say that."
We stood in sober silence for a moment.
"Do...you want to step inside where it's warm?" He asked after the break.
"What does someone do if they know it's the last day they'll be alive?"
"Whoa, what?" Reggie exclaimed, now more alert.
"You heard me."
"Do you know something I don't?"
"Always," I said, blankly staring down the street.
"...Are you going to die or something?"
"No. Just answer the question."
Reggie scratched his head. I'm not sure if he was thinking or his skullcap itched, but he did answer quicker than I would have thought. "I guess you try to make it as happy of a day as you can. Do all the stuff you always wanted to but never could. Actually...well, I don't know. I'll stick with that answer."
The answer hurt so much. Is that what Keegan is doing? Did he want to spend his last, happy day with me? That sounds like something he would do. I chewed him out for it. I felt the sickness in my stomach grow.
"Captain?"
I shook my head to break my thoughts. I must have shown no response. "Sorry."
"Reggie, I hate to bring this up, but we're going to be late," his girl chimed.
"Running late, as usual? Isn't it terribly early to do that?" I asked.
"Yeah, sorry. I got a...event thing I was gonna bring her to. Oh sorry, this is-"
"Don't bother with introductions. Just go and not be so late."
"Right...um, thanks. I guess I'll hear from you when you need us."
Reggie and his friend continued down the street. The girl went out of her way not to draw closer than 3 meters to me. She was pretty. It made me angry. At the last moment, I shot her a death glare. She quickened her pace at the sight of it. Keegan's guiding voice reprimanded me for it.
The snow tingled and burned against my face. I want to go back to Keegan. I don't know about him, but I don't want to spend my last day with him this way, being mad and separate. I should probably head back home. But I can't. Some part of me demanded space. It craved my anger. Overall, I felt conflicted. I hate myself. And this is with Keegan still here. What will I do when he's gone? A memory of biting the end of my shotgun presented itself. It filled me with fear. I don't want to be that again.
I made my way back to my ship, shivering from the cold and embarrassed from my emotions. But the moment I was entered my docking bay, I saw Keegan
waiting outside my ship for me. He looked cold. He's been out here for awhile. He's so thoughtful, so unlike me. It stopped me in my tracks. Though it took him some seconds, he took notice of me as well. We stared in silence. It's as if we had an unspoken conversation with our eyes, even this far away from each other. Mostly the conversation was me admitting my faults yet again, and Keegan accepting me for what I am regardless of my failures. At least, that's what it felt like. I don't know how long that went on before he waved for me to return inside my own home.
Once inside, the warmth of my atmospheric settings soaked in. Breakfast was waiting for me despite the events. And Keegan was still here for me, though he seemed cautious. He still cares after everything I've done? It made tears begin to form once again.
Standing over and examining the freshly cooked food, I broke the silence. "Keegan, I don't say this often...I'm sorry. For everything." He began to reply but I cut him off. "Don't say it's OK. It's not. We both know that. So...I'm sorry."
Keegan smiled and nodded.
I cleared my throat. "What would you like to do today?"
* * *
I set the cello bow down and looked up to Keegan. He's looking tired. It made me anxious and sad. I don't want him to leave. I've been doing just about everything I can to keep him awake. We already had several meals together. He accompanied me and bought me little tinker for gifts. Using my money, he picked me out a star Sapphire ring. I don't know when I'll ever wear it though. We watched a movie. I've been playing and practicing cello with him. The list goes on. He even took time to talk to Sharon about everything. She wasn't happy either. She had been staying with a friend and couldn't make it back in time to say goodbye, so they talked for an extended period over video call. There was a lot of emotion in that conversation. I should consider myself lucky to be here in person. But it was all taking its toll. He was getting tired. And as he explained, "You have to let go at some point."
I have to break the silence. The looming situation drew on our sadness. "Should I keep playing?"
Keegan blinked lazily and tilted his head. "Hm?"
"Should I keep playing?" I repeated.
"Oui..." He was getting sleepy. Please don't leave me.
"Keegan...I can't let you go yet."
He looked over at me. I knew what he was going to say. We've already been through this several times. "I know I have to let you sleep," I explained. "But I didn't realize that I liked you as much as I did until now...now that you're about to be gone."
He produced the laptop and began to type.
"I need to go to sleep."
My eyes widened slightly. I felt my heart jump. "Please, no. I can't...I can't..."
He rose as he typed. "I have a huge favor."
I eyed the bed he's been sleeping in. It was now the enemy. "It doesn't matter. It won't keep you here."
He sat on the bed and sighed. "Will you fall asleep with me?"
I glared. "Keegan...that...that's inappropriate."
"No intimacy. Just let me sleep with you near."
I looked out the door. "I don't know if I can do that."
"Je le sais," he said. Then more typing. "Do you like or love me?"
My heart fluttered. "What?"
"Do you love me?"
My face flushed, undoubtedly from the imperceptible blushing. This was such a huge leap in conversation. My hand tightened on the bow and I was left silent. I shook my hood and looked away. "I...can't."
"S'il vous plaît?"
I looked back at him, then the cello. I swallowed. My mind battled with itself. My emotions shredded my insides. The sadness weighed as heavily as ever. What do I do?
"Yes. I love you."
More typing. "I made a promise. I try to come back, if..."
He left it incomplete on purpose. He wants me to fill in the blank. And I know what the blank is. He wants...to kiss me.
Oh, the thought. I can't agree. It's too much. I'm not like that. I made no outward change in appearance, but my mind recoiled at the idea. Keegan didn't pick up on it. But likely because I made no reaction, his slight smile began to fade. Instead, he rose to turn out the lights. On his way he took the cello and bow from me.
"I'm sorry Keegan. I'm not ready for that," I sat on the bed, in a half hearted attempt to keep him from falling asleep. "You know how I am. It's just not me...Keegan?"
He must not be able to see very well in the dark. He was moving stopped at the bed. Maybe he'll stay awake if I'm in here.
And then it happened. He leaned down and kissed me. Right on the mouth. And not just once! My mind surged. Every feeling that can humanly be felt pulsed into my head. More pronounced than anything was anger. HOW DARE HE! He didn't listen to me, he's not concerned with how I feel! I even reflexed in time to put an arm to his throat as if to throatstrike. But, equally as strong was the joy. A stray thought, one that I never knew I harbored, came to the forefront. I really, really like this! My joy and anger warred. I wanted to break his nose right then and there, but out of happiness, I stayed still and did not retaliate. My arm even weakened and lowered. For years I expected to die. When I didn't, I gave up being human. I thought I would never have a family, never be presentable to other humans, never be useful or desirable to anyone. I never thought anyone would look upon me with attraction. But he did. He still does.
Is this what love feels like? It's so exhilarating and arousing. The sad sickness melted away. The dire situation felt so light. Keegan felt so good...
My left hand found its way in between us and pushed just enough to break us apart. My body felt like I was about to burn myself. My face felt so warm and tingly. I felt out of breath. My heart was racing. Time felt slower than it should be. Keegan let out a giggle. I felt myself smile.
My first kiss. Did I do it right?
"Good Erin," he whispered.
I couldn't reply. My mind and body were still on overload. But if that wasn't enough, Keegan crawled into bed and pulled me down with him. The kissing began again. However this time, my anger surged stronger than normal.
I sat up. "No. I can't do this."
"Aw...S'il vous plaît?"
"I'm sorry Keegan, I can't give you anymore than that."
The sadness was creeping back in. Keegan is leaving. Why am I so hardheaded, now of all times? "You're leaving. It will only take you, what six minutes to fall asleep? And then that's it. You're gone. I'm alone again after that..."
I felt the tears returning. Keegan pointed at the laptop. After I handed it to him, he typed, "I made you a promise. I will do everything in my power to come back, if I can."
"If you can?" I whimpered.
"I can't speak this, so I must type it. Goodbye Erin. You changed my life. You will always mean the world to me."
A tear escaped. "I changed YOUR life?" I asked sarcastically. "No words can tell what you've done for me."
He chuckled, then typed, "Will you spend the night with me?"
"No. It's too romantic now. It's too inappropriate."
Typing. "You can stay awake. And a kiss will be as far as it goes."
I stared at him in the darkness. He was smiling, awaiting my answer. This is the last time I'll ever see him awake. But I can't let go.
Again, without awaiting my answer, he shut shut the laptop and tried to pull me back down. This doesn't feel right. Having someone else in the same bed is too foreign. And this isn't even my bed! Why does he want to spend his time with me? I stood to distance myself.
“I can't do this.” I went to leave the room but found myself stalling at the door. I can't let Keegan go. When I turned to check on him, he was holding his hand out to me as if inviting me back. But his eyes were closed and his arm was limp; he was falling asleep. My anxiety pulsed and my despair grew fierce. Maybe… Maybe if lie back down it will keep him here. I paused, fiddling with my fingers and toying with my ridiculous hopes. It wasn't much longer until I was crawling back onto the bed. I was way out of my comfort zone, making me stiff and tingly. Bu
t he was warm. Here on the blankets, in the arms of someone else, was very warm, and oh so comforting. Only now do I understand why Sharon always wanted to sleep with me.
"Keegan, why do you like me?" I asked after a moment.
His response was delayed. He's falling asleep. My heartbeat quickened. No, please don't leave me!
"Hm?" He grunted.
"Why do you like me?"
His response was simple and yet so meaningful at the same time. He took my hand and kissed me once more under my knuckles.
I don't know how long we laid there. It felt like an hour. In reality, it was likely no longer than a loose couple of minutes, maybe not even that long. But fatigue swept over us both. My emotional high left me feeling tired, and even I felt like slipping away. I can only imagine how Keegan felt. He's remarkably brave. Wait, I've been still for too long. He's falling asleep. Please, don't leave me.
"Keegan, are you still awake?"
"Mm..."
"I've never properly thanked you. Thank you for everything. For seeing the good in me. For making me a better person...for saving my life. I don't think I'll ever say this again but, you are the most valuable thing in my life."
"Mm. Merci..."
"...Please don't leave me." I got a pat on the head. That's even less than the last couple of times I brought that up. If he had the laptop, I know what he would say. He would tell me I need to let go. I'm tired of letting go! When is the world going to give me something in return? Oh no, I've been quiet for too long! Please don't leave me...
"Keegan?"
No response.
"Are you awake?"
I thought I felt a twitch but I wasn't sure. I sat up. "Keegan? Please be awake."
Nothing. No. Please, no.
"Keegan. Keegan!" I started to shake him.
There was no response. He fell asleep. He's gone.
"Keegan please wake back up. Please don't leave me. Even if this is a joke, just please wake up. Please..."
Keegan had entered the comatose state of dream walking. There was no more response. Tears began to stream down my face and onto his chest.
"Keegan! Please don't leave me!"
But it was too late. I doubt any of my words were even heard by him anymore. Of all of the pain I have ever felt in my life, nothing hurt more than losing Keegan.