I wanted out of that damn house. I had two options sell some drugs or do something strange for a piece of change. For the first time it was a battle that I won. I had escaped jail and can say that the couple of unprotected stupid choices, I live free of a deadly disease that could have trapped me.
I was honestly proud and confident. I mastered of keeping my pussy to myself. Even though once-upon-a-time, I loved to share. I was always yearning for something very meaningful and precious, like real love while passing out coochie coupons in my younger days.
Chapter 8: Cyber Connection
Like I stated before, Lee was on my mind for several days. It was nonstop. The more I thought about him; the more there was an urge to seek him. It was compelling like watching a butterfly emerge from its stifling cocoon.
I was looking for work at the library on this particular day. I sat at the computer and Lee hit my spirit so strong it was like seeing him, feeling him and wanted to know if he was okay. It was so bad that I could smell him and his situation; it stunk reeking of disgust and unhappiness.
It’s funny the same tool that brought us together in the first place; was the same mechanism to connect us again, only it was the internet instead of the telephone. I took a deep breath shaking the anxiety that I was pulling from his location.
I got on a site that was very popular. I had created my account in 2009. I really didn’t get on it that much; it was like My-space, not very appeasing to me maybe for young children. I typed in Lee McPherson.
When his profile popped up it scared me. He had on blue jeans, white T-Shirt, blue collar shirt that was not buttoned, some brown flip flops and he was holding what looked like a Cuban cigar. I was frightened at what I saw on the inside, with my third eye that can never be fooled. My discernment was real.
The feelings came back stronger and more powerful. I touched the screen like he was a loved one lost; supernatural he was, and I found him. I did what came naturally and prayed for him silently in the Library.
My question was answered, Lee might have looked good on the outside, and if the inside could talk it would tell you another story. I sat there not knowing what to do next. Should I text, friend request, poke or just leave well enough alone?
I couldn’t leave well enough alone; God already told me that I could have him 10 years ago. If I’m not mistaken I sent Lee a friend request. I waited for an hour and with no response I walked back home.
My thoughts were all over the place. I wondered if he was well. How was his family? Did he remarry someone else? I just wanted to catch up if nothing else could transpire at this moment but a deep friendship.
I went home and pulled my weight around the house, took a long hot shower, pulled out my green journal and begun to self-rehabilitate. In the short amount of time that I was there; it seemed like a lifetime of pure hell. After my writings, I went to bed with Lee on my mind. This time, he was in a black T-shirt swinging from side to side looking at his computer. I went to sleep peacefully knowing that when would arrive at the library, we would connect.
I woke up the next morning anxious to see if he would respond. He did! It was the basic propaganda so forth and so on, catching up with a couple of back and forth via-texts. I was very excited though he paid me no never mind for the most part, and I was cool.
In my panic of losing him again, I went and got his telephone number. I can’t recall if I called or text. But I did make myself known with Lee. I left him my number, and we started talking on a common basis.
The first and only time that I did a two for one trip, was traveling home to see my grandmother. I would include him if he would accept the invitation of seeing an old friend. He did, and I made arrangements, planned, reserved and in the spring of 2011; I was in the presence of a man, that my heart would always beat for since April of 2001.Then those roles reversed, I would want to see him instead; seeing my grandmother became a bonus. Here we are again; is what I was thinking to myself. He knocked on the door. I approached the brown room door that said 207 at the Red Roof Inn. I was nervous because so much time had passed. I didn’t know if he would be attracted to me, “Well here goes nothing,” I said as I gazed out of the peephole.
Chapter 9: Year 1
I opened the door, and I smiled deeply; it was Lee. He hadn’t changed much at all except for the maturity that was imprinted on his face.
“Get your-self in here,” I said as I let him in while checking him out in his black sweat suit.
He sat his black duffle bag on the luggage cart in the room. He gave me a hug, “Look at you, beautiful,” is what he said.
“Thank you.” I responded.
We sat down on the couch and I gave him the remote control out of hospitality. We talked for a little while until what we came there for and what I wanted started to play out. I can’t say what it was for him; for me it felt like we were picking up where we left off which was casual sex but it was deeper for me. I always knew who Lee would eventually be to me so I rolled with the situation.
I watched Lee get undressed, and I decided to do the same. I was ready for him in more ways than one. I lay on the bed in my panties only, Lee got on top of me and we started to foreplay a bit. Then he stood up on the side of the bed, taking my panties off of me very slow.
His cock was dangling in my face and I couldn’t help myself. I wasn’t invited, so I took it upon myself to suck his dick until he told me to stop. I gulped his manhood jacking him off at the same time. I remember the way his eye’s rolled up in his head. I recall looking down at his feet admiring the way his socks contoured them perfectly; my foot fetish made me choke his chicken a bit more aggressively like we had beef.
He pulled me off and threw me on my back. He entered on the inside of me and we got down like we needed a touch; sexual fix to say the least. I didn’t mind being that for him. I knew what it was so he could have me any way that he wanted too.
The freak in me had come out in those two hours. I hadn’t been touched in a while and his touch captivated me. Not like a dick whipped captivated; but it was more of a chemistry that was supernatural. One of those things when you can’t get enough of a person, the pussy gets dry, the dick gets soft and you keep pushing creating sex scars of greedy lust.
This was our second time together, so the sex was silent although our bodies were saying, “Shit, damn and fuck yeah.”
We had sex for about two hours. I could have used four more of those well needed hours of satisfaction. We didn’t cuddle at all this first time. We didn’t even say much. I grew a bit sad because I didn’t know what tomorrow would bring other than Lee not being in my world. What I prayed for is that it would not be another 10 years before I saw him again.
We got up, got dressed, and he took me to the Greyhound bus station. I remember giving him a picture of me. The thing about it was I hate goodbyes. The time was approaching; he waited with me at the gate. I kissed him on the cheek, he kissed me on the forehead and we parted ways until next time.
When I got back home Paul was trying to get back in the picture. What Paul didn’t know was that there was not a place for him in my portrait. I sat him down after the many arguments on the internet, telephone and my sisters trying to convince me to give him another chance.
2nd chances with men, I don’t think so; I didn’t have time to raise someone else’s son. He got the picture, and I never heard from him again unless he popped up at my sister’s house to see her husband; his best friend since childhood. It was still the end of Paul.
My days back home were good after I got over the sadness of Lee being in one part of the USA. While I was in another part; we created a long distance love affair.
The truth is I knew that someone was there before me. It was a little hard for me to cope. But I had to except the fact that there was a woman before me. I couldn’t change the fact that someone would be making love, taking up space with my husband; even though marriage was the furthest thing from his mind at least not with me.
Ladies c
an you imagine loving someone; secretly loving someone who has no clue?It does something to you on the inside; you feel flutters. You even want to convey the emotional part of you. I wanted to I fought the longest time with my feeling for him before I told him.
When I did that spontaneous expression of my heart; all he could do was say, “infinity.” I knew right then; there was no love, not for real. Maybe a like attached with a smudge of care towards me.
I battled with the rejection and I thought to myself. “Why he would love me?”
Ten years ago, with a one night stand and some meaningful words. He was just being a gentleman; however the raunchy situation may have gone down between us. What would make him believe that the love-word coming from my mouth was one of fact and not a concocted piece of fiction?
At that point, I really didn’t know anything about him, couldn’t even tell you his favorite color. It didn’t matter. Because I was still holding on to the promise of God, the feeling in my heart was real. I was dealing with a love at first sight dilemma, in a one-sided confession within myself although I had spoken it into the ear of my lover.
***********
Time went by and we started to develop a knowing of one another. I did something that I never did in my entire life. I opened up to Lee about my past. I told him the low down and even those things that I’m not proud of, that took place in my life.
I knew that there was so much betrayal that went on with my family and certain friends. I was protecting myself and him; if my skeletons would somehow creep out of the closet. At least he could tell my accusers that he already knew.
I didn’t want any secrets; I wanted our friendship to be solely based on honesty. If he couldn’t accept my past, then there would be no need to ask for anything other than where we were at that present time; a good lay in the middle of the barn.
We text more than we would talk; I assumed it was better that way since he was busy trying to steak claim on the totem pole of success. I didn’t want to interfere with his hectic life. Also like I said, I didn’t know if he was involved with another woman.
One day he came out and told me about a woman he had relations with; I got jealous. But I knew that it came with the territory. I shook it off the best way that I knew how, and that was to accept the fact that it happened.
Like I said it’s hard to love someone; knowing that you and another woman shared his body around the same time. I respected the fact that he told me; he could have kept it to himself and took it to the grave.
***********
Lee and I opened up to each other by putting all the cards on the table, which needed to be front and center at the time. Right there; lying smack dead in the middle of the release table. There was a man and a woman, who had been through hell and high water concerning the opposite sex. His mindset was trust no female and mine was all niggas aren’t shit.
Trust factors were heavily breached by the time we connected making it hard for him to see that he could in fact trust me. My perceptions were no matter what, I’m going to love him with everything that I have. My faith was stronger than anything on this earth.
It was almost spring time again, and it was time for Lee and I too meet up again for another encounter of sweet bliss. This time it went totally left field and I just knew that I had lost him forever.
Love will make you do things that you would never think or see yourself doing in a billion years. It will make you face your fears. It will make you commit to a cause even if there is no reciprocation from the other party. You can’t help who you fall in love with; it’s impossible because love is not a water faucet that you just can turn on or off at any given moment. Because of love I did the unthinkable and faced a fear to be with my lover yet again.
Chapter 10: Year Two
I remember it just like it was yesterday. I sat at the computer booking my first flight. I was afraid as shit to get up in the air period! I made reservations at the Courtyard Marriott. It was set for the weekend; I made my request and was very excited to see Lee.
I made plans for my children to be alright while I was on my mini vacation. The night before I was like a kid on Christmas day, excited and sleepless. I made sure that I dolled myself up for Lee.
At 6: 00am; I was on my way to the airport; 9: 30am March 7th, of 2012. I had touched down in my hometown. You should’ve seen me kiss the ground; I prayed the whole time asking God to cover the pilots.
I called my home-girl; she came and got me from the airport. We rode around, visited my grandmother and I went to check into the hotel. I was anxious but ready to be with my lover, so ready to be intimate with him.
That evening he came to me. I opened the door, and it was all she wrote. I knew. I was about to have another great experience with Lee. I treasured every moment because of the distance our visits were few, far and in between.
We did not hesitate, we went right into our grove, and an unexpected visitor had appeared before our eyes. I thought I was just extra wet because my hormones went through the roof. My nipples were hard and my body was sensitive to his touch.
He entered inside of me, took a couple of long deep strokes and he yelled, “Are you on your period!”
I jumped up, “No my period is scheduled for next week.”
I looked up under me and it looked as if I was gutted, bleeding for my life. I was so embarrassed because I always knew when my cycle was due. Unfortunately, I was caught off guard by Mother Nature.
The embarrassment grew even deeper when I heard my lover in the bathroom beating himself up, I’m already pro-midget but that made me feel two inches tall. Deep within, Lee felt like I knew my cycle was on so he went on-and-on about it for a spell. I expressed that I was sorry; I had no knowledge or cramps. After his disbelief, I sat in that poke-a-dot chair balled up with shame.
I was silent. There was not anything more at that moment. I turned my phone on and checked on my children, called my grandmother and my mother. I sat the phone down and it rung. I ignored it the first time, but it kept ringing. It was Paul trying to express how much of a mistake that he had made. I told him, now was not a good time. He inquired if I was with someone and I told him yes. He gave me his blessings and promised to never contact me again.
The stupid part was that I never should have answered the phone anyway. I did and what happened next was totally my fault. It put a wedge between Lee and me. Niko called next, and we got into a spat about all the money that we were doing for the T-Shirt fundraiser for N.O.W. No Obstacles Withstanding, an organization for women who had been abused as I had been in my life.
I was mad. Because she failed to do what she was supposed to with the money from the bake sell. I grew livid and Mother Nature put the extra stank on my attitude. To keep from showing Lee that side of me, I went to the bathroom this particular call. The second time, I got up and walked to the store. I had a very strong anger problem that he didn’t need to see.
When I came back from the store the crisp air calmed me down. I took a shower because my flow was almost uncontrollable; the truth is that I stayed in the shower because I felt dirty. At this time Lee and I was just friends with benefits even though I always wanted more since day 1. He asked me if I wanted to talk about things, I declined. What more is there left to say, is how I was feeling in my thoughts.
In his mind he felt some type of way and so did I, but, for two totally different reasons. I turned the hot water on, dropped a few tears, took a shit and hopped in the shower. I started to sing in the shower because it always helped me.
I remember dropping the soap and hearing a distinct sound of a door closing. I jumped out of the shower soapy and all; walking into an empty room; his bags were gone. The scent of peach mango body wash released from the door as I tried to catch Lee; it was too late.
I walked back into the room and cleaned myself up. I looked on the table and there it was; a dear Jane letter that read:
Dear Denien,
I shouldn’t have come to see you and it’s
for my better interest that I leave. It was good seeing you enjoy the rest of your trip.
Lee
I called him numerous amounts of time trying to get him to come back. He refused to do so; Lee was gone out of my life.
************
I got back home and text him a couple of times. The last text I remember getting from his was him telling me that he was about to get some real R&R. I knew then that someone would entertain his company.
I couldn’t be mad but as delusional as this may sound, I was hurt that another woman was having sex with my husband; according to God. It’s hard seeing someone else with the person that you’re supposed to be with.
I ended up allowing my cuddle buddy to perform oral sex on me months after our departure. I still felt like crap, like I was cheating on Lee. My cuddle buddy was just that; someone who I could cuddle with and hang out from time to time. Not a day went by that, I didn’t think of Lee. It was the first time I questioned God deeming; he had made a mistake and a fool of me. That’s exactly how I was felt on the inside.
The truth of the matter, I was rushing his promise. I didn’t take the time to get to know who Lee was as a man nor who I was as a woman. So much time had passed us by and we grew into maturity so much greater than the wisdom we had 10 years ago. What I did know, I was greatly missing my friend.
Chapter 10: Year 3
Lee and I hand not spoken in a little over four or five months. It took me about two of those months to get over my mistake and the fact that it was no more him. I stopped beating myself up, realizing the great manner in which I had fucked up. I was accountable and moved on with the course of my life.
I met a gentleman and started to go on a couple of dates with him. The bad part about it is that I wanted him to be Lee. I made it plain, I didn’t want anything sexual with him; only a friendship. He agreed. We seemed to be getting along with those established rules.
I told him about Lee. He understood my vulnerability and respected my feelings. We went on our last date. Our last date ended with a conversation of him being tired of putting in the work and not getting what he felt was his just due; some pussy. With all due respect for his wishes; I declined ending of a quick chapter. It was in that chapter that I saw my growth. I was finally okay with being alone.
Religious Love Page 4