‘Oui. I had Hodgkin’s lymphoma,’ he said flatly, not wanting to go down that route. He needed to tell Emily the facts as emotionlessly as possible and see where they went from there. ‘It was treated successfully. However, the drugs I was given left me infertile...or so I believed.’
‘I don’t know what to say.’ Emily took a deep breath and he saw a little colour come back to her face. ‘Obviously, that does help to explain why you reacted the way you did when I came to see you...’
‘Yes, it does!’ he said urgently, wondering if this was the opening he needed.
‘However, it doesn’t excuse it. You never gave me a chance, Ben, never even considered the possibility that I was telling you the truth. You’d been told you couldn’t father a child so that meant I was lying.’ She stared at him and the absence of warmth in her eyes sent a chill through him. ‘It proves how little you knew me, how little you cared to know.’
‘That’s not fair!’
‘Isn’t it? I disagree. I was just a convenience to you, someone you slept with, someone you never intended to see again once you left here.’
‘You make it sound so...so cold blooded,’ he protested and she shrugged.
‘I’m merely being truthful. We had an affair and that was it. There was never any talk of us staying together, was there?’
‘Perhaps we did not discuss it but neither did we rule it out,’ he countered and she laughed.
‘Oh, well done. I believe that’s called thinking on your feet. You don’t want to antagonise me so you’ve decided to put a spin on things.’
‘No, I don’t want to antagonise you, Emily. It’s the last thing I want to do.’ The comment had touched a nerve. Maybe there was some truth in what she’d said, but the situation wasn’t as clear cut as she believed. Although he may not have been able to offer her more than the few glorious weeks they’d had, it didn’t mean he hadn’t wanted to.
It was another thought he didn’t want to dwell on and he hurried on. ‘I want us to talk, Emily. I want us to try and reach some sort of agreement to help us deal with this situation.’
‘And what if I don’t want to talk? What if I feel that it would be better for everyone if you went back to Paris and carried on with your life—then what will you do?’
‘Try to change your mind, and if that doesn’t work, take whatever steps are necessary.’ His tone was flat which was surprising when he seemed to be a seething mass of emotions inside. Emily’s antipathy couldn’t be plainer. That was painful enough, but the fact that it was bound to have an effect on his hopes of building a relationship with Theo made it so much worse.
‘I intend to be involved in my son’s life whether you like the idea or not. I may be at fault for not believing you were carrying my child but there is nothing I can do about that now except explain my reasons and apologise. However, if you deny me access then I warn you that I shall fight you, Emily.’
Emily felt a rush of panic assail her. She hadn’t meant to stir up such a reaction but it seemed she had. She bit her lip, hating the feeling that she’d been backed into a corner. She needed time to think, time to work out how she felt. Learning that Ben had had cancer was a huge shock and she knew that it had made a difference. She needed to get that straight in her head before she did anything else.
‘Look, this is all getting out of hand,’ she began then stopped when Theo appeared, carrying his empty cereal bowl.
‘Finished, Mummy,’ he said, handing it to her before looking curiously at the man standing on the step.
Emily felt her heart catch when once again she was made aware of the resemblance between them. With his black curls, olive skin and huge dark eyes, Theo was the image of his father. Ben obviously realised it too because an expression of amazement crossed his face once more.
‘Bonjour, Theo. How are you today?’ he asked softly, bending down. He ran his finger down the little boy’s cheek and Emily felt a rush of tears fill her eyes when she saw him shudder. It was the first time Ben had actually touched his son and it was obvious that the contact had affected him deeply. It was only when Theo backed away, sheltering shyly behind her legs, that she collected herself. It was Theo who mattered most. How Ben did or didn’t feel wasn’t important.
She scooped the little boy into her arms and cuddled him close. Although Theo was a friendly, outgoing child with people he knew, he tended to be wary around strangers and she didn’t want him getting upset. She looked Ben firmly in the eyes, determined to start the way she intended to go on. ‘I’m sorry but I’m going to have to ask you to leave. I have things to do and I can’t spare the time to stand here talking to you.’
‘Really?’ Ben’s expression darkened as he straightened. ‘And when will you have the time, Emily?’
‘I’m not sure.’ She went to close the door, stopping when he put out his hand.
‘That’s not good enough, I’m afraid. We need to talk and I have no intention of allowing you to fob me off.’
‘The way you fobbed me off in Paris,’ she shot back and he flinched.
‘I have already apologised for that. If you want me to apologise again then I shall. I am very sorry for the way I behaved that day. I was unnecessarily harsh, even though at the time I truly believed I had every right to be.’
The words were faultless; however the tone of his voice told a very different story and her mouth compressed. Ben may be paying lip service to an apology but he didn’t really mean it. He still believed that he’d been right to call her a liar and a cheat without taking the time to consider that he might have been wrong. It simply drove it home to her once more how little he had cared about her. She’d been good enough to share his bed but she hadn’t warranted his respect. How on earth could they find any common ground with regard to Theo when their relationship was based on such shaky footings?
‘This isn’t getting us anywhere,’ she said quickly, afraid that it would take very little for her to break down. Although she’d been under no illusions about how Ben felt, it hurt to know that he’d cared so little about her when she had cared so much about him. ‘I don’t want you upsetting Theo so I want you to leave. If you insist on talking to me then I suggest we do it away from here.’
‘That’s fine by me, although I must point out that I have every intention of seeing Theo again.’ His expression softened as he looked at the little boy. ‘I want to get to know him, find out what he likes and dislikes.’
‘If—and it’s a big if at this stage—we reach that point then I won’t stand in your way if I think it’s best for Theo. However, I won’t allow you to bulldoze me into doing what you want, Ben. It’s Theo I’m concerned about, not you or what you want.’
‘Which is how it should be.’
He stepped away from the door, the sun striking sparks off his black hair. Emily felt her breath catch as she was suddenly reminded of the first time she had seen him. It had been the summer then too and he’d been sitting on the harbour wall, watching the fishing boats unloading their catch. Tom had arranged for him to stay with Simon and Ros while he recuperated from some bug he’d caught whilst working overseas and his skin had been pale beneath its natural olive tan, his dark eyes slightly sunken, but he’d still been the most attractive man she had ever seen. She had recently ended a relationship and had returned to Bride’s Bay where she had grown up to start afresh, never expecting that she would meet someone like him.
They had started talking, inconsequential chatter about the weather, and things had progressed from there. Within a week they’d become lovers; by the end of a month she had known she was in love with him. Maybe that was why it had turned out so badly, she thought. It had happened too fast, the emotions they’d felt—or what she’d thought they had felt—had been too fierce. However, Emily knew that she would never experience anything like it again, that no matter who she met in the future she would
never feel for him even a fraction of what she had felt for Ben during that brief glorious summer.
Her heart ached as she watched him drive away. It felt as though all the wonderful memories of that time they’d had together had gone with him. Maybe it had been foolish to hold them in her heart after what had happened but she’d never quite been able to erase them. She had drawn comfort from remembering how much fun they’d had and how wonderful their lovemaking had been. Now they were gone and in their place there was an emptiness that it would be impossible to fill.
Ben had never loved her. He had never truly cared about her. Not even a million memories of sunny days and laughter could make up for those cold, hard facts.
Ben drove back to Tom and Hannah’s house, aware that he hadn’t handled the situation well. He’d been determined to get things sorted out but he had achieved very little. So Emily had agreed that she would allow him to see Theo but only as long as she felt it was in the child’s best interests. Although Ben knew she was right to take such a stance, he could feel his frustration mounting. It could take years before she allowed him proper access to the child, years neither he nor Theo could afford to lose. He needed to convince her that Theo would benefit from having him around and he needed to do it fast!
He let himself into the cottage, doing his best to fix a cheerful expression to his face. However, Tom took one look at him when he walked into the garden and rolled his eyes.
‘Hmm, you don’t look too happy. Do I take it that you’ve been to see Emily?’
‘How did you guess?’ Ben dropped into a deck chair and sighed. ‘She didn’t exactly welcome me with open arms, shall we say.’
‘And do you blame her?’
Tom’s tone was acerbic and Ben laughed shortly. ‘You don’t pull your punches, mon ami.’
‘I’m a realist. Oh, I know you had your reasons for believing that Emily was telling you a pack of lies, but it must have been truly awful for her. She’s not going to forgive or forget what you did overnight.’
‘Non. And that’s what worries me.’ Ben shrugged when Tom looked at him. ‘I don’t want to wait years to get to know my son. He needs me now, not when Emily decides the time is right.’
‘We understand how you feel but you can’t rush these things, Ben,’ Hannah put in gently. ‘Look at it from Emily’s point of view. You hurt her—badly. Why should she let you back into her life when you may very well hurt Theo as well?’
‘Impossible!’ Ben reared up in the chair, stung by the accusation. ‘I would never, ever hurt that child!’
‘You know that but Emily doesn’t.’ Hannah held up her hand when he went to protest. ‘She only has past events to go on and, let’s face it, you didn’t exactly cover yourself in glory, did you?’
‘No. I didn’t.’ Ben subsided into the chair. ‘I never even considered the fact that she might be telling me the truth. I just assumed she was using me.’ He shrugged, hoping it wasn’t apparent how much it had hurt to think that. He had truly believed that Emily had felt something for him, so to discover that he’d been merely a means to an end had been unbearably painful.
‘And now you know that she wasn’t using you,’ Tom said bluntly. ‘She was telling you the truth.’
‘Yes.’
Ben stood up, too wound up to sit there while they discussed the matter. Little Charlie was playing in his sandpit and he wandered over to him, kneeling down so he could help the child fill his bucket with sand. Would he get the chance to play like this with Theo? he wondered. He hoped so, hoped he could persuade Emily to see sense and not make him wait too long. He was due back at the clinic next week which gave him just five days to convince her. It wasn’t very long yet he had a feeling that if he couldn’t do it in that time, he never would. He had to make Emily see that he could be trusted, that despite how he’d behaved in the past, he would never let her and Theo down.
He stood up, feeling a sudden unease run through him. When had it become as important to be there for Emily as it was to be there for his son? He wasn’t sure but he could no longer separate the two. They were locked together in his mind and he wanted to take care of both of them.
If Emily would let him.
* * *
Tuesday arrived bringing with it the start of the working week after the bank holiday hiatus. Emily dropped Theo at nursery and headed to the surgery. The weather had changed that day and there were dark clouds scudding across the sky when she let herself in. Lizzie had the kettle on and she looked round when Emily appeared.
‘I take it you’d like a cuppa?’
‘Please.’ Emily shed her jacket and shivered. ‘It’s a bit chilly this morning, isn’t it?’
‘It is, although I don’t suppose we can grumble after the weekend we had.’ Lizzie handed her a mug and grinned at her. ‘Have you seen Ben? He was at Tom and Hannah’s barbecue on Saturday night. He looked great, too, miles better than the last time I saw him.’
‘Hmm, yes, I’ve seen him,’ Emily mumbled, using her tea as an excuse not to say anything else.
Ben had been constantly on her mind. The thought of him having had cancer had hit her hard, far harder than she would have expected. She kept thinking about how awful it must have been for him to know that his life was hanging in the balance. Although he had said that it had been treated successfully, she wasn’t sure if that meant he had been cured or was in remission. She shivered. That was another thought that had played on her mind. What would happen if the cancer returned? Was there more treatment he could have?
‘Of course you have! Tom mentioned something about them using your house as a base when they were looking for that couple who went missing,’ Lizzie said happily, oblivious to any undercurrents. ‘I saw Mitch Johnson on my way in and he’d been to the hospital to see them. The chap’s on the mend apparently, which is good news.’
‘It is,’ Emily agreed then glanced round when she heard footsteps crossing Reception. ‘It’s a bit early for people to be arriving,’ she began then stopped when Ben appeared.
‘Good morning. I hope I’m not disturbing you.’ He smiled at them but Emily could sense a certain tension about him which immediately put her on her guard.
‘Simon’s not come through from the house yet,’ she informed him sharply. ‘Go on through. I’m sure he’ll be pleased to see you.’
‘He knows I’m coming.’ He shrugged, his broad shoulders moving lightly beneath the thin cotton shirt.
Emily looked away when she felt her stomach give a familiar little lurch. Ben had always had this effect on her right from the beginning. All it took was the slightest gesture, the lightest touch, and she responded. Whilst that may have been acceptable three years ago, it certainly wasn’t something she relished now.
‘Really?’ she replied coolly, so coolly that she saw Lizzie look at her in surprise.
‘Oui. We arranged it on Saturday at the barbecue.’ Ben’s tone was equally cool but there was an undercurrent to it that made her heart race. She had a feeling that she wasn’t going to like where this was leading, yet she was powerless to stop it.
‘Simon was telling me about this new health centre they’re building and the problems he’s had finding the time to meet with the architects, etcetera.’ He smiled faintly. ‘I understand how difficult it is because I went through the same thing when we were building the clinic in Paris. There was never enough time to fit everything in.’
‘This is all very interesting but I really do need to get on.’ Emily put down her cup, ignoring Lizzie’s gasp. Maybe she was being rude but there was no way that she could stand there any longer. Just being around Ben was a big enough strain but to have to make conversation as well...
‘Of course. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hold you up.’ Another smile drifted her way although there was little warmth in it and she shivered. ‘I just wanted you to know that I
shall be working here for the next few days. It will give Simon a breathing space so that he can catch up.’
‘What!’ Emily exclaimed. ‘You’re going to be working here?’
‘Oui. It’s the least I can do after everything he and Ros did for me three years ago.’ His voice dropped, sounding so rich and deep that the tiny hairs all over her body stood to attention. ‘My life would have turned out very differently if they hadn’t invited me to stay with them. It is strange how these things work out, isn’t it, Emily?’
CHAPTER FIVE
‘IT’S impetigo, Mrs Barnes. It’s highly contagious so I’m afraid you will have to keep Josh off school until it clears up.’ Ben smiled soothingly at the woman seated in front of the desk but staying calm obviously wasn’t on her agenda.
‘Off school? But he only goes back tomorrow after the summer holidays!’ Maxine Barnes glared at the unhappy seven-year-old. The area around his nose and mouth was a mass of tiny, weeping blisters. ‘Now see what you’ve done? I told you to stop picking your nose, didn’t I?’
Ben bit back a sigh when the child started to cry. Some people really shouldn’t have children, he thought, as he passed a box of tissues across the desk. The thought reminded him of Theo and he felt his heart lift. Maybe he shouldn’t have been able to father a child but he wasn’t sorry it had happened, despite the problems.
‘It isn’t Josh’s fault, Mrs Barnes. The bacteria that cause impetigo enter the skin through a cut or a cold sore, or even a patch of eczema. It’s very easy for a child to catch it.’
‘Hmph.’ Maxine Barnes didn’t look convinced and he didn’t try to persuade her. He printed out a script for antibiotics and handed it to her.
‘This should clear it up. Use the cream three times a day and wash off any loose crusts with soap and water. It’s highly contagious, as I said, so Josh will need his own towel and face flannel. They will need to be boiled after they’ve been used as will his bedding to avoid passing on the infection. Have you any more children at home?’
The Son That Changed His Life Page 4