When Theo nodded, she went to the fridge and took out a pot of his favourite raspberry dessert. She placed it in front of him then glanced at Ben, feeling the colour run up her cheeks when she discovered that he was watching her. ‘I’m afraid I haven’t made a pudding for us. There’s cheese or fruit though if you’d like some.’
‘Nothing for me, thank you. That chicken was delicious and so were the vegetables. I haven’t tasted any as fresh for ages.’
‘We have my mother to thank for them. Mum keeps me well stocked with fruit and veg,’ she explained, switching on the kettle to make coffee. Just because Ben had been watching her, it didn’t mean anything.
‘She’s a keen gardener, I take it?’
‘You could say that.’ Emily laughed, glad of the distraction. She had to stop being so aware of Ben and treat him like everyone else. ‘She takes first prize for her vegetables at the county show most years. Nobody else gets a look-in!’
‘It must be rather disheartening for them,’ he said with a smile.
‘I’m sure it is.’
‘Your parents have a farm, don’t they?’
‘That’s right. It’s mainly dairy, although they’ve had to diversify in the past few years and not just rely on the milk yield. They make their own cheeses now and have started to produce yoghurt as well. That’s one of theirs that Theo is eating, in fact.’
‘A lot of farmers in France have had to branch out. More and more have set up their own businesses to boost their income.’
‘It was the same for Mum and Dad. The supermarkets have squeezed every penny of profit out of milk production. Dad was starting to wonder if he’d have to give up farming when Mum persuaded him to let her try her hand at making cheese.’ She shrugged. ‘Fortunately, it took off almost immediately and now that side of the business generates the most profit.’
‘It would have been awful if they’d had to leave the farm,’ Ben said sympathetically.
‘It would. There’s been Jacksons farming in this area for the past six generations.’
‘Do you think Theo will continue the trend?’
Emily laughed. ‘It’s a bit early to say although I have to admit that he adores helping out around the farm. Feeding the chickens is one of his favourite things. It’s definitely a close second to playing with his cars!’
Ben laughed as well, his handsome face lighting up in a way that made her breath catch. Emily turned away, busying herself with making their coffee. Ben was Theo’s father and that was all, she reminded herself as she carried the pot over to the table. That he was a very attractive man was neither here nor there. Theo had finished his yoghurt so she wiped his mouth and lifted him down from the table.
‘Go and play with your new car, darling, while Ben and I drink our coffee. We won’t be long.’
Ben smiled as he watched the little boy hurry out of the room. ‘He’s no trouble, is he?’
‘Oh, he has his moments, believe me,’ Emily warned him, pouring coffee for them both. She passed the sugar bowl across the table then sat down. Ben spooned some sugar into his cup then glanced up.
‘It can’t have been easy for you, Emily. Looking after a child and working is a lot to cope with.’
‘My parents helped. I couldn’t have managed if they hadn’t been so supportive, especially in the beginning.’
Ben’s expression darkened. ‘It should have been me helping you.’
‘I thought we agreed that it was pointless dwelling on the past.’ She sighed when he shook his head. ‘I managed, Ben, so please stop beating yourself up because you weren’t around.’
‘I suppose you’re right,’ he conceded. ‘But it still doesn’t make me feel good to know what a hard time you must have had.’
‘Forget it. It’s what happens from now on that matters,’ she told him, realising with a start that it was true. It was as though all the hurt and anger had disappeared and all she could think about now was how to make things right for Theo and Ben. She’d had such a happy childhood herself and she wanted the same for her son. She was convinced that Theo would only benefit from having both his mother and his father around while he was growing up.
‘Obviously, I want to get to know Theo,’ Ben said slowly.
Emily frowned when she heard the note of caution in his voice. Surely he wasn’t having second thoughts, was he? ‘But?’ she challenged him. ‘I get the distinct impression there was a but tagged onto the end of that statement.’
‘Not really.’ He shrugged. ‘I just don’t want Theo to get hurt.’
‘There’s no reason why he should. After all, as far as Theo is concerned you’re just a friend of mine.’
‘So you don’t plan on telling him that I’m his father?’
‘Not yet—no. He’s only just met you, Ben. He would find it too confusing if I tried to explain that you’re his daddy.’
‘I see. Well, obviously, I’ll be guided by you. You know him far better than I do.’
She’d expected him to protest and frowned when he accepted her decision without question. Once again the thought that he was holding back rose to her mind and she knew that she had to find out if she was right. If Ben wasn’t committed to making this work then she wasn’t prepared to risk upsetting Theo simply to satisfy a whim.
‘You are sure this is what you want? If you aren’t, Ben, then I’d prefer it if you told me now rather than let the situation progress any further.’
Ben took a deep breath. He knew that if he admitted he had doubts it could alter everything. However, if he didn’t tell her, he would be guilty of lying by default and he couldn’t bear to do that, to mislead her after everything else that had happened. ‘Yes, it’s what I want. I want to be a proper father to Theo more than anything. However, it may not be possible.’
‘I don’t understand.’ She looked at him in confusion. ‘If you’re as committed to making this work as you claim then what’s the problem?’
‘The problem is that I have no idea how long I’m going to be around.’ He sighed when she looked blankly at him. It wasn’t easy to put his fears into words but now that he’d got this far, he had to explain. ‘What if the cancer comes back, Emily? What if it can’t be treated next time? How would it affect Theo if I died?’
CHAPTER NINE
BEN could feel his heart pounding. Thump, thump, thump, it went, as though someone was banging a drum. Emily was just sitting there as though frozen with shock and he wished with all his heart that he hadn’t told her about his concerns, but how could he not have done so? She deserved to know the truth and if it meant that she changed her mind about letting him get to know Theo, he would have to accept it.
‘I never thought...’ She stopped and his stomach knotted in agony for causing her even more distress. She had been through enough thanks to him without him making her life even more complicated.
He stood up abruptly, knowing that he had to do the honourable thing. It had been wrong to think he could step into Theo’s life, wrong and selfish. It was obvious from what he had seen that Theo was a happy and contented child, and why shouldn’t he be? He had everything he could possibly need—a mother who adored him plus other family members who loved and cared about him. He didn’t need a father, or at least he didn’t need one who might end up letting him down!
‘I’m sorry, Emily, I should never have started this. It’s obvious that Theo doesn’t need me in his life, especially when I could end up hurting him.’ He pushed his chair under the table. ‘Obviously, I’ll make arrangements to contribute towards his upkeep...’
‘I don’t want your money, Ben!’
She shot to her feet, her eyes blazing, and his stomach sank that bit more. He was trying his hardest not to make matters worse, but even his best efforts weren’t good enough, he feared.
‘It’s only fair that
I pay towards the cost of raising him,’ he said flatly, trying not to let his emotions get in the way, not an easy task when he seemed to be awash with them. He didn’t want to do this, couldn’t bear to imagine how empty his life was going to be without Emily and Theo. It may only have been a few days since he’d realised that Theo was his son but even in that short time the child had become vitally important to him...as important as Emily was, in fact.
‘Fair? What’s fair about you running out on him? What’s fair about you refusing to be a real father to him?’ She rounded the table and glared at him. ‘Theo doesn’t need your money any more than I do. We manage extremely well, thank you very much.’
‘In that case, I shall arrange some sort of trust fund for when he’s older.’ Even though he would have dearly loved to argue the point, Ben couldn’t. His head was already reeling as he tried to deal with the thought of how important Emily was to him. Cutting himself off from her would be as big a wrench as cutting himself off from Theo.
‘Fine. You do that. But don’t be surprised if Theo tells you thanks, but no thanks.’ Her anger seemed to have increased, if anything. ‘I doubt he’ll be your number one fan after I tell him that you were too scared to be a proper father to him.’
Ben felt frustration pour through his veins. Why wouldn’t she accept that it was the only thing he could do? Why did she have to make it even more difficult? ‘I am not doing this because I’m scared.’
‘No?’
The scorn in her voice whipped at nerves which were already raw and he glared at her. ‘No. I’m doing this because it’s the right thing to do, the sensible thing.’
‘Oh, really?’ She laughed harshly. ‘Your idea of what makes sense is very different from mine, is all I can say. How sensible is it to change your mind about getting to know Theo because you’re suddenly having cold feet?’
‘It’s rather more than a case of cold feet, Emily, as you very well know.’ His tone was icy now, but it didn’t cool her anger.
‘I disagree. If you really wanted to be a proper father to Theo then you wouldn’t allow anything to deter you. You’re using your illness as a cop-out, Ben, and that’s the truth.’
‘I’m not familiar with the term, although I can guess what it means.’ He stared coldly back at her, relieved to be in control once more. ‘I will not be responsible for hurting Theo. That’s what it all comes down to, Emily, whether you choose to believe me or not.’
‘Which I don’t.’ She turned away but not before he’d seen the tears in her eyes, and his hard-won control shattered once more.
‘I don’t want to fight with you. It’s the last thing I want.’
‘Then change your mind.’ She swung round. ‘Don’t cut yourself off like this, Ben. It isn’t right, not for you or for Theo or...or for me.’
‘I can’t see how it will make any difference to you, Emily. In fact, I imagine it will make your life a lot simpler if I leave.’
‘That’s where you’re wrong. Despite what you think, Theo needs a father. He needs you, Ben.’ Her voice caught. ‘I need you too.’
‘You do?’ Ben could feel it starting again, feel that crazy drumbeat pounding inside his chest. He took a step towards her then stopped, afraid that he would do something stupid if he got too close.
‘Yes.’ She bit her lip then continued in a rush. ‘Oh, I know I’ve spent the last three years hating your guts, but now I know the truth about why you behaved the way you did, everything has changed. I want you to stay here and help me raise our son.’
‘Because it’s too big a task to do it all by yourself?’ he suggested roughly, unconsciously taking another step.
‘No. Because Theo needs both of us.’ She looked up and the pounding seemed to reach a crescendo when he saw the expression on her face. Not even in his wildest dreams had he expected to see Emily look at him again with such longing in her eyes. ‘And because I need you too.’
The words were barely out of her mouth before she was in his arms. Ben crushed her against him and it felt like a homecoming. When he held her in his arms, he felt safe, safe and in control of his life, which was the craziest thought of all bearing in mind that every cell in his body was running riot.
‘Emily, I...’ He started to speak and stopped. All of a sudden words weren’t enough, certainly not enough to explain how he felt. Bending, he pressed his mouth to hers and let his lips tell her exactly what he wanted her to hear. Every nuance was there in the kiss, every syllable that couldn’t be uttered. He hadn’t understood how deeply he’d felt until that moment and it was a revelation to realise that he still wanted her, still ached for her; that he still loved her.
She drew back and he could see the confusion on her face and understood. He had never told her how he’d felt three years ago. Hell, he hadn’t even admitted to himself that he had loved her! Living in the shadow of cancer had made him deny his feelings; he’d been too afraid of the consequences to face the truth. Now he could no longer hold back. He loved her and he always would. Maybe it was discovering that he had a child that had unlocked his emotions—he wasn’t sure. But he could no longer pretend even if it was a shock for her. After all, Emily had spent the last three years hating him. To suddenly discover that he loved her must be hard to accept. Tenderness welled up inside him as he kissed her softly on the mouth.
‘I’m sorry, Emily. I know this must be a shock for you.’
‘It is. I never expected...’ She stopped and he knew that she was afraid to say out loud what was in her head.
‘That I loved you?’ He kissed her again and smiled. ‘If it’s any consolation, it was a shock for me too. I had no idea how I really felt until a few seconds ago.’
‘Didn’t you?’ she whispered.
‘No. I honestly thought I was over you, that any feelings I’d had for you had died, but I was wrong.’ He held her face between his hands. ‘I love you, Emily. I know I shouldn’t tell you that after everything I’ve done, but it’s true. I love you.’
‘I love you too.’ She took a quick breath and he saw the dawning understanding on her face. ‘I love you, Ben. I didn’t think I did but I do!’
Reaching up, she kissed him and he felt her tremble. His arms tightened around her because he understood how overwhelmed she felt. He’d spent the last three years denying his feelings too and it was a shock to discover that they loved each other. Now they had to decide what they were going to do and if they had a future together.
The thought was like a blast of ice cold air. Ben shivered as he abruptly let her go. How had he allowed himself to forget that he might not have a future? Pain ran through him. Maybe they did love each other but it wasn’t a guarantee that they’d live happily ever after.
‘Ben? What is it? What’s wrong?’
The alarm in her voice made him hate himself even more. Hadn’t he done enough by running out on her when she’d needed him without adding this? He shook his head, knowing that he couldn’t allow the situation to deteriorate any further.
‘Nothing. I just don’t think we should rush things.’
‘Not rush things?’ she repeated incredulously. ‘We’ve spent the last three years apart and now we’ve realised that we love each other. I don’t think anyone would blame us for rushing things!’
‘Maybe not but we need to think everything through first.’
‘This has all to do with your cancer returning, hasn’t it?’
Ben flinched when he heard the fear in her voice. He couldn’t bear to know that he was responsible for it. ‘We have to face facts, Emily, and the most important fact of all is that I can’t promise to be here for you for ever.’
‘Nobody can promise that,’ she said, her voice catching. ‘If we’re facing facts, then I can’t promise to be here for ever for you, either, Ben.’
He sighed. ‘It’s not the same. The chances
of something happening to you are far less than they are of it happening to me.’ He held up his hand when she went to speak. ‘It’s true, Emily. At the moment I am free of cancer and have been for the past five years. To all effects, I’m cured but there’s always a chance that I could relapse at some point. I know what it did to my parents when I was ill—how they suffered—and I don’t want you and Theo to have to go through all that.’
‘I understand that, but you may not relapse. You could remain fit and healthy.’ She caught hold of his hands, holding them tightly in hers as though she could convince by touch. ‘Don’t cut us out of your life because of something that may never happen, Ben. It’s crazy to do that.’
Ben didn’t know what to do. He wanted to believe what she was saying, but the doubts were too deeply entrenched. There was just no guarantee that the cancer wouldn’t return. It might not be this week, this month, or this year even, but it could happen. The thought of putting her through that sort of heartache was more than he could stand, so it was a relief when Theo appeared, holding his new car. He showed it to Ben and smiled.
‘Come and play, Ben.’
Emily fixed a smile to her mouth as she released him and turned to the little boy. ‘Why don’t you fetch some more of your cars downstairs, darling, then you and Ben can have a proper game?’
Theo nodded happily as he turned and ran back down the hall. Ben watched him go with an ache in his heart the size of a mountain. If he did the right thing and walked away, this might be the only chance he got to spend time with his son.
‘Go on through to the sitting room. Theo won’t be long.’
Emily whisked the plates off the table. Turning on the tap, she filled the bowl with water. Ben hesitated, wanting to say something to make her feel better, but there wasn’t anything he could think of. He made his way to the sitting room, forcing himself to smile when Theo came charging in with a shoebox full of toy cars. He tipped them onto the rug then looked expectantly up at him.
‘Shall we play races?’ Ben suggested, crouching down. He took a bright blue car out of the pile and, with the addition of appropriate engine noises, propelled it across the rug. Theo laughed as he picked up his new car and sent it hurtling after Ben’s. The resulting crash had him chortling in delight and Ben smiled sadly. He didn’t want this to be a one-off. He wanted to play with Theo night after night but would it be right? Would it be fair? Until he was sure about what he was doing, he had to hold back.
The Son That Changed His Life Page 8