She put the cans of corn and beans in the cupboard.
“If you read my papers I think I said it all. I’m ending our marriage.”
She almost smiled in relief at how calm she sounded, but she didn’t feel like smiling. She felt like crying.
“Why?”
No outburst, no argument, just one quiet word.
Caitlin turned to him, taking a deep breath. Do or die time.
“Our marriage isn't working for me. I want more than what I have. This is nothing new. We’ve argued about the entire setup more than once. I say what I want, you say things that sound placating, then take off for another five months to someplace I’ve never heard of until it’s so common on the nightly news it becomes part of everyday life. I worry about you, but you don’t seem to worry about me. I want a family, you don’t. Zach, there are dozens of reasons to end this. I can’t think of one to keep on the way we’ve been.”
“How about love?”
“What about it? Do you love me? You have a funny way of showing it. I think you’re comfortable with me. You like having me in D.C. to keep a place for you to return to when you get stateside. But how much of a relationship do we really have? Do I know any of your co-workers? Do you know any of mine? What was I most worried about this fall? What was your happiest moment last month? We don’t know any of that, because we aren’t really a couple. We’re two people bound by a marriage license, who don’t even live in the same country most of the time.”
Zach didn’t say a word. Caitlin had thought about this long and hard and she wasn’t going to make it easy for him. Her nerves shook, but she continued to put up the groceries. Sooner or later he’d say something. She refused to be the first to break the silence. Not this time.
“You knew what my job was like before we were married,” he said at last.
“Yes and no,” she replied. She knew this would be one argument. “I knew you worked for an international news bureau. But I had no idea of the reality of that. I didn’t know until we lived it that you would be gone more than you’re home. That I’d be so lonely and yet unable to do much about it. I certainly didn’t know that when I was ready to think about a family, you wouldn’t be as excited to start as I was.”
“We never talked about having kids.”
“Aunt Sally’s death shook me up, more than I suspected at first. I want to have a family, be connected to others on the planet. We’re not getting any younger. I don’t want to be old like my parents were.”
“I thought we wanted the same thing—living in the capital, having friends, doing things the capital has to offer—”
“That’s just it, Zach, we don’t to things. Not together. We went to a concert at the Kennedy Center five years ago. Five years. Other than that, if I want to see a play or concert, I have to get Abby or another friend to go with me. What kind of marriage is that?”
His jaw clenched. Caitlin could tell he was keeping a tight leash on his emotions.
Maybe, once, she’d like to see that leash slip. To really know what he was feeling.
But Zach was too good a reporter to insert his feelings into things.
Maybe that was part of the problem--she never felt he was totally involved, but was always observing. Or getting ready to make a commentary.
“Maybe there’s room for improvement, but you don’t just throw away six years of marriage without trying to save it,” he countered.
“If you wanted this to work, you needed to do something before now. I haven’t gone anywhere. What do you suggest, quitting your job? I don’t see that. And if you don’t, you won’t be home nights, so we’re in the same loop as always.”
She folded the grocery bags, stuffed them in a cupboard and turned to leave, her knees feeling weak, her heart racing, tears on the verge. But she’d done it. She’d maintained a cool facade. He’d never know how sick she felt inside, how her heart was truly breaking.
It was pointless to argue. Nothing was going to change. Her mind was made up. One day he’d admit she’d been right. She hoped she herself felt that way!
“Wait, Caitlin. I’ll admit maybe things have been in a rut lately. But this is my career we’re talking about. It takes me where the news is. I can’t say I’ll stay in D.C. and only report on what’s happening in Washington.”
She paused at the doorway and looked back at him. “It’s more than a job, or even a career, it’s your life, Zach. Face it. You love the adrenaline rush of plunging into a war zone or daring mother nature when faced with catastrophes. A job is something you go to for a few hours a day and then go home and have a real life.”
“Someone has to report the news, Caitlin.”
“I’m not arguing that, I’m just saying I don’t want to be the person contributing to it by giving up my husband. I want a man I can rely on to be there for me.”
“I’m only a phone call away.”
“How long did it take you to get back this trip? You said you’d been up more than thirty hours. You may be a phone call away, but it took you a long time to physically get back. What if there’d been an emergency? What if I really needed you?”
“What if you do in the future? I won’t be there if we get divorced.”
Caitlin stared at him for a moment. “I want to get married again.”
Zach looked dumbfounded. Then anger flared. “There's another man?”
“Of course not. Where would I meet someone? There’s no one now, that’s the truth. But I hope to find a man who wants the same things I do—especially children. I feel I’ve wasted six years of my life hoping you’d want what I want and we could start a family. It’s never going to happen, is it, Zach? You’ll always have a dozen excuses and then be off to Beirut or Singapore or who knows where.”
“You and I need to work on things a bit more, maybe. No, wait.” He held up a hand when she started to speak. “No maybe about it. I see where you’re coming from. I can try to meet you partway, Caitlin, but to just chuck everything after all these years doesn’t make sense.”
“Only because you’re just hearing about it now. I’ve been thinking about this since you left last August. I wasn’t ready to be alone after Aunt Sally died. She was my last relative.”
“I’m a relative. I’m your husband.”
“I’m talking blood kin and you know it. I felt absolutely alone in the world. I needed you and you took off.”
“I didn’t realize that,” he said slowly.
“I came to that conclusion several weeks later,” she said, smiling sadly. “It’s because you don’t really know me anymore. I’m not the twenty-two-year-old, excited to be falling in love with a man of the world. I’m a responsible adult who's really been living on her own for most of the six years of our marriage. I’ve grown up. My goals and dreams have changed. I’ve changed.”
Zach studied her a long moment. “Maybe I have as well.”
“Maybe, but I wouldn’t know, would I?”
“I don’t want a divorce.”
“It’s not all about you anymore, Zach.”
He looked startled at that. “It was never all about me,” he said.
“Yes, it has been, but no more. I’ve made up my mind to take back my life and make it like I want.”
Caitlin turned and walked down the hall to the stairs. She’d planned to start cleaning the upstairs bedrooms today. She only had four days until Christmas, and then a week after that before she had to return to Washington. If she did one room a day, she’d be finished on time. She had to focus on that and not what might have been.
Zach followed her. “Caitlin, that kiss last night should have told you something,” he said.
She paused midway up the steps, holding on to the banister as she turned to look at him.
“Sure, sex between us has always been great. But there’s more to marriage than sex a few times a year. Don’t you get it, Zach, it’s over. I’m moving on. You can do what you want. Preferably from Washington. I think you should leave.”
“We’re not divorced yet, Caitlin. I’m staying.”
Caitlin wanted to yell at him that she didn’t want him around, that his mere proximity was disturbing, giving her ideas she had no business entertaining. She’d loved him so much, why couldn’t he have seen that and offered more than what they’d shared?
She needed to keep her goal firm and not be swayed by the dynamic presence of the man--or her lost dreams.
“I don’t want you to stay,” she said.
“I don’t want to leave. I don’t think you can physically remove me.”
Caitlin shook her head in frustration. “Of course not. Stay if you wish. Just keep out of my way.”
“What are you doing here anyway? Running from Washington?” he asked, ignoring her last comment.
“I’m planning to sort through things. See what the house needs to fix it up. I’m not sure what I want to do with it.” She started to turn back up the stairs, but continued to look at him over her shoulder. “I may move here and get a job locally.” How'd he like that bit of news?
Zach scowled and began to climb the stairs. Caitlin didn’t exactly run the rest of the way up, but she wanted to make sure she was firmly on the second floor before he could crowd her on the steps or touch her.
Or kiss her again.
She needed to make sure there was none of that to muddle her thinking or give her ideas that would fizzle to nothing as soon as the call of adventure summoned him back.
For a moment Caitlin felt a pain that almost doubled her over. She loved Zach so much, had such high plans for their lives together. And it had come to this. Trying to be civil a week before Christmas. Tears threatened again.
“Can I help?” he asked.
“You should get started if you want to get to Washington before dark,” she said.
“I’m staying, Caitlin. If you’re serious about going through with a divorce, this will be our last Christmas together.”
“Or second one, depending on how you look at it.”
Zach sighed. “You’re right and I’m sorry. I should have been home for Christmas every year.”
“That surprises me to hear. You’ve never been sentimental. Why the change of heart?”
“Getting older, I guess. Doesn’t everyone make decisions they later regret? I regret not spending more time with you. Especially in light of what you’ve just said. Don’t you know the thought of you at home kept me going when times got rough?”
Caitlin had a boatload of regrets—that things had turned out the way they had, that she had spent so many lonely years wishing Zach had been with her watching TV together instead of her watching alone for glimpses of him. Wishing she’d shared more of her dreams with him. The biggest regret was that they’d not had any children. She could have stood the empty nights better if she’d had someone to lavish her love upon.
She stepped into the spare bedroom. The curtains were dusty and closed. She pulled them open, dislodging a cascade of dust while letting in the cold winter light.
“I wish I could open the window to clear the air, but I had enough cold yesterday,” she said, surveying the furnishing.
“Do you know anything about antiques?” Zach asked, stepping close enough beside her she could feel the radiant heat from his body.
“Not much. But I can recognize good quality furnishings. I’m only keeping things I like. I thought I’d ask a couple of antique dealers to come and give me an estimate on what things are worth.”
Hoping he wouldn’t notice, she stepped to the side, putting a bit more distance between them.
“Tell them you’re doing it for insurance purposes, you’ll get a better reading,” he suggested, stepping farther into the room and trailing a finger across a dusty table.
“Good idea. Oh my, where do I start?”
“With a vacuum and dust cloth. I’ll help.”
Caitlin tilted her head slightly. “You’ll be late getting off for Washington.”
He looked at her and grinned, the expression causing her heart to skip a beat.
“I’m not going back to Washington without you. You might as well make up your mind to that. So I guess I’m here until the new year. Where are the dust cloths?”
Caitlin gave in. If the news bureau called, he’d be gone in a heartbeat. And she could use some help if other rooms looked as daunting as this one.
“As long as there’s no misunderstanding,” she cautioned.
“I’m clear on everything you’ve said,” he replied, amusement lurking in his gaze. “But that doesn’t mean I won’t try to change your mind.”
Caitlin smiled sweetly, though it took effort. “You can try. But I think you’ll find I’m not the easily impressed young girl you married.”
She didn’t want him to try. She wanted him to make things easy for her for once. But he looked as if it would take a tank to budge him, so she gave up. She'd remain strong. He’d give up once he knew she couldn't be swayed. Or a disaster happened somewhere in the world.
“I’ll get the dust cloths and vacuum,” she said, turning to escape. There was enough work to keep them both too busy all day long to talk or think. He’d get tired of housework and yearn for the excitement of a natural catastrophe or some war skirmish.
Hell of a way to spend his homecoming, Zach thought as Caitlin left to get the cleaning supplies. He pushed the curtains wider apart and was showered in dust.
He thought about the fantasies he’d daydreamed on the flight across the Atlantic--him and Caitlin in bed, only getting up for food from time to time. It didn’t look promising for that scenario coming true anytime soon. He’d have to convince her what they had was worth saving. Even if it meant making changes on his end.
He didn’t know what he’d do if she really went through with a divorce. He’d been crazy about her from the first day they met.
He loved his job, but he loved his wife more. Didn’t she know he’d love to come home every night to be with her? But unless she lived in the troubled spots of the world, that wasn’t going to happen.
How many nights had he lain awake, wishing she was there with him, just to hold, to talk to, to kiss? How many days had he taken a break from the grueling schedule and wished she’d shared the quiet afternoon, kicked back and doing nothing but being together?
Did she really think she didn’t mean everything to him?
Maybe it was selfish on his part, but he wanted her to want him, be there for him. Want to share what they could together. And for him to be enough for her without having to have others to make a family.
Caitlin returned, lugging a vacuum and two dust clothes.
“I think you need more than a vacuum to clean these curtains,” he said, slapping one. The cloud of dust almost enveloped him.
“I guess you’re right,” she said, frowning. “Can they be washed do you think?”
He looked at the material. There were spots burned by the sun. The hem looked frayed.
“I’d chuck them and get new ones.”
“Another thing to do. If you’ll take them down, I’ll go get some trash bags.”
“Let’s pile everything in the yard for the time being. We’ll see how much accumulates and then decide if we want to make a run to the dump or if the local trash company can come and pick it up,” Zach suggested.
“You’re saying you think there’ll be a lot of trash?”
“Don’t you?”
Caitlin looked around the room and shrugged. “Maybe. We’ll know better after I assess each room.”
“You’re going through every room in this place?”
“Yes.”
“Over this one holiday break?”
“You have a problem with that?” she asked, giving him a look.
“It’s Christmas, Caitlin, don’t you want to celebrate?”
“Sure, I’ll take Christmas Day off.”
The last several years she’d spent the day with Abby and her family. Wouldn’t she want to decorate and all this year he wondered.
“You’ll need decorations,” he said.
“Give me a break, Zach. When did you ever care about decorating for Christmas?”
“The year we shared it in Washington.”
He could tell she remembered. She looked away with sadness. He should have come home for the holidays each year. He could have found a way. Regret began to eat at him for the lost opportunities. All the more reason to make this one special. To find a way to change her mind.
For a moment a touch of panic swept through him.
What if he was unable to change her mind?
“Whatever. If we get through this room today, I’ll look for Aunt Sally’s decorations. Funny, I never spent a Christmas with her. I only came in the summers. I wonder if she was lonely on Christmas. She didn’t come to visit us. What did she do all those holidays?”
“What will you do over the holidays if we’re not married?” he asked. Maybe thinking like a single person would give her a better picture of what life would be. He hoped she hated it.
“Visit with Abby like the last four, I guess,” she replied. “Until I meet someone else to marry. Then we’ll establish our own Christmas traditions.”
He frowned and yanked on the curtains. They ripped at the top and came tumbling down. The dust made him cough. Served him right for letting his temper take control. He was usually cool under trying circumstances.
The thought of Caitlin with someone else, however, made him see red. She was his wife. She loved him, he knew she did. He just had to get her to see that she wouldn’t be happy with anyone else.
He wasn’t giving up on their marriage!
She began opening drawers in the dresser as he bundled the curtains up. Heading for the door, he hoped being outside for a few minutes would cool his temper and give him some insight in how to get Caitlin off the idea of divorce and back into his arms.
Two hours later they were almost finished. Zach was working on the windows, the outside could stand cleaning as well, but he’d need a ladder for that. The room sparkled. The dresser had held little. The closet was empty. The room had obviously been a little-used guest room.
He glanced at Caitlin, remembering the slinky nightie he’d picked up in Paris. He had planned to give it to her on Christmas Day and then have her model it for him.
The Christmas Locket Page 3