by Maria Monroe
"He's been nice to me," I say lamely.
"He's nice to them all. Until he's not."
I sigh. It isn't easy hearing, once again, what I've suspected for so long, that Julian isn't exactly boyfriend material. Not for me. Not for anyone.
"Vanessa, what I'm most worried about is you. I know you hate it when girls try to be your friend to get to Julian. I want you to know that's not what I was doing. I sort of had a crush on him from class, and then I met you, and I had no idea you were his sister."
"I know. I know you weren't using me like that. I don't like that you lied. Both of you. But mostly? I don't want you to get hurt.”
"I'm sorry I lied to you." I'm not sure how to respond to the other part, the part about how he'll undoubtedly hurt me someday. The truth is that I'm worried about getting hurt too, and I've seen at least a glimpse of the way he treats other girls. What makes me think it won't be the same for me? What makes me think he won't dump me as soon as the novelty of the freshman virgin wears off? Am I being naive?
"I'm not going to tell you not to date my brother. Or whatever it is you guys are doing," she says, and I turn bright red. Thankfully she doesn't mention it. "But I'm going to kill him if he hurts you. And I told him that. And when we're all together hanging out? I don't want to see you guys sucking face or feeling each other up."
"Vanessa!"
"And at night? I don't want to hear . . . "
"Oh my god, Vanessa, I promise." I'm still blushing furiously, and Vanessa laughs.
"But Lia, please be careful. My best advice to you is to get away from Julian. Just . . . stop with him. Before it's too late. But I get the feeling that's not what you want, and I'm not foolish enough to think I can be friends with both of you and have my way."
"I'm so sorry," I say again, but I'm flooded with relief that she's not mad, or at least if she is, it's an anger she can get over. She still likes me!
"Come here," she says, and she pulls me into a hug, and I’m enveloped by her scent, a combination of vanilla and patchouli. When she lets go, she looks into my eyes. "Don't get hurt."
"I'll try not to."
"Good." She looks at her watch. "Julian will probably be back soon. And I'm not ready to see you two together yet. So . . . "
"You're kicking me out?"
"I am," she says with a laugh. "But why don't you come over tonight? We'll have some drinks, watch a movie?"
"Really?" If I was relieved before, I'm even more so now
She nods, and I grin as I head to the door.
***
We're watching Clueless, because despite the fact that it's really old, both Vanessa and I love it and easily outvote Julian on the Bob Marley documentary he wants to watch. Vanessa serves us glasses of wine in Mason jars, and we laugh and talk through the movie, which we've both seen a million times. Vanessa and I agree that Cher’s wardrobe app and multitude of outfits would be ridiculously cool to have.
It's starting to feel normal, or at least not completely awkward, though sitting so far away from Julian—we're in arm chairs on either side of the couch—seems forced. Every time I glance at him he's staring at me, and the heat in his eyes is impossible to ignore. I try to focus on the movie, but really what I'm remembering is the last time we were here alone, on the couch, seconds away from sleeping together, my very first time ever. The knowledge that it almost happened—and that's it's going to happen again, but this time for real—sends shivers all up and down my spine.
When the movie's over Vanessa says she's going to bed and gives us a wary look. "You two," she says, her glance moving between Julian and me. "I don't really want to hear . . . you know . . . "
Oh god! The near mention, out loud, of my relationship with Julian is embarrassing. Julian remains cool, though, and smirks at his sister. "I'm just going to walk Lia back to her dorm. Do we need a chaperone?"
"Dork," says Vanessa with a laugh, then she turns to me. "Be careful." Her voice is both loving and full of warning.
"I'll take care of her," says Julian.
"That's what I'm worried about," mutters Vanessa as she leaves the room.
"You ready?" asks Julian, and I put on my coat. Like usual, he pulls on his hoodie, even though it's wintery outside, and I wonder why he doesn't bother with a warmer coat.
"Aren't you going to be cold?" I ask.
"I'll have you to keep me warm," he replies with a wink, and I roll my eyes at him.
"Come on," he says, and we head out into the cold dark night, my hand in his.
Outside my dorm building, he pulls me toward the side of the building, where we're somewhat sheltered from the wind and the prying night lights, pushing me up against the brick. His body blocks me from the cold, and I feel every part of me responding to him, feel myself growing warm despite the bitter air around us.
"Lia, I missed you so much," he growls into my ear, biting it gently as he moves his mouth to mine, kissing me gently. He pulls back and stares into my eyes. "Do you know what I thought about every single second that I was home during Thanksgiving break?"
"What?" My voice is a whisper into the cold air.
"About how it would have felt if we hadn't been interrupted the night before vacation. About how close we were. About being all the way inside of you."
"Mmm," I murmur.
"Did you think about it too?"
I nod.
"Lia. Say it."
"I thought about it too." I press my body against his both for warmth and because the need for him is almost uncontrollable. "I thought about how it would feel the first second you were inside me. About how it would hurt, but in a good way. About how I know I would love it. It's all I think about, Julian."
He groans, then kisses me hard, our mouths eager and hungry.
"I can't wait. I don't want to wait, Julian," I whisper, running a hand down his stomach, feeling how hard he is through his jeans. I think about what it would feel like if we could do it right here, if I slipped off my jeans and he fucked me right against this building, but I know that's not the way I want my first time to be. Regretfully, I push him away.
"Let's go inside," I say.
He sighs, kisses me lightly, and follows me into the warm and well-lit dorm, then down the hall to my room.
"Greer will be so excited to see you," I say rolling my eyes. "She thinks you're hot."
"Oh yeah? I can barely remember what she looks like." He winks at me, and I smile back.
"She'd die if she heard you saying that," I say as I unlock the door and we go in. I shiver as I take off my coat and hang it up, rubbing my arms. "It's so cold here! And I thought Chicago was bad."
"You haven't seen anything yet," says Julian. Then, "Hey, love letter from your roommate?" He holds up a paper on my desk then reads it out loud. "Dear Lia, I'm spending the night at Danny's. Have fun with your not-boyfriend!!! See you tomorrow. Greer." He balls the note up and throws it into the trash. “Well, if this isn't a stroke of luck," he says with a grin at me. "What's a not-boyfriend anyway?"
I shrug and attempt to smile. The fact that we're here, all alone, makes me inexplicably nervous all of a sudden, even though outside, against the brick building, all I wanted was exactly this. I think Julian senses that.
"Hey," he says. "Come here." He puts his arms around me, then gently kisses me, pulling on my lower lip with his teeth as he lets go. "Don't be nervous. We're only going to do what you're comfortable with, OK?"
I nod, feeling stupid and awkward. We've practically done it already. At least we've done everything but. Why I'm so nervous now makes no sense, but I'm glad that Julian's fine with it.
"Is this OK?" he asks, kissing me again, this time harder. I open my mouth, hungry for his lips, for his tongue. I feel his hands on my lower back, pulling me closer toward him, feel how hard he already is again, pressing into me. Just that is enough to set my body on fire, heat surging between my legs, and I involuntarily grind against him. He moans a strangled laugh. "I'll take that as a yes," he whispe
rs before kissing me more, harder, our bodies moving against one another in order to feel as much as possible.
Running a hand up under my shirt he finds my nipples, already hard through my bra, then slips a hand into my bra, feeling my bare nipple with his cold fingers, teasing it until it's even harder. I moan out loud. He moves his hand to the other nipple, repeating the procedure, making me sigh, and he smiles as I do.
He pushes my shirt up, and I pull it off over my head, then reach behind me to undo my bra. He watches, his eyes darkening, and his smile fades, replaced by desire, stark and strong. Taking a step closer, he undoes the button on my jeans and slowly, so slowly, unzips them. He pulls them down, kneeling in front of me as he does, and when I step out of them he gently pushes my thighs apart so I stand in front of him in nothing but my panties, legs spread slightly.
He licks his finger, then runs it up from my knee to my inner thigh. I can feel the warmth from his hand so close to my wetness, want nothing more than for him to touch me, but he takes his time, moving his hand around to touch my ass, then slipping his fingers into the back of my underwear. With one finger he traces my crack, gently stopping at my other hole so I gasp in surprise. I've never been touched there, and it's shocking, but mostly because it turns me on, something I would never had expected. He grins at my gasp, then removes his fingers from my panties and stands up.
"Lie down," he says, and I do, my entire body eager for his touch. He climbs onto the bed and kneels between my legs. "I'm going to take these off, OK?" He grabs the waist of my panties, pulling gently.
"Please," I whisper, and he pulls them down and off.
"They're wet."
I blush. "I can't help it."
"It's so hot," he mutters. "I'm going to taste you now, OK?"
"Yes," I whisper. "Are we going to . . .?" I don't know how to ask if we're going to sleep together, don't yet feel comfortable putting it into words.
"Are we going to what?" he asks, teasing me.
"You know. Um, sleep together?"
"Do you want to?"
"Yes?"
"Is that a question?"
"No."
He reaches out, touching me so gently between my legs that there's no way I could say no, even if I wanted to.
"We can't, though," he says. "I don't have any condoms with me. Unless you have some?"
"No, I don't. I’ve never, you know, done it. I don't have any."
"We have time," he says. "But I'm still going to make you come. If that’s all right with you." His voice is a whisper but I swear I can feel it as intensely as I feel his fingers touching me.
“Yes. Please,” I whisper back.
"Open your legs wider, Lia," he whispers, gently pushing them apart.
"Julian," I moan quietly, wanting so much, wanting things I probably don't even know about yet.
"You're going to taste so good," he whispers, moving between my legs and pushing them open wider. I'm so exposed, so open, and the vulnerability only makes me even more turned on. "You are so, so wet."
His tongue finds my clit, moving it in circles and he inserts a finger gently inside of me while still caressing me with his tongue. I move my hips in pleasure and desire, unable to hold back. My hands grip the sheets as he continues. The sweet sensation courses through me, intensified by the image of him between my legs. I reach out and touch his hair, grab a handful, then let go and grip the sheets again as my body starts the climb, higher and higher until I gasp and a series of moans escape from my mouth. I call out his name. He slows his movements, then slows some more until he stops, and I lie on the bed catching my breath, my entire body swathed in ecstasy.
Julian moves up and puts his arms around me, holding me from behind. He pulls the comforter up over us. "Did you like that?" he asks, the teasing in his tone letting me know he's well aware of how much I enjoyed it.
“Couldn’t you tell?” I murmur, suddenly filled with fatigue, my body growing heavy in his arms.
“I could,” he whispers. “I want to make you feel good always, Lia.”
Always. I know what he meant by the word, but it has other meanings too, bigger than right here in my dorm room bed. I try to stay rational, but my tired mind keeps circling back to forever. Right here, right now, it feels like the truth. I sigh deeply and fall asleep in Julian’s arms.
***
The next few weeks are strange and wonderful. It's like the world has suddenly cracked open and everything is more. More colorful, more fun, more interesting. I'm seeing things with new eyes, in a constant state of happiness. I have Julian. We're a couple. We walk around campus holding hands, and I can't get enough of envious eyes on me, wondering, probably, how I managed to snag the hottest guy around. But mostly I can't get enough of Julian and the knowledge that he's mine. We're officially together.
It's hard, though, to find time to be alone, and although we have hot moments in his car and at his apartment in between classes, knowing Vanessa's aware of our relationship puts me on edge; I can't relax enough to go all the way with him, at least not in stolen minutes before someone else might come in. And he's made it clear he wants to wait until we have time to relax, to be alone with no chance of interruption. He wants my first time to be right, he says, not rushed. Plus we're both busy studying for finals, so our time is spread pretty thin. It's hard to concentrate, though, knowing that soon we'll have our chance, and most of my dreams, both awake and asleep, involve Julian and the first time we'll finally sleep together.
Everything feels even more romantic with Christmas coming soon, fairy lights popping up all over campus and throughout Deerfield. People decorate outside trees, and Greer gets possibly too into the holiday spirit, stringing up lights all over our bedroom and putting a fiber optics tree in one corner. It changes colors, rotating through every color of the rainbow and as many shades of pink as you can imagine. The one damper on my brighter-than-ever mood is knowing that with the holidays comes a long break from school, and while most of the other students are looking forward to that, I'm dreading it immensely. The only thing the holiday break means to me is being away from Julian for weeks, and that's the last thing I want, especially now when we're finally officially a couple. Despite my excitement about things with Julian, and despite the impending doom of being separated for so long, I manage to focus on studying hard so I can get good grades my first semester at college.
Finals end on the twentieth of December, and my flight out isn't until the twenty-third.
"Honey, you know we can get you an earlier flight so you can come home right away," my mom says to me on the phone.
"I know," I reply. "I just want a few days to hang out with my friends."
I can hear the happiness in her voice when she says, "OK. Have fun. We miss you!" I know she's glad things are going well for me, and I feel momentarily guilty for not going home right away, and for resenting the fact that I have to go home at all.
Vanessa stops by after my last final. Greer's at Danny's dorm, spending some last minute quality time with him before break. "You know," she told me, "I have to make sure he can't get me out of his mind while we're apart." I don't ask questions about what, specifically, she intends to do to ensure that, but I have some idea what she's planning. I've been thinking the same thing about Julian, to be honest.
"Hey, Lia," says Vanessa, flopping down on my bed.
"Done with finals?"
She sighs in contentment. "Yes. Second-to-last finals ever. I'm almost done!"
I smile at her but it's forced. There's a sharp fear that comes along with her words. It's hard to pretend that things will always be like this, with me and Vanessa and Julian hanging out, and the truth is that both of them will be gone in a few short months, graduating and moving on, leaving me here at MUD. I'm not going to think about it, and about what permanent physical distance will do to my relationship with Julian, because I assume he'll be moving away. I don't think the job opportunities he'd be interested in can be found here, in such a small town.<
br />
"Are you excited to go home and see your boyfriend?" I ask, and Vanessa blushes. Vanessa, who never seems phased by anything at all. Ever.
"I am. Evan and I really got closer over Thanksgiving, and it's made being apart much easier. I mean, harder in one way, because I miss him even more. But we trust each other more, and there's just this. . . knowledge, I guess, that we're going to be together."
"Like, forever together?"
"I don't know! It feels like that. I mean, I know we're young, but he was actually talking about getting engaged at Thanksgiving time. Do not tell Julian. Nobody knows."
"Oh my god, Vanessa!" I hug her, so happy that things are going well for her. I know how hard their long-distance relationship has been during college, and seeing two people survive a relationship mostly spent apart gives me hope.
"So," she says, a coy smile on her face, "I have an early Christmas present for you."
"Oh." I have nothing for her yet! I was planning to find something in the campus bookstore but haven't had a chance yet. "I don't . . . "
"It's not a big deal. Or maybe it is," she says grinning. "I'm leaving early. This afternoon. And I'll be gone until after break. This time? I promise I won't come barging in on you and Julian."
I blush, my cheeks so hot, and Vanessa laughs at me.
"Vanessa, I'm not . . . I'm sorry about last time."
"You don't have to be. I'm sorry I was so mad about it. I was being really immature. I was just shocked, you know? And I felt bad that you guys had hidden it from me and lied. But I'm over it. The truth? I've never seen Julian like this before. Like, he really likes you." She sounds amazed as she says it.
"I like him too," I mumble, looking down at my lap.
"I know you do," she says softly. "And I'm still worried that you're going to get hurt. It's pretty much inevitable in your first college relationship, and I know you don't have much experience from before."