by Lacey Black
“No. Relationships between contestants are fine. Something about ratings gold. Everyone likes a little drama, right? But the coaches are off limits.”
“That’s too bad because Beau Tanner should definitely not be off limits.”
Right? There’s no way in hell I can tell her about his starring roll in my dirty dreams lately. Lord knows what she’d do with that TMI. “So, tell me more about this behind-the-scenes garbage,” I say, looking for a subtle subject change, and for the next fifteen minutes, she recalls all the behind-the-scenes drama that I’ve been missing including a few catfights and an affair between a young male contestant and an older female. She asked about the Shawna situation since she caught a few minutes of the “after.” After agreeing to talk again soon, I signed off and jumped in the shower.
Very early in the morning as the sun threatens to peek over the mountaintops, I still can’t sleep or stop thinking about what Tiff said about Beau. Does he really watch me when he thinks no one is looking? There are other women here who are much better looking than I am. Take Shawna for instance. You know that someday she’s going to grace the pages of Country Weekly, wrapped in the arms of some gorgeous actor, model, or professional football player. She’s stunning. Hell, even the young Bobbsey Twins are gorgeous. Sure they’re barely legal, but when has that stopped a man with money, power, and influence?
Finally, I can’t take it any longer and I fire up my laptop. With the few clicks of the mouse, I’m bringing up the Rising Star website and clicking the Behind the Scenes link. There are tons of daily videos posted, all right there for any Tom, Dick, or Harry to watch. I try not to dwell on the creepy thought as I click on a link titled, “Rehearsals.” I pay no attention to the ones that don’t mention my name. At the first one mentioning me, I click the link.
The video loads quickly and I instantly hear the sound of my voice filling my hotel room. The position of the camera is at the far wall smack in the middle between where I am standing and where Beau is sitting on his stool. It’s the latest rehearsal. I’m singing the last series of lines. My eyes are closed and my hands move as if punctuating each note, each word of the song.
That’s when I finally look over to Beau. He sits statue-still and his gray eyes look almost black from the distance of the camera. They appear dark and stormy as he watches me sing. But it’s the unspoken emotions that flint across his face and those eyes that are the most startling. Lust. Desire. Want.
Holy shit, Tiffany might have been right.
I click on each video with my name above it and am drawn into our rehearsals, reliving them as if it were the first time, watching with fresh, new eyes. Each one is much of the same. Beau smiles at me so naturally and so easily. We talk and discuss music like old friends, practicing new ways to liven up whatever song I’m singing. After I watch every single one with my name on it, including the one Tiffany referred to about his touch, I click on the first video with Shawna. I watch for several seconds, waiting for those same emotions to cross Beau’s face. But they never come.
Video after video, I watch, waiting for a reaction to those other girls. Younger girls, skinnier girls, girls with bigger boobs. Girls who practically offer themselves up on a platter like a Thanksgiving Day turkey. But I never see it. I never see him give them a second glance, and believe me, I look. The smiles are friendly, but not open. The gazes are assessing, but not all-consuming. The words are helpful, but not personal. Beau is completely different with everyone else.
Everyone but me.
*****
“This is our week for team performances, so in addition to your individual practices, we’ll have a few scheduled team practices,” Beau says at large to his final team of four. Me, Ben, Chelsea, and Maxwell, who was Beau’s pick from the cast offs last night.
After Team Felix and JoJo performed, the four coaches each picked one contestant from the sea of cast offs to fill their final spot. They drew numbers to determine their picking order. I was pleasantly surprised to see Troy picked up on Team Felix and cheered harder than anyone else when Felix called his name. What I was least surprised about, but even less excited for, was that Shawna, AKA Dramatic Barbie, was picked up on Team Sophia. Girl power or something like that.
“We’ll have a quick practice this mornin’ before I have to catch a flight, but I’ll be back on Sunday mid-afternoon. I want to have a lengthy practice on Sunday and Monday night to nail down our team performance. We’ll be singin’ ‘Love Shack’ by the B-52’s.”
We all give a little cheer, unable to control our excitement of singing the iconic B-52’s song.
“Here are the music sheets for everyone. I’ve made indications so everyone can start to learn their parts. I picked a fun song because I want y’all to just have fun with it. There’s no votes, no comments on this one. It’s just us all havin’ a good time together,” Beau stresses with a warm smile.
Over the next hour, we run through the song several times. This rendition is totally different from the version you hear on the radio because so much of our team is predominantly country. There’s a hint of twang in each line. Well, each line but mine.
Beau is going to sing with us, but he’ll be perched at the top of a ramp playing the drums. I didn’t know he could play which doesn’t seem to surprise everyone else in the room. Apparently, I’m the only one who really didn’t follow Beau Tanner prior to arriving on the show. At the very end of practice, Beau runs through our stage positioning for this performance. Since this is a non-judged routine, the stage set-up is a little more elaborate. Risers and stage props are used to give a different feel to the show. Chelsea and I will be singing from a set of risers for the first half of the performance before we all start to work the stage and move around in strategic, pre-determined positions.
“Ready to go?” Ben asks as he places his hand on my lower back and gently steers me towards the door at the end of our group practice. My practice time isn’t until late morning so I have a couple of hours before I have to be back here to learn what song I’m going to be singing next week.
“Yeah, let’s go grab some breakfast before we have to be back here,” I say as we get ready to walk through the door.
Suddenly, the hairs on the back of my neck stand up and I feel his gaze following me. I turn just before walking through the open door and find Beau intently watching me. His eyes peruse down my body, stopping at my lower back. It’s when they return to mine a moment later, full of fire, that I realize that Ben is still touching me. Stepping to the left, I dislodge myself from Ben’s hand and turn to walk out the door. As I go, I feel the force of those eyes following me the entire way. It’s moments like this that stir my body to life. I feel wanted, but in a greater way than I feel while working at the bar. Yeah, guys there want me and hit on me left and right. But the way Beau watches me? That’s an entirely different sensation. One that I’m unfamiliar with. One that I wouldn’t mind finding out a little bit more about.
*****
Talking with Mom and Eli tonight is excruciating. I can’t control the tears that gather in my eyes as I see his perfect little face on the computer monitor. If Skype could somehow figure out how to transport my son to my hotel room, I would give my soul.
It’s been over two weeks since I held him in my arms. Seeing his face every night is one thing, but not holding him is an entirely different animal. I feel loss like I’ve never really experienced before–even after Colton. I crave those little moments that I took for granted when we had so much free time together. Now, I have nothing but a few kisses and touches against the hard computer screen.
I knew this was coming, sure. But that doesn’t make this distance any easier. You can prepare yourself for the loss as much as possible, but until you’re living it, day in and day out, your preparations are futile.
Eli presses his sticky lips against the computer screen. “I wove you, Mommy,” he says with a big grin.
I don’t even try to stop the tears as I blow a kiss to the camera,
giving him the biggest smile I can fake. My heart breaks wide open as I gear up for another goodbye. “Good night, buddy. Mommy loves you so, so, so, so much. Be a good boy for Grandma, okay?”
“Tay!” he yells before hopping down off my mom’s lap and heading off to play.
“This is getting so hard,” I confess to my mom.
“I know, sweetie. He struggles in the mornings when he wakes up. He always looks over at your empty bed and starts to whine. I know you don’t want to hear it, but he misses you just as much as you are missing him. He’s just easier to distract with cartoons and toys.” The tears fall unchecked as I think about his perfect little face marred with little tears and distress. I’m rarely ever there when he goes to bed at night, but I’m always there when he wakes in the morning. Or at least I used to be.
“There’s still up to six weeks left, Mom. I don’t know if I can make it.”
“You can, and you will. We did not go through rearranging our entire lives for you to quit now. You’ve got this, sweetie. You are the strongest woman I know. You are brave and fearless and deserve this shot more than anyone there. I promise it won’t be too much longer, okay?” she offers with a small smile.
“I love you, Mom. I promise to give it my all.”
“I love you, too, baby girl. Just focus on your practices and singing. We’ll all be here for you when you get back.”
“I know. I will.”
After signing off, I cry for several minutes as the loneliness washes over me like the first cold rain in March. I’d do anything to hold Eli in my arms and fall asleep with him snuggled against my body.
But as much as I want to walk away from all of this and just go home–home to Eli–I want the future that this show could provide for him more. I want to not have to worry about the balance in my checkbook. I want to be able to buy him a toy and not worry if I’ll be able to pay the phone bill because of it. I want to provide him with a solid education, stable home and background, and as much love as I could possibly offer. If I can’t do all of the above, at least I know I can do the last. Because at the end of the day, I love that little boy more than life itself. I would do anything in my power to give him the life he deserves.
And today, that includes finishing this competition.
Note to self: Not all surprises are good surprises!
“I thought you were supposed to have practice tonight,” Corie says as she gathers up her workout bag.
“I thought so too. I don’t know what happened. We had our individual practice earlier today and Beau never mentioned anything about a cancellation. In fact, he told me he’d see me tonight. Maybe he’s sick?” I say as I walk with Corie towards the door. We’re supposed to have our last group practice for our team performance tonight for this week’s performance. We’re supposed to practice at the studio one more time before we do the run through on the stage Wednesday morning.
“Maybe. I don’t know, but I do know this: you now have the night off. So come with me!”
“And where would you be going? Last time I trusted you and went along with your shenanigans, my ass hurt for a week,” I remind my pint-sized friend.
“That’s because you’re out of shape. All the more reason for you to join me in tonight’s class,” Corie says as we leave her hotel room and head down to mine.
“What kind of class is it?” I ask as I insert the plastic keycard.
“One that every woman should do at least once.”
“I don’t like the sound of that,” I mumble as I step inside and grab my workout clothes.
“No t-shirt. You need to wear tight stuff. Just grab your sports bra and a pair of stretchy shorts. Oh, grab those tiny purple ones,” she says with a saucy grin.
I don’t like the feel of this. Not one bit.
“Corie -” I start before she cuts me off.
“Don’t question. Just grab the clothes, change, and let’s go! Class starts in thirty minutes,” she says with twinkling eyes.
I gather my belongings and step inside my bathroom. Something tells me I’m going to regret the day I met Corie Brooks.
We decide to walk to the studio since it’ll be a great warm-up, or so Corie says. Me? I just want to stretch out on the bed and take a nap. There are so many more things I’d rather be doing other than working out on my night off. Namely sleeping. I haven’t slept well since my phone conversation with Tiffany last week. I analyze everything from the length of time Beau glances at me to the way he brushes my fingers casually when he’s pointing to the music sheets we’re discussing.
Corie tells me all about the drama surrounding her team. Apparently the older woman and younger man contestants have been flaunting their tryst on and off the camera. After a few blocks of discussing who’s sleeping with who, she tries to pick my brain about Beau, but I’ve become a pro at the art of deflection. Even Corie isn’t going to get more out of me right now. Besides, I can’t exactly talk openly about what–if anything–is happening with Beau when you’re being trailed by a camera crew everywhere you go. Plus, there’s the fact that I, myself, don’t even really understand what is happening with the man. I do know this: there is chemistry and enough sexual tension to slice it with a dull knife. But that’s the end of it. Beau has never made an advance or a proposition for anything more than subtle flirting. It’s almost like I’m imagining the whole thing. But then I’ll catch him watching me from beneath the brim of his cowboy hat, and the fire is evident in his eyes. I know there’s more there. I feel it.
We walk into the front of the studio and head back towards the gym. I follow along as Corie leads me down a long hallway towards the back room. The sign outside of the door catches my eye instantly sending little shivers of dread, and maybe a little bit of excitement, coursing through my body.
Introduction to Pole Dancing.
I stop dead in my tracks as Corie opens the big wooden door. “Please tell me you’re kidding, Corie,” I mumble, searching her eyes as I wait for the moment she yells ‘Gotcha!’
“Why would I joke about something like this? I’ve heard these are the best workouts out there! They’re supposed to do amazing things to your Abdominals and Gluteus Maximus,” she says with a little bit of a smirk.
“My abs and glutes are just fine,” I tell her.
“Fine. They’re great, but this is going to be fun! You never know when the things you learn here will come in handy. Come on,” she says as she pulls me into the classroom.
Inside, a dozen poles are bolted from the ceiling to the floor, strategically placed around the room so that each girl has enough room to maneuver. I drudge along behind my little spitfire friend until we find an empty spot along the back wall for our bags. Now I see why she told me not to wear loose clothing.
“Come on, let’s grab a spot,” she says as she pulls me towards two open poles in the back of the room. They might be right by the entrance, but at least they’re as far away from those floor-to-ceiling mirrors that line the walls around the room.
“Good evening, good evening,” an older petite woman says as she steps out from a hidden door at the front of the room. “I am Eleanor and I will be your instructor for Introduction to Pole Dancing,” she adds dramatically as she does a little curtsy.
“We’re going to get a great workout tonight. Let’s begin with a little stretching, shall we?” she asks before pressing a button on the sound system on the floor by her pole. Instantly, Bruno Mars “Uptown Funk” is piped through the ceiling. It’s a catchy tune that I’ve heard several times and instantaneously pulls you into the beat and soul of the music.
“Grab your bar with your right hand and reach down to your foot, stretching and extending for a count of five, four, three, two, and one. And now switch. Stretch and reach. Feel the pull as you reach and hold it. Five, four, three, two, and one.”
After Eleanor takes us through a series of stretches and warm ups, all involving our metal pole, she begins to teach us the basics of the routine we are apparently learning t
his evening.
“Ok, ladies, we’re going to start with three basic maneuvers for pole dancing. The first is the Fireman. You’re going to stand on the tips of your toes like so and use your dominant arm to grip the pole as high as possible without feeling uncomfortable.”
The eleven other ladies all follow the instructions, watching Eleanor as she extends gracefully up on the balls of her feet and grabs the pole.
“Grip the pole tightly in what is called a baseball hold, similar to how you would grip a baseball bat. Keeping your shoulders back, you’re going to take three steps around your pole, like so,” she says as she demonstrates the move. “Give yourself a little push off of your outside leg and use that momentum to swing around the pole and spin. Make sure you keep your inside arm in a firm position so that you don’t kiss the pole,” she adds with a smile.
It takes me several attempts to feel comfortable enough to actually try this move on the pole, but once I let go and actually do it, I find it easier than I thought. Fun, actually. Freeing.
“Excellent, ladies, excellent. Our next move we’re going to learn is the Pinwheel. This maneuver has the same technique as the Fireman, but instead of both legs wrapping around the pole like this,” she says as she demonstrates a perfect Fireman twirl, “you’re going to extend a leg out, low and back, like this,” she continues as she shows us the move.
It doesn’t take us long to catch on to the slight variation of the move we’ve already learned, so Eleanor moves us along to our third maneuver, the V Spin.
“This one is going to showcase your strength, ladies. You are going to extend your dominant hand up to the top, but instead of your other hand being chest level, you’re going to extend it downward like this,” she says, showing us the arm positioning.
“Keep your pelvis forward and your grip wide as your extend your legs,” she says, showing us a damn good V Spin. My arms are already throbbing and just the thought of having to use them in this twirl scares me a little.