Music Notes

by Lacey Black

  “Beau, can I get you something to drink?” my mom offers from the small kitchen.

  “I’m good, thank you.”

  I grab a bottle of water from the fridge as Beau sits in the middle of the floor and prepares to build a house with building blocks with my three-year-old. The sound of their laughter echoes off the walls in the kitchen, but it’s the unsaid words from my mom that are the loudest.

  “What?” I ask.

  “Are you going to tell him?”

  “Tell him what?”

  “That you have feelings for him,” she says matter-of-factly.

  “Mom, don’t go there. You know that I can’t afford to develop feelings for him. Nothing can happen between us right now. Even after the show, it’s not likely that anything will develop.”

  “What if something has already developed? I know you, Layne. I know how you guard your heart. I know how you protect yourself from men for fear that they’ll hurt and disappoint you. Well, not all men are like Colton. Some are actually good, decent men. Your father was a great man who loved fiercely and loyally. He was taken from us too soon and I live with that loss every day. But, you can’t be afraid to try, Layne. You can’t be afraid to give your heart to someone. Because someday, someone isn’t going to give it back. Someday, they’re going to keep it and give you theirs in return. Someday, all of the tears and the hurt will just go away because someone takes it all away. They will make you forget because they love you so fiercely that you have no other choice but to love them back. Live for that moment, Layne. When you find it, hang onto it.”

  I blink rapidly to keep the tears at bay. I can’t cry now. Beau is not twenty feet away, playing with my son in the other room. Yet, her words strike me so deeply that I can’t help but to let one fall.

  I’ve watched my mom mourn the loss of my dad every day. She gets by, coping in her own way, but she has never been the same since the day we laid him in the ground.

  “What about you?” I choke out.

  “What about me? I had the perfect life for a while with your father and you. I miss him every day. But lately I’ve been trying to enjoy life again. I realized not that long ago that I can enjoy life, the company of a man, and still always love your father. He’ll always be in my heart, even if my heart is leading me towards someone else. That’s the circle of life, Layne.”

  “Wait. Towards another man? What are you talking about?”

  “Well,” she says, shifting uncomfortably. “What if I told you I had a date not that long ago and that I’ve been meeting a new friend for lunch over the past several weeks?”

  “I would be happy for you. Who is it?”

  “Umm…Lee.”

  “Lee!? From Chaser’s, Lee?” Suddenly things start to click into place.

  “Yes, Lee from Chaser’s. He’s been divorced for a while now and we’ve been enjoying each other’s company.”

  “I’m happy for you, Mom,” I tell her honestly as I walk across the room and pull her into a hug.

  “Yes, well, it’s still new. I don’t know if anything will come of it, but I enjoy spending time with him nonetheless.”

  “He has always seemed like a nice man. Though, if he hurts you, I’m going to have to maim him,” I tell her resulting in a laugh.

  “Excuse me, ladies, but I’m supposed to grab ya and show ya our newest creation,” Beau says uncomfortably from the doorway.

  I quickly step away from my mom, wipe away the rogue tear, and follow him into the living room where Eli has their tower proudly on display.

  “It’s awesome, Eli,” I tell my son.

  “Thanks, Mommy. Beau helped make it tall! It’s the tallest tower ever!”

  “It sure is,” I tell him, bending down and kissing him on the crown of the head.

  “Eli, why don’t you come with me? It’s time to take a bath, and Mommy can visit with Beau before he heads out,” my mom says.

  “I can do it, Mom,” I retort.

  “I know you can, but I don’t mind doing it tonight,” she says with a wink before scooting Eli off to the guest bedroom.

  We stand in awkward silence for a few moments before Beau says, “Wanna step out onto the balcony?”

  “Sure,” I reply, following him towards the sliding glass door.

  Outside, the air is cool, but not enough to require a jacket. Night is falling and the roadways are littered with headlights. The sound of traffic is constant. That’s something I’ve noticed about LA. Even in the dead of night, you can always hear traffic. It’s like the city is always in motion.

  A chill settles over me as we both look out over the city. I can feel his body heat next to me, and it warms me clear down to my toes.

  “Are you cold?” Beau asks, taking note of my goose bumps.

  “Not really,” I reply honestly. I just leave out the part about my goose bumps being caused by his mere presence.

  Before I even know what’s happening, Beau pulls me against his warmth, wrapping his arms securely around me. “I had a good time tonight,” he mumbles against the top of my head.

  “Me too.” Honestly, I did.

  “So, I take it ya liked my surprise?”

  “Yours was the best I’ve had in a long time,” I tell him.

  “Are we still talkin’ about the surprise?” he asks with just hint of that cockiness that I’ve become accustomed to.

  I laugh before replying, “Yes. What did you think I was talking about?”

  Beau looks down at me, causing my neck to crane upward to meet his eyes. “This,” he says moments before his warm, lush lips meet mine. I shiver as heat floods my body, sending waves of anticipation coursing through my blood stream.

  The kiss starts out slow, but it doesn’t take long before our need for each other starts to rear its head. With one swift swipe of his tongue against the seam of my lips, I’m opening up and granting him access. His tongue is everywhere. The way it strokes my own sends my entire world spinning. I grab tightly to the back of his black t-shirt, holding on for dear life. God, can this man kiss.

  I barely register movement until his hands dip underneath the back of my shirt. His touch almost burns me as his hot, calloused fingers graze the sensitive skin of my lower back. My moan is swallowed by his mouth and by the night.

  Suddenly, there are too many clothes. The barriers between us are too great, restricting and confining. I snake my leg up and around his strong leg. I can feel his hardened length pressed against my stomach, begging to be released, to be touched. I grind myself against him, rubbing and trying to relieve the pressure between my legs. Pressure that Beau created. Pressure that only Beau can release.

  But before it can go any further, Beau starts to pull away. I whimper as I try to pull him snugly against me, but he resists. He stands directly in front of me, my leg still wrapped firmly around his waist with our hands locked on each other’s bodies. But the distance is there. It takes everything I have to not attack those lips again as I attempt to wrangle in my breathing.

  “I can’t let this happen, Layne. Fuck, as much as I want it to, I can’t do this here. I can’t risk someone findin’ out. They’d send you home and your time on the show would be over. Besides the fact that you deserve to be here, deserve a shot at winnin’ this whole thing, I can’t risk sendin’ ya home early. You not being here every day would kill me. Not seeing you, not stealin’ touches and glances, it would slowly kill me inside. You’ve become the very air that I need.” His hands make their way up to my face. His eyes are full of lust and desire, but something else, too. Affection. Suddenly, I feel like I’m the most cherished person in the world.

  His confession does so much to my already overheated body. Happiness that he cares enough for me to not risk my future, not risk my chance on this show. Joy that he feels something for me that seems to be so much more than a quick roll in the sack. Excitement that I can bring this man to his knees. The feelings I’ve warned myself against are already there. They’re alive, deep and true. I care more fo
r this man than I’ve allowed myself to care for any other in four years. In fact, he’s quickly becoming the only man I’ve ever truly cared for. Everyone before him fades away in comparison.

  “I know you’re right, but I can’t seem to make myself pull away from you,” I whisper.

  The light in his eyes is enough to brighten up the darkest nights. “I feel the same way,” he says before placing another gentle kiss on my sensitive lips. “For tonight, I need to walk away. But please know that even through I’m walking away, it isn’t for lack of want. I want to stay here with you so damn bad I’m afraid I might explode,” he says, giving a little head nod to his southern region.

  I chuckle. “I want you to stay, too.”

  “I promise, sweetheart, that very, very soon, I will finish this kiss. I will make you scream my name so many times that it’ll be the only name you ever remember. I will be inside of you so long that you won’t be able to remember what it feels like without me there.”

  Good God, if that doesn’t make me almost orgasm right then and there.

  “That song you’re singing next week with Ben? That song is for me. Not him. Me. When ya sing those words, know that it’s my kiss on your lips. Remember that it’s my kiss that longs to taste ya,” he whispers before placing another soft kiss on my lips.

  Later that night, I struggle to sleep. I toss and turn for hours on end, praying for the quiet to swallow me whole. As much as I try, though, I can’t sleep. I can’t stop remembering that kiss. I can’t stop replaying his words. For the first time in years, I don’t want to stop. I want to explore this attraction. I want to follow it wherever it may lead. I want to finish what we started. Sleep may never come tonight. Instead, I’ll let the silence surround me, lost in my own thoughts and desires.

  And wonder if maybe, somewhere out there, he’s lying awake and thinking of me too.

  Note to self: Give it everything you’ve got, and then dig a little deeper for more.

  “And for another great duet, please help me welcome back to the stage Ben Atwood and Layne Carter,” Becker says to the camera, followed by a round of applause from the live audience.

  Mallory positioned Ben and I on opposite sides of the stage for this performance. Throughout the song, we’ll slowly work our way around and towards each other before we meet in the middle for the last chorus. It represents the dramatic nature of the song, the dancing around each other while looking for that kiss.

  The live band begins the music, a piano melody soft and slow. My back is to Ben as I raise the mic, but that doesn’t matter. I could be staring directly at him and it wouldn’t be his lips I was thinking about. When it’s time, I start to sing Lady Antibellum’s words. “Lying here with you so close to me, it’s hard to fight these feelings when it feels so hard to breathe. Caught up in this moment, caught up in your smile.”

  Even when Ben starts to sing his part, it’s not his voice I hear. He’s not the one singing those passionate words to me. I imagine Beau standing directly in front of me: his smile, his eyes, his hunger. It’s Beau.

  I never look over at the man sitting at the table in front of the stage. I know that if I look, I’ll never be able to concentrate on the song, yet as Ben and I make our way through the song, I can’t resist the pull that Beau has. I’m drawn to him like a moth to a flame. Finally, as I make my way to center stage, I can’t fight his gravitational pull any longer. I want to be looking at him when I sing these words.

  His eyes are fire. Bright, hot, and full of intensity. Hypnotized, I see it. I see our kiss replayed through them. He’s remembering, too. “You’ll be in my dreams…tonight…tonight…tonight.” Truer words have never been spoken.

  We finally make it to the end of the song. Ben and I are standing directly in front of each other, center stage, singing, “With a kiss goodnight…kiss goodnight.”

  And then suddenly, Ben kisses me. I’m so shocked that I stand there, paralyzed, for what feels like minutes. Hours. Forever. The kiss could in reality only last three seconds, but they are the longest three seconds of my life. When he pulls away, a smile crosses his face, but it does nothing to ease the shocked look on mine.

  Note to Self: Shit! Ben just kissed me! On National television. Screw the note! I’m freaking the hell out right now!

  Ben turns and waves to the audience as they applaud our song, but my eyes are instantly seeking the only pair that matters right now. Beau.

  And his eyes are furious.

  *****

  “Layne, you’re up next,” Gabby says from the doorway of the green room.

  I swear I’m having an out of body experience right now. No way did Ben just kiss me in front of God, Beau, and the entire viewing audience. In the world of instant rewind, TiVo, YouTube, and cell phone cameras, I was just kissed by a man on National television in front of the man I’ve been secretly stealing kisses from. All. On. Camera.

  No way did that just happen. But it did. If the deadly look in Beau’s eyes were any indication, I’d say that Ben Atwood is lucky to still be alive right now. It’s probably a good thing Ben is nowhere to be found at this moment.

  I have no idea how I changed into my white dress; I don’t remember any of it. I don’t remember having my hair and makeup freshened up. Yet, here I am, standing behind the stage, getting ready to perform my song that’ll determine my fate this week. How in the hell am I supposed to concentrate on this beautiful song when all I can think about is Ben. Beau. The kiss. That other kiss.

  Wardrobe chose a long, white gown with an A-line waist. The strapless dress is whimsical and flowing and has a slight train that trails behind me as I walk. It’s gorgeous. My makeup is subtle, hair swept up in an elegant up-do, and my heels are tall, strappy, and hurt like hell.

  Yet, I feel nothing but confused as I wait for my next turn to perform. Scared.

  “Hey,” I hear from behind me in that deep southern drawl that I’ve come to crave.

  I whip around quickly, almost throwing myself off balance. Beau reaches out and grabs a hold, keeping me upright. The smile he gives me is tight, until his eyes travel down the length of me. He takes in my dress and his entire demeanor changes. When his eyes return to mine, they’re softer. Appreciative.

  “I didn’t know he was going to do that,” I defend instantly.

  “I know,” he says, stepping in a little closer. “That was the hardest thing I’ve ever done; sittin’ there without showin’ any emotion or reaction when all I wanted to do was run up on that stage and punch him square in the fuckin’ face.”

  “You did?” I choke out.

  “Are you kidding? He touched you, your lips. Do you realize what kind of damage control I’m going to have to do later tonight when I can steal you away and get you alone?”

  I’m saved from having to reply–which is good because I don’t know if I could answer anyway–when Gabby comes up and tells me it’s time to get out on stage and for Beau to get out at the coach’s table before we go live.

  “Deep breaths, Layne. Just remember to…breathe,” he says as he squeezes my hand and walks through the heavy curtain and towards his post.

  Note to self: Just remember to breathe. Easy, right?

  Beau was right. I need this performance. As an artist, I need to demonstrate my softer side, even though I rarely let it show. In fact, I’ve never felt the need or desire to let it loose. I’ve always found my solace in rock music; classic hits from the 70’s and 80’s. But tonight, as I take the stage in a stunning dress, I find that I suddenly can’t wait to show the world the softer Layne.

  “I can feel the magic floating in the air, being with you gets me that way…”

  I sing the classic Faith Hill song as I work the stage, the crowd. My movements are slow and deliberate, just like the song. I don’t risk a glance at Beau this time around. I’m very much aware of his presence within the massive room, but I avoid eye contact. Instead I focus on the hundreds of eyes staring back at me from the crowd. I sing the song as if I could be si
nging it to them. For them.

  When it’s all said and done, the comments I receive from the coaches are humbling.

  “You were born for this,” Felix says with a huge grin.

  “Yeah, I agree. This softer Layne is just as outstanding as the hard rocker Layne,” JoJo chimed in.

  But it’s Beau’s that hold the most meaning. “I feel like we’ve all just witnessed a phoenix risin’ up out of the ashes. Ya took your passion, your heart and soul for music, and put it into that song. Ya made me feel things, moved me in ways no one ever has just by hearin’ those words drip off your lips. That was, without a doubt, the performance of the night. Hell, of the show,” he says as the crowd erupts into overwhelming applause.

  The smile on my face must be blinding. I couldn’t control it if I tried. I don’t even know what words I reply to Becker before he says, “If you’d like to see Layne Carter return next week, then she needs your votes. Call 1-800-555-7006 or log on and vote at risingstar.com. For our final performance of the evening, please welcome Corie Brooks.”

  And just like that, my night is done.

  *****

  “What are ya doin’?” Beau’s drawl asks over the phone.

  “Trying to sleep,” I whisper so I don’t wake Eli next to me in the king sized bed.

  “Tryin’?”

  “Yeah,” I reply.

  “Can ya talk?”

  “Give me a minute,” I reply as I slip out of bed and out of the room, though I leave the door cracked so that I can hear Eli in case he wakes up. I step through the common room and slip out the sliding glass door leading to the balcony. “Okay.”

  “Where did ya go? It sounds like you’re outside.”