by Lacey Black
“I’m on the balcony. I didn’t want to wake Mom or Eli.”
“Ya did great tonight,” he says with the hint of a smile in his voice.
“Thanks. You pick great songs,” I tell him, smiling back.
“Yeah, well, I’m suddenly not so fond of the Lady A song.”
“Me neither,” I reply, shuddering at the thought of Ben kissing me again.
“Have you talked to him?”
“Surprisingly no. The only time I saw him after the performance was when we were all on stage at the end of the show. I have no idea what he was thinking,” I say.
“I know exactly what he was thinkin’. He wants you, has for weeks. You can see it in his eyes, Layne.”
“Yeah, Troy said that much to me a few weeks ago, so I made it clear to Ben that we were only friends. That kiss was completely unwelcome.”
“You don’t hafta tell me that, sweetheart. I saw it all over your face. You weren’t exactly happy that it happened.”
“Of course not. And you didn’t look very happy yourself.”
“Are you kiddin’? I was ready to beat the shit out of him. The only thing that held me back from assault charges was the fact that we were on TV. Any other situation and I woulda killed him.”
“What does this mean, Beau? I mean, we’re not exactly in a relationship.”
“Yet. We’re not in a relationship yet, sweetheart. I have every intention of findin’ out more about you and why I have these crazy, uncontrollable feelings whenever you’re near. I’m makin’ no bones about my intentions towards you after we finish this show, so you tell me. What do ya want?”
You. Us. Together. So many intense feelings swirl around inside me like a typhoon. I can’t even get my center of gravity, but maybe that’s okay. Maybe that’s what this is all about. Love? Maybe that’s what real love is.
Of course, I’m not about to start sputtering off things like the L word, so I just stick with, “I want to see where this goes, Beau.” That’s the truth.
“Don’t be scared, Layne. Don’t be scared of us. I promise ya that things will fall into place. Everything has a way of workin’ out. Just trust me.”
He leaves the proverbial door wide open. That’s just it. Can I trust Beau? I trusted Colton and look where that got me. Can I trust him to not take my heart and leave it battered and bruised when he walks away? Because let’s face it, Beau is probably going to walk away at some point. It could be a month; it could be a year.
But what if he doesn’t? My mom’s words from last night replay through my mind. I’m ready to move on, right? Will I finally be able to let go of the past and set out to discover my future?
Only one thing’s for sure: I want to find out.
Note to self: Breathe.
Note to self: Kick ass and take names.
At the end of that fourth week, the voters saved me for once again. Speculation about the budding relationship between Beau and me has remained front and center everywhere I go, in everything I do. Throw in speculation about Ben’s kiss on the show that fateful Wednesday night, and collectively, we’ve remained a hot topic around water coolers. We’re holding strong on all of the entertainment news shows and over social media. The reality show threesome. Shawna still holds the big spoon, stirring the pot and keeping the drama-train rolling full steam ahead.
Slowly over the last three weeks, we’ve continued to dwindle down until only four contestants. Four contestants and two weeks. It’s hard to believe I’m still in this competition, fighting every week for my position on this show. And it hasn’t been easy.
Two weeks ago, I said goodbye to my Mom and my son. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, watching them walk through the airport, leaving me on one side of that velvet rope. I don’t know when the last time was that I cried that hard. My entire chest was gutted when I watched them walk around the corner and out of sight. Even the warm hand on my back didn’t seem to bring me much comfort. Beau held me the entire way back from LAX and even walked me up to my old hotel room. The room felt hollow, as if my extended week with my mom and son didn’t exist. He steered me towards my bed and laid next to me while I cried big fat crocodile tears. We fell asleep together on the top of the bedspread, fully clothed and holding hands.
When I woke in the morning, he was gone.
Today, we’re practicing for our coach’s duet. Yep, I get to sing with Beau this week. With only two weeks left, we’re down to the best of the best. Weird to consider myself in a class like that, but I’ve come to realize that I must really have something if I’ve endured six other vote-offs and am still here.
Three other contestants remain: Ben, Jamal, and Shawna. I said goodbye to Corie last week after an emotional performance with her before the vote-off. It was the first time we sang together, but had felt like we’d done it a million times over. Again, with the tears.
Note to self: Kleenex. How much is it to buy stock?
“Well, what did you pick?” I ask the cowboy on the stool across from me.
“Don’t you wanna know,” he sasses back.
“Yes, actually, I do.”
My solo performance this week is a hit straight from the nineties. I’ll be performing No Doubt’s “Spiderwebs,” and I’m stoked. I haven’t heard this song since I was younger and just the name brought a huge smile to my face. Who doesn’t love Gwen Stefani? This song is energetic and fun. It’s perfect for this week’s performance.
“Don’t You Wanna Stay?” he asks with a clever little smile.
“Are you trying to confuse me?”
“Jason somebody and Kelly Clarkson,” he replies, finally letting that smile fly.
“Ahh, gotcha. Do I get to sing Kelly?”
“No, you’re singin’ Jason somebody. I’ll be singin’ Kelly.”
“Good thinking. It’ll keep everyone on their toes. Plus, when you hit those high notes, it’s sure to put us right back into the spotlight. Page two just isn’t the same as front page entertainment news coverage,” I reply.
“True. I hate sharing pages with not-as-worthy celebrities.”
“So, let’s hear the song, I haven’t heard it in a few years,” I tell him as he pulls out his mp3 player.
I close my eyes as the words sung by Jason Aldean and Kelly Clarkson fill the room. The song is about a couple lost in a single moment together and not wanting to let it go. It’s a romantic ballad filled with that big romantic gesture, and honestly, it doesn’t surprise me that Beau would pick this song to sing together. In a way, this song represents us. Our journey. Even behind the scenes, we’ve embarked on a romantic journey filled with potholes and roadblocks. The biggest, of course, being the one thing that technically brought us together: the show.
We run through the song together several times, working on my runs of the high notes multiple times. Kelly Clarkson has an amazing range, and it’s one that you have to nail, because if you don’t, it’ll kill the song. And the last thing I want to do is be the reason we sound like crap.
“There. That time was better. Take a big breath before ya go into it and you’ll be fine. I’m not worried about ya,” he says confidently.
“Okay. I’ll run them tonight until they’re all I know,” I say.
Beau doesn’t say anything, which draws my attention towards him. He’s staring at me, the small lift of the corner of his mouth the only indication that he’s smiling. The intensity in his face makes me squirm on my stool. There’s something brewing dark and dirty behind those eyes.
“Just so ya know, I’m going to touch you during our performance.” Air lodges in my throat as my eyes widen in surprise. He keeps those hypnotizing orbs focused solely on me as he gets up and stops directly in front of me. “This song makes me wanna touch you so don’t be surprised when I touch your face like this,” he says as he reaches forward and gently strokes my check. “Or if I touch your arm like this,” he says moments before he runs his warm fingers up my arms from my wrist to my elbow. My reaction to his words,
his touches, is undeniable.
Every ounce of oxygen is sucked from the room like some lust-filled vacuum. Even if I could speak, I wouldn’t know what to say. We’re at an impasse right now. We both want something more, but something more isn’t an option at this moment. Instead, we indulge in those little touches, a few shared kisses, and a whole bunch of phone conversations. Especially when he’s on the road for appearances, we steal as much free time as we can spare over the phone and without prying cameras.
Of course, the rumors are still swirling. Well, I guess you can say that they aren’t technically “rumors” anymore. With the exception of us actually sleeping together, we have definitely formed a bond. A relationship. We just aren’t able to take it to the next level yet.
Damn it.
But in another way, that’s good. We’re learning so much about each other without involving sex. He’s shared his background with me, the troubles he’s dealt with in past relationships, and his dreams for the future. Funny, that some of those dreams are the same as mine. I try not to get too excited about that part, though. Once a cynic, always a cynic.
But I’m trying.
Later today, Ben is traveling with Beau to Salt Lake City for a concert. The whole thing concerns me a little since things between Ben and Beau have appeared a little tense since that on-stage kiss a few weeks ago. Ben will get to experience firsthand the excitement of the industry and performing on stage. Tomorrow, I fly out to Denver and do the same. Sunday, we’ll fly back to LA and jump right back into rehearsals for this next week. The other two contestants are all doing the same with their coach at some point this weekend, and the entire experience will be caught on camera and part of next week’s shows.
“So, you’re meetin’ me in Denver tomorrow afternoon. Ya already got the schedule, right?”
“Yes, Gabby gave it to me last night after the show,” I say as I gather up my sheet music.
“Good. Here, you need to learn this,” he says as he hands me another sheet of music.
“What’s this?” I ask, looking it over.
“That’s the song we’re gonna sing on stage tomorrow night,” he says.
“I’m singing on stage with you?” I ask astonished.
“Yep. Ben’s joinin’ me on stage tonight to sing ‘Whiskey Bottle,’” Beau says, referring to his first number one hit, a tidbit of information I learned only a few weeks ago. “We’re singing that.”
“You can’t be serious,” I say deadpanned.
“As a heart attack. Study up. We’ll only have a short amount of time to run it for sound check.”
I continue to look over the music sheet as Beau leans in. “I’ll call you later,” he whispers against my ear, sending little sparks of fire coursing through my body.
Long after Beau is gone, I sit on that stool and read the music. It’s a beautiful song, but I can’t think of where I’ve heard it before. Nothing sounds familiar to me. I’m sure it’s a country song, and Lord knows my knowledge of country music isn’t very extensive. I guess I’m going to have to fire up the laptop and do a little research.
Note to self: Grab some ice cream. A night of internet stalking is about to commence.
*****
I didn’t find the song and it’s driving me crazy. I searched all night in just about every lyrics website I could find. Even Wikipedia produced a big ol’ goose egg. Which brings me to the now where I’m following my driver at Denver International Airport as he weaves through the crowd and heads towards his waiting town car. Next stop: Pepsi Arena. And that much closer to Beau Tanner where I can hopefully get some answers.
When I arrive at the arena–and when I say I arrive, that means me and a camera crew–we are instantly escorted to the backstage area. I’m introduced to a handful of crew members, band members, and some of the management team for Beau’s label. I feel it instantly the moment Beau walks into the large room. It’s as if everyone else just fades away leaving only him and me.
Oh, how I wish…
“You’re here,” he says with a big smile. I take in his appearance. Still ruggedly handsome but gone is the cowboy hat and boots. Beau Tanner is walking around in a ball cap and running shoes. His usual Wrangler-wearing ass is covered by a pair of mesh running shorts and a loose fitting tank top is the only thing between me and the corded muscles of his tan chest.
And oh, what a chest it is. It’s the first time I’ve ever gotten to ogle him. He’s broad and muscular with ripples in all the right places. Plus, he has a tattoo. A big, dark tattoo with hard lines and dramatic shading. However, I can only see the top of it since it disappears below the neck of his shirt.
I feel eyes on me and realize that someone is talking, probably to me. I look up and my eyes immediately slam into the smiling ones and cocky grin. The damn cowboy just caught me ogling his body as I commit it to memory. Mother in heaven!
Note to self: When ogling, make sure the person you’re staring at doesn’t catch you! You’ll never hear the end of it.
I try to shake off my Tiffany-approved eye-fucking moment, but his gaze won’t let me go. I’m sucked in like one of those alien invasion movies.
“Did ya review the song?” he asks, that cocky smile not wavering from his too-handsome face.
“Yes, but what song is it?” I ask.
“Andrew here is going to give ya a backstage tour and show ya our set up. I’m going to take a quick shower, and then we’ll run the song on stage. Sound good?”
Andrew gently places his hand on my lower back and leads me down a long hallway, away from Beau. Which reminds me that he never answered my question about the song.
Andrew shows me several different areas of the backstage including a makeup and wardrobe area, warm-up room, and a meet and greet room. But the massive stage is what holds my attention right now. I feel so small, so minute while standing in the middle of the hard platform. It’s shaped like a W which gives Beau the opportunity to engage several sections of the arena, allowing the fans on the floor an up close and personal experience.
Someday…
Note to self: You’re allowed to dream. So dream big.
I walk up to a mic in the middle of the stage and can’t help but touch it. I don’t know if I’ll ever sing at a platform like this, but the fantasy is real. The desire to achieve that dream exists. When I hear the familiar clicking of cowboy boots, I turn around without dropping my hand from the microphone. Beau is there, watching me as if I’m the most fascinating person in the world.
“You look good up here. Natural.”
“I don’t know about that. Give it a few hours when these seats are all filled and I’ll be ready to pee down my leg,” I say with a chuckle.
Beau smiles before saying, “You ready to run the song?”
“Yes.”
Over the next hour, I work with Beau on the music and with a woman named Angela, who works as a stage choreographer for the crew. She tells me when I’ll enter the stage and from what angle. She shows me which mic I use and tells me at what part during the song I’m to move. She basically gives me a crash course on my positioning during the performance.
I watch from the side of the stage as Beau runs through his mic check. Each member of his band joins him and makes sure their instruments are tuned up and ready to go. The entire experience is a fascinating process. When I go to concerts, I just show up. I never knew all the different elements that went into the actual concert. It’s an eye-opener.
Shadowing Beau is easy. He’s a natural with his fans and does whatever it takes to make them comfortable and give them the best show possible. My first Meet and Greet is definitely interesting. Women have no qualms about throwing themselves at a country music superstar–not that I blame them. At first, it made me a little uneasy. Hugs aren’t just hugs when they involve groping hands. Kisses aren’t just kisses when they are placed on his lips. It is a hard pill to swallow. That is until I looked at him, and the look he gives me is for my eyes only. Like I need to hang a ‘Priva
te’ sign on the doorknob. His eyes roam over my body, only straying long enough to take a quick photo or sign a t-shirt. Then, those amazing gray eyes are right back on me.
I’ve never had my own pre-show ritual. I haven’t needed one. So while the guys run through some warm-ups, I pull out my trusty mp3 player and find something to calm my racing heart. The song? Poison’s “Talk Dirty To Me.” I don’t know why exactly, but this song distracts me from what’s about to happen. Sitting on an old, lumpy sofa in the backstage area, I can finally feel my heart rate slowing.
I’m lost in the lyrics when I sense Beau’s presence. His shadow falls over me, but I don’t look. I’m too busy trying to keep calm. Beau pulls one of the ear buds from my ear and lifts it to his own. Glancing at him for the first time, the look on his face is priceless when he discovers what I’m listening to. His eyebrows shoot upward, completely hidden beneath the bill of his hat.
Plopping down beside me on the couch, Beau and I get lost in the hair band music pumping through the ear buds. When the song finally ends, I realize I’m as relaxed as I’ll ever be. I truly don’t know if it’s from the music or the man, but serenity has finally settled in, and I’m suddenly energized and ready for tonight’s performance.
Neither Beau nor I have yet to speak as the next song on my random playlist starts. Instantly, I recognize the intro since it’s one of my favorite songs. Poison’s “Lay Your Body Down” is cranked up in one ear, since the other bud is currently attached to Beau’s head. I hum along with the first few lines, closing my eyes, as I get lost in the familiar words. What happens next catches me completely by surprise. Beau starts to sing the lyrics. Keeping my eyes training on a chair in front of us, I listen to the smooth timbers of his voice as he sings the song about watching your love push you away.
After a few lines, I jump in and sing with him. We keep our volume low as the rest of the band mingles and preps for the show around us, paying us no attention.
Suddenly we’re at my favorite part of the song. Where he tries to convince her to stay. “So let’s draw the blinds, forget wasted time, and let them old demons die. Take ahold of my hand, then you’d understand, why love’s worth one more try.”