so strapping in fact
that by the time he is sixteen
every last person in his town wants to bang the bajeezus out of him.
But Narcissus is like “Sorry ladies/dudes/centaurs
I have unreasonably high standards.”
So basically, no one is happy.
Then one day
Narcissus goes walking in the forest
where bad shit just generally tends to happen
and this nymph named Echo sees him
and of course, being as this nymph has eyes
she is instantly head over vagina in love with him.
There is a problem though
which is that “Echo” is not just some kind of playful nickname
it refers to the fact
that she cannot say anything except for things she has just heard other people say
because Hera got pissed off about how she used to use her silver tongue
to buy Zeus some precious escape time during his adultery runs
and maybe also used her silver tongue on Zeus in other ways.
Would that feel good, even?
A silver tongue?
ANYWAY.
So Echo is stalking Narcissus through the woods
not able to say anything
but I guess she makes some kind of noise
’cause then Narcissus is all “WHO’S THERE?”
and Echo is like “WHO’S THERE?”
and Narcissus is like “NARCISSUS”
and Echo is like “NARCISSUS”
and Narcissus is like “YES”
which Echo mistakes for consent
so she jumps out of the woods like “YESSSS”
and comes running toward him, totally nude
and Narcissus is like “Hey, totally naked hot nymph
allow me to introduce you to my unreasonably high standards.
Unreasonably high standards, meet naked hot nymph.”
So Echo runs back into the woods crying
except she probably can’t even cry without hearing someone else do it first
but anyway she gets pretty butthurt about the whole thing
and not in the good way that she wanted
so she just mopes around the forest
until her body actually DISAPPEARS
and only her voice remains
and then she uses that voice
to pray to Aphrodite
(or actually Venus because this is the Roman version of the story)
and is like “Mess this dude up for me, okay?”
I’m not sure how she managed to make up this prayer all on her own
but I like to think she probably did it
by hanging around the legions of chicks
who all wished Narcissus was dead because he wouldn’t bone them.
So Venus hears the prayer and is like DONE
and Narcissus suddenly gets super thirsty
and the only water in the woods happens to be this deep pool
of crystal-clear springwater
so he starts drinking out of it
but then he stops
because he realizes that what he is drinking
is the face of the most beautiful man he has ever seen.
He falls so in love with this hunk of pubescent glory
that he pines after this dude for like, days
until he realizes
PLOT TWIST
the dude in the pond is actually a reflection OF NARCISSUS HIMSELF
because apparently
for the last SIXTEEN YEARS OF HIS LIFE
he has NEVER SEEN HIS OWN REFLECTION.
He has never taken a bath
or like, had a cup of water
or, you know, stared REALLY HARD at a bald guy.
He has led a pretty sheltered life, apparently.
So anyway he gets REALLY DEPRESSED
and like, rips off all his clothes
and refuses to eat
which not only makes him more attractive to himself
but also dead
and he goes down to basically the shittiest part of hell
and spends the rest of forever staring at his reflection in the river Styx.
Meanwhile, Echo’s voice shows up in the woods and finds Narcissus’s body
and is like “Dammit.
Wish I’d kept my body.
Can’t even fondle his corpse now.”
And she kind of feels pretty bad about the whole thing
and makes a flower grow out of his corpse
as a kind of a consolation prize for dying.
So from now on
every time you see a narcissus flower
just remember
that if you are beautiful
you should never drink water
because it is too dangerous.
PERSEPHONE IS THE MOTHER OF INVENTION . . . NO, WAIT . . .
So Persephone is the daughter of this chick Demeter
who is the goddess of like fertility and crops and whatnot
and she is also incredibly hot.
So hot, in fact
that Hades is down in the underworld (which is also called Hades actually)
and he looks up one day and he sees her and he goes “DAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAA
AAAAA
AAAA
YUM.
I gotta get me some of that.”
So he just pops on up to the world in his black chariot of ultimate wretchedness
and he says “Hey, little girl do you want to come to hell?”
and she probably would have said no
only he kidnapped her.
Basically Hades is the ultimate ladies’ man.
So then they’re kind of hanging out down in hell
and it’s always been pretty depressing in hell
but it’s actually a little bit better with Persephone there
because she’s not a little emo bitch like Hades is all the time
even though he has a WHOLE BADASS KINGDOM ALL TO HIMSELF.
Seriously, why’s he always gotta be moping?
Anyway, Persephone pulls some interior decorating like some spooky feng shui and shit
and WHAM
hell is a pretty okay place to live all of a sudden.
But all is not well
because meanwhile, Persephone’s mom, Demeter, is up in the regular world
fretting the shit out of herself over her missing daughter
and it does not help at all when she finds out that she was kidnapped by the king of hell.
So Demeter gets real depressed
and when Demeter gets depressed
all the plants die
and everything freezes
and being alive just kind of starts to suck
because she is the goddess of like crops and seasons and whatnot.
And see, up to this point no one has even heard of winter
but now they are getting nothing but winter
nonstop and out of control
24/7/365
except actually maybe only for several months
but either way
shit is intolerable.
So Zeus gets fed up
and he goes and hits Demeter up, and he says
“HEY, BITCH, WHAT’S WITH ALL THE WINTER?”
and Demeter says “Hmm, I dunno.
Maybe it’s because your brother is raping my daughter in hell?”
And Zeus says “Hmm, good point.”
So he goes down to the underworld
and he says “Listen, bro
I hate to block your cock, but like
shit is completely intolerable up in the real world
and it is downright impossible for me to get any quality dick laid down
at this ball-freezing temperature.
So give Demeter her daughter back
and don’t you dare try any funny business
such as for example feeding her any food at all from the underworld
because as you know
if she eats any of it
she will be forced to stay in Hades with you forever.
’Cause that’s one of those dumb rules you have when you’re a god.”
And Hades says “Yeah, bro, for sure. That would be a tragedy.
Nobody wants that.”
and then as soon as Zeus is out the door Hades turns around
all like “’Sup, Persephone?”
and Persephone says “’Sup?”
and Hades is like “Hey, are you hungry?”
and she says “Well, now that you mention it
I haven’t eaten or drunk a single thing since you brought me down here months ago.”
(Hades is the consummate host)
So Hades goes “Well, hey
absolutely the only thing we have to eat here in the underworld
is POMEGRANATES.”
(Which is yet another reason the underworld is awesome and Hades should stop whining.)
So he starts feeding her the pomegranate seeds one at a time
and he manages to stuff six into her mouth
when her mom shows up
like “Okay, honey
time to go home”
and Persephone says “Okay
I was getting kind of tired of getting raped in hell anyway.”
and Hades says “HAHAHA PRANK’D
I FED HER SOME FOOD SHE HAS TO STAY NOW”
And Demeter is like “ZEUUUUSSSS!”
And Zeus is extremely flustered
because he has probably just been interrupted in the midst of a whole litany of vigorous boning
and he says “OKAY
YOU KNOW WHAT YOU GUYS
JUST . . . JUST FUCKING COMPROMISE
LIKE I KNOW THERE’S A RULE ABOUT THE FOOD OR WHATEVER
AND I DONT EVEN KNOW WHY WE HAVE THAT RULE HONESTLY
BUT LIKE
I AM LITERALLY FREEZING MY BALLS OFF UP HERE
SO HOW ABOUT HADES GETS HER FOR SIX MONTHS
AND DEMETER GETS HER FOR THE OTHER SIX?”
and Demeter says “Fine
but I’m gonna freeze the shit out of everything for the six months my daughter is gone.”
and Zeus says “Fine
guess I’m just going to have to double up on the amount of banging I do in the summer.”
and Hades says “Fine
I guess I’ll have to double up on the amount of banging I do during the winter.”
And it works out in the end
because both Zeus and Hades know
that when either one of them is getting laid
he does not have to ever worry about thinking about the other one having any sex
and just ruining the mood
because they both know for a fact
that they are never getting laid at the same time ever.
That’s how that works.
So the moral of this story is once again for the gentlemen:
Gentlemen
learn to cook
one home-cooked meal, and BAM
she will be trapped inside of your house forever
or for half the year if she has a good lawyer.
HEPHAESTUS GETS DICKED AROUND A LOT
So one of the most inexplicable things about the Greek pantheon
is that Aphrodite is married to Hephaestus
Aphrodite is like the high school cheerleader of the Greek pantheon
and Hephaestus is the guy with the gimp leg
who is always making historically accurate World War II models.
He doesn’t actually make World War II models
because World War II has not been invented yet
but he does have a gimp leg I’m not making that part up.
He got it because when Zeus and Hera first had him
he was SO UGLY
that they actually THREW HIM OFF OF MOUNT OLYMPUS
and he fell for seven days
and they only ever let him back up on Olympus
once he showed them that he could make them really nice jewelry.
ZEUS AND HERA:
ULTIMATE PARENTING
Look, the point is that Aphrodite is the goddess of boning everyone all the time
and Hephaestus is the god of sitting in a forge all day
making armor and swords for all the muscle-y dudes
who go out and murder other muscle-y dudes and then bone everyone all the time
So why the fuck is Hephaestus married to Aphrodite?
How did he score such sweet tail?
Well, first of all Hera felt bad about chucking him off a cliff
and her idea of an apology was to GIVE HIM APHRODITE.
(Ultimate parenting)
And second of all
Aphrodite is the goddess of boning EVERYONE
ALL THE TIME
so it’s not like she’s gonna actually be faithful or anything
and in fact she is sort of making a habit of boning Ares the god of war
who is like the quarterback to her slutty cheerleader.
She is actually doing this IN HEPHAESTUS’S BED when he is out working at the forge
probably making armor for Ares even.
But Hephaestus gets wise to their crafty scheme
mainly because the Sun is a gossipy bitch
and he decides to show his cheating whore of a wife what’s what
WITH SCIENCE.
So he melts down the armor he was making for Ares
and he uses all the metal to make some chains
and then he uses his mad skills to turn these chains into a giant indestructible net
that is also invisible somehow
and then he hangs the net over his bed like a canopy
and the next time Aphrodite and Ares hop in there for a little bit of wango bango
Hephaestus leaps into the room all like
“SURPRISE, BITCH!”
Except he can’t leap because he has a gimp leg
but anyway he drops the net on them
and it traps them on his bed
BUT THE JOKE’S ON HIM because they had no intention of leaving the bed
and they’re both like “Welp
we’re caught.
Might as well continue our boner fiesta in plain view.”
BUT THE JOKE’S ON THEM
because Hephaestus invited all the other gods to come hang out in his bedroom today.
So they all start rolling in
and Dionysus is laughing his ass off
because he can totally see nipple
and Poseidon pokes Zeus and says “Would you tap that?”
and Zeus says “Probably I already have.”
(I am not making that up.
That shit is in The Odyssey.)
But really the joke is still on Hephaestus
because his wife is boning another man right in front of him
and even the best blacksmith cannot repair a broken relationship.
ORPHEUS ROCKS HARD
Seriously, this dude has all the hookups.
First of all his mom is a Muse
specifically the Muse of singing.
Second of all, when he is l
ike five years old Apollo shows up at his house
all like, “WHAT UP, ORPHEUS
I AM HERE TO BANG ONE OF YOUR MOM’S SISTERS
HEY, DO YOU WANT A LYRE?”
For those of you who don’t know
a lyre is basically a kind of ultraharp.
Pretty much how it works
is if Apollo gives you one then you have a future in the music industry.
So naturally at some point Orpheus just goes down to Earth
and starts melting face with his amazing music.
Seriously, this shit is fantastic.
It is so fantastic that when this dude Jason is getting some Argonauts together
(Argonauts are dudes who go around on a boat called the Argo)
he is like
“I know we are all seriously bad dudes on this ship
with like muscles and stuff
but you know what we need?
We need a dude with a lyre.”
And they get Orpheus.
And then when they sail past the Sirens
who sing such sexy music that any dude who hears it drowns himself trying to hit that
Orpheus proceeds to solo SO HARD
that nobody can hear the Sirens
and anyway nobody cares
because Orpheus is wayyyy better than those skanks.
So obviously a dude like this is pulling down tail left and right
like he’s trying on costumes at the Godzilla costume warehouse
but his favorite chick is this broad named Eurydice.
I don’t know that much about her
but probably she was pretty hot
because, I mean Orpheus was essentially the ultimate rock star
with, like
additional rock stars taped to each of his fingers.
He had his pick of the crop is what I’m saying.
But Eurydice is none too bright.
because one day
when she and Orpheus are out walking
she steps on a shitload of snakes
and the snakes kill her, obviously.
This is what happens when you step on snakes.
If only Tiresias had been around this might never have happened.
So Orpheus just sits right down and composes THE ULTIMATE EMO SYMPHONY.
It is so incredibly drenched in secret pain
that Zeus comes down and is like “Hey, man
I cannot get these chicks in the mood with this Linkin Park shit you got goin’ on.
Play some Barry Manilow or something, jeez.”
But Orpheus says “Sorry, man I am just way too bummed.”
and Zeus says “Okay, crybaby
Zeus Grants Stupid Wishes: A No-Bullshit Guide to World Mythology Page 3