“The President deserves credit for recognizing what the wealthiest .00001 percent have known for years,” Mr. Howell said. “It’s well-nigh impossible to maintain a dozen households around the world, stable after stable of racehorses and a fleet of private jets if your dividends are being taxed.”
Mr. Howell differed with the President only in one minor detail—the theory that the new round of tax cuts would stimulate spending by the wealthiest Americans.
“Anyone who thinks we’re going to spend more just doesn’t know how the wealthiest .00001 percent thinks,” Howell said. “We’re stingy fucks.”
NEW TAPE MAY MEAN AL GORE IS ALIVE
Intelligence Analysts Studying Chilling Today Show Appearance
A videotape purporting to show former Vice President Al Gore appearing on NBC’s Today show with Katie Couric to promote a new book is the strongest evidence to date that Mr. Gore may be alive, intelligence sources said today.
While the former Democratic standard-bearer had been virtually invisible since the 2000 election, leading many to believe that he had disappeared for good, the Today show tape offered chilling proof that he may in fact be alive and could be threatening to run for President again.
U.S. intelligence analysts were said to be closely examining the tape to determine if the person sitting on Ms. Couric’s couch is in fact Mr. Gore, but were withholding a final verdict until further analysis could be performed.
“The person on the tape could very well be Al Gore,” said a source familiar with the videotape. “On the other hand, it could also be a full-sized wooden puppet painted to resemble Al Gore.”
The source said that the process of authenticating the tape was made more difficult by the fact that it is “almost impossible” to tell the difference between Mr. Gore and a full-sized wooden puppet, the chief difference being that a wooden puppet is “slightly more animated.”
A chilling new tape features a man who looks much like former Vice President Al Gore (right), suggesting that Mr. Gore may be alive, as some have feared.
Intelligence analysts are comparing the Today show tape to tapes of Mr. Gore’s 2000 debates to determine if in fact Mr. Gore is alive, as some Democratic strategists fear he may be.
“What’s tricky about this is that after looking at the tapes of the debates, it’s not clear that Al Gore was alive back in 2000, either,” the source said.
KIM’S BLOG
We’ve got a little joke around the office in Pyongyang. When somebody does something really loser-y, instead of going “Loser!” we’ll go “Al Gore!” Like most jokes, this one has the element of truth, which is why it’s so funny.
I mean, really, how do you get more votes than the other guy and still wind up not getting elected? To me, this is a pretty good reason for not having any elections at all (like I needed a reason!!).
Every now and then, though, my political advisors tell me that running for election in North Korea would be a good thing, politically. I mean, I know everybody loves me and all, but it would be awesome to have the numbers to prove it. The only thing that’s stopped me so far has been that one nagging question: “What if I wind up like Al Gore, and get the most votes, but still lose?”
That’s when I had a brainstorm: if I ever run for President of North Korea, I’ll run against Al Gore! I don’t think it’s physically possible to lose an election to Al Gore—it defies all the laws of the universe.
I guess there’s always a remote chance that Al Gore would beat me somehow, but if he did, I’d just explode a nuclear bomb on his head. I’m all for experimenting with democracy, but I’m not nuts.
MICROSOFT BUYS MASSACHUSETTS
State to be Renamed “Microchusetts”
Software giant Microsoft bought the entire Commonwealth of Massachusetts today, thus removing the last remaining obstacle to its antitrust settlement with the U.S. Justice Department.
In a statement released today at Microsoft headquarters in Redmond, Washington, company cofounders William Gates and Steven Ballmer confirmed that they had purchased Massachusetts “lock, stock and barrel” for $17.2 billion, which is believed to be the state’s breakup value.
“We are looking forward to integrating Massachusetts into our operations and making this historic state a vibrant part of the Microsoft family,” the statement read, adding that the state will now be known as “Microchusetts.”
In Massachusetts, Microsoft is purchasing a state with a storied past, beginning with its role as one of the original thirteen colonies of what was eventually to become the United States of America.
But it is also buying the only state that had appealed the Justice Department’s landmark antitrust settlement with Microsoft, an appeal that is likely to be dropped now.
Former Massachusetts Attorney General Tom Reilly, who was personally given his walking papers by Mr. Ballmer late Saturday night, cautioned that Microsoft’s acquisition of Massachusetts “doesn’t pass the smell test.”
But while some legal experts believe that the acquisition of a major U.S. state may create new antitrust woes for the software giant, Gates and Ballmer hope to appease Justice Department lawyers by spinning off the Boston Red Sox, a franchise in which the Microsoft cofounders are said to have “no interest” in retaining.
Across the state today, citizens seemed to be taking Massachusetts’ evolution from a U.S. state to a division of Microsoft in stride.
“We’ll probably have better dental,” one Massachusetts resident said.
Microsoft founder Bill Gates tells shareholders that the company has completed its controversial acquisition of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts.
CHENEY, BRIEFLY ASSUMING BUSH’S DUTIES, SAYS HE ENJOYED THE DOWNTIME
President’s Colon Procedure Offered Welcome Break from Grueling Vice Presidential Schedule
Vice President Dick Cheney, having briefly assumed President Bush’s duties while the President underwent a routine colon procedure on Saturday, told reporters today that he “enjoyed the downtime immensely.”
The two hours and fifteen minutes spent doing Bush’s job were “incredibly relaxing,” Mr. Cheney said, adding that they were a welcome relief from his exacting vice presidential schedule.
Invoking the Twenty-fifth Amendment to the Constitution Saturday morning, Mr. Bush transferred to Mr. Cheney all of his presidential responsibilities, which meant that Mr. Cheney spent Saturday jogging, going to the gym, and hitting a ball for Mr. Bush’s dog to retrieve.
In addition, Mr. Cheney called the nations of East Timor and Luxembourg “evil,” stumbling briefly over the pronunciation of Luxembourg.
Finally, as Mr. Bush’s colon procedure was winding down, Mr. Cheney made some remarks about the Japanese economy, mistakenly using the word “devaluation” instead of “deflation,” sending the Nikkei stock market into a tailspin.
All in all, Mr. Cheney said he emerged from his brief tenure as President rested and refreshed, ready to plunge back into his demanding vice presidential workload.
As for the President, Mr. Bush’s doctors pronounced his procedure a success, but said that they were having difficulty determining whether or not the President’s anesthesia had fully worn off.
Mr. Bush’s doctors indicated that when they asked the President the standard postoperative questions—such as “What is the capital of the United States?”—Mr. Bush got only two out of five correct.
“Before the operation, he got three out of five right,” one doctor said.
Mr. Cheney called his time assuming the President’s duties “a much-needed rest.”
MAN, 37, SEES MONA LISA SMILE
Suffered No Lasting Damage, Medical Expert Says
An Indiana man who had intended to see the Russell Crowe adventure film Master and Commander last Saturday night accidentally bought a ticket to the Julia Roberts chick-flick Mona Lisa Smile instead and watched the movie until its conclusion, sources close to the man revealed today.
Brian Hogan, 37, of Gary, Indian
a, is believed to be the only man in America who has actually sat through the Mona Lisa film in its entirety.
Friends of Mr. Hogan said that being subjected to the soapy tearjerker was “a scarring experience” for the tool-and-die sales rep, who had been looking forward to celebrating his birthday Saturday night by watching a movie with a lot of things blowing up in it.
There is little in the medical literature documenting the effects of a three-hanky film on a man’s health, says Dr. Harold Crone of the University of Minnesota Medical School.
“There is only one famous case, that of a man who accidentally wandered into a showing of the Barbra Streisand film The Way We Were, in 1973,” says Dr. Crone. “In that case, there was no lasting medical damage, and the man went on to perform a very successful cabaret act.”
Dr. Crone said that the worst-case scenario for Mr. Hogan would be that his body might undergo “slight changes,” as if he had accidentally ingested a small amount of female hormones.
At press time, Mr. Hogan was refusing to answer reporters’ questions, saying only that he was “hurt and upset” that they had forgotten his birthday.
Exposure to Julia Roberts films such as Mona Lisa Smile may have no lasting hormonal effects on men, medical experts say.
FBI ORDERS “WHILE-YOU-WERE-OUT” MESSAGE PADS
Trip to OfficeMax Crucial to Agency’s Overhaul, Mueller Says
In what its director described as a “crucial” first step to upgrade the Federal Bureau of Investigation’s intelligence-gathering capabilities, the FBI paid a visit to an OfficeMax superstore today and bought “a substantial number” of While-You-Were-Out message pads.
The agency, which has never had access to such message pads in the past, believes that the introduction of the While-You-Were-Out pads will dramatically improve the relaying of phone messages at FBI headquarters and in field offices across the country.
FBI Director Robert Mueller, speaking at a press conference in Washington, D.C, said that the FBI had also purchased “these little yellow reminder thingies with stick-um stuff on the back so you can post them on your desk and whatnot.”
Mueller added that the FBI was “intrigued” by a machine they saw at OfficeMax that could record phone messages and store them while an FBI employee was away from his or her desk.
“Once the phone messages are played back, they could theoretically be written down on the While-You-Were-Out pads,” Mueller said.
While Mueller pronounced the trip to OfficeMax “a resounding success,” FBI whistleblower Colleen Rowley revealed today that she had urged the agency to invest in While-You-Were-Out pads months ago—but no one listened.
“I then tried to write a memo about it, but there were no pens or paper anywhere in the office,” Rowley complained. “This visit to OfficeMax, I’m afraid, is too little too late.”
For his part, Mueller said he welcomed Rowley’s latest round of criticism.
“I’m always delighted to have Colleen Rowley rip me a new one,” Mueller said.
The FBI’s visit to OfficeMax to purchase While-You-Were-Out message pads represents a major ramping up in the war on terror, FBI officials say.
SOTHEBY’S AUCTIONS RARE HOME MOVIES OF BOB CRANE NOT HAVING SEX
Startling Footage of Fully Clothed Hogan Fetches Record Bid
In London today, leading auction house Sotheby’s auctioned a reel of rare, recently discovered home movies of Hogan’s Heroes actor Bob Crane not having sex.
The extaordinary footage of a fully clothed Crane engaged in such nonsexual activities as reading the newspaper and washing his car fetched a winning bid of $1,825 million, exceeding even Sotheby’s most optimistic expectations.
“Given that these are, to our knowledge, the only home movies of Mr. Crane not having sex, the high price is justified,” said Clive Widdington, a spokesman for the auction house.
The rare footage, discovered in the attic of a home in El Paso, Texas, where Mr. Crane had appeared in dinner theater in the seventies, at first appeared to be a hoax.
“When I first saw the videos, I said to myself that this could not possibly be Bob Crane,” said Dr. Bernard Fulton of the University of Minnesota. “For one thing, he had his pants on.”
But Dr. Fulton, who teaches a graduate course in the home movies of Bob Crane and ultimately authenticated the sex-free Crane footage, warned that the movies “should not force us to call into question all of our previous thinking about Bob Crane.”
For decades, collectors have been searching for rare home videos of actor Bob Crane not having sex, Sotheby’s confirmed.
“Even though he is not having sex in these movies, it’s safe to say that he’s thinking about having sex,” Dr. Fulton said.
The winning bid for the footage of Bob Crane not having sex established a new record for a celebrity home movie auctioned by Sotheby’s, topping the $1.675 million paid for a 1997 home movie of actress Pamela Anderson not having sex.
BUSH ACCUSES IRAQ OF HIDING WEAPONS IN NORTH KOREA
Calls North Koreans Dupes of Saddam’s Latest Scam
In a bombshell with serious ramifications for U.S. foreign policy, President Bush today accused Iraqi strongman Saddam Hussein of hiding nuclear weapons in North Korea.
While the President offered no hard evidence to back up his startling claim, he insisted that the so-called secret North Korean nuclear weapons program was actually a secret Iraqi nuclear weapons program.
He went on to quote intelligence reports suggesting that Saddam Hussein had sent the weapons to North Korea in big wooden crates stamped with the logo of Harry & David’s, a popular food-by-mail gift service, to avoid interdiction en route.
“This may be the evilest thing this doer of evil has ever done,” Mr. Bush said.
Mr. Bush’s stunning announcement may have been meant to deflect criticism of the administration’s policy of being mean to Iraq but not quite so mean to North Korea.
But North Korea complicated that effort somewhat by announcing later in the day that the weapons were in fact their own and did not come from Iraq, adding that Saddam Hussein did not even have North Korea’s mailing address or home phone number.
For his part, the President quickly dismissed North Korea’s denials, calling the North Koreans “dupes” of Saddam’s evil plan to sneak nuclear weapons into their country.
“The fact that Saddam has snuck evil weapons into North Korea and has somehow convinced the North Koreans that they made them themselves just goes to show you how dangerous Iraq is and how not-dangerous North Korea is,” the President said.
North Korean soldiers stand guard near a supersecret hiding place where Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein is believed to have hidden weapons of mass destruction.
KIM’S BLOG
During the months leading up to the war with Iraq, Bush and Colin Powell and Condoleezza Rice and Donald Rumsfeld kept going on TV talking about how dangerous Saddam Hussein was, and I was like, What am I, chopped liver?
You’ve got to understand—I’ve spent half my life trying to prove how evil I am. My reputation is totally based on that. If people don’t think I’m evil, what do I have to show for all of those reprocessed spent fuel rods? Jack shit, that’s what.
So here comes Saddam Hussein, who’s basically just been sitting in Baghdad getting fat and with those two loser sons of his, pretending like he’s got all of this awesome bio-shit (Dr. Germ, Mrs. Anthrax—fuck, those people sounded like characters out of Clue) and suddenly he’s the most evil guy in the world? Excuse me, but that sucks.
Then I turned on the TV on Halloween and there were American kids trick-or-treating as Saddam Hussein. Not a single Kim Jong II mask in the bunch. Hellooo! Earth to America! Evil guy over here! Restarting nuclear reactors!
I don’t want to make it look like Saddam and I have a whole Freddy vs. Jason thing going, but come on! After a while, it’s pretty hard to take. I’m cranking out seven fucking nuclear weapons a day—give me my props already.
; DENNIS MILLER TAKES OBSCURE, HARD-TO-UNDERSTAND PARTING SHOT AT ABC
Fired
Comedian Dennis Miller, fired from ABC’s Monday Night Football last week, lashed out at ABC Sports today in a blistering tirade packed with obscure literary and pop cultural references that may take his former bosses years to decipher.
“Hey, you guys pulled a Pete Best on me,” Miller told the executives at ABC Sports. “Well, you don’t need to show me the exit. Who am I, Jean-Paul Sartre?”
The ABC executives begged Miller to slow down so that they could look up some of the items contained in the often-baffling comedian’s trademark “rant,” but Miller, seemingly undeterred, soldiered on in the same arcane vein.
“When I heard you were replacing me with Madden, I was like, isn’t that the guy who played Reuben Kincaid on The Partridge Family?” Miller said, in an apparent reference to football announcer John Madden and former TV actor Dave Madden.
It is believed that only three or four people in North America, excluding Miller himself, are sufficiently aware of both Maddens in order to understand, and therefore enjoy, Miller’s confusing remark.
A spokesman for ABC said the network was confused by many of the obscure cultural references in a statement released by comedian Dennis Miller.
Skewering announcer Madden’s use of the “telestrator” to diagram football plays. Miller said, “That guy makes more points than Georges Seurat on the Island of the Grande Jatte. Calling Stephen Sondheim!”
The Borowitz Report Page 3