“We wish Greta well in her new job,” CNN said today in a prepared statement, “but may the best head win.”
HEAD TO HEAD: Fox News’ Greta Van Susteren said she is “stoked” about squaring off against her old head in a much-anticipated ratings battle with CNN.
BUSH REBUFFED BY MODEL U.N.
Pretend-Diplomats Call President’s Request “Bogus”
Just days after receiving a chilly reception from the United Nations, President Bush took his appeal for Iraq aid to the Model United Nations, a group of two thousand high school students meeting in San Diego.
The Model U.N., which convenes once a year to simulate the proceedings of the world body, is primarily an educational organization and is therefore unaccustomed to requests for troops, funds, and billions of dollars in loans—precisely what the President asked the teenage delegates for today.
“The United States liberated Iraq to preserve the credibility not only of the United Nations, but of the Model United Nations as well,” Mr. Bush told the high school students, to muted applause.
While many in attendance seemed unmoved by the President’s appeal, Mr. Bush received the frostiest reception by far from the high school students pretending to represent France and Germany.
“When he was, like, ‘Give us billions of dollars and whatnot,’ I was, like, ‘This is bogus,’” said Josh Greenstein, the ambassador from France.
President Bush was reportedly blindsided by the Model U.N.’s chilly response to his speech this week.
The German ambassador, Lum Chao, echoed his French colleague’s dismissive remarks about Mr. Bush’s speech.
“Dude was trippin’,” Mr. Chao said. “Yo, when do we go to SeaWorld?”
Speaking to CNN’s Wolf Blitzer later in the day, Vice President Dick Cheney criticized the Model U.N., arguing, “If the Model U.N. does not act, then they are little more than a glorified debating society.”
OPENLY EPISCOPAL MAN JOINS VILLAGE PEOPLE
Controversy Threatens to Tear Disco Band Asunder
For the first time in their three decades of existence, the disco band the Village People have inducted an openly Episcopal man, igniting a controversy that threatens to tear the fabled group asunder.
Holding a press conference in New York City today, the Construction Worker, a prominent member of the Village People since its inception in the 1970s, urged “tolerance and understanding” for its latest member, the Episcopal Guy, who joined the group over the weekend.
“From the start, the Village People have been all about inclusiveness,” the Construction Worker said. “And introducing the Episcopal Guy as our latest member is part of that tradition.”
While the Indian Chief and the Fireman were reportedly in agreement with the Construction Worker about including the Episcopal Guy in the band, the Policeman, the Cowboy, and the Leather-clad Guy were reportedly opposed, creating speculation that the Village People might split up into two smaller, somewhat less influential disco bands.
Meanwhile, one full day after rap impresario Sean “P. Diddy” Combs ran the New York City Marathon, Mr. Combs’ posse finally crossed the finish line with a time of 30:16:27.
While the posse’s finish was unimpressive compared to that of the winner, Kenyan Martin Lel, it does set a new record for best finish by a bloated entourage of leeches and parasites.
The introduction of an openly Episcopal man could split the Village People into two smaller, less influential disco bands.
UNNAMED WHITE HOUSE SOURCE DENIES LEAK
White House Denies Leaking Denial
An unnamed White House source last night vigorously denied leaking classified information about a CIA operative, sending the White House scrambling to identify the source of the leaked denial.
The unnamed source leaked a strongly worded denial of the previous leak in phone conversations with over two hundred newspaper columnists across the country.
“We are not in the business of leaking information,” the unnamed source said.
Ben Trimble, a political columnist for the Canton (Ohio) Star-Ledger, attempted to STAR-69 the call in order to identify the source of the leaked denial, but to no avail.
“It wouldn’t disclose the phone number or the location,” Mr. Trimble said. “That kind of made me think it was Cheney.”
At the White House, spokesman Scott McClellan said that the administration would launch a “full investigation” to determine the source of the leaked denials.
“If someone is out there denying leaks, that is very serious business,” Mr. McClellan said. “Denying leaks is my job.”
But moments after Mr. McClellan spoke, columnists received a new round of anonymous phone calls, this time denying that the White House had been the source of the earlier denials.
White House spokesman Scott McClellan said that the unnamed source who has been denying leaks remains unnamed and unknown.
As the number of anonymous leaks from the White House mounts to a dozen or more a day, newspaper columnists are increasingly signing up for the Federal “Do Not Call” list to keep unnamed White House sources from bothering them at home.
“The first couple of leaks I didn’t mind,” said the Star-Ledger’s Trimble. “But these guys keep calling me at dinnertime.”
In other news, the White House acknowledged today that the President’s approval numbers were slipping, but added that they are still higher than his grades at Yale.
SCIENTISTS DOUBT THE EXISTENCE OF MIRA SORVINO
Nineties Actress Joins Bigfoot, Loch Ness Monster as Product of Mass Hysteria
The actress Mira Sorvino, who at one point during the 1990s seemed to appear in every movie released by Hollywood, has all but vanished from the current entertainment scene—leading some prominent scientists to believe that she may have never existed in the first place.
“The phenomenon we call ‘Mira Sorvino’ is increasingly looking like a product of mass hysteria,” says Dr. Simon Trullo of the University of Minnesota, who has been at the vanguard of Sorvino skeptics in the scientific community.
“Like many of my colleagues, I don’t question the sincerity of those who believe that ‘Mira Sorvino’ exists,” Dr. Trullo says. “But in the absence of any proof that she does, we can only conclude that what people think is ‘Mira Sorvino’ is probably something else.”
A phone call to a Canton, Ohio, Blockbuster video store seemed to bear out Dr. Trullo’s claim that Mira Sorvino does not exist.
Karl, the clerk who answered the phone, could not locate a video featuring Mira Sorvino anywhere in the store’s inventory.
“Are you sure you don’t mean Mena Suvari?” the clerk said, referring to the starlet of American Beauty and American Pie fame.
The video clerk is not alone in his confusion, since some scientists—admittedly a minority—are currently testing the hypothesis that Mira Sorvino and Mena Suvari may in fact be the same person.
Scientists believe that the phenomenon known as Mira Sorvino may have merely been the product of mass hysteria.
“They’re not,” Dr. Trullo says. “The dates simply don’t add up.”
Some stubborn Mira Sorvino believers point to the actress’s acceptance, on national television, of the Best Supporting Actress Oscar for the film Mighty Aphrodite—but Dr. Trullo remains unconvinced.
“Like man landing on the moon, Mira Sorvino winning that Oscar is something that many people saw on TV, yet none of them can prove really happened,” Dr. Trullo says.
RUMSFELD PROPOSES MERGING IRAQ, AFGHANISTAN INTO IRAQISTAN
Ten-lane Highway Through Iran Would Unite Two War Zones
As part of his long-term goal of remaking the Middle East, Secretary of Defense Donald H. Rumsfeld today suggested merging Iraq and Afghanistan into one nation, tentatively named Iraqistan.
The merger of the two nations would result in “significant” savings, Mr. Rumsfeld said, since the cost of escalating one great big war was smaller than that of escalating two small
er wars.
To complete the merger, Mr. Rumsfeld said, a ten-lane highway through Iran would be built by the Halliburton Company at an estimated cost of $800 billion.
Explaining the choice of Halliburton, Mr. Rumsfeld said, “Halliburton has by far the most experience at being granted enormous contracts without bidding for them.”
Just hours after Mr. Rumsfeld’s announcement, President Mohammad Khatami of Iran objected to the Secretary of Defense’s plan, particularly Mr. Rumsfeld’s proposal to line the Iranian superhighway with Motel 6 and Denny’s franchises.
Moments after Mr. Khatami’s speech, however, Mr. Rumsfeld issued a fresh warning to the Iranian leader: “If Iran so much as obstructs the construction of even one Denny’s or Motel 6, that will be seen as a direct threat to the sovereignty of the Iraqistanian people.”
Combining Iraq and Afghanistan into one country would mean “one less country pissed off at the U.S.,” said Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld (left).
Mr. Rumsfeld, while stopping short of threatening Iran with war, said he would not rule out incorporating Iran into a new nation, tentatively named Iraqiranistan.
While some foreign policy experts worry that an Operation Iraqiranistanian Freedom might spread the U.S.’s military resources too thin, Mr. Rumsfeld identified what he called a “huge upside” of such a war: “Instead of three nations being pissed off at us, there’d just be one.”
KIM’S BLOG
A frightening whack-job who laughs when he talks about invading other countries, refuses to answer questions posed to him by the press and shrouds his every move in secrecy? Throw in a goofy pair of wire-rimmed glasses, and who are we talking about?
If you guessed “Kim Jong II,” you’re wrong—the correct answer is “Donald Rumsfeld.”
Why yours truly is considered a menace to the universe while Rumsfeld is considered a protector of peace and freedom everywhere is one of those enduring mysteries I’ll never fathom. And to make matters worse, as far as I’m concerned Rummy completely stole my act!
A couple of years ago, one of my associates from the Ministry of Retribution came running into my office with a videotape. He was like, “Kim, check this out.” So I stopped playing Tetris and popped the tape into the VCR. Dude, what I saw totally blew my mind: there was Rummy, in a Pentagon briefing, cackling away like a maniac and bisecting the air with a chopping motion lifted directly from the Korean art of self-defense known as Hapkido—in other words, my fucking hand gestures. It totally freaked me out.
My advisors said I should sue the bastard for copyright infringement, but I’ve never been a litigious guy. Like so many other disputes, this is just one of those things that I think is best settled by nuclear war.
IRAQI INFORMATION MINISTER MOVES TO AOL TIME WARNER
Named Company’s Official Spokesman
Muhammad Said al-Sahhaf, the former Information Minister of Iraq, was named today as the new official corporate spokesman for AOL Time Warner in New York.
Mr. al-Sahhaf, who just days ago had been saying that coalition troops were nowhere near the gates of Baghdad, had generally positive things to say about AOL Time Warner’s prospects in today’s competitive media environment.
“The merger of AOL and Time Warner was the most successful merger in the history of the media world,” said Mr. al-Sahhaf, wearing his trademark beret. “All you have to do is take a look at the value of our executives’ stock options—they’re worth untold billions.”
AOL Time Warner anticipates a “banner year for revenues and profits,” the former Iraqi Information Minister confirmed.
Mr. al-Sahhaf disputed reports that the company was desperately trying to raise cash by selling assets such as its two Atlanta sports teams.
“No parts of this company are for sale—in fact, we’d like to go on a buying spree right now,” Mr. al-Sahhaf said. “That’s what companies do when their bottom lines are gushing cash, which is precisely what ours is doing.”
Mr. al-Sahhaf also took issue with reports that Ted Turner, a major AOL TW stockholder, felt alienated from the company: “That is insane! Ted Turner is deliriously happy! At our last board meeting he was purring like a little kitten. Ask anyone who was there.”
While many on Wall Street welcomed Mr. al-Sahhaf’s upbeat assessment of the company’s prospects, Ira Hogan of Credit Suisse First Boston lowered his recommendation on AOL TW to “sell,” primarily because of the company’s decision to hire Mr. al-Sahhaf.
Asked to comment on Mr. Hogan’s move, Mr. al-Sahhaf replied, “That gangster bastard will meet with a fiery doom of his own making.”
OBESITY MAY BE AMERICA’S SECRET WEAPON IN WAR ON TERROR
Americans Taking Up More Space, Leaving Less for Evildoers
Call it Survival of the Fattest. Obesity, long thought to be one of America’s nagging problems, may be something else entirely—its secret weapon in the war on terror.
A new study out today offers evidence that as America grows fatter, it may actually offer a stiffer challenge to terrorists who wish to infiltrate the U.S. for nefarious purposes.
“The average American today is between fifty and seventy pounds overweight,” said Dr. Charles Reardon, author of the study. “That means that a terrorist who hopes to fit in here would have to eat like a pig to do so.”
Terrorists (pictured above) now have to gain between 100 and 150 extra pounds to successfully infiltrate the U.S. population, experts say.
The end result, Dr. Reardon said, is that any terrorist trying to pass himself off as an obese American would wind up in terrible cardiovascular shape, making him easier for law enforcement to chase in a foot race.
“We’re going to be looking at a whole new generation of flabby, easily winded terrorists,” Dr. Reardon said.
In addition, tougher restrictions on obese passengers by such airlines as Southwest—who requires that obese flyers buy two seats instead of one—will have the effect of “crowding out” would-be terrorists.
“All in all, Americans are taking up more room, leaving less room for evildoers,” Dr. Reardon said.
Dr. Reardon said he hoped that the results of the survey would convince Americans that eating more and exercising less were their patriotic duties.
The study, which was the culmination of six months of intensive research, was commissioned by the Frito Lay Company in conjunction with Kentucky Fried Chicken.
KIM’S BLOG
Not a day goes by that Bush or Cheney or Rice or some other imperialist stooge accuses me of starving my people. Even Colin Powell took his best shot at yours truly, telling reporters, “You can’t eat plutonium.”
Well, all I can say to that is, don’t say you can’t do something if you’ve never tried it. I keep a chunk of plutonium in my fridge, and when I’m looking for a little midnight snack it’s usually the first thing I grab, and not just because it glows in the dark—it’s darn tasty.
But I guess what really honks me off about the “starving my people” business is that in America they’re doing just the opposite: feeding their people to death! The average McDonald’s meal has enough calories to feed an average North Korean family for three years, and longer than that if you throw in a McFlurry.
I think it’s highly ironic that America, with its wall-to-wall Trimspa, Atkins and Bowflex infomercials would take me to task for keeping the people of North Korea thin and trim, but go figure. Like so much else in my relations with the U.S., their attitude toward me can be boiled down to one word: envy. All I can say is, don’t hate the player, hate the game.
BUSH MAY LACK GENE FOR HUMAN SPEECH
President Has No Comment
A team of genetic scientists stunned the world today by revealing that President George W. Bush may lack the gene necessary for human speech.
The scientists, who had been studying the genetic differences between humans and chimps, made the discovery about the President almost by accident, a spokesman for the group said.
“We happened
to be looking at the blood work from the President’s recent physical,” said the spokesman, Dr. Alvin Kunen of the University of Minnesota. “We found extremely high potassium levels, indicating a banana-rich diet rarely found in humans.”
Prompted by the banana clue, scientists probed the President’s DNA further and found “no evidence” of the gene that enables humans to speak.
From the White House, the President had no comment.
But even as some in the administration angrily questioned the scientists’ findings—arguing that the President often said things—Dr. Kunen said that many nonhuman primates were capable of producing basic, “speech-like” utterances.
“In our experiments, we were able to teach a female baboon named Bonny to say such things as ‘tax cut,’ ‘evildoer,’ and ‘regime change,’” Dr. Kunen said. “This should not be confused with actual human speech.”
Scientists believe they have found a genetic explanation for the President’s inability to create human speech.
In a related finding, the scientists said that former President Bill Clinton possessed an “abnormal double-gene” for human speech, meaning that it was “virtually impossible to get him to shut up.”
Mr. Clinton’s DNA was culled during his second term in office, when the former President’s genetic material was widely disseminated.
$87 BILLION FOR IRAQ SPENT IN FIRST TWO DAYS
Additional $87 Billion Sought
Two days after Congress granted the White House $87 billion for continuing operations in Iraq, the White House revealed that the money had been completely spent over the weekend.
The Borowitz Report Page 6