DAVID BLAINE TO GO 44 DAYS WITHOUT PUBLICITY
Boldest Stunt Yet for Master Magician
Internationally renowned magician David Blaine stunned the world today by announcing that for his next stunt he would attempt to go forty-four days without publicity.
A spokesman for the master illusionist confirmed that, commencing November 1, Mr. Blaine would go forty-four days “without generating headlines, appearing in TV specials, or being photographed in New York nightclubs with German supermodels.”
While some in the world of magic and illusion called Mr. Blaine’s audacious new stunt his boldest ever, others doubted that he could pull it off.
Dr. Randall Kendrick, an adjunct professor at the University of Minnesota who teaches a graduate course in the history of celebrity magicians, is among the doubters.
“It is important to remember that, in addition to being a magician, Mr. Blaine is a celebrity,” Dr. Kendrick says. “Celebrities can go without a lot of things for forty-four days—carbs, for example—but publicity is not one of them.”
Dr. Kendrick points to the example of on-again, off-again lovebirds Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck, who canceled their wedding after complaining about the overwhelming crush of publicity, only to be photographed procuring a gun license together a few days later, making tabloid headlines around the world.
“By most estimates, J. Lo and Ben were able to go approximately thirty-six hours without publicity,” Dr. Kendrick says. “I’d be surprised if David Blaine holds out much longer than that.”
In other news, the State of Illinois announced today that it would start buying drugs from Canada, while the State of Ohio confirmed that it would start sleeping with Sweden.
If magician David Blaine (pictured) is to succeed in going forty-four days without publicity, he may have to put his shirt back on, experts say.
MANY HALLIBURTON EXECS STILL WITHOUT EVIAN
Cheney Urges Patience
One month after the conclusion of the active combat phase of the war in Iraq, many Halliburton executives stationed in that country are still without Evian water and other basic necessities, a spokesman for the executives said today.
“We have been promised Evian for weeks, but so far that has been an empty promise,” said Kenneth Barber, the Halliburton spokesman. “It is time for the U.S. to back up its words with actions.”
Halliburton executives stationed in Iraq have been without Evian for weeks, the company confirmed today.
Mr. Barber said that weeks ago, a representative of interim administrator L. Paul Bremer asked the Halliburton employees what kind of water they preferred—“sparkling or still.”
“That was the last we heard from him,” Mr. Barber said. “How long could it take for him to come back with our water?”
Mr. Barber said that the absence of Evian water could set off a humanitarian crisis among the Halliburton executives, many of whom have already gone weeks without Starbucks coffee or flaky croissants.
In a speech to the people of Halliburton, Vice President Dick Cheney urged the increasingly unhappy executives to be “patient.”
“We know that the pace of reconstruction has been slow, but soon Iraq will be full of four-star restaurants and gourmet takeout places that will be the envy of the region,” Mr. Cheney said.
Meanwhile, the Bush administration announced a “major victory” in the search for Saddam’s weapons of mass destruction as it uncovered what it called “a fully operational Botox facility” in Beverly Hills, California.
The White House said that U.S. forces seized significant quantities of Botox and the actress Goldie Hawn.
U.S. DEMANDS EXPLANATION OF WHO BECKHAM IS
Increased Beckham-Related Chatter Has State Department on Edge
The U.S., deluged in recent weeks by press reports and television appearances by someone named “Beckham,” has demanded that the British government offer a “full explanation of exactly who this Beckham person is,” the State Department said today.
“We are not sure what he is famous for, but we would like to know who he is and why exactly we are being forced to care about him all of a sudden,” Secretary of State Colin Powell told reporters in a press briefing today.
While concerns about a sharp uptick in Beckham-related chatter had already put many at the State Department on edge, Beckham’s appearance with his wife Posh Spice at last week’s MTV Movie Awards raised the State Department’s anxiety to the boiling point.
“In addition to explaining who exactly Beckham is, we are asking the British government to remind us who Posh Spice is again,” Mr. Powell said.
While relations between Britain and the U.S. have never been warmer, their close ties could be torn asunder by their differences over Beckham, experts fear.
“In America, almost no one knows who Beckham is, while in Britain, he is considered the most famous person on the planet,” said Dr. Roger Cranepool of the Institute for Foreign Relations at the University of Minnesota. “This is a recipe for disaster.”
One of these people is believed to be David Beckham, the State Department said.
In his press briefing, Secretary Powell also put pressure on Britain’s Tony Blair to explain the title of the recent British film Bend It Like Beckham.
“Not only do we have no idea who Beckham is, we have no idea what ‘bending it’ is,” Mr. Powell said.
AHMED CHALABI BLOWS TELEVISED IRAQI TRIVIA QUIZ
Misspells “Baghdad” on National TV
Disgraced Iraqi National Congress leader Ahmed Chalabi, formerly the Pentagon’s first choice to run the government of the new Iraq, attempted to worm his way back into the Iraqi people’s hearts by appearing last night on a nationally televised Iraqi trivia quiz.
The telecast, which Mr. Chalabi orchestrated with the aid of Iranian agents to demonstrate his fitness to lead Iraq, began with a seemingly confident Chalabi telling the program’s host that he was “totally stoked” about having his Iraqi trivia knowledge put to the test.
Mr. Chalabi started the contest strongly, answering the first question, “What is the capital of Iraq?” with a confident “Baghdad.”
After the host told Mr. Chalabi he had answered the question correctly, Mr. Chalabi responded with an exuberant “Yes!” and pumped his fist in the air.
But when the host asked the next question—“How do you spell ‘Baghdad’?”—the Iraqi exile, who until last year had been out of the country for forty-five years, tensed noticeably.
Mr. Chalabi proceeded to spell “Baghdad” haltingly, omitting the crucial “h.”
“I’m sorry,” the host said. “That was a tricky one.”
Mr. Chalabi’s performance worsened from there, as the long-exiled Iraqi missed such crucial pieces of Iraqi trivia as the nation’s neighbors, major products and official bird.
Ahmed Chalabi’s poor performance during the “lightning round” of a nationally televised Iraqi trivia quiz may put a damper on the former exile’s political aspirations.
After the broadcast, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld said that the show had served at least one purpose, in that it had given the U.S. yet another opportunity to ransack Mr. Chalabi’s house while he was on TV.
KIM JONG IL PLANNING TO BRING ENORMOUS NUCLEAR BOMB TO BEIJING SUMMIT
May Use Big Bomb as Bargaining Chip, State Department Fears
North Korean President Kim Jong II threw a monkey wrench into plans for the upcoming nuclear summit between the U.S. and North Korea by announcing today that he plans to bring an enormous nuclear bomb with him to the Beijing meeting.
Mr. Kim, observers say, may believe that having an enormous nuclear bomb with him at the negotiating table could prove helpful as a bargaining chip in the upcoming talks.
Moments after the controversial announcement, U.S. officials worried aloud that by bringing a huge nuclear bomb with him to Beijing Mr. Kim could be endangering the summit’s chances for success.
“If Kim Jong II shows up in Beiji
ng and there’s a big nuclear bomb sitting next to him at that table, that could wreck everything,” one State Department official said today.
While some at the State Department were hopeful that the mercurial Kim was merely bluffing, others noted with some concern that he had reserved a two-bedroom suite at the Beijing Marriott, accommodations large enough for both him and an enormous nuclear weapon.
At the White House, spokesman Ari Fleischer said that the move by Kim would not scuttle Secretary of State Colin Powell’s appearance at the Beijing summit, but that Mr. Powell now intended to show up with an antiballistic missile system and three aircraft carriers.
Mr. Fleischer added that while war with Pyongyang was not inevitable, the Bush administration had just awarded a $16.2 billion contract to the Bechtel Group for the reconstruction of North Korea “just in case.”
North Korea’s Kim Jong II confirms that he plans to bring an enormous, ticking nuclear bomb with him to the bargaining table this week.
RUMSFELD SEEN HOLDING GLOBE IN HANDS, CACKLING MANIACALLY
Defense Secretary Questions Use of Word “Cackling”
Secretary of Defense Donald H. Rumsfeld was seen running through the streets of Washington late Saturday night carrying a globe and “cackling maniacally,” according to witnesses who saw Mr. Rumsfeld’s startling behavior.
The Defense Secretary was first spotted making his way down Pennsylvania Avenue, witnesses said, and was said to be performing “some kind of a crazy jig.”
“He was shouting ‘The world is mine!’ and just cackling his head off,” said Jonah Braymer, a high school teacher from Duluth who was taking his history students on a tour of the nation’s capital. “The kids were all pretty scared.”
In an appearance Sunday on NBC’s Meet the Press, Mr. Rumsfeld told host Tim Russert that he did in fact run down Pennsylvania Avenue carrying a globe, but denied that he was in any way “cackling.”
“Cackling? Cackling? Goodness gracious be, all you have to do is laugh a little these days and every Gloomy Gus, Nervous Nelly and Henny Penny will say you’re cackling like a maniac,” Mr. Rumsfeld said, cackling.
Elsewhere, in what is being described as “a major step forward on Iraq’s road to democracy,” a team led by White House advisor Karl Rove arrived in Baghdad today to teach the Iraqi people how to make negative campaign ads.
Mr. Rove acknowledged that, since Saddam Hussein ran for President unopposed for twenty-four years, the Iraqis have no experience with the kind of below-the-belt attack ads that have been the hallmark of American democracy.
But Mr. Rove said that if negative campaign ads take hold in Iraq, the politics of personal destruction and character assassination could eventually blossom across the Middle East.
A cackling Donald Rumsfeld (above) minutes before he went on his terrifying spree.
U.S. MAY LAUNCH AIR STRIKES FROM J. LO’S ASS
Move Would Reduce Turkey’s Role, Pentagon Says
The U.S. military is seriously considering launching air strikes against Iraq from Jennifer Lopez’s ass, sources close to both the Pentagon and the singer-actress revealed today.
The plan to use Ms. Lopez’s ass as a staging area for air sorties against Baghdad came as a surprise to many in the international community, since the U.S. had been engaged in protracted negotiations to base troops and weaponry in neighboring Turkey.
But sources close to the discussions regarding Ms. Lopez’s ass said that launching air strikes from the platinum recording artist’s backside afforded the U.S. greater flexibility than the Turkish scenario.
“Right now, we’re looking at a situation where we need to pay thirty billion dollars to get Turkey to let us use its bases,” one Pentagon source said today. “Everything would be so much simpler if we just used J. Lo’s ass.”
In Hollywood, where antiwar sentiments dominate, some observers were surprised that the popular singer-actress would lend her ass to any possible military strike against Iraq.
Additionally, her controversial decision fueled speculation about a possible rift between Ms. Lopez and fiancé Ben Affleck, who had earlier opposed the use of his ass for military purposes.
Jennifer Lopez’s ass (pictured) could be a much more reliable staging area for an air attack than Turkey, a Defense Department spokesman said.
But according to Hollywood talent agent Buddy Schlantz, Ms. Lopez has made a shrewd career move by allowing her ass to join President Bush’s “coalition of the willing.”
“If the United States succeeds in ousting Saddam Hussein, this move is going to take J. Lo’s ass to a whole new level,” Mr. Schlantz said.
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About the Author
Andy Borowitz is a writer, comedian and actor whose humor appears in the New Yorker, the New York Times, and at Newsweek.com. He is the author of Who Moved My Soap?: The CEO’s Guide to Surviving in Prison and Governor Arnold: A Photodiary of His First 100 Days in Office. He is an essayist on National Public Radio’s Weekend Edition Sunday, a regular on CNN’s American Morning and the creator of the award-winning humor site www.borowitzreport.com. He is the first recipient of the National Press Club’s Angele Gingras Humor Award.
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