I stared at the closed door for a moment, too afraid to turn around and look at Blackie, not ready to leave the perfect bubble we were secluded in.
“Lacey,” he started.
“This is the part where you send me away,” I said, swallowing against the lump in my throat before I found the courage to turn around and meet his gaze.
Yeah.
Here it comes.
“You’re better off away,” he stated. “You’re too good for this life, girl,” he said huskily.
“That’s a poor attempt at softening the blow of rejection,” I stammered, sliding off his lap.
“It’s not rejection,” he said.
“Feels like it,” I spat.
“This is me saving you one last time because I’m worse than the man with the needle baby,” he paused, standing up and closing the distance between us as he took my hand and laced our fingers together. “I’m the poison inside the needle,” he said, lifting our joined hands to my cheek. “And you? You’re everything good in this world. It’s a good dream, Lace. You and me, it’s a real good dream but dreams don’t come true for men like me.”
He dropped his hand from mine and took a retreating step back.
“They do when you want them enough,” I replied.
He shoved his hands into the pockets of his sweats and focused his eyes on the floor. Without uttering a word Blackie made it clear our conversation was over and so was this stolen moment.
But there would be more.
I was sure of it.
Chapter Sixteen
Four weeks.
Four Saturday’s I missed.
On the fifth Saturday I was discharged from the hospital and to my surprise, Jack was waiting for me. I hadn’t seen him much since the pissing contest over Lacey and thank Christ for that; I didn’t trust myself around him, her—basically anyone with the last name Parrish. Still, the fact that he brushed that shit aside and picked my sorry ass up from the hospital said something…in the larger scheme of things we were brothers.
I just wasn’t sure how long we’d be able to hold onto that.
When it would stop being enough.
I cupped my hand, bringing it to my forehead to act as a visor and shield the sun that was temporarily blinding me.
“It’s about time you got sprung,” Jack quipped, reaching into his pocket and pulling out a pair of my sunglasses. “You’re like a fucking vampire,” he joked.
“Fuck off,” I hissed, snatching the sunglasses out of his hand and fitting them to my face.
He laughed, slapping me on the back and tipped his chin toward the parking lot.
“Let’s get the fuck out of here the boys are waiting at the clubhouse,” he said as we headed to his truck. I folded my discharge papers and shoved them into the back pocket of my jeans.
“Church?” I questioned as he unlocked his truck and we climbed inside. I watched him nod as he started up the truck, leaning back in his seat before he pulled out of the parking spot.
“Been too long since the table was full,” he said, glancing over at me. “Glad to have you back and not a moment too soon,” he added before turning his eyes back to the road. “Reina’s been cooking up a storm since six-fucking-thirty this morning,” he fought back the smile itching to break free. “I don’t know if she can cook, but the woman can sure as hell bake, so I think we’re safe,” he said. “Dinner’s at seven.”
“Dinner?”
“Dinner,” he confirmed. “You beat the odds man. You and Reina made it out of that fucking ordeal, Jimmy got what he was due, sure, we got a boatload of grief to deal with but I’m taking that shit as a win, and we celebrate fucking wins,” he resolved.
“I’m not complaining…it’s just different,” I said.
Celebrations at the Dog Pound usually involved a shit ton of booze, pussy and herb. I don’t recall dinner…and none of us ever had someone cook it for us.
“Fuck, that’s one way to put it,” he grinned, peering at me from the corner of his eye. “Don’t think Reina would appreciate it if I served up some ass with the lasagna she’s cooking.”
I laughed.
“Probably not,” I agreed as my mind wandered and I stared out the window, wondering if Lacey would be at dinner.
I thought about her morning, noon and night, half the time I tried to sleep, hoping my mind would shut down and I wouldn’t think of her but she fucking invaded my dreams too. It’s the same dream over and over, that brings me back to that night when she showed up at the clubhouse and I fucked her. It’s a rewrite, a second chance, and this time I take my time with her. I give her inexperienced body all of me, teach her how to let go and enjoy, how pain becomes pleasure. I give her everything and I take in return—the look in her eye when she comes, when her body succumbs to a pleasure she doesn’t even know exists.
I take and take, lying to myself all the while, believing I’m giving her what she needs, what she craves. I thank the women who came before her and the experience they gave me, making me a capable man who can turn an awkward experience into one she won’t forget. I work her over, gauging her body and the way it responds to mine. Every stroke, every bite, every goddamn flick of my tongue, I watch and I learn what she likes and what she dislikes. I give her more of what she likes, show her things she never imagined, and when she’s primed, when I know I’ve made her as wet as possible I take her. I take that virgin pussy, make it mine and silently vow to be the only man who gets her.
Fucked up shit.
I clear my throat and take a second to rearrange my dick before climbing out of the truck and following Jack into the clubhouse.
“What took you two so long?” Pipe complained, rising from the bar stool he was sitting on.
“Leave ‘em alone they were probably necking in the backseat of the Bulldog’s truck,” Wolf chimed in, a smile spreading across his face as he made his way over, reaching out and messing with my hair. “Glad to see you without the fucking wires and shit,” he said.
“I hate you,” I groaned, slapping his hand away.
“I only got love for you, brother,” he teased.
“Get your ass’s in the chapel,” Jack growled, shaking his head as he threw his arm around Riggs. “Found your heart yet?”
“Working on it, Prez,” he muttered, falling into stride beside him.
Heart.
Jack’s been talking about having heart since he first took the gavel, thinks it’s the only thing that will keep any of us from being reckless.
We didn’t need heart.
We needed a prayer.
We needed God on our side.
Looking around the room, watching as Wolf dry humped the table and Pipe showed everyone pictures of his immigrant wife’s new tits, it became obvious the heavenly father was skipping over this crew.
Jack whistled loudly calling attention of everyone at the table and got down to business. We discussed one disaster after another, tried to salvage what was left of our club but I’m not going to lie, we were fucked.
Financially, the club was hurting. All our money was tied up in the gun business and the deal with Wu was off the table, leaving us with no buyer. We all agreed that the Red Dragons were biding their time and wouldn’t back down just because they got their money. Like, Sun Wu reminded us, we took three lives from him that were worth a damn. The broads didn’t count, he’d likely dispose of them when they ran their course, anyway.
We needed to strengthen our club both in manpower and bankroll so, we set the plan in motion. Pipe would build up the garage, add an extension that gave him more room to work on larger jobs. Jack would go meet with Vic up in Otisville, iron out all the details for when Jimmy would finally be sent up there to rot, or be at Vic’s mercy, however you wanted to word it Jimmy would meet the reaper. Jack also planned on working with Vic to protect whatever interests he had left now. Vic had juice with several unions, been greasing their palm for years, and Jack would try to get the club in on that. Someone had to take
over that shit and before it went to a rival mob organization, Jack wanted dibs.
Wolf would hit the road, visiting charter after charter to recruit men. He had the roughest job of all because nomads were drifters, men who didn’t stay in one place, men who got antsy and only loved the open road. He had to persuade these guys to come over and join the murder. Good luck with that, brother. I can’t wait to see what he brings back…I predict a shit load of crazy because you’d have to be certifiable to voluntary choose this shit.
The rest of the club would be on high alert, keeping the clubhouse and our current interests protected.
That left me.
I was heading up north in a few days to meet with the Corrupt Bastards. It took some convincing, since everyone is more concerned about how I’m going to go out on the road when I have to be at the methadone clinic every morning at seven. But it’s my face they want to see. It’s me who struck the deal with them and me who needed to make shit right. I was going to offer them the guns we were going to sell to the Dragons. Bones was going to rig the van, pull up the floor and hide the weapons beneath it, fill the cage with automotive parts courtesy of Pipes garage, that way if I got pulled over on the highway I looked like a traveling salesman—the car parts type. Riggs is going to hack into my medical records and approve a weekend take home of the methadone and then I’ll be on my way.
It was a lot to digest.
It all wouldn’t happen overnight and as much as we wished there was a quick fix in the works for us we knew we needed to remain patient.
We needed to keep our heads and make sure we all stayed breathing.
But we had tonight, and we had Reina giving us a home cooked meal.
Tomorrow we would go to hell in a handbasket.
I told the guys I’d meet them at Jack’s by seven and I could see the doubt in their eyes. They think I’m going on a mission, that, I’m going to walk out the door, call my dealer and get fucked up. It’s tempting.
But not today.
Today I choose to be clean.
I left them to deal with their suspicions and straddled my bike. I didn’t have much time before the sun set and the gates closed, so stopping off at Ro’s wasn’t in the cards. After missing four Saturday’s there was no way I’d get out of there without that sweet woman giving me the third degree.
I stopped off at a bodega on a corner and bought three colorful bouquets of flowers, dropped them in my saddlebags and took off to Fort Hamilton. I dreaded seeing the dead flowers at Christine’s grave and prepared myself for the guilt that would surface when I saw her name carved into the tombstone.
I parked my bike off to the side and killed the engine, grabbing the flowers as I climbed the hill.
Nothing could’ve prepared me for what I saw next.
Nothing.
I blinked to make sure I wasn’t hallucinating but as I approached Christine’s grave there was no denying the beauty kneeling before the tombstone was real.
Live and in the flesh.
My beautiful Lace knelt before my wife’s grave, re-arranging a fresh bouquet.
My past met my present and for a second I wished for a future.
Beside her laid a wilted bouquet of flowers, one I hadn’t brought there either.
“Hi, it’s me again,” Lacey said, as she leaned back tucking her haunches beneath her ass. “He’ll be back soon,” she promised before her voice trailed off and the only sound became the wind blowing through the trees. “I remember you,” she said finally. “Not much, but I remember you. I was just a kid when you first came around with Blackie and well, I sort of hated you. No, that sounds horrible,” she amended. “I was envious of you. That doesn’t sound much better but it's true. I remember thinking you were pretty but then I saw him look at you and knew that wasn’t the right word to describe you. In a world full of ugly you were his beautiful. You and Blackie, it’s like you were the definition behind that saying beauty is in the eyes of the beholder because as pretty as everyone thought you were, they knew true beauty when they looked at him and watched him stare at you. You were the beautiful reflection in his eyes…the woman who made him smile. Even now that you’re gone I still envy you but I’m not sure what it is I wish for more…. for him to look at me like he used to look at you or for me to be the one that brings back that smile.”
I had no words.
None.
She was sitting here talking to my wife, confessing her feelings for me, and I stood there invading her privacy. I should’ve made my presence known, but I remained perfectly still as my heart broke for the woman I lost and began to mend because of the girl who brought her flowers.
She blew out a breath and slowly stood up, brushing dirt from her legs.
“Anyway, I’m going to get going but before I do, since this will be my last visit, I wanted to ask a favor. I’m not real religious and I know I’m probably just sitting here talking to a stone but just in case the afterlife really exists, can you look out for him? I mean I know you do already. Of course you do, you’re his wife…but still, he needs an angel to watch over him,” she whispered. “Who better than you?”
You.
She turned around, and I silently thanked God for the sunglasses that shielded my eyes as I stared at her. Her cheeks turned red as I extended my free hand and took hers.
“How long have you been standing there?” She asked, glancing down at our joined hands.
“Long enough,” I said huskily, pulling her closer. “Lace.”
I glanced down at the flowers she had brought and then lifted my eyes back to hers.
“You brought her flowers,” I stated.
“I can explain,” she started.
“Just today?”
“No, since you’ve been in the hospital,” she explained. “I haven’t missed a Saturday,” she whispered.
I released her hand as I stared back at her for a moment then placed the flowers I was holding on top of the headstone. I ran my fingers through my hair as I paced the small area in front of Christine’s grave.
“Blackie— “
I turned to her.
“How’d you know?”
“About a year ago, me and my dad came to visit my brother’s grave, and we saw your bike. He told me you come here every Saturday and bring her flowers,” she swallowed. “I just figured— “ “Thank you,” I cut her off, closing the distance between us and wrapping my arms around her, bringing her against my chest I bent my head, pressing my lips to her head. “Thank you,” I repeated, murmuring the words into her hair.
“You’re welcome,” she said as she wrapped her arms around my waist.
I leaned back, tipped her chin upward with the pad of my thumb as she reached up and pushed my sunglasses up on top of my head.
“I get it, you know?” She whispered. “I know what it feels like to lose someone you love and how much it sucks being left behind.”
She dropped her hands to my chest.
“I was five years old when I watched my brother die. I’ve been told my whole life, I was just a kid, and I didn’t really know what was going on but it’s not true. It’s the one day of my life that has stuck with me and when I think about it I can’t help blaming myself. Yeah, I was a kid, and kids are supposed to be carefree but that doesn’t mean they shouldn’t call for help when their little brother is running outside. I knew better, I knew that when I couldn’t get through to my dad I should’ve went next door to the neighbor’s house,” she said as her eyes filled with unshed tears. “I’ll live the rest of my life regretting I didn’t do something to help him. And when I think how undeserving of life I am, I remember that my parents have already lost one child and I tell myself that life goes on and I have to push forward because I have people that need me.”
I took her face in my hands, bending my knees to look into her eyes.
“This world needs you in it Lace, you make it beautiful,” I rasped, leaning in and pressing my lips to hers gently. “You’re the light that makes a
man want to crawl out of the darkness he worships,” I added, leaving out I was the man and she was my light.
Her lashes lowered before she peered through the fringe and back at me.
“I know you miss her. I know you blame yourself still and I also know if you could go back in time you’d trade places with her,” she said, brushing the hair away from my face before laying her palm against my cheek. “But the world, my world, it would be black without you,” she whispered. “I don’t know how it happened, and I probably never will, but you’re a big part of my life and my only wish is that you start living life again.”
I watched as she cocked her head to the side, dropped her hand and smiled slightly.
“And that maybe you’d smile again,” she added. “And if I was granted three wishes the third would be that I was the one to make you smile.”
Then she winked at me and a single tear fell from the corner of her eye.
It was that image of her that would stick with me.
The one I remembered when I drew my final breath.
A plea from her to me.
To live.
To smile.
She made me want to.
“I’m going to go,” she said, wiping away the tear with the back of her hand. “Give you some privacy but I’ll see you at my dad’s.”
I nodded because speaking wasn’t an option. If I opened my mouth, I wouldn’t recognize my voice and the words I would say would bind me to a heaven I wasn’t sure I deserved but one I wanted to live in.
I wrapped my arm around her waist and stepped toward her, bending my head to cover her mouth with mine. A gentle kiss that did what I thought only my words could do…a kiss that took me to heaven.
Chapter Seventeen
Hope.
It wasn’t the right word, but the only one that came to mind as I rang Jack’s doorbell.
For the first time since Christine’s death I felt something and allowed myself to keep on feeling. I didn’t look for a quick hit to numb me. Instead, I embraced it and wondered if I could have more.
Lethal Temptations (Tempted #5) Page 15