by S. Gilmour
“No one’s listening, Paige, relax.”
“Not just intense,” I continued, “but…sometimes I feel so disconnected because I can’t see him.”
“What do you mean you can’t see him?” asked Danielle. She stabbed into a tater tot with a plastic fork and squeezed ketchup onto the tip.
“With the exception of one time, he only, uh… finishes, when he’s behind me.”
“He only comes doggie style?”
“Danielle, really?” Why did she have to be so blunt? I put my half-eaten sandwich back into the bag. I’d lost my appetite.
“Hmm,” she said, narrowing her eyes. “That’s pretty kinky. I underestimated him.” She popped another tater tot into her mouth. “So what’s the problem? Doggie style is the best position for the female orgasm. I read it in Cosmo.”
I set my face in my hands.
“You’re so uptight, Paige. It’s just sex.”
“I always feel weird after. Why won’t he just stay on top?”
“Have you asked him?”
“No,” I blushed. I had a hard enough time talking about it with Danielle.
“I can’t talk to him…about…that.” Could I? He had been pretty open and honest up until this point.
“If you can’t talk about fucking then maybe you shouldn’t be fucking,” she said matter-of-factly.
I squeezed my eyes and shook my head. Danielle was killing me.
“What about bj’s?” she asked.
“Come again?”
“Exactly. Have you ever given him one?”
“Gross, no. I don’t do that.” It wasn’t entirely the truth.
“Everybody does it.”
I had tried with Brit. I had held him in my hand, hesitating, hovering over and stared at it for like five minutes. He had tried to push my head down and I’d rolled off him in disgust.
“You don’t mind receiving them.”
She had me there. “True, but he hasn’t asked me to…uh…”
“Reciprocate?”
“Yes.”
“He’s not going to. You will have to initiate, if you know what I mean. If you want a deeper connection, that’s what will do it. And there’s nothing guys like better, believe me.”
“Ugh! I wouldn’t even know what to do.”
“It can be a big turn on. It’s easy. Pretend you’re licking a popsicle. A large throbbing popsicle. A mansicle.” She tossed her head back and giggled, her dark curls bouncing on her shoulders.
I glanced up at the clock, the bell was about to ring. I looked over to Dillon. He was still sitting with the football players in a sea of red and black letterman jackets. This was so typical. When I loved him he wouldn’t commit and now that I was with Chaz he wanted me back?
Before sixth period Danielle and I caught up with Dillon at his locker. Danielle decided we needed an ambush. Sloane was standing with him. Her doll eyes narrowed into small slits as she saw us approaching.
“Hi Paige,” she said with a huge fake smile. “How are you feeling today? Better?”
“Actually, I’m feeling worse.”
“Maybe it’s because you’re bulimic,” Danielle chuckled and kept walking.
Sloane’s eyes widened.
“What in the hell are you talking about, Paige?” barked Dillon.
“Dillon, can I see you in the library?” It was where we used to go and talk, back when I still loved him.
“Sure.”
“Excuse us,” I said and pried him away from Sloane’s claws.
“Was that a cat fight I just saw?”
“Meow.” I slipped my arm through his. I tossed my Gee Your Hair Smells Terrific hair and smiled sweetly at Sloane over my shoulder. She pouted and stormed off. This was too easy.
Dillon stopped in front of the library and opened the door for me. We walked past tables of kids, some studying or doing homework, some goofing off. I couldn’t help but notice the gawks and glances Dillon received from the girls. Had Chaz commanded a room like this when he was in high school? He strutted past them, shamelessly aware of his appeal. I looked for an empty aisle in the fiction section and he followed.
It felt strange to be back here with him. All kinds of memories flashed through my mind, some good, most of them bad. I looked up into his dark eyes, a small curious smile played on his sensual lips. Lips I had kissed. Danielle was right. I should have slept with him. Maybe it would have been awful and that would have been the end of it. I would have gotten him out of my system for good.
He raked his hands through his tousled hair and leaned his tall frame against the bookshelf. “Sometime today, Paige. I’ve got a yearbook meeting.”
“Your girlfriend is spreading rumors about me.”
“Sloane?”
“You have others?”
“She’s not my girlfriend.”
“She thinks she is.”
“Whatever.” The corners of his mouth turned up in a smooth grin.
I selected a book from the shelf. Pride and Prejudice. Fantastic. “She’s telling everyone I’m bulimic because of what she saw at practice last night.”
He pulled his eyes into a squint. “So what do you want me to do about it?”
“Tell her to stop.”
“Why don’t you tell her yourself?” he said, leaning in closer.
“She won’t listen to me. She’ll definitely listen to you,” I smirked. I could sympathize with what she was going through. I would have run into oncoming traffic for him a couple of months ago.
“Fine. Is that it? You dragged me all the way down here for that?”
“No. There’s more.”
“Oh, Jesus,” he groaned. “What else?”
I didn’t know how to begin. I didn’t know how to tell him to forget about me, that we never were and never would be. Why was this so hard?
“Paige,” he said firmly and stepped toward me. He took the book from me and scanned the cover. “Ugh, Jane Austen.” He shoved it back onto the shelf as I argued with myself.
I couldn’t do it. I chickened out.
“I don’t want you to bring Sloane to any more practices.”
“Fine.” He slipped his arm around my shoulder.
I stepped back. “Fine?”
Someone in the next aisle over shushed us. He drew me in closer. “Yes, if that’s you want.”
That was too easy. I thought he was going to fight me on this one, tell me he could bring whomever he wanted to practice. Tell me it was because I was jealous, blah, blah, blah. But no. I got a “fine.” Why did I feel like I was caught in his web and he was about to devour me?
He reached out to my cheek and slowly pushed the hair back from my face. My face felt like it was on fire and I couldn’t help but turn my cheek into the comfort of his cool palm. He exhaled slowly. “Are we done here?”
“Yes.”
He didn’t let me go and I didn’t pull away. I froze in his embrace. He pressed his fingers into my back. I knew this was taking a turn in a direction I didn’t want to go but I couldn’t stop it. He buried his face in my neck and my heart quickened. I felt like a bubble was swelling around us and we were trapped inside, no air, no room to escape.
“Are you really serious with Chaz?” he whispered. “Or are you trying to forget me?” His lips were inches from mine and it took everything I had not to kiss them. “Is it working?” he murmured, our lips almost touching.
Pull away, Paige! Why wasn’t I pulling away?
His lips brushed over to my ear. “Are you fucking him?”
“That’s none of your business,” I whispered.
It wasn’t a no and we both knew it. What was I doing? Someone might see us. I had to stop this. I knew that what I was about to say would hurt him terribly.
“I love him, Dillon.”
The bubble burst. Dillon jerked back away from me as if I had kicked him, his eyes wide. He scowled down to me and it took me a moment to realize it was a look of disgust on his face.
“You�
�re a fucking idiot.”
“Excuse me?”
“Don’t come crying to me when this all blows up in your face.” He turned and walked back down the aisle. I wanted to throw every book from the shelf at him.
“Dillon!”
He didn’t look back.
As if my day couldn’t get any worse my umbrella broke and Sloane was waiting for me at my car. “If you think I’m going to stand by and watch you flirt with Dillon…” I brushed past her and attempted to unlock my car with slippery wet hands while trying to hold onto my books. She shielded herself with a black umbrella, her long hair peeking out from under the hood of her gray sweatshirt. She looked like a little boy. “You will not come between us. I won’t allow it.”
She won’t allow it? She was totally mental. “Sloane, could you go be crazy somewhere else, please?” I finally got the car door open and tossed my wet books onto the passenger seat.
“He’s mine, Paige.”
“Sloane, he’s not yours. He’s not anything.” I slipped into the seat and slammed the car door. Sloane stormed off but not before pounding the hood of my car with her umbrella.
Chapter Nineteen
Chaz and I stood at the fence, his umbrella shielding us from the light misting of rain as we watched Dusty roll in the muddiest spot in the pasture. She rolled back and forth, her neck twisting from side to side as she coated herself in mud. Chaz smiled but I grimaced, dreading the aftermath of stubborn dried mud clots.
“You’re sure this is okay?” I asked. Chaz’s Uncle Oscar had hauled Dusty over this morning. I still felt awkward about it.
“It really isn’t a big deal, Paige. Besides, Mom likes having a horse out in the pasture again.” Dusty snorted in delight. After several slippery attempts she pulled herself up to a standing position. Drops of mud sprayed from her mane and tail as she shook violently.
“Are you sure that horse was white?” Chaz laughed.
We walked back to the guest house and I peeled off my damp sweatshirt. I sat on the bed and started my homework while Chaz went to take a shower. As soon as I heard him humming I quickly dialed Danielle. I had to report what had happened with Dillon and crazy-ass Sloane.
“She hit your car?” yelled Danielle on the other end of the line.
“Yes!”
“What a basket case! Are you going to tell Dillon what she did?”
“After what happened today I don’t think he’ll be talking to me for a while. Rehearsals for the show are going to be totally awkward.”
“I gotta say, Paige, your life is pretty exciting right now.”
I didn’t think exciting was the right word. More like dramatic. The phone beeped loudly in my ear. “Shit, call waiting. What should I do?”
“Answer it.”
It beeped again. “Crap.”
“Just answer it.”
I told Danielle to hang on but when I switched over the caller had hung up. I heard the water shut off and told Danielle I’d call her back later.
“Were you talking to someone?” asked Chaz, a long white towel hanging loosely from his hips.
“No, why?” I don’t know why I lied. Like he would have cared that I was talking to Danielle. But what I was talking about…that was another story.
“I thought I heard voices.” He stood in front of the mirror and my eyes followed the movement of his arm as he ran a brush through his hair.
“It was me. I was singing.”
“Singing?” he questioned with a raised brow. He picked up the phone and I watched in horror as he punched a few buttons. He waited a few seconds then said, “No, Danielle, it’s Chaz.” She must have hung up on him because he stared at the phone for a few seconds before replacing it on the receiver.
“Alright, Paige, what’s going on?” he said, his green eyes narrowing.
“I lied to you.”
“That’s apparent. Why?”
“Something happened today at school...with Sloane.” I left out the part about Dillon in the library.
“What happened?” He sat down next to me on the bed. His gaze raked over my damp white tank top as I gave a play by play of Sloane’s meltdown. I crossed my arms to cover my chest, self-conscious from his intense stare.
“So she’s an out of control crazy bitch,” he offered. “Why all the secrecy?”
“I thought you’d be pissed. She hates me because of Dillon. She’s told everyone I’m bulimic.”
Chaz rolled his eyes.
“She thinks I’m cheating with Dillon behind her back.” He studied my face, gauging whether or not I was being sincere.
“Sloane’s pathetic and insecure. She knows you’re so much more than she could ever be.” I was surprised at how calm he was about all this. He really didn’t care and that made me relax.
I took his hand into my lap and raised my eyes to line up with his. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have lied to you.”
He pressed his forehead against mine. “You can tell me anything, Paige.”
He was right. We should be able to talk about anything. “Chaz?”
“Paige?”
I stared down at the towel draped around his hips. Maybe Danielle was right. I slipped down from the bed and kneeled before him. He looked down to me, his eyes heated. I slowly peeled back the towel and rested on my knees between his legs. I leaned forward, gathering my hair to the side of my shoulder, his arousal the focus of my attention.
“Paige,” he whispered and wet his lips. “You don’t have to do this.”
“I want to.”
I took him into my hand and my fingers curled around him. I hovered over, teasing him with the soft flutter of my lips, debating if I could go through with it. I looked up into his eyes. A fierce haze of green cast downward to me. With jagged breath he watched me slowly cover him with my mouth. He hissed and leaned back on his palms as my tongue slid over his hard ridges.
“Yes, Paige,” his voice coaxed. “Like that.”
I increased the amount of friction. The pleasure that he took from me gave me pleasure in return and I felt my own desire increasing. He looked down, lids weighted as his fingers reached to tease in my hair. I tightened my grip and covered him as he rolled his hips up to meet my eager mouth over and over again.
“Paige,” he groaned and I sucked harder, wrapping my tongue around him as I eagerly worked toward my goal…complete submission.
“Oh fuck!” He lifted his hips and quickly pulled out of my mouth. He gripped his hand over mine, his desire spilling through our joined fingers. I had never seen anything so sexy and I was about to burst, my core dampening, aching for his touch. His scent was all around me, his pheromones dominating, owning me, irresistible.
His tongue glided across my lips, parting mine slightly as he pushed between my teeth and I held him in my hands, the soft flesh slowly withdrawing. I picked up the towel gathered at his feet and draped it over him. He collapsed back onto the bed and I went to the bathroom to clean up. As I stared into the mirror I smiled back with a look of triumph. I felt so empowered, that I could be in control of his pleasure like that. When I returned to the bedroom he was still on his back, his hands covering his beautiful face. The mattress dipped as I joined him.
He turned his head toward me, his hand reaching out to cup my cheek. “You’re amazing.”
“I bet you say that to all the girls.”
“Stop it.”
I turned away from him and stared up at the ceiling.
“Paige?”
“Chaz?”
His fingers curled into mine. “What’s wrong?”
“I want you to make love to me.”
“You’re going to have to give me a little time to recover,” he chuckled.
“No, I know that. I mean…What I’m trying to say is…” Why couldn’t I say it?
Chaz’s eyes narrowed. “What? Just say it, Paige.”
“I’m having a hard time with this,” I confessed and turned away from him.
He sat up on his elbo
ws, his eyes questioning.
“Do you love me, Chaz?”
“You know how much I love you. Why are you asking that?”
I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I wanted to tell him to forget about it and move on. But I couldn’t. I had to tell him. I took a deep breath as if I was about to plunge under water.
“Chaz, when we have sex, you always go, you know, behind me.” His green eyes locked on mine and for a brief moment I was scared of him but I continued. “I want to feel you on top of me, I want to see you. I feel so…disconnected.”
“Why haven’t you told me this before?” The intensity of his stare washed over me. I was transparent, my soul bared.
“I was afraid.”
A change moved through him and his eyes softened. He reached for me, pulling me on top of him. “Paige, why would you be afraid?” He ran his hands through my hair. “You can tell me anything.”
“I don’t want to make demands of you. You do so much for me.”
“Stop,” he whispered, slowly rolling on top of me. “All you have to do is ask,” he kissed down my neck. “Whatever you want, I’ll give it to you.” He pushed up my tank top and rested his head between my breasts. “Baby, I don’t want you to feel disconnected,” he whispered. He dragged himself down my body and tugged at my leggings. I wriggled as he slid them over my legs. He rolled off the side of the bed and grabbed at the comforter, pulling the comforter and me to meet him at the end of the bed. He settled between my legs and I eagerly wrapped my ankles around his neck as his tongue softly swirled and tasted my need for his touch. I arched my back as he teased, bringing me to the edge then easing back as I pushed my hips up to meet his talented tongue.
“Please, Chaz.” My center was burning. “Hurry,” I begged, aching for release.
“No,” he said in a low growl. “Not yet.”
“Please,” I panted.
“Uh-uh,” he smiled and crawled up my body. “You’re not coming until I’m inside you.” I could feel how much he wanted me as he lowered between my legs. He wrapped one arm around my waist, the other reaching for the nightstand drawer. He quickly put on a rubber and nudged my thighs further apart with his knees. I cried out as his hips sank into mine.