by S. Gilmour
She gagged and kicked me under the table.
***
The morning of the show Maddie threw open the door while I was in the bathroom.
“Hey, you almost hit my other cheek,” I said with a mouth full of toothpaste. She looked frantic, her fair white skin even paler.
“Karla was in a car accident last night.”
I spit my toothpaste into the sink. “Oh my God!”
“She’s stable but she has a broken leg and lacerations to her face.”
“Poor Karla.”
“You’re going to have to wear the wedding dress in the finale.”
“What? No way. Get Danielle to do it.”
“Her boobs are too big for the dress. It’s already been fitted. You and Karla are the same size and height.”
“Crap!” I hated modeling wedding dresses. They were heavy, it was such a pain getting in and out of them, and the wardrobe assistants practically stapled the garment to your body. Plus, Chaz and I actually had cute outfits to wear for the bridal scene.
When we arrived at the hotel everyone was in discussion about Karla’s accident. As we sat in the hair and makeup room, rumors started flying that she was drunk, that she was upset because she had broken up with her boyfriend. Danielle and I rolled our eyes. Girls could be so catty.
“So who’s going to wear the gown now?” asked Debbie. She probably assumed it was going to be her since she had the same coloring as Karla.
“I am,” I announced.
Debbie tried to conceal her disappointment with a quick smile. “What? You’re a child.”
“She’s not a child, she’s nineteen, Debbie. Three years younger than you,” said Danielle.
Debbie shook her head and went back to chatting with the girl on the other side of her.
“She’s a jealous bitch,” scoffed Danielle.
We were too hot in the snow gear as we waited for the music to start and we stood in the hallway that connected to the ballroom, grumbling. Chaz looked dazzling in a red and white ski outfit with matching hat and gloves. I wore all white with a red scarf and snow boots and I decided that it might be fun to take up skiing if I could wear cute outfits. Danielle and Xavier stood next to me. They were in royal blue and Marissa and Dillon were last in bright yellow. Xavier was really nervous and Danielle had figured that making out was the best way to calm him down.
“Hey, you two, cut that out! You’re going to mess up her make-up!” scolded Ramon.
Maggie’s signature intro music began and Donny, dressed in black from head to toe, began the parade down the runway.
The show was a blur of lights and camera flashes as we paraded on and off the stage. When we exited we had to run passed the catering crew and servers and into a large storage area that had been converted to a make-shift dressing room. I had been cut from the last formal wear scene in order to have enough time to get pinned into Karla’s wedding dress. Luckily, there was some confusion with the gift basket raffle so they were running a little behind schedule.
Cynthia and Ramon unfolded the dress and held it open like a bag so I could step into it. I hopped onto a small dais and the stiff lace scratched my arms as they hoisted up the heavy sleeves. It was winter white, the typical over the top wedding dress with heavy beading of sequins and pearls. It had a sweetheart neckline and was form fitting to mid-thigh where it flared into a long train of ruffles, what Cynthia called a mermaid cut. After I was pinned, zipped, and fluffed, Ramon attached the veil. It consisted of a satin beaded headband and sheer layers of tulle. I had to stay veiled until we arrived at the end of the runway where Xavier would lift it over my head and kiss me.
After one last primping, I took a moment to look at myself. I had modeled wedding dresses before and never really paid attention, just another day at the office, right? But this one felt different. With all the talk lately of marriage it was very real. Not that I was getting married any time soon but wearing the dress really made me think about it. I thought about how it would feel, walking down the aisle to where Chaz would be waiting for us to start our lives together.
“Are you ready, honey? Your Prince Charming is waiting for you.”
I nodded. Ramon offered his arm and led me out to the hallway. Xavier was waiting for me, he looked debonair in his black tuxedo and I couldn’t help but think of what a stunning couple he and Danielle would have made if she had been able to wear the dress.
“You look beautiful,” smiled Xavier as Ramon handed me off to him.
“You don’t look so bad yourself.”
Ramon busily brushed Xavier’s suit then bent down to arrange the train on the wedding dress. “Now remember,” he called up to us. “Paige will turn and stop at the end of the runway. Xavier, you have to gather the dress and hold onto it until it straightens out. Then fluff and she’ll wait for you to walk her back up stage.”
Xavier nodded and leaned in to me. “He’s told me three times. I think I got it,” he grinned. “You ready to get married?”
“Let’s do it.”
Xavier led me slowly down the hall and up the steps. We paused before entering through the curtains so Ramon could adjust the dress again. Figures of shadows played on the curtains to the tune of Wham’s “Last Christmas.” I looked ahead and saw Chaz posed at the back of the stage looking delicious in a dark gray tuxedo, Marissa dangled from his arm in a sparkly cream gown, a smile plastered on her face. I had a slight twinge of jealousy but waved it away. Chaz turned and caught my stare. His eyes widened, his gaze sweeping possessively over me from head to toe. Shivers ran down my spine and I felt my cheeks redden.
“Go,” called Ramon.
Xavier led me past Chaz and the other models and we posed in the middle of the stage. Cheers and applause came from the audience as we started the long, slow, walk down the runway. I was surprised at Xavier’s collected confidence as we gazed at each other adoringly just as we had been instructed to do. I posed at the end and smiled as flashes went off. Xavier leaned forward and lifted the veil. The audience chuckled as the veil caught on the beaded headband but Xavier smoothed it out then slowly kissed me on the cheek as more flashes went off. The audience ate it up and responded with whistles and applause. I turned and smiled over my shoulder as Xavier straightened the gown. He joined me and I took his arm, continuing back down the runway.
My eyes searched and found Chaz’s. His green eyes flashed back ice cold, his frame rigid. I looked over to Dillon and Danielle. She looked bored and Dillon had a pained smile on his face, like he was trying not to laugh, obviously enjoying Chaz’s torment. Xavier guided me into our position between Dillon and Chaz to complete the bridal party pose.
I looked off stage right and Donny was standing with the other models behind him, lined up for the finale. He gave me a thumbs up and mouthed gorgeous. We stayed posed as Donny led the rest of the models down the ramp in step to Wang Chung’s Everybody Have Fun Tonight.
As the ramp pounded under our feet Dillon slipped his arm around me and leaned in. “Someday I will see you in this dress again, but you’ll be walking toward me, not walking away.”
I went numb.
Dillon and Chaz walked down the runway after Danielle and Marissa as Xavier and I waited. Chaz stared straight ahead when they returned, refusing to meet my eyes. Dillon grinned at me, the last to exit the stage. Finally, Xavier and I exited.
Backstage was a crazy whirlwind of garment bags and chatter. I really wanted to get the dress off but I had to wait for Ramon to remove all the pins and he was busy collecting the other garments. I felt ridiculous as I stood in the narrow hallway and held the long heavy train, waiting alone as bus boys and waiters rushed by with carts of dirty glasses and plates. Slowly models began exiting the dressing room dressed in their street clothes, duffel bags thrown across their backs.
Danielle and Xavier came out together, still giddy from the show.
“Oh no,” chuckled Xavier. “You’re still in the dress?”
“I think it’s become
a part of me,” I laughed. “You were great, Xavier.”
“He was fantastic!” beamed Danielle.
“Thank you,” he smiled. “It was fun.”
“Don’t let Maddie hear you say that or she’ll recruit you for the spring bridal show.”
“Maybe that wouldn’t be so bad.” Xavier squeezed Danielle to his side.
“Just a heads up,” called Danielle. “Chaz is in complete asshole mode. You’ve been warned.”
Ramon leaned out of the doorway. “Okay honey, we’ve got room. Let’s get that dress bagged.”
I lumbered into the dressing room. How did girls wear these things for hours? I was exhausted and decided if I ever got married it would be on a beach in a bikini and a cover up. Donny, Dillon, and Chaz were the only ones left in the dressing room. They were gathered in a small circle talking quietly.
“Alright guys, you need to make like the wind and blow,” Ramon ordered. “We have to get Miss Paige out of this dress.”
“Catch you later.” Donny slung his backpack over his shoulder and left. Cynthia helped me step onto the dais and began buttoning up the bustle on the train.
“Why do you get to stay, Ramon?” Dillon asked and slipped on his jacket while Chaz leaned against the make-up table, his arms crossed over his chest. He still hadn’t said a word to me.
“If you would like to stand here for the next twenty minutes and take out pins be my guest,” Ramon said, pins clenched between his teeth.
“Sure,” smiled Dillon.
“Get out,” I said, wincing as Cynthia pried the veil from my head. “Chaz, you can stay.”
“I’ll wait for you in the car.” Chaz said in a low voice. He pushed off the table and followed Dillon out of the room. He paused at the door and turned back to look at me. I studied him, wondering what on Earth he was so angry about. It couldn’t be me, I hadn’t done anything. It wasn’t my fault Karla was in an accident and I had to be the bride. This was my job, he was going to have to deal with it. His body relaxed and he rested his arm on the doorframe looking positively sexy in his brown leather bomber jacket.
“You’re going to be a beautiful bride, someday, Paige. You take my breath away.”
I felt my body collapse even though I was still standing. Good thing the dress was holding me up.
“Aw, that’s so sweet,” said Cynthia. “Is he your boyfriend?”
“Yes.”
I didn’t sound confident.
***
When I finally got to the parking lot I was surprised to see Donny and Chaz leaning against the Mustang.
“Hi guys.” I tossed my bag into the backseat.
“A bunch of us were thinking of meeting up at the Pizza Shack. You in?” Donny asked.
“Sounds good, I’m starving.” I hadn’t eaten all day so I could fit into the wedding dress. Karla was considerably thinner than I was.
“I’ll drop you off,” said Chaz. “I have a lot to do at home.”
“Like what?” I asked.
“You can ride with me,” Donny offered much too quickly.
“Why don’t you go,” encouraged Chaz.
“We’ll catch up with you guys in a little while,” I smiled to Donny and lowered into the Mustang. Donny looked to Chaz who nodded back.
“Get in the car, Chaz.” I slipped across the seat. I wasn’t having a fight in the parking lot of the Hotel Encanto while everyone and their dog watched. He climbed in next to me and started the car.
“What the fuck is wrong with you? You’re being a total ass.”
He stared back at me, a blank expression on his face.
“So I had to walk with Xavier down the ramp in a fucking wedding dress. Who cares? I’m not fucking him, I’m fucking you. Get over it.” I could feel my pulse pounding in my ears. I took a deep breath and waited for his response.
“I know that. I don’t care about Xavier.”
“Then what is it, Chaz?”
He ran his hand through his hair and leaned his elbow on the window ledge. “I’m really stressed out, Paige.”
“I’m sure you are but taking it out on me isn’t going to help.”
“I know. I’m sorry. You deserve better.”
“Let me know what I can do to help.” I reached out for his hand.
He turned to me, his eyes glassy. “I wish you could.”
“Chaz, what’s wrong?” Panic flowed through me. He was slipping so fast.
“I can’t give you what you need, Paige.” He looked away.
“I need you, Chaz. You.” I reached up to him.
“I think we need a break.”
My hand froze on his cheek. He was fading away right in front of me and I couldn’t stop him this time. Hot tears stung the corners of my eyes. “Are you breaking up with me?”
“No, I don’t want that.” He squeezed my hand. “I just can’t be here for you right now like I want to be. You should be able to get pizza and hang out with friends. I can’t.”
“I don’t care about that,” I sniffed.
“I quit my job today.”
“What? Why?” He loved working at the country club.
“I can’t handle it and school. I quit the golf team too. I have too much to do at the ranch.”
I felt the anger welling up in my chest. I got that Chaz’s mom needed his help but she was expecting too much of him. He was just a young man starting to make his way in the world. She needed to figure out what to do with the ranch herself. She couldn’t dump it all on him like this. It was tearing him up, tearing us up.
“Chaz, you can’t be expected to take over everything. The ranch isn’t your life.”
“There’s no one else, Paige, I have to.” Each word he spoke became louder, more deliberate. His hands opened and clenched in his lap. “I need some time.”
“To get away from me because I’m obviously so needy,” I spat.
“Stop.” His eyes softened and he pulled my hand into his lap. “Just until we’re done with the limes, okay? I need to get my shit together. Figure out what I’m going to do.”
I slumped into the seat. I had lost and Chaz’s demons had won. “Do I need to move Dusty?”
The windows of the car were starting to steam and he turned on the air. “No, of course not. We’re not breaking up, Paige. We’re taking a break.”
“Seems the same to me,” I sniffed and looked out the foggy window. I remembered when we fogged windows in a different way.
“You asked me what I needed, Paige. Just give me some time, please.” He reached for me and pressed his lips softly against mine. I melted under his touch and tried to coax him into a deeper kiss. He pulled away and placed his hands on the steering wheel.
“Pizza Shack?”
“No. Take me home.”
***
“He wants a break? What the hell is that supposed to mean?” Danielle’s dark eyebrows knotted together. I took a bite of the pepperoni pizza Danielle had brought. When I didn’t show up at the Pizza Shack she called and I had been so hysterical she had insisted Xavier drop her off at my house.
“I don’t know.”
“So you’re just supposed to sit around while he gets his shit together?”
“Danielle, right now I don’t know what to think.” I felt like my world had stopped. I had become dependent on Chaz for everything. He seemed so mature. He handled everything that came at him with ease. I thought I was being supportive. Was I putting pressure on him? All I knew was that he had finally reached his breaking point, with his family, with me, with everyone. I took another bite of pizza.
“Do you want me to stay with you tonight?”
“No. Go out with Xavier and enjoy yourself. I’ll be okay.
“I don’t mind, really,” she smiled. “It’s the least I can do.”
“I’m going to have to learn to be on my own. No time like the present.” I grabbed another slice of pizza. No need to fit into anymore wedding dresses. Not any time soon anyway.
Chapter Twenty-Fou
r
Chaz called me that night but I was all cried out and hearing his voice tore my heart even more so I ended the conversation abruptly.
As the days passed, Chaz became more distant, withdrawn and unavailable. He took me out to dinner once but he seemed distracted. He was overwhelmed with the lime harvest and I couldn’t get what the big deal was or why these little green balls of fruit were ruining his life. Wouldn’t you just hire some people to pick them, box them up, and send them to a market or wherever they went to be sold? I was sure his dad had regular people he called, phone numbers, notes on how it was done. But I kept my opinions to myself because the last time I had made suggestions to Chaz he went off on me. When he dropped me off at home he reached around my nape, pulling me to him, kissing me softly and whispering that he was sorry and to be patient. It wasn’t enough.
***
It had been three days since I had talked to Chaz. I had picked up the phone so many times, my fingers hovering over the buttons. But I wanted to give him the space he needed. I knew this was finals week for him and he needed to study. Mine were the following week so I spent all of my time in the library. I had been so consumed with everything Chaz I had neglected my school work and needed the extra time to study. I had also developed a nasty bout of insomnia. My mind would race about what I could have done differently and I would read until I fell into bed exhausted, anything to keep my mind off Chaz. But it was impossible, I was reminded of him everywhere.
That Friday, I barely made it out of bed but I couldn’t skip school. Since it was the last day before Christmas break, teachers were very strict on attendance. I woke up late, threw on a sweatshirt and jeans, and twisted my hair into a ponytail.
“You need to get yourself together, girl,” said Danielle as we walked into A2. “Don’t let this shit with Chaz define you,” she said with an air of authority, obviously a quote she had read in the latest Cosmo. I didn’t even know what “this shit” was. I was in relationship limbo.
“Damn, Paige, you look like crap,” smirked Dillon.
I kicked his black Converse from the seat of my chair.
“I’m sick.”
Sloane turned toward me and shot a pitiful look my way, her slicked straight ponytail swaying as she smirked.