by S. Gilmour
“What should we order?” asked Danielle.
“Something strong for me.”
Danielle ordered vodka sodas. It was awful and burned my throat but after the second one a warm happy feeling spread through my body and pushed out the knotted pain that had taken up residence in my chest. It had been so long since I had felt this happy, this free, albeit chemically induced. Danielle headed out to the dance floor and I ordered another vodka soda.
“Take it easy, Paige.”
A familiar face hopped up on the stool next to me in black cargo pants, black boots, and an army green sleeveless jacket with heavy metal zippers.
“Donny!” I cried and threw my arms around him. I felt like I hadn’t seen him in so long. He looked positively dangerous.
Manny set another drink down in front of me on a small napkin.
“Thanks, put it on our tab.”
“Xavier’s got it,” winked Manny.
I turned to Donny and grabbed his arm. “Xavier’s so nice. I really like him. Do you like him?” I asked. “I like him.”
“How many of those have you had, Paige?” Donny’s kohl rimmed eyes scanned mine.
“A couple, who cares?”
“You’re pretty fucked up,” he chuckled and slid the drink away from me. “How ‘bout you back off?”
I was getting fucked up. That was my intent tonight. I wanted to forget my tragic life and have fun.
I smirked up to him, “What are you, the fucking sobriety police?”
“Not me,” he chuckled. “Just slow down, honey. Take a break.”
“Take a break…Chaz wanted to take a break too. Everyone wants a fucking break.” I took slow sips of my drink. Since when did Donny become responsible? Arms curved down over my shoulders and I looked up to see who was behind me.
“Dillon,” I smiled, tipping my head back. He looked like a walking wet dream in black Calvin Klein jeans and a tight gray sweater. “You look funny upside down,” I giggled. I leaned into him to steady myself. Okay, maybe I did need to back off.
“Take care of her,” said Donny sliding off the barstool.
“Dillon,” I said slipping from the stool. “Are you mad at me?”
“No, Paige.” He pushed me back onto the stool. “Where’s Danielle?”
“Are you my friend, Dillon?” Why was I asking him stupid questions? I tried to stay in control but my mouth had other plans.
“Of course I’m your friend.” He placed his hands on my waist to steady me. “Where’s Danielle?”
“She’s dancing. Dance with me, Dillon.”
Dillon lowered his face to mine and kissed the tip of my nose. He took the drink from my hand and tossed back what was left.
I slipped down from the stool and he wrapped his fingers around my wrist, pulling me behind him as he pushed through the crowd onto the dance floor. His strong arms circled around my waist and my heart fluttered with a renewed sense of energy as I reached around his neck and relaxed against him. It felt good to have him supporting my weight as we moved to the music.
He brushed his lips across mine and slid his hands down the curve of my ass. Grinding my hips against his, we both got lost in the seductive pulsing bass of the music. I could feel how much he wanted me and decided in my alcohol fueled haste there was no reason to wait any longer. I wanted him too. Tonight. I whispered this in his ear and he lifted me up, swinging me around our small confined space on the dance floor. His lips found mine and he kissed me, hard. I never did find Danielle and when the song ended I pulled Dillon off the dance floor and over to a dark corner near the bar.
“I don’t think you should drink anymore.” His fingers playfully twisted through my hair as I nibbled on his neck.
“I think you’re right. Maybe I should drink some water.”
“I’ll get it for you, stay here.”
Dillon propped me up against a mirrored column and I scanned the crowd for Danielle but I didn’t see her anywhere. Dillon returned with a Perrier and I gulped it down quickly. I felt hot, sticky, and my hair was plastered to my face. I excused myself to the restroom.
The line was long and when I finally got in I wrinkled my nose. The restroom was a disaster! The counters were littered with paper towels and there were more on the floor. Lipstick was smeared across the mirror and two of the toilets were clogged. I steadied myself against the sink, buzzing with alcohol and the promise of sex. I dampened a paper towel in the sink and patted my shiny face.
“Slut!”
I raised my eyes to the mirror. Sloane’s reflection stared back at me, her almond eyes pulled into an accusing squint.
“Excuse me?”
“YOU are a whore,” she spat. “I saw you with Dillon. Does Chaz know about this?”
I turned to look down to her, my confidence fueled with vodka. She stiffened as I embraced her. “You poor baby, you’re so jealous that Dillon will be inside one of us tonight and it won’t be you.” I couldn’t hold back the smug smile that crept across my face. Did I just say that? Holy shit! I pushed her away, knocking her against the paper towel dispenser.
Dillon was waiting for me when I came out of the restroom. He grabbed my chin and possessively took my mouth, his tongue darting in with fast licks.
“Paige!” Danielle pried me away from Dillon. “Where in the hell have you been?”
“Dancing.” Heaviness settled over my eyes and I fought to raise them to Danielle’s.
“I’ve been looking all over for you.”
“Well…” I swayed. “Here I am,” I slurred, spreading my arms. Dillon placed his hand on my lower back and steadied me.
“Dillon, can you take her home? Donny and I want to stay a little longer.”
“I can stay too,” I said.
“You’re trashed, Paige, you should go.”
Danielle grabbed my and Dillon’s hands and spun us around. “Get her out of here,” she barked to Dillon. “Now.”
Dillon led me out through the crowd. When we entered the dark hallway that led to the exit he paused and pressed me up against the wall. “Paige, that mini-skirt is killing me,” he groaned.
My hands stole up into his hair as he kissed my neck.
“Let’s get out of here,” I said and nipped at his ear lobe. He hooked his arm around my neck and we walked out to the parking lot, pausing to kiss every few feet.
I glanced at Dillon as he guided the Charger out of the lot. His eyes reflected the headlights of the oncoming cars and the corners of his mouth turned up in a sexy smile. As the miles from the club slipped behind us, the more uneasy I felt and the more nauseous I became. The reality of how I had handled myself began to settle in and sobered me. This wasn’t how I wanted to start this year. I couldn’t drink the pain away, it was going to take time to heal on its own and I couldn’t expect to seek comfort in Dillon, that wasn’t fair to him. I wanted to be with him but I wanted to come to him without the fear of being alone.
Dillon pulled into the driveway and turned off the car. “Come here,” he growled and tugged me onto his lap. My mini-skirt rode up and he settled his hands on my thighs. “Is Maddie home?” he asked, his breathing staggered as the tips of his fingers skimmed under the hem of the leather skirt.
“No.”
He ran a finger under my jaw. “We can go to my house if you want.”
“I can’t.”
He slipped his hands under my tank top.
“Stop.”
“What?”
“I’m sorry, Dillon. I want to but I can’t.”
His hands stilled against my back.
“I’m sorry,” I cried. “I want you but I’m so drunk, I want to remember it.”
The air rushed out of him and he pushed his head back against the seat, his eyes closed.
“Are you mad?”
“No.”
“Yes, you’re mad.”
“I’m not mad. I’m horny. And disappointed.” He cupped my chin and kissed my nose. “I’ll get over it.” His hands slipp
ed away from where he cradled my back and he pulled my top back down. “C’mon.”
Dillon kicked open the car door and held my hand as I slipped from his lap onto the driveway. He walked me to the front door. I fumbled with my key but I couldn’t line it up with the lock. He took the keys from me and opened the door.
“I’ll see you in class tomorrow?” I asked.
“I won’t be in class tomorrow.”
“Why not?”
“I’m going to the college fair in the morning and then I’m ditching the rest of the day.”
“Lucky.”
He pressed his lips to my cheek and walked away.
“I’m sorry, Dillon.”
If he heard me he didn’t show it.
Chapter Twenty-Six
I shuffled through my papers, looking for my winter break extra credit. I couldn’t concentrate, my mind skipped like a broken record. The events of the previous night played over and over in my head. Danielle dragged in and plopped down in the desk behind me. We both knew Dillon wasn’t showing up today.
“Here,” she said shoving some papers toward me. “You’re gonna need this.”
“I was looking for that.” It must have gotten mixed up with hers when we were at breakfast at the diner this morning.
Todd Guthrie bounced into the classroom in tight white jeans, a loose, sherbet orange shirt, a white linen jacket, and flowing white scarf. He looked like a Creamsicle. He gracefully slid into his chair and twisted toward me.
“Hey ladies,” he beamed.
I definitely was not in the mood for him today. My head was pounding from vodka soda revenge.
“You’re wearing white after Labor Day,” Danielle snickered. “Aren’t the Gay Police going to come after you?”
“You’re wearing fishnets under shorts. They’ll drag you away first. Madonna is so 1985, honey.”
Danielle flipped him off.
“You’re awfully chipper for a Monday morning, Todd.” I pushed my Ray Bans up the bridge of my nose. The fluorescents overhead were killing me and Todd’s outfit wasn’t helping either.
“I had the most amazing evening. I think I’m in love,” he gushed.
“Again? What happened to Ben?” I asked.
“I’m so over him, darling. I was too much for him to handle.”
“Todd, turn around,” glared Danielle. “No one cares.”
“Jeez, Danielle, back off,” I whispered.
The bell rang and Mr. Haines marched into the room. Everyone passed in their work as he wrote the warm-up problems on the board.
“You’ve got five minutes, gang,” he said as he collected the papers from the front of the rows. When he got to Todd he paused and shook his head, making a poor attempt to conceal a smile.
“What?” asked Todd looking up to Mr. Haines.
“Nothing, Mr. Guthrie,” he said taking the papers from Todd. A few students giggled. “Get to work, gang.”
“You people don’t get fashion,” Todd scoffed, bowing his head into his notebook.
I struggled with the problem. The numbers swirled around on my paper. I couldn’t focus. My head was pounding and I regretted coming to class with each passing minute.
“Alright, gang,” began Mr. Haines. “Turn to your partner and compare your problems.”
I looked back to Danielle but her head was down on her desk, her dark curls spreading over the edges. Todd handed me his notebook. I glanced at the problem but it still didn’t make sense.
“How much did you drink last night?”
“A lot,” I grimaced.
“While you were getting polluted I met my soul mate,” Todd beamed.
“Where did you meet him?” I asked feigning interest as I copied his problems into my notebook.
“Rumors.”
I stopped writing and looked up. “Rumors? I was there last night.” And it’s the last thing I wanted to remember today.
“Seriously?” he asked. “I didn’t see you,” he smiled. “Anyway, he’s a complete babe.”
“Do I know him?” I asked and handed back his notebook.
“Probably not, he’s like, older. He goes to Palomar.”
“Who doesn’t?” I said, praying I didn’t end up there too.
“His name is Chaz.”
“What?” A shot of adrenalin pierced my heart, my chest squeezing like a steel trap.
“Chaz Serna,” Todd smiled dreamily. “What an amazing kisser….” I didn’t hear the rest of what he said because the blood was rushing through my ears.
Danielle shot up from behind me. “Shut the fuck up! I told you to keep it to yourself!”
I grabbed the sides of the desk, I was going to faint.
“Hey!” shouted Mr. Haines. “What’s going on over there?”
“Oh my God!” I screamed.
I leapt from the desk and ran into the hall, Danielle fast at my heels behind me. I collapsed against the wall and slid down, covering my ears with my hands but I couldn’t block out Todd’s voice. It kept repeating over and over in my head. Danielle slid onto her knees next to me, pulling me into her embrace. I couldn’t move. I was numb.
“Ladies?” called Mr. Haines from the doorway. “What’s going on?”
“Her cramps are killing her,” shouted Danielle.
“Do whatever you need to do,” he said and quickly ducked back into the classroom.
I stared at Danielle. Her dark eyes were wide as she studied me in return. “You fucking knew!” I screamed. “You told Todd to shut up! Oh my God!” My back flattened against the wall. “How could you keep this from me?” I sobbed and choked back the bile creeping up my throat.
“Paige, I told you a million times I thought something was off about Chaz. You wouldn’t fucking listen!”
“But you knew about Todd…”
“I saw them at Rumors last night. That’s why I had Dillon get you out of there. After you left I confronted Donny. I pressured him pretty hard and he finally confessed. He said Chaz is bi just like him. I swear I was going to tell you, Paige. I was trying to figure out how, when.”
“Oh my God!” I covered my face with my hands. “Everyone knows but me.”
Danielle shook her head, “No, no, honey.” She drew me back into her arms. She stroked my hair as I sobbed.
“I want to go home,” I sniffed and wiped my cheeks. “I can’t stay here.” I thought of the scene I’d made in the classroom. Sloane was going to have a field day with this.
“Sure, let’s get out of here.” She stood first then pulled me to my feet.
“Shit! My stuff is still in the classroom. I can’t go back in there,” I whimpered as I steadied myself against the wall.
“I’ll get it. I’ll meet you at your car.” Danielle squeezed my hand and gave me a reassuring smile.
***
“You’re going to have to face him eventually,” said Danielle as she chewed on her striped straw. She talked me into going to Rocket’s for lunch but I had lost my appetite.
“I know. Part of me wants to march straight over to his house and punch him in the face and the other part of me never wants to see him again.”
“Me too,” she said, dragging her fry through a pool of ketchup.
“What if he won’t talk to me?”
She glared. “He better talk to you. That’s the least he can do after all this.”
“I feel so foolish.” Another round of tears stung my eyes. “How could he do this to me?”
“He’s one confused mother fucker that’s for sure,” she snorted and set her drink on top of the napkin so it wouldn’t blow away. I opened my mouth to speak and stopped myself. I was about to defend him, like I so often did with Danielle. But this was different. I was surprised she hadn’t said I told you so yet.
“Is Donny going to tell him that I know?”
“No. I made him swear he wouldn’t.”
“I don’t trust him. I don’t trust any of them.”
“Hey!” Danielle pinned me with h
er eyes. “Don’t rope Don into this. He’s never pretended to be something he’s not. He’s always been straight with me.”
I raised my eyebrows to her. “Straight and Don don’t go in the same sentence.”
She smirked. “You know what I mean, what you see is what you get with Don.”
“And you’re okay with that?”
“Do I have any other choice? That’s Don. It’s who he is and I accept it.”
I shook my head. It wasn’t that easy for me. I needed rules, I needed black and white. I didn’t understand when the colors blurred to gray. I thanked Danielle for lunch and dropped her back off at school.
I knew what I was going to do.
***
I cruised along Riverside Drive and pulled over to a pay phone. He picked up on the first ring.
“Come over. Now.”
He was waiting in the doorway, INXS’s What You Need blasting behind him. I tried to hold it together as I walked up the steep drive.
“Come here,” he said and I fell into him. His lips softly brushed against mine and my fingers tangled into his hair. He swept me up into his arms, kicked the front door closed, and carried me down to his bedroom.
“No one’s home,” he reassured as he lowered me down onto his waterbed. I collapsed back onto my elbows as he adjusted the volume on the stereo.
“You know about Chaz,” I began.
“Yes.” He sat next to me.
“You’ve known for a while, haven’t you?”
The question shot out into the space between us, swirling around overhead, not knowing where to land.
Dillon cast his eyes down to me, glittering in the faint light of the room. “Yes.”
“How long have you known?” I sat up, stiffening.
“Awhile.” He reached for my hand and took it into his lap.
“Before or after I started seeing him?” I squeezed my eyes shut.
“Before,” he whispered.
Tears slowly ran down the sides of my cheeks.
“Why…didn’t…you…tell…me?” My breathing was staggered as I tried to form words. “How could you…keep this… from me?”