He gestured at himself. “Give me your best throw.”
It felt like a giant lump blocked my throat. I swallowed past it. “Throw it…at you?” I clarified.
“Yes. Throw it at me,” he repeated with a hint of overtaxed patience.
I pulled my arm back and, after a long pause, halfheartedly threw the knife. It clattered to the ground at his feet, falling well short of him.
He made an exasperated noise and tilted his head to the side. “Surely that’s not the best you can do.” He bent down and retrieved the dagger. “I've seen you throw things before. A rock in the pond, a pine cone at the cow. You can do better than that. Devil’s dawn, you didn’t have any problem last winter that. Devil’s dawn, you didn’t have any problem last winterBeckstead / Shadowed by Death / 172
holding that dagger of Kurke’s…” he trailed off. “Oh. Oh, I see.” I turned away, rubbing my midsection. “It brings back bad memories.”
He straightened from the floor, dagger in hand. “So what are your plans here? To avoid daggers for the indefinite future? You won’t pass trial eleven, in that case.” The words were callous, but his tone less so. He actually sounded almost gentle.
It probably could be credited to Valerie. Their friendship seemed to be softening him.
“I don’t know,” I said, hugging arms around myself.
With a shake of his head, he held the dagger out again. “Come over here, Mullins.”
After a moment’s pause I stepped closer.
He took my hand again, this time more carefully than the last, and placed the dagger in it. “Look at it.”
I did so. All I could see was the wicked double-edged blade sliding into the pit of Ivan's belly as though it were made of butter. The blossom of red that followed. I blinked and stared at the dagger again, then held it out to the master. “I can't do this.”
“I see. Shall we give up, then? This was probably a bad idea anyway. Let's call the whole thing off.”
Now he was just mocking me. “I know it's stupid, all right? Now he was just mocking me. “I know it's stupid, all right?Beckstead / Shadowed by Death / 173
But I can't do that. Do I have to hold the weapon to pass the trial?” “You have to master your fears to become a master wizard, that's for certain. And yes, part of rudimentary combat is a familiarity with man-made weapons. Now look at the dagger again. Tell me what you see.”
“Sharp edges,” I finally said. “A smooth handle. It looks dangerous.”
“Anything else?”
“Blood. Spilling out of Ivan.”
“Now we come to it.”
“I'm trying not to see it,” I defended myself. “But—it's not easy.”
“All right. Calm yourself.” His voice was a mix between irritated and probably trying to sound soothing—which he didn't. “The key is not to avoid the bad memory. It's to continue in spite of it. If you immobilize yourself with fear you only give the memory power over you it wouldn't otherwise have.”
“You say that like it's easy.”
“Hold still.” He moved around behind me and closed his own fingers over my own on the hilt of the knife. “We'll throw it together until you feel confident enough to throw it alone. If you don't overcome your fear of this knife, you don't stand a chance at the trial, when the proctor magics this thing flying at your face faster than a snowball at yuletide.”
I didn't like this any better. “Do we have to do this? Let me go back to my room with the dagger and get used to it, how about? I'm sure I can deal with it tomorrow.”
“Today,” Master Wendyn’s unyielding voice said from behind me. “Raise your arm. Yes, just like that. We're going to throw for the fireplace.”
“What if we damage it?” I objected.
He made a noise of impatience. “We’re not going to hit the fireplace. Just aim for it. All right?”
“Sure. I guess so,” I said uncertainly.
Our arms came back as one, his fingers covering my own, and then we released together. The knife hurtled toward the fireplace. Master Wendyn muttered words and, with a flick of his fingers, the knife flipped sideways and clattered to the floor.
“Easy enough. Retrieve it and let's try again.”
With a grimace I did so, holding the dagger out in front of me like a dead thing I didn't want to smell.
Five times more we threw the dagger, the master's hand clasped over my own as he spoke encouragement into my ear.
“Again,” he said, after I picked the dagger up for the sixth time.
“Enough,” I said. “I'm ready to throw it at you.”
“You're certain?”
I shook my head. “No. But I don't think I'll know until I actually do it.”
He gave an approving nod. “Good. When you’re ready, go ahead and throw the dagger and then pay attention to what I do.”
I took a breath and stared at the weapon. A giant lump seemed to have formed in my throat. I didn't want to hurt the master the same way I had Ivan. But he wasn’t giving me any choice.
At last I let the dagger fly.
It tumbled through the air, seeking the master's chest. It was going to embed itself deep in his heart or belly or neck. It would kill him. Like I had almost killed Ivan.
I couldn't look. But just as I was about to squeeze my eyes shut, the master flicked a hand sideways. The knife moved with his hand and flipped harmlessly to the ground.
The air came out of me in a whoosh of relief. I hadn't even realized I was holding it. “Thank the heavens.”
“A simple redirecting spell,” he said breezily. “And there are a hundred other ways to combat weapons flying at you. You will learn every one.”
A hundred more spells to memorize. But I didn’t mind so much, if it meant knowing how to best a dagger.
“Let's try again.”
I retrieved the dagger and looked down at its wicked edges. Maybe I could do this after all.
#
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
The next trial day was on me before I knew it. In that time I'd become relatively well versed in combats spells, although I appreciated a dagger being thrown in my direction or a sword being thrust at me just as much as I ever had—which was to say not at all.
I passed with no close calls, and no gender spell either. It was a relief to let go the drama of proving my gender and get to the business of doing magic.
We passed through the wizard door into the master’s study, and I stopped short at the sight of a figure seated behind his desk: Valerie.
Master Wendyn ran into the back of me. “Will you watch out, Mullins?” Then he caught sight of Valerie too. “Oh, hello, Val. What’re you doing here? Did we make plans?”
I frowned. Shortening her name to Val seemed awfully familiar.
She pushed to a standing position. “I’m sorry, Garrick. I probably should have sent a note first, but it was all sort of last minute, and I forgot about the trials today. It’s Papa.”
I glanced back at the master, just in time to see his eyebrows raise. “Is he all right?”
“Doing poorly. I thought, as a surprise, perhaps his best apprentice might pay him a visit?” She drummed her perfect fingernails on the desk, and I couldn’t help wondering. Was fingernails on the desk, and I couldn’t help wondering. WasBeckstead / Shadowed by Death / 177
Master Wendyn really Uphammer’s best apprentice, or was Valerie just flirting? The master scratched his jaw. “Of course. I’ve been at the Conclave all morning, so let me change into something less formal.” He unbuttoned his wizard robes before shedding them and tossing them on a chair. “Give me…five minutes? I’ll meet you back here.”
“Perfect,” Valerie said.
The master loosened his collar and left the room. Suddenly finding myself alone with Valerie was not a
situation I liked at all. She was particularly immaculate today, with perfectly coiffed hair and a neat mauve dress adorned with pale pink ribbons which matched the pink in her cheeks. She looked very pretty,
and I found myself very annoyed.
As flawless as she looked, she was the perfect match for Master Wendyn.
I cleared my throat. “Er…hello, Valerie. Sorry to hear your father is poorly.”
She waved a hand dismissively. “It comes and goes, and magic can’t seem to heal it permanently, so he’s given up trying.”
“Poor man,” I murmured, although I couldn’t help wondering why, if his dips in health happened so often, this one merited a visit from the master.
I blinked as suddenly I remembered Mama propped up in her I blinked as suddenly I remembered Mama propped up in herBeckstead / Shadowed by Death / 178
sickbed, pale and bedraggled. A visit from a friend would have been welcomed at any time. Why was I being so suspicious? “How did your trial go?” Valerie asked.
The lump of shame was hard to swallow, but I forced myself. “I passed,” I finally said. “I’m an eleventh level underwizard.” I did like the sound of that.
“Congratulations,” she said, although she didn’t look at me when she said it, and was still tapping her fingernails on the desk. Suddenly she sat forward. “Avery, would you mind telling me before Garrick comes back, is there anyone…special in his life?”
My eyebrows shot up. Suddenly I didn’t know where to look or what to do with my arms. Valerie was the closest thing he had to a special lady friend, but I didn’t exactly want to tell her that. “Er…you tell me. He confides in you far more than he confides in me,” I said at last.
“Does he?” She smiled, enormously pleased, and I suddenly wished I hadn’t said as much. Mostly I wished that it weren’t true.
“Although now that I think about it,” I continued, “he does confide a great deal in Bettina.”
Valerie frowned before asking cautiously, “Who’s Bettina?”
“The milk cow.”
Master Wendyn pushed the door open just then, wearing one of his loose shirts with the drapey sleeves. “Ready, Val? of his loose shirts with the drapey sleeves. “Ready, Val?Beckstead / Shadowed by Death / 179
There’s a door in the cellars.”
“Of course. I haven’t forgotten.” She looped her arm
through his. “Shall we?”
The master looked down in surprise at the gesture, then
recovered from his shock and placed a hand over her hand on his
arm. “Let’s go.” Over his shoulder he said to me, “I’ll be back
later, Mullins. Best start your study of trial twelve.” They bustled out of the room together, leaving me staring
after them. This new closeness between Valerie and the master
was something that would take getting used to.
Romance was truly a ridiculous notion. Could you ever
really trust the other person? Mama certainly shouldn’t have.
Love made fools of everyone. That other person could so easily
turn out to be just like Papa.
Love had made the master simple-minded.
***
In the late afternoon I flipped through a spell book halfheartedly in the library. The trial had tired me out, and I
really just wanted to rest. Outside the window I watched Ivan
play with spells in the meadow. First he twitched the leaves on
the trees with a breeze, then brought on a small sprinkle of
snowflakes, then a heat that melted the dusting of white into
the green meadow grass. I considered joining him, but I wasn’t
in the mood to romp outdoors either. So I stayed by the window
and alternated between staring moodily at my book and the and alternated between staring moodily at my book and theBeckstead / Shadowed by Death / 180
meadow. The door rattled, and I looked up to see Cat enter with a tray in her hands.
“Thought you might want a snack.” She approached my chair and set the tray on the low table next to me. I observed sweet scones and milk—a particular favorite of mine, although I couldn’t seem to summon an excitement for them today. “Thanks, Cat. That sounds nice.” Even I could hear the halfhearted interest in my voice. I glanced out the window at Ivan again.
Cat moved closer and looked out the window as well. “He’s getting better at that snow spell, isn’t he? Last week he was only able to produce a single snowflake.”
“Mmmm,” I said, not really listening. Silence carried on, and I thought Cat had left amid my moody quietness. I levitated my dip pen in the air for lack of anything to do.
“Impressive,” Cat observed. “You really have a knack for magic.”
I jumped, surprised she hadn’t left the room, and the pen fell to the table. “Oh, I thought you’d gone.”
She pulled a chair closer and seated herself in it, so that she sat across from me, the scones and milk between us. “Perhaps it’s none of my business, Underwizard Mullins, but you seem a bit distracted. Something on your mind?” She poured a cup of milk and handed it to me.
The teacup was smooth and cold in my hands. I looked down The teacup was smooth and cold in my hands. I looked downBeckstead / Shadowed by Death / 181
into the milk and then back at Cat. “Distracted? I suppose I am a bit.” A pause stretched between us. Cat was waiting for me to speak and I was debating whether I should. At last I made my decision, though, and the words burst out of me. “Master Wendyn is just so…so annoying sometimes, you know?”
A smile moved across her mouth. “Ah. So that’s what this is about. Yes, I know.”
The response surprised me, and I put down my milk and looked at her closer. “You do?”
She took her time replying, biting into a scone first and chewing thoughtfully. At last she dabbed at her mouth with a napkin and said, “Well, he’s a man, isn’t he? Men can be so… infuriating sometimes.” She intercepted my surprised expression. “Present company excepted, of course. You’re not a man yet, after all.”
My mouth opened in protest, because…well, what else would a potential man do but protest the denunciation of all men? “I most certainly am a man. I could grow a beard if I wanted to, you know.”
“I don’t mean in that way. I suppose it’s because you seem to be more sensitive than some men I know. But Master Wendyn, well, he’s all man and all infuriating. Clueless, bumbling, and destructive.”
I still wasn’t sure about the direction this conversation I still wasn’t sure about the direction this conversationBeckstead / Shadowed by Death / 182
had taken. “Well, I wouldn’t say that, exactly. But why does he have to get so stupid over a girl? Love is such a waste of time.”
Cat nodded. “I couldn’t agree more. You’re wise to think that way. Save yourself the heartache and focus on your studies.”
“I plan to.” I finally took a sip of my milk, then put it down and glanced at Cat askance. “Have you ever been in love, Cat?”
She ate another bite of scone. “Don’t take this the wrong way, but love isn’t real. It’s a made-up phenomenon to describe the physical reactions of our bodies. Truthfully, most people aren’t capable of love. And I mean no disrespect, but when I say most people, I mean specifically men.”
“That’s what I’ve always suspected.” I wanted to say more, to confide in Cat about Papa’s inability to love, but then thought better of it. Papa did currently reside in this very house, after all, and Cat knew him. Besides, I didn’t know Cat all that well yet, when it came right down to it. Maybe I would confide in her another time. After I knew her better.
Suddenly I realized what I’d said about men being incapable of love, and I scrambled to make it sound better. “I mean, not incapable of love, exactly, but—”
“I know what you mean,” Cat said. “Let me tell you something, Avery. I fancied myself in love once, and that man something, Avery. I fancied myself in love once, and that man
Beckstead / Shadowed by Death / 183 might as well have cut my heart out with a dull spoon for all the care he took about my fine feelings for him. I
speak from experience when I tell you that the smartest decision you can ever make is to stay far, far away from love.”
The sensible advice elicited a smile from me. I’d never realized it before, but I had something of a kinship with Cat. “Thank you. I’ll do that.”
She returned my smile.
I resumed sipping at my milk and looked out the window again at Ivan. He had created a small windstorm that knocked him over, and he tumbled head over heels before rolling to his feet,
shaking his head, and ending the spell. Cat and I laughed. “We’ll just pretend we didn’t see that, won’t we?” Cat
said. “I’d best get back to work.” Replacing her cup on the
tray, she left the room.
Something about the room felt lighter. I’d found a
confidante, right here at Ryker Hall.
***
Master Wendyn knocked on the library door a few days later
to get my attention. I looked up from Strategies for the Twelfth
Trial. “What is it?”
“Just a reminder that we’ll have a guest for supper
tonight.”
“So you’ve said,” I reminded him. “Are you ready to tell me
who it is?”
He smiled a secretive smile and shook his head. “Just be on
your best behavior, all right?” He glanced in Papa’s direction—
who was happily taking apart the clock that had once sat upon
the hall table. Master Wendyn had forfeited the item so that
Papa would have an occupation. “Talk to your father,” he mouthed
at me, jerking his head toward Papa. He jerked his head again,
then satisfied that I’d gotten the message, left the room. I knew what he wanted. Make sure that Papa was on his best
behavior tonight, considering the mystery guest was probably
Valerie. They might even be announcing their engagement tonight.
Ugh. I wished I could just feign illness and stay in my room all
night.
I sighed and stood, moving closer to Papa. “Did you hear
what the master said?”
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