by Lexi Ryan
I release a breath. It would be criminal to lay off Ava. Not only is she an amazing teacher, I’ve watched her take troubled kids and help them funnel all of their energy into theater until they shared her passion. “When will you know for sure?”
She shrugs and swirls her beer in the sample glass. “I don’t know. There are only six weeks left in the school year. I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if they waited until the beginning of summer to make the cuts.”
“But you’re feeling okay?” I ask. “Not too worried?”
“Not too worried, but I’ll be sad to see anyone go.”
I nod. “I get that.”
“But my head was whirling from that news when I did something crazy.” She shakes her head. “It was impulsive, really, and I’m kind of freaking out now.”
I frown. Shit. Am I too late? Did she go to the sperm bank already? Don’t they have a waiting period or something?
Instead of revealing that I’m panicking inside, I try to keep it light. “Let me guess. You asked Mr. Mooney for some of his sperm.”
She scowls at the mention of her chauvinist principal and slugs me lightly in the chest. “You’re an ass.”
“Guilty as charged.” I laugh and take a pull of my porter. “But seriously, what’d you do?”
She takes a breath, then finishes the rest of her sample. “I blame Ellie,” she says. “She refused to leave my house until I did it. She almost made me late for work.”
“If you don’t start getting specific, I’m just going to fill in the blank with dirty things.”
Grinning, she rolls her eyes. “Stop it. I mean Straight Up Casual. I’m officially enrolled, and I even scheduled two dates. My first is next Saturday.”
My breath leaves me in a rush, and I fucking pray she doesn’t notice. I’ve watched Ava date for years and I’ve never liked it, but I’ve handled it. Hell, I even danced at her wedding. But somehow now, with the full understanding of her endgame, the old kick in the nuts packs a little more punch. “You’re supposed to close next Saturday.”
“I’ve asked Cindy if she’ll swap shifts with me, and she’s cool with it if you are.” That cute little line appears between her brows as she frowns. “You are okay with me taking a Saturday night off, aren’t you?”
“Sure.” I’m not just okay with it—I’ve encouraged her to do it more often. She works too damn much. Between school and theater and Jackson Brews, she barely does anything but work. But for a Straight Up Casual date? For Ava?
I’ve used Straight Up Casual a few times in the past—though I’d rather eat crow than admit that to her right now, or ever—and in my experience, it’s a hookup service used by people looking for a hot night in bed, not a lifetime of love. What else would you expect from a blind date that starts with a shot of straight liquor? “Yesterday it was sperm, and today it’s drunken blind dates.” I shake my head. “You’re full of surprises, Av.”
Her eyes go wide before she turns her gaze away from me completely. She busies herself putting a rack of clean pint glasses on the shelf. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
Fuck. Now my hurt feelings are turning me into an asshole. What’s wrong with me, anyway? I decided years ago that I was okay with accepting Ava’s friendship and never again asking for more. I’m not a glutton for punishment. But now that she’s talking about starting a family, suddenly I can’t cope? I shake my head. “I’m being a dick. Ignore me.”
“You kind of are.” A regular at the end of the bar raises his empty glass, and Ava pours a fresh beer and runs the tab for another before coming back to stand by me. “Seriously, if you think I’m hyped about using a dating service to find a man, you don’t know me at all.”
I know you better than anyone. “So why are you doing it?”
“I promised Ellie I’d try.”
Ellie is taking Ava’s baby-making plans even harder than I am, so of course she’d want Ava to date around instead of getting knocked up. “But Straight Up Casual? Really?”
“That’s how Ellie and my brother met,” she says.
I’m not sure I’d use Ellie and Colton as the metric by which to measure a successful relationship, but I keep my mouth shut and force myself to shrug. “Well, I hope they match you with someone good.”
She bites her bottom lip and wrinkles her nose. “Is it terrible that I’m not super optimistic?”
“More realistic than terrible.” I take a breath, remembering why I came down here. “Listen, can we talk for a minute?”
She refills her sample glass and nods. “Sure.”
The bar is quiet, and Cindy is working the floor, so she can handle it without Ava. I nod to the kitchen. “In private?”
She arches a brow. “Is everything okay? Is it your mom?”
“Mom’s fine. It’s not that.” I push open the swinging door to the kitchen and follow her through it. “I wanted to talk about this morning . . . what we discussed.”
She does a slow turn, scanning the empty kitchen before turning back to me and saying in a low, conspiratorial whisper, “You mean about the sperm?”
I set my jaw. “Yeah. That.”
Her lips twitch. “Is it a bad word now? Or is pregnancy a taboo conversation?”
I shove my hands in my pocket. “Neither, but it’s your private business, and I didn’t think you wanted every barfly to know it.”
She swats my chest lightly, and I want to grab her hand and hold it there. I’d tell her to pay attention to my heartbeat and feel it accelerate from her touch. I want all the things I’ve spent years aching for and denied myself.
And just like I have for years, I push those feelings aside and prioritize our friendship.
“You didn’t tell me Harrison’s wife is pregnant.”
“I didn’t know you cared.”
“I do when it’s making you do crazy things like try to get knocked up.”
Her gaze drops to the floor. “That’s not why.”
“Isn’t it?” I shove my hands in my pockets. I wish I could tilt her chin up so she was forced to meet my eyes, but we don’t touch like that, and if I touched her face right now, I know I’d want to slide my hand into her hair and lower my mouth to hers. I’ve kissed Ava once. Only once. What would I give for another go at that kiss?
“I’ve wanted a baby for years. The invitation to Harrison’s baby shower just . . . I’m not young anymore.”
“You’re going to be an amazing mom someday. But suddenly you’re going to desperate measures to make it happen? And how does letting Ellie send you on blind dates fit into this?”
“Oh my God!” Her jaw drops, and her eyes go wide. “Is that what you think the dates are for? Jesus, Jake. I’m not some crazy woman who’s going to poke holes in condoms and sleep with every guy I can get in bed.”
I wince. “Christ, I didn’t mean—”
“I promised Ellie I’d go on a few dates before I launched Operation Pregnancy. She’s convinced I can find Mr. Right, but if I can’t—and we both know I won’t be able to—she’s going to support my plan.”
I fold my arms across my chest. “What happens if you meet someone you like? Do you tell him about your ticking clock and your baby-making plans?”
She props her hands on her hips and glares at me. She’s wearing a red Jackson Brews T-shirt and a pair of jeans that fit her like a glove. Somehow, she looks just as sexy in this as she did in the black dress she wore last night.
“I might be shitty at dating,” she says, “but I’m not that stupid. If I find someone I like . . .” Her glare falls away, and she drops her gaze to the floor. “It’s been so long that I have trouble imagining that happening, but if I did, I’d put my plans on the backburner for a while.”
“How many dates did you agree to?”
“Ellie bought me ten.”
My jaw drops. “Wow. That’s . . .”
“A lot. Tell me about it. But I figure I’ll get through most of them before school’s out, and then this summer I can launch Opera
tion Pregnancy. I’m not going to get pregnant if I don’t have a job. By summer I’ll know for sure that I’m safe from the layoffs, so a little delay will be perfect.”
Why the hell did Ellie need me to talk to Ava? She’s already got it under control. By the time Ava gets through ten dates, the shock of Harrison’s new baby and the blow of turning thirty will have worn off. It’s a genius plan, really: make Ava go on dates and remind her just what she’ll be missing out on by doing this alone.
A genius plan that might just make me lose my mind.
Jake
Sundays are for Jackson family brunch. Every Sunday we all prioritize brunch because we know it’s a chance to remember that no matter how good or bad the week before may have been to us, at the end of it all, we have each other, and family is what matters most.
With rare exception, we gather at Brayden’s house—or what is now Brayden’s. This was the house we all grew up in, but Brayden moved in here after Mom moved out to help Ethan with Lilly. Nobody was ready to sell the place, and having Brayden here makes sense, even if the house is way bigger than what a workaholic bachelor needs.
Every time I walk in the door, I’m wrapped in the warmth of sweet nostalgia. I had a good childhood. The best. And even though Brayden has remodeled a bit and replaced some of Mom’s old furniture with more contemporary pieces, I’m always taken back by the house’s smell—the pine cleaner Mom favors and Brayden uses to this day, the lavender from the front garden wafting in through the open windows.
Today, though, I walk in the door, and nostalgia is met with a rush of love when I see Dad out of the corner of my eye. For a beat, right before I turn, before I can even take a breath, I think my father is really there. Just for a second, I can anticipate the warmth of his smile and the feel of his hand as he gives the back of my neck a reassuring squeeze.
Even as I turn, I realize it’s Brayden, not Dad, who’s standing in the living room. My eldest brother is as tall as Dad was, and has the same dark hair and broad shoulders, but while he resembles my father, he could never pass for him. It’s just my mind playing tricks on me. Again.
This happens every once in a while. I think I see my father and forget that’s not possible, that he’s been gone for years. The moments pass as quickly as they come, but the ache in my chest isn’t as easy to shake off.
“You look like you’ve seen a ghost,” Brayden says.
I exhale heavily. “I saw you out of the corner of my eye, and you looked like Dad.”
He doesn’t mock me; instead, he nods in understanding. My brothers and I jab at each other about anything and everything else, but never about this. Never about the grief of losing our father, or the heartache of watching our mother take her turn fighting the same battle. “I did that the other day with Ethan,” he says. “I was at the bar and I saw him from behind. I was two steps in his direction ready to say hi to Dad before I remembered that wasn’t possible.”
“I thought it’d be better by now,” I say.
Brayden nods. “It is a little bit. Used to happen to me more often, but it’s less common these days.”
“Yeah, me too.”
“Now it’s usually only when I’m feeling particularly anxious about something and have been thinking about how much I wish I could bounce an idea off him.” He studies me. “Which would explain why you did it just now.”
I frown. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“I heard you had an interesting night Friday.” I don’t know what he means, and when I don’t respond, he adds, “With Ava.”
“Who told you that?” I swear, you can’t stand sideways to take a piss in this town without everyone running their mouths about it.
Brayden nods toward the kitchen. “Our brothers are in there getting a real kick out of your luck.” He smacks me between the shoulder blades, just like Dad used to do. “You might finally get your wish with Ava after all.”
I don’t know what they all think they know, but I do know I’m not in the mood to have my brothers laugh at my expense.
I push past Brayden and into the kitchen, which is packed with my siblings, Ethan’s girlfriend, Nic, and my niece. Sure enough, Carter and Levi laugh when they see me. Even Ethan smirks.
“Big night for you Friday, huh, Daddy?” Levi asks on a chuckle. “You could have told me the whole story when I saw you at the gym yesterday.”
“They’re being jerks,” Nic growls at my side. She’s as sweet as she is beautiful, and when I turn to her, she’s worrying her bottom lip between her teeth as if this is all somehow her fault.
“What the fuck are they talking about?”
“I told Ethan that Ava was going to ask you for . . . you know, your sperm. I thought that was what she was doing when she left us Friday, and then you two disappeared up into your apartment.” She shoots a scowl in Ethan’s direction. “I promise I wouldn’t have said anything if I knew he was going to tell your brothers.”
Ethan bites back a smile. “How was I supposed to keep that to myself? We should all be celebrating. Jake and Ava, finally together.”
My gut clenches. “Except we’re not together.”
The smiles fall off my brothers’ faces. I feel like a fool. I know that my feelings for my best friend aren’t a secret among my family members, but my brothers have always done me the courtesy of not speaking of it unless absolutely necessary. Having them in here talking about my relationship—or lack thereof—with Ava makes me feel exposed, and I fucking hate it. “Not even a little.”
“What were you doing up there?” Nic asks softly.
“She told me she was having a baby.” I speak quietly so only Nic can hear, but everyone else is loudly speculating about the future of “Jayva,” as Shay calls Ava and me. I’m already weary of this conversation and not in the mood to explain myself to everyone. “When she said she wanted my help, I thought she was saying that she was pregnant and wanted me to help her as a new mom—not with making her into one.”
Nic shoots Ethan another dirty look. “It’s not what you guys think,” she snaps. “Now stop.”
“Jake’s a big boy,” Levi says. “He doesn’t need you protecting him, Nic.” He grabs a spoon and piles hash brown casserole on his plate.
Shay sits quietly in the corner, sipping her coffee and watching me, making her and Brayden the only two of my five siblings not laughing at me. I make a mental note to get them both extra-nice gifts next Christmas.
We fill our plates and head to the dining room. I can’t help but watch Nic with Lilly, my six-year-old niece. They’re all smiles when they’re together, and as much as I’m sure that Ethan and Nic were meant to be together, the real soul mates here are Nic and Lilly.
Longing unravels old dreams from where they’re coiled in my chest. I can’t deny I had a bit of a crush on Nic when she first came to town. She’s gorgeous and fits into our family as if she’s always been a part of it. I think each of the Jackson boys had a thing for her, though Levi was the most vocal about it until Ethan put a stop to it. But it’s not any specific feelings for Nic that have this tugging in my chest. I want what they have.
I’m gonna have to beat Ethan’s ass if he doesn’t put a ring on that finger soon, but I’m pretty sure I won’t have to. Ethan’s smart enough to know what he’s got. He almost lost her once. He won’t let that happen again.
I pull out a chair at the table, and Shay takes the seat beside me. She’s actually eating today, which is a rare sight, though her plate of wheat toast and scrambled eggs has nothing on the thousand-plus-calorie breakfasts my brothers and I are about to inhale. Ever since Shay lost the weight she put on in undergrad, she’s been very careful about her diet.
“Where’s Mom?” I ask, looking around. The table is crowded with us six Jackson siblings, Nic, and my niece, but crowded around it as we are, the sight of Mom’s unoccupied chair makes it feel empty. I spoke with her on the phone last night when I called to congratulate her on finishing the last of this round of treatments, bu
t I was looking forward to seeing her today.
“She’s napping upstairs,” Brayden says. “She’s having a rough day.”
Shit. Poor Mom.
“Poor Nana,” Lilly says, her small face pulling into a frown. “She feels pukey.”
“Why didn’t she stay home?” I ask.
“You know Mom,” Shay says. “Doesn’t want to miss Sunday brunch, even if she can’t stomach the smell of it.”
I nod. I do know, and there’s a sharp pang in my chest at the thought of her having to miss every Sunday brunch if this cancer gets the better of her. I fucking hate feeling this helpless. I want to fix it. To find a way to fight it for her so she doesn’t have to.
“Sorry I wasn’t there Friday,” Shay says quietly. “Maybe I could have shut Teagan up before she told drunk Ava to ask for your sperm.”
“So I have Teagan to thank for this?”
Shay pushes her eggs around her plate. “That’s what Nic said.”
I shrug. “It’s not a big deal. She woke up sober and knew it was a bad idea.”
She nods. “But is it a bad idea?”
I arch a brow. “Letting her have my kid without me? Yeah, sounds like a pretty fucked-up plan.”
“Hmm.” She scoops some eggs onto her fork and studies them. “Last I checked, Ava doesn’t do much of anything without you, Jake.” She chews and swallows her bite before turning her attention to Lilly, who’s chattering on about something that happened in school last week.
I’m too distracted by my own thoughts to listen. I know Ava well enough to know that if she’s made up her mind about starting a family on her own, she’s going to do it. Ellie’s dates might slow her down, but unless Ava actually meets someone she can fall for, this summer will begin Operation Pregnancy, as she calls it.
Either she falls in love with someone else or has a baby on her own.
I don’t know which option freaks me out more. But it’s out of my hands. I just need to remember to keep our friendship the priority. Ava knows how I feel about her. I put it all out there almost five years ago. I’m just lucky I didn’t lose her then.