Of course she still needed him. He reached out to her, tangling his fingers in hers. “I didn’t mean to steal the happiness of the moment.”
She turned back toward him, her eyes dark. “Of course you didn’t. How could you?”
But he had. He could see it in the way her face had resigned itself. Resigned itself to more fear. More waiting. God, he was a bastard. However, it was true. As long as Thomas was free, she would never truly be. “Wyndham and I will find a way to keep you safe.”
“Don’t you think Thomas will just leave me to myself now? He has no legal claim.”
Ian pulled her back against him, loving the feel of her frame tucked to him. “No.” He lowered his head, kissing her hair. “It just doesn’t seem possible. Not when he went to so much trouble to imprison you. I cannot see him letting you go. He’s an ass.”
“That’s what Dr. Jenner said.”
“Indeed?”
Eva nodded. “Yes. Well, not exactly. I think he used the word ‘insensitive’ for telling me it was my fault.”
“Thomas told you that?”
“Daily. Hourly. There is much I had forgotten. Now, with my head clear, those days are slowly coming back. Lord, I was so drunk on laudanum, it’s a miracle I didn’t do myself in.”
Ian’s gut clenched. “Eva, you tried.”
A disbelieving laugh rattled from her. “What? That’s ridiculous. I would never—”
“Thomas said you were caught by gardeners walking into the lake.”
“Well, that would be very foolish of me. I certainly couldn’t kill myself that way. Unless it was suicide by pneumonia.”
Ian paused. “How do you mean?”
“I’d just have swum, Ian. Unless Thomas says I loaded my pockets down with bricks.”
Blinking, he hugged her tighter against him. “You can’t swim, Eva.”
She glared up at him. “I most certainly can. I didn’t spend all my time while you two were in India in my room waiting for you and Hamilton to come back. On my last trip to Bath, I learned. I sea bathe quite well.”
A gnawing suspicion started working at him. What was Thomas about? “Eva, why would Thomas have said that?”
“Because as you said, he’s an ass. A jealous, vicious ass.”
Ian laughed, though the sound was forced. A chill stole over him. It raised the hairs on the back of his neck and gave him the battle-ready feeling he felt under the hot sun, artillery in view. “You’re right, of course.”
He’d worried her enough. Now was not the time to press her with questions. Come morning light, he’d set Wyndham on the track of those two gardeners. If anyone could find them, the former spy would.
Eva let out a worried sigh. “Do you really think a ball is a good idea?”
Ian snapped his attention back to her. Uncertainty creased her brow. “I do. It will be one more mark against Thomas when you make your triumphant return to society.”
“As you say.” She lifted her face toward his, a smile playing at her lips. “Care to kiss a free woman?”
Free woman.
Ian brought his palm up to cup her soft cheek. A sudden desire to brand her with his touch seized him. Somehow, with their bodies, he could erase the past from both their minds.
He grabbed her against him, lowering his mouth to hers with fierce need. In response, Eva pressed her body tight into his, her fingers pushing into his back near to the point of pain.
Eva pulled away and lowered herself to the floor. “Make love to me, Ian.”
Ian needed no further urging. He knelt down beside her. The light of the fire flickered over her body. She looked like living stone. Alabaster. Perfect. Ready to come alive under loving hands.
There was something restive yet desperate in this moment. She’d offered herself up to him, and he was more than ready to take. But fear clung to his heart. Fear that this was all going to evaporate like a flickering image of palms in the desert.
Happiness was not for men like him.
Instead of immediately covering her body with his, Ian lowered his head and rested it against her silk-covered abdomen.
She remained still for a moment before her hands came to stroke his hair. It was the most tender thing he had felt in his life. The most dangerous.
This was how men lost themselves.
Closing his eyes against the fear, Ian allowed himself to breathe in her scent of roses and soap. What was he doing? “Eva—”
“Shh,” she whispered, her hands still slipping through his hair. “Think of nothing but this.” She tucked her fingers under his chin and forced his face upward. “Look at me.”
He opened his eyes.
Her indigo blue gaze burned with passion. “Don’t,” she whispered, as if afraid to pierce the silence.
“What?” he asked, unable to tear his gaze from her face.
“Run away.” She stroked the side of his face. “I can see it in your eyes. Hear it in your voice. You are on the verge of running from this. From us.”
He wanted to laugh. He’d been running for so long now. Was it even possible for him to stop? At last, he leaned forward and looked down into her eyes. “I will never leave you.” The words burned in his throat. He meant them. He did. “As long as you need me, I will never go.”
“I want to be with you, Ian.”
Ian’s heart pounded with wonder. Now. Here. He was hers. She was his. And he would not contemplate anything else under the darkness of night.
It wasn’t gentleness that set him back toward her legs. Oh, no. It was the need to devour her. The firelight danced over her as he bent and smoothed her silk robe open, exposing her long, pale limbs.
He stared down at the soft skin. Slowly, his breath tightened, coming in shorter, hungrier gasps. Needing to taste her, he bent her knees and knelt between them.
Her eyes were locked on him, her mouth half open. He wanted her wild for him. Thinking of nothing but the pleasure he could give her.
He rubbed his face gently against her inner thigh, then pressed an open-mouthed kiss to the velvety flesh before he lightly bit the skin.
She gasped, her hands coming to weave into his hair. Blindly, he pushed her robe open all the way. Ian lifted his eyes to her body, taking in the beautiful curves and hollows of her. With every day she looked healthier, fuller. That alone set his heart beating faster.
The sight of her breasts, small yet taut, pink nipples hard, elicited a groan. He worked his way up her body, savoring every kiss, determined to live in this moment. Determined to pay homage to every part of her body as it deserved.
When he sucked a nipple into his mouth, she arched against him. “Ian—” She gasped. “Don’t wait.”
He flicked his tongue over the hard peak.
Her hands fumbled at his trousers. Finally she worked them free. She slipped her hand into the fine wool and wrapped her hand around his hard cock.
A groan tore from his throat. Where had the insecure woman gone? She was fading away. Replaced by this beautiful, enigmatic beauty beneath him. The one who would take what she wanted as she’d done before heartache’s cold embrace had found her.
Knowing that she was finding her own strength with him here was intensely erotic.
“Now,” she ground out. “Now.”
Ian smiled at her passion, though his body was on fire with a pleasure that neared pain. He shoved his trousers down his legs. Gently, he rubbed the head of his cock against her opening.
She moaned and urged her hips up to him.
But he wanted her completely ready. Taking his cock in hand, he slid the head over her most sensitive spot, then up and down her slick core.
Another moan came from her throat. She reached forward and grabbed his buttocks with her hands. Ian positioned himself at her center and thrust forward.
Slick heat welcomed him, wrapping his cock in it. His chest expanded as he sucked in a breath. It was almost impossible to control himself with this woman, he needed her so much.
As if
a wild creature had replaced Eva, she pushed herself up onto her elbows and stole his mouth in a long, soul-searing kiss. It nearly sent him pummeling over the edge.
Ian reached down and cupped her bottom, completely tilting her up toward him so that he could thrust deep and hard. To fill her completely.
Eva tore her mouth from his, clinging to his back, nails raking against his flesh.
The feel of her holding on to him, racked with desire, pushed him even harder. Consumed in it, he thrust deep against her, making sure he stroked the spot that would send her spiraling into pleasure.
As he sped his thrust, she dropped back, her legs locked around his waist. Pleasure lit her face. Finally a piercing cry came from her. She grabbed his shoulders, her head back.
Ian focused on the pleasure transforming her face as his cock stroked her tight heat. When she rippled around him, he couldn’t hold back any longer. The power of it shook him to his core. “Eva,” he moaned, his voice harsh with his passion.
Their breathing slowed almost simultaneously as he lowered himself against her. He couldn’t separate himself yet. He needed this feeling of being a part of her. She fit perfectly against him, her slight body curving into his.
It was damn alarming. And he felt more alive than he had in years.
As he tucked her against him, he stroked her back.
She remained silent for several moments. Then she placed her hand against his chest and said gently, “I love you, Ian.”
Chapter 26
Eva held herself perfectly still. If she moved she would shatter this moment. All would be lost. She would be alone again in the darkness. As she waited longer and longer for him to respond, the darkness encroached a little more into the happiness she’d been so sure she’d finally found.
“Eva,” he said softly, his voice full of doubt.
She drew in a shuddering breath, knowing he was not going to say the words she so hoped to hear. “Please don’t.”
“Wait,” he urged.
Eva drew away from him. Coldness clawed itself through her chest. She reached for her robe. “I understand.” And she did. God, how foolish of her. How foolish to believe he might love her, too. Who could love her as she was? No matter that she had begun to put the pieces of herself back together. No matter what Dr. Jenner had said, at her core still resided the fact that she had put her son at such risk it had ended in his death.
She swallowed back the sudden foul taste permeating her mouth.
He reached for her, forcing her to stay against him. His skin still slightly damp with their lovemaking. “You don’t understand.”
“I know I don’t deserve—”
“I will not hear that from you,” he snapped. “You deserve everything this world has to offer you. But I—” His voice broke.
Eva stared at him, trying to make sense of what he was saying. Shadows played over his face, adding to the mask that had slipped over his features. “Go on,” she urged softly.
“Hamilton died.”
She tensed, not truly wanting to discuss her late husband in the arms of the man she’d loved since childhood. But hadn’t Dr. Jenner told her that talking was precisely what had to be done? Perhaps it was the same for Ian. “I know. But that was neither your nor my fault.”
That she knew more than anything.
“It was.” His deep voice penetrated the darkness, laden with emotion.
She shook her head against his warm skin, dread pooling in her belly. There was something he wished to say that she did not wish to hear and she was not yet brave enough to bear. So she would do the only thing she could think of to stop him. She would take the blame herself. “Ian, Hamilton went to war out of his father’s volition. You know I urged him to stay. Perhaps I should have begged harder.”
He laughed, a twisted sound, full of pain and fury. “Sweetheart, it is not you who should have fought harder for Hamilton’s life.” He rolled over, turning his face and his body toward the fire. “It was I.”
She propped herself up onto her elbow, looking down on him. “I don’t understand.”
His shoulders, those proud, strong shoulders, slumped. “I should have fought harder for him. Don’t you see, if I had rescued him as his father wished he would still be alive and Thomas wouldn’t have been able to send you to that place.”
Eva swallowed, her heart aching at this side of Ian that he had never allowed her to see. “And you would be dead?” she whispered.
“Yes!” he roared. “No. I don’t know. But we lost something out there.” His voice tore in broken starts. “We lost our friendship and I let him die. Don’t you see, if I had fought harder for him or died in his place, he would still be alive. Your son would still be alive. You would never have been sent to that hellhole.”
Eva sat in the firelight, his words hitting her with the force of his guilt. For the last year he had been living in this black filth. He’d hidden it so well, her strong Ian. But in the end he was no different than she, racked with guilt at what they had done.
Did she sound as he did when she claimed Adam’s death?
There was no doubt in her mind, despite his determined claims: Ian wasn’t responsible for Hamilton.
Her eyes blurred and she blinked rapidly. If he did indeed feel the way she did, there was nothing she could say to change his mind. Still, she had to try. Slowly, she lay down beside him, placing her arms around his tense frame. The words she was about to utter were no doubt the hardest she had ever contemplated. They had to be said, though. To bring him back, as he had done everything he could to bring her back. “Do you believe I could have saved Adam?”
“Eva—”
“No. I want to know.”
He twisted in her arms, facing her. “You know I don’t. It was a dreadful . . . accident.” There was a hitch in his voice.
Eva forced herself to remain calm. She sucked in a slow breath, readying herself with false confidence. “There you see.”
“See what exactly?” he said tightly. “If you finally see that it was not your fault, then I am happy.”
She stared at him for a moment, then dropped her head back. Tired. So tired. “You are not happy. I do not make you happy.”
“That’s not true—you are everything to me,” he whispered.
She bit her lower lip, feeling the truth of the situation. Two lost souls could somehow find their way, could they not? Or would they simply wander, lost in their own separate hells, keeping the other chained in loss? She turned her head back toward him. “Then, if you truly believe me innocent, you cannot claim responsibility for Hamilton.”
A muscle clenched in his cheek. “I can.” His green eyes turned to two flat rocks, glimmering but almost dead with acceptance. Gently he took her hand and stroked her fingers over the scattered scars along his chest.
“He was responsible for his own actions, Ian.”
“Yes, but—”
Her insides tightened at his strange contradiction. “There is no ‘but’ about it. He—”
“I was there. I watched him die. And I did nothing.”
She held her breath, caught up in his sudden intensity.
“He bled to death at my feet. And I didn’t stop the man who killed him. In fact, I told him where he might find Hamilton.”
She frowned. “That makes no sense. He died in battle.”
“That was the report. But it’s not what happened. He died in an alley. Most believed it was self-destruction, though his officers did not bring such a thing to light. Some believed it was something more, but Hamilton had made enough enemies that they kept their opinions quiet and they kept his gruesome death quiet, too.”
His eyes darted from hers, his face whitening with pain. “But he—” Ian’s voice broke. His hand began to shake, the one holding hers, shaking hers right along with it. “It never should have happened. None of it. I never thought to see him change the way he did.” His eyes closed. Even with his lids pressed tight, the muscles fluttered as if he were envisioning
the nightmare.
There were a thousand things she wanted to say. Anything, really, to break this moment of damnation. At last, there was only one thing: “I know you, and whatever you did, it was the right thing.”
He laughed a bitter laugh, then pressed his palms to his eyes.
She’d never seen a man cry. She wished he would. If he did, he might feel some relief. But he wouldn’t. Men like Ian didn’t allow themselves the luxury.
“You’re right.” He opened his eyes. No longer dead, they were full of resolve. “He did choose.” Without looking back at her, he rolled away. Fastening his trousers, he stared into the fire. “But I chose also. I chose to reveal Hamilton’s whereabouts. I chose to stand by while he was killed.”
What could Hamilton have done to induce such a thing from Ian? For she knew Ian’s heart was too noble to act thusly without reason, even if he might wish her to believe otherwise.
The longer she sat away from him in silence, the more the cold air stung her naked skin. Eva shivered. Her robe was in a pool of white silk about her. Quickly she slipped it on. Wishing it didn’t feel as though she were donning armor against the coming moments. “You came back. Alive.”
“Too late. Because of what I did, Adam is dead and you . . .”
Eva remained behind him, unable to speak. Whatever ease had come to Ian in the last days drifted away before her. Replaced by that fatal resolve that had so frightened and assured her. “And?”
“I will not take Hamilton’s place. Even if he—No. I can’t. Not when I betrayed him. Not when I betrayed you. My heart is not to be trusted with love. I betray those I love.”
“I see.” Oh, God, did she see. It whipped at her. Worse than the blows Matthew had pummeled her with. Now she would welcome the fiery stripe of the stick lashing down upon her back compared to this hell.
“Thank you,” he said quietly.
And though it broke her heart, she curled into his arms, quiet. Praying, praying with all her heart that he would forgive himself. She loved him so much and it took all her strength not to try to make him see the foolishness of his words. If she waited, he would see on his own. Surely, if she waited just a little longer, he would finally be able to embrace love.
The Dark Lady: Mad Passions Book 1 (Mad Passions (Eternal Romance)) Page 24