Both of them stared at me as if I were an idiot.
“What? Am I just totally blind or am I a fucking moron?”
“Yes,” both of them said in unison and then laughed.
Maddie turned to Sarah and asked, “How’s Haley?”
“What’s wrong with Haley?” I wasn’t sure I wanted to know. What if Sarah said they were dating? How would I handle that right then?
Sarah ignored me and answered Maddie’s question. “Oh, you are sweet to ask. She’s doing better. And she got the restraining order.”
Maddie looked relieved. I stared at her face and then Sarah’s. “What’s going on? Why did she need a restraining order?”
“Michael beat her up. I knew it was only a matter of time, but I couldn’t convince Haley of that.” Sarah looked on the verge of tears.
“Jesus … Sarah, I’m sorry. Are you okay?” I placed my hand on hers.
She flicked a tear off her face. Maddie rubbed her back. How in the world did Maddie know about this when I didn’t? Then it hit me: Maddie and Sarah were friends. I mean, they must have met up, like Maddie and I did. And I’m betting Sarah never considered that Maddie was hitting on her. Sarah probably knew that Maddie needed a friend and was there for her, like she was for Haley. When Sarah needed a friend, she turned to Maddie, not to me.
“I’m so sorry … I didn’t know how serious it was. Seriously, I feel like an asshole right now.” I squeezed her hand more, hoping she would know how awful I felt.
“You’re just extremely self-involved,” Sarah said in a loving way, but her voice informed me that it hurt her.
Maddie’s cell phone interrupted. She stepped outside to speak to her parents.
When I thought Maddie was out of earshot, I said, “Sarah, you thought Peter was having an affair?”
“Lizzie, how can you be so brilliant and yet so stupid? Of course! It was obvious. You just didn’t pay attention. You really should pay more attention to the people around you.” She withdrew her hand.
“I don’t think I paid enough attention to lots of things I should have. Most importantly: you.”
“Wow, you are being honest today, or a sweet talker. Am I a fool to believe anything you say?” She pushed her chair away from the table.
“I’ve had a lot of time to think.” I fidgeted with my beer coaster. “Even Hank doesn’t like me right now.”
Sarah’s eyes filled with tears again. “How is he?”
“He’s good. He’s been very bitey lately, though. Every time I pet him, he chomps my hand.”
“Good! You deserve it.” She slapped my shoulder.
Maddie came back to the table. “My parents are going to the house to get all of my stuff.”
“Will Peter give them any trouble?” asked Sarah.
Maddie laughed. “Gosh, no. Peter is terrified of my father. He’s big in the industry. It’s how we met.” She paused for a few seconds. “So, does anyone need a roommate, or know anywhere I can stay?”
“Well,” I smiled, preparing to divulge my secret. “I’m buying a cabin in Idaho, an hour away from Jackson Hole. You’re welcome to stay there for however long you want.”
Sarah stared at me. I couldn’t believe I’d suddenly blurted this out in front of her. After all the looking at houses we had done together, I went away for a week and bought a place.
Then she surprised me. She laughed. “Hmmm … I guess you are capable of buying a home. Or is it less scary if you call it a cabin?”
“Maybe.” I chuckled and met her eyes. “Or maybe I liked that it is just a summer home. I’ll have to close it up for the winters.”
“Why Idaho?” Maddie asked.
“The area is beautiful. The cabin overlooks a lake. Also, I couldn’t justify spending millions of dollars for a place next to the Tetons.”
She nodded. “Thanks for the offer, but I still have to work.”
Sarah stopped staring at me and said, “You can stay with Mom and me. She has a huge house.”
Her response stung. I wanted Sarah back home, but the way she said it made me feel as if staying with her mom was a permanent thing. But I couldn’t blame her. A few nice words wouldn’t wipe away what I had done. The betrayal. It was going to take more. Much more. And it wouldn’t be quick. My plan was to persevere and to take baby steps to show her how much I wanted her in my life.
“If you need a car, you can use mine. I’ll ride my bike.”
“Thanks, Lizzie, but my car is in my name. I insisted on that. And, Sarah, I’ll take you up on that offer. Now, let’s not talk about that asshole for the rest of the weekend. I’ll have plenty of time after Monday to dwell on this. What did I miss while I was gone?”
I raised my beer and hid behind it while I drank. Sarah answered, “Apparently, every time Lizzie pets Hank he bites her.” She couldn’t help laughing.
Maddie hit my arm, too. “Good. You deserve it. What’s this I hear about you thinking of moving out east and not telling Sarah about it?”
I slouched down low in my seat. “It was just an option I was pondering. And I admit, I was an asshole for not telling Sarah about it right away.”
“Damn right you were an asshole. Seriously, Lizzie, that’s a move Peter would have made.” Maddie looked disappointed.
I started to defend myself but thought better of it. She was right. It was a smarmy move. And I was realizing I was more like my brother than I cared to admit. Neither of them had brought up the elephant in the room. How had Maddie convinced her to come to the wedding? Maddie must be more persuasive than I thought possible. Maybe the enormity of Maddie’s decision had pushed aside the event from their minds. I wanted to believe that they would forget it entirely, forever. But life wasn’t that easy. I was learning that. And I was learning that Maddie and Sarah were the best of friends. I had hit on Sarah’s friend. Jesus, I was an imbecile.
“You were considering?” Sarah asked meekly, bringing me back to the conversation.
“I’ve decided there are other aspects of my life that I need to concentrate on, besides my research and career. For now, that choice is out of the hat.” I answered, looking between the two of them.
“Out of the hat? What the fuck does that mean?” Maddie muttered as she shoved another shrimp smothered in cocktail sauce into her mouth. It was hard to believe she had stood Peter up earlier in the day. Had she planned on doing it all along? I wondered. If she had, the plan was brilliant, in a crazy, bitchy way. I remembered her referring to the wedding as a show.
“It means that, right now, I am not considering moving. And now I have a place to get away for weekends and stuff.”
“So, down the road you may move?” Sarah stared at me earnestly.
“I don’t know, Sarah.” Having Maddie there helped me open up. Her candor and point-blank questions made me feel good, for once, about answering Sarah honestly. I was finally tired of hiding behind bravado. My family had hurt me so many times that I had started to lie about my feelings to everyone. To Sarah. To Maddie. To Ethan. And to myself. I was like an iceberg, with ninety percent of my real feelings submerged so no one would know how vulnerable I truly felt. I lied so much, and so often, that even I didn’t know my true feelings anymore.
“No I don’t plan on moving away.” I looked at Sarah. “Who knows what next year will bring? But right now, I want to stay put. I have some shit to work out.”
Sarah continued staring into my eyes for what seemed like an eternity. Then the muscles in her face relaxed and she looked at peace. “So, ladies, I am in the mood to shop,” she said.
Maddie readily agreed, so I settled the bill and the three of us hit the main street of tourist shops. Most charged exorbitant prices for a Hanes T-shirt with some stupid slogan like “Don’t Feed the Bears” and depicting a bear holding the sign with the word “Don’t” crossed out, but I didn’t even mind.
We wandered from store to store, laughing and giggling the whole time. That evening, we had a fancy dinner and stopped at a candy store on the way to th
e hotel to splurge on homemade fudge. Sarah picked out five different flavors and five pounds of fudge in total. I also bought her some chocolate-covered strawberries, which she had always liked. I couldn’t remember ever having bought her any before.
Then we sat in the hotel room drinking wine and eating fudge until shortly after midnight, when we all collapsed with full bellies.
Maddie slept in a single bed, and Sarah and I shared. We both changed separately in the bathroom and then crawled under the covers, both aware of the excessive space between us in the bed.
I reached out and took Sarah’s hand. She didn’t pull it away.
That was the best day of my life.
* * *
On Monday afternoon, I drove Sarah and Maddie to Rose’s house. Sarah had arranged for Maddie’s parents to drop off her stuff and her car, and all the junk that didn’t fit was put into a storage unit. I marveled at how wonderful Maddie’s parents were. Not only did they not mind helping out, they actually wanted to help.
Her dad was flying out on the red-eye to get back to work, but her mom was going to stay for at least a week. Maddie wanted to have dinner with both of her folks before her dad left town, so she rushed inside to change.
Sarah sat in the car with me for a moment.
“Does she know where she’s going in the house?” I asked.
Sarah laughed. “Yes. Mom and I had her over for dinner a few times.” She paused. “You aren’t the only one who had secrets.” Her voice sounded triumphant, cunning even. It was sexy.
I laughed. I wanted to say, “I’ll tell you mine if you tell me yours.” But I didn’t. We said our goodbyes and I watched her saunter into the house. She stopped at the door, turned, and waved goodbye. I waved back and sat in the driveway, staring at the door she had just walked through and envisioning myself running through the door, scooping her up and kissing her. I really wanted to kiss her.
Telling myself not to be stupid, I grabbed my cell phone and dialed her number. She didn’t answer. I closed my cell phone. Don’t be stupid, Lizzie.
I dialed again. Still no answer. I left a voicemail saying I would really like to take her to dinner sometime.
Then I hung up and sat in her driveway, staring at my phone. She didn’t call back.
Later that night, I heard my cell phone vibrate on my nightstand. I rolled over in bed and read the message: I’ll think about it.
Smiling, I rolled onto my back and stared at the ceiling. She’ll think about it. I petted Hank and told him the good news. He bit my hand, and I laughed.
“You will believe in me,” I said. “I’ll make her believe in me again.”
* * *
Two weeks passed before I received another text from Sarah. It simply read: Pick me up Friday night at 7 p.m.
She didn’t ask if I was free. She didn’t even ask if I wanted to go. Her boldness turned me on.
I showed up promptly at five minutes to seven and waited in the car with the candy I had picked up for her. At one minute to seven, I got out and walked up the driveway. A slight breeze kicked up some dirt and I watched an empty Coke can blow casually in several different directions.
An urge to run overwhelmed me.
I stopped dead in my tracks.
A car drove by and smashed the Coke can into smithereens.
Chuckling at the timing, I conquered my need to run and continued my journey to the door.
I heard laughter behind the door.
Sarah opened the door. Maddie and Rose stood behind her, laughing.
“We weren’t sure you would get out of the car,” Maddie exclaimed.
I smiled. Then I handed Sarah the candy. She wore a tight T-shirt and jeans, and her body had never looked so good. She turned to take the candy into the kitchen. While she was gone, her mother said, “Don’t make me want to run you over with my car again.”
I stood there awkwardly, wanting to explain but not knowing how to, until Sarah came back and we excused ourselves.
“Where are we were going?” Sarah asked as we climbed into the car.
“I thought we would go to dinner in Denver and then catch a late movie. There’s a great foreign film theatre near the restaurant. I’ve heard good things about this French film playing there.”
Sarah was fluent in French and loved French films. We never saw them, though, since I didn’t like them.
“Really?” I detected excitement in her voice. “I thought for sure we would go to Phoy Doy again.”
I guessed she had seen through much of my bullshit in the past, when I had attempted to appease her without really trying.
I smiled at her. “I thought a change would be nice. You might be out late, though. Will your mom send a hit man?”
“Oh, Lizzie, it’s not Mom you have to worry about; it’s me.”
And she was right. It was her. It was finally all about her.
Dedication
This book is dedicated to my partner, for everything.
Author’s Note
Thank you for reading A Woman Lost. If you enjoyed the novel, please consider leaving a review on Goodreads or Amazon. No matter how long or short, I would very much appreciate your feedback. You can follow me, T. B. Markinson, on twitter at @50YearProject or email me at [email protected]. I would love to know your thoughts.
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Acknowledgments
I would like to thank my editor, Karin Cox. I am extremely grateful for all the hours she spent hunting for all of my mistakes and for her wonderful suggestions on how to improve the final product. Thank you to my beta readers who assisted me in the early stages. Lastly, my sincerest thanks goes to my partner. Without her support and encouragement this novel would not exist. Thank you for believing in me. I don’t know where this road will take us, but I’m fortunate to have you by my side.
About the Author
T. B. Markinson is a 39-year old American writer, living in England, who pledged she would publish her first novel before she was 35. Better late than never. When she isn’t writing, she’s travelling around the world, watching sports on the telly, visiting pubs in England, or taking the dog for a walk. Not necessarily in that order. A Woman Lost is her debut novel.
Table of Contents
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight
Chapter Nine
Chapter Ten
Chapter Eleven
Chapter Twelve
Chapter Thirteen
Chapter Fourteen
Chapter Fifteen
Chapter Sixteen
Chapter Seventeen
Chapter Eighteen
Chapter Nineteen
Chapter Twenty
Chapter Twenty-One
Chapter Twenty-Two
Chapter Twenty-Three
Chapter Twenty-Four
Chapter Twenty-Five
Chapter Twenty-Six
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Chapter Thirty
Chapter Thirty-One
Chapter Thirty-Two
Chapter Thirty-Three
Chapter Thirty-Four
Chapter Thirty-Five
Chapter Thirty-Six
Chapter Thirty-Seven
Chapter Thirty-Eight
Chapter Thirty-Nine
Dedication
Author’s Note
Acknowledgments
About the Author
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