Seeing how well she got along with my family tonight only made this dilemma more difficult.
The timing of it all sucked major ass.
Whether she wanted to admit it or not, Chloe and I shared something exceptional. That I knew as a fact. What I didn’t know was whether or not she was ready to admit that fact to herself—or to me.
Not to mention the world of hurt she had brought to my best friend. There was that to consider too.
Call me an asshole, but the truth is that just because you have feelings for someone…doesn’t mean it’s going to work. Even if you want it to, more than you want your left nut. What happened with Maya was a prime example of that. As much as I wanted to give up this career opportunity to see where things would lead with Chloe, I had to be realistic.
The timing was all wrong.
She may not be ready for it.
I may not be ready for it.
On the other hand, saying no to Dalton would put unnecessary pressure on both of us to not only define what was happening between us but to force it to work. That kind of pressure could very well crush our chances before we even had a chance to truly try.
I needed more input. If I learned anything from my past with my ex, I’ve learned to know exactly where I stand before making a decision that could affect not only me but also my relationships with the people I cared about most. I’d talk to my family about it later. Right now, I had to know two things from Chloe before making any decisions:
1. Would she admit that she’s got it just as bad for me as I’ve got it for her?
2. Was she ready to make things right with Logan?
Because honestly, that whole hoopla between the two of them was a serious red flag, and it would be the dick move of a lifetime to give up an opportunity like this or get serious with a girl who had hurt my friend. I just couldn’t shake the thought that there was more to that whole fiasco. Maybe it was wishful thinking but something pulled at me to give her the benefit of the doubt, and I couldn’t help but think she wanted to make it right. From what she had shown me of herself, she wasn’t anything like the girl most people took her to be.
I pulled my truck into a visitor’s space in her apartment building’s parking lot and shifted it into “park.” I turned in my seat to face her and noticed her hand on the door handle, ready to bolt. She stared straight ahead, intently focused on the brick wall of her building.
I opened my mouth to say something. To apologize for giving her the silent treatment. To tell her there was something she needed to know. To ask her what really happened with Logan. To ask her how she felt about us.
Before anything came out, she took her grip off the handle and fisted my coat instead, pulling me into a kiss so passionate, I barely remembered who I was, not to mention what I wanted to say. Then, just as quickly as it started, she pushed me away and looked at me like I had aggravated the shit out of her.
I pressed my lips together to keep my grin from showing. Now would be a totally inappropriate time to smile. It would surely piss her off even more than she already seemed to be. But I’ll be damned if I didn’t love her spontaneity.
Her gaze shifted to my mouth, and her eyes squinted in irritation.
Shit. She saw the smirk.
She inhaled a deep, theatrical breath and released it in a long sigh. When her eyes met mine, my smile vanished because the only thing I saw behind her stare was sadness, and I hated myself because I knew my behavior tonight was the cause of it.
“My instincts are telling me to walk away from you, Matt, and never look back. I know, deep down, that is what I should do because I know exactly where this is headed,” she pointed back and forth between us. “I can’t even begin to tell you how badly I want to jump out of this truck right now. But I can’t seem to do that, and do you know why?”
I tilted my head, blindsided by her unexpected honesty. “Why?”
I desperately wanted her to say that it was because she had the same kind of feelings for me that I had for her. I wanted her to say that it was because she was ready to see where things would lead with us.
“Because I want to stay more. Because you make me feel better about myself than anyone has made me feel in a very long time, and I can’t be close to you without wanting to get even closer. I like being around you, and the more time I spend with you, the more of you I want. I can’t seem to walk away from you. Do you have any idea how fucked up that is for me? Or how screwed that makes me?”
“Yeah, I do actually.” I felt exactly the same way. And…did she just confess that she has a thing for me? Fuck me. Knowing I had that kind of effect on her felt incredible. After hearing it, the need to clear the air between us became overwhelming. “Look, Chloe, there are some things I need to talk to you about.”
“I know. But will you do me a favor?” Her eyes pleaded with me. “Please?”
“Yeah.” I don’t think I’d be able to say no to those eyes even if I tried. “Of course.”
“Just wait. Until tomorrow. Spend the night with me.” She placed her hand on top of mine and gently squeezed, “Pretend there’s nothing to talk about, just for tonight. Please, Matt, we can make a memory tonight that we’ll never forget. Something we can look back on when it’s all said and done. Let’s save tomorrow for talking.”
A memory we’ll never forget… All said and done.
She meant when it’s over. Tomorrow.
What should’ve been a thrilling proposition sounded a hell of a lot like goodbye to me. A memory meant the past, and she was about to put me in it. In asking me to spend the night, to make it unforgettable, she was preparing to let me go—to make me a memory.
It hit me like a thousand needles stabbing at my chest that I had just gotten my answer to question number one. She may have feelings for me, but they weren’t strong enough yet to take things to the next level. And we didn’t have time to find out if they’d ever be strong enough.
She was already planning to let me go.
The thought of parting ways with her permanently made my stomach twist into knots. Tonight would be our last night together, and I despised the thought of it. But if it was going to happen, I’d damn well savor every last minute I had with her.
“Fine,” I replied. “But if we’re going to make it memorable, it sure as hell won’t be here.”
Her face scrunched up in resentment at the same moment I realized how offensive that must have sounded.
A laugh snorted its way out of me. “I didn’t mean it like that. You’ve got a great apartment, Pink. You just deserve a better place for the memory we’re about to make.”
Her smile radiated a mixture of relief and anticipation. It pulled at my heart and warmed it all at once. God, I’d miss that smile.
~Chloe~
Matt had stepped out of his truck to make a phone call in the parking lot of my apartment building, and when he returned to the cab, shutting the door behind him, he had the sexiest damn smirk on his face.
Without a word, he pulled back onto the street, driving toward whatever destination he had planned. With it being Christmas and the middle of a snowfall, we were the only ones on the road except for a few lone cars here and there.
Even though the roads were slippery, I felt safe in his truck, knowing that it had four-wheel drive. There was something so peaceful about being out here while everyone else in the city remained tucked securely within the cozy warmth of their homes.
“Where are you taking me?” I said with an undertone of nervous excitement in my voice.
“Patience, Pink. You’ll see.”
The ride from his parents’ house to my apartment had been filled with tension and worry, but the second he agreed to save the talking for tomorrow, everything between us changed. We were us again. Just the two of us…living only in the moment, not thinking about any outside forces that may affect us and not worrying about the enormous elephant-in-the-room that would ultimately tear us apart. We’d deal with that tomorrow.
Toni
ght, we’d make a memory. One that we could hold onto when whatever it was that he had to tell me would inevitably breach the fragile bond that we’d just begun to form. I allowed the thoughts of losing him to drift away because the only thing that mattered right now was this moment. A moment I had no intention of ruining.
As we drove, I noticed tail-lights of a vehicle flashing hazards in the ditch up ahead. I felt bad for whomever had slid off the road and into the ditch and hoped they had been able to call someone for help. But I didn’t think much more of it until Matt’s truck slowed down immediately after we passed the stranded car. He pulled his truck to the side of the road and backed it up to the car in the ditch.
I watched in confusion as Matt put his knit hat on, followed by his gloves.
“Sit tight, Pink. I promise this won’t take long,” he said just before exiting the truck and walking toward the car.
He spent a few moments by the driver’s side window, talking to whomever was inside the car, snow falling all around him. He pointed to the truck and appeared to be giving some sort of directions. The next thing I knew, he jumped onto the bed of his truck to open the silver tool chest that rested just behind the cab, pulling out a chain. He hooked the chain to the underbelly of the car, then hooked the opposite end to his truck. Then, he came back inside and grabbed hold of the steering wheel.
I couldn’t stop watching him—this man, who existed on an entirely superior level than me. This fascinating man, who lived by doing what’s right and helping others. The thought to help that stranded person hadn’t even crossed my mind. Yet, to Matt, it came second nature.
The engine revved as his truck slowly pulled the car up the ditch and onto the road. Once the car was in a safe enough spot on the street, he went back outside to unhook the chain and return it to his toolbox. He said a goodbye to the person in the car and finally joined me back inside the truck.
“She’ll make it home, fine. She just has to drive a little slower,” he informed me, as if I had actually been worried about the stranger’s trip home. It hit me again, that he saw me as being a stronger, kinder person than I actually was. Someone who cared about others. He didn’t see the selfish side of me. I wanted so badly to be the person he regarded me as.
As misplaced as it was, his confidence in me continued to give me the determination to want to try. Try to turn my life around. Try to be better, like him. For him. For me. Maybe it was time to let go of what happened in the past. Simply being around him made me think that maybe it’s time to stop punishing myself for things I had no control over and take responsibility for my future.
I just wasn’t fully convinced yet that change was possible. Only time would tell, I suppose.
“I don’t get it,” I blurted. “You’re tatted up like some kind of alpha-male, bad-boy. You’re ripped. You intimidate the hell out of people when they first meet you, and at the same time, you’re sexy as sin. But underneath it all, you’ve got a heart of gold. You’re an honest, good person. I swear, you’re a walking contradiction.”
He laughed, “I’ve been called a lot of things in my life, Pink, but a ‘walking-contradiction’ has never been one of them.”
“I mean it as a good thing. You’re a hard person not to like.”
“So stop trying,” he said, his voice playful.
“Stop trying to not like you?”
He laughed, “Yeah, Pink! You know you are. And you know you do. Why resist?”
When I choked on my words, paralyzed by his comment and unable respond, he recovered our conversation, as if he hadn’t just completely called me out.
“I don’t know…,” he said. “I wasn’t always like this. Most of my tats I got in high school, when all I wanted out of life was to party or just chill. I spent a lot of time back then with my lips glued to either a bottle or a joint. I barely graduated because I just didn’t care about grades. I’ve always had a good relationship with my parents, but they worked so hard back then that they were never around to keep tabs on me. So…I did what I wanted to do, when I wanted to do it. I was a thrill-seeker. I didn’t have a care in the world until…,” he trailed off.
I remembered our first conversation at Ricci’s. Remembered what he said about his ex. For some reason, I didn’t feel any jealousy toward her. If anything, I was grateful to her for having a part in transforming him to who he was now.
I filled the silence with her name, “Maya.”
“Yeah,” he replied, shifting uncomfortably in his seat, “I guess you could say she triggered a change in me. I knew I was a fuck-up, and I thought she deserved someone better. I wanted that someone to be me, but with my bad grades and even worse attitude, I couldn’t even get a job to save my life. Which meant I couldn’t get out of my parents’ basement, which meant I was incapable of providing a damn thing for either of us.”
“Wow,” I said. “Sounds like you were different back then.”
“Yeah. That’s one way to put it.”
“So, what happened?”
He kept his eyes on the road and continued, “I thought about attending the community college, but my family didn’t have the money to send me, and without a job, neither did I. My life was going nowhere, and I felt pretty damn worthless because of it. I saw a U.S. military ad on TV late one night while I was channel surfing. It sparked my interest, so from there, I Googled the Army and found out their benefits which made me fucking ecstatic because it seemed like the answer to all my problems. The next day, I went to a recruitment center and enlisted.”
He removed his attention from the road and looked apologetically at me. “I’m sorry, I’m rambling.”
His story intrigued me. I wanted to know more about it. More about him.
“No, you’re not,” I replied. “Please keep going.”
“There’s really not much else,” he finished, biting his tongue.
“But you lost the girl,” I pushed. “Do you regret it?”
He shrugged, “It didn’t work out with Maya, and yeah, that hurt.” He glanced at me again, trying to gauge my reaction. When I didn’t give him any feedback to work with, he continued, “It hurt for a long time. But looking back, I gained so much during the time I served that I’ll never regret joining. I am a better person now, and I don’t think it would’ve happened any other way. The only thing I regret is not talking to her before deciding to enlist.” He paused in thought for a moment. “I guess you could say I regret not giving her the chance to be part of the decision that would affect her life. I’ll never make a mistake like that again.”
Grandpa Jack’s words echoed in my mind. That boy won’t make the same mistake twice. Apprehension flooded my system as I thought of the thing that I had asked Matt to wait until tomorrow to talk to me about. What was it? Would he be re-enlisting? Was he going to leave town?
I shoved my assumptions to the back of my mind just as quickly as they appeared, reminding myself that now was not the time to jump to conclusions. I’d have my answers tomorrow.
“Do you still love her?” I asked, immediately covering my mouth, embarrassed at my lack of brain-to-mouth filter. He didn’t owe me any explanations.
The thing was, I didn’t ask it because of jealousy or because I was upset that his past included loving someone else. I asked it because the way he was talking about his past with me…it was like he was sorting it all out in his own mind at the same time that he said the words out loud. It was as if he had never talked about it before, and something about our conversation was therapeutic to him. Whether or not he still loved her seemed to be a question he had been wanting to answer but never had a reason to confront it.
I asked it because he needed me to. So that he could face it. So that he could decide to either hold on to it or move forward.
He didn’t answer out loud, and that was okay. I was partly relieved that he didn’t. Our conversation came to a halt just as his truck stopped, and he turned the engine off. When I took my eyes off him to see where we were, I smiled.
&n
bsp; “You brought me to Rain?” I asked. “It’s open on Christmas?”
“Not exactly,” the playful glint in his eyes caused a thrill to shoot through me. “C’mon, I’ll show you.”
Chapter Seven
~Chloe~
Present (Christmas Night)
We stepped out of the truck and into the snow. A peaceful silence rested upon the normally bustling downtown area. The quiet seemed surreal for this part of town. Grateful for wearing my Uggs, I followed him through the powdery flakes that crunched with each step we took to the front door of the club. He entered a code into the outdoor security pad, and the door clicked as it unlocked.
He pulled on the handle, opening the glass entry door all the way and gesturing, “After you.”
It was pitch black inside. The door closed behind us, and I heard Matt enter another code into the indoor security pad. Then, he took my hand and led me into the darkness.
“Are we going to get arrested for this?” I asked as he pulled me forward. “How can you see where you’re going?”
“No. And, I’ve been here a few times… I know the layout. Watch your step right…about…” As if on cue, I stumbled down the only step to the dance floor. He caught me, chuckling at my clumsiness. “…there.”
“Matt!” I scolded, my voice echoed against the walls. “There must’ve been a light switch at the door. Why are we walking in the dark?”
“Lighting is everything, Sweetheart. You’re damn right, there’s a switch at the door, but that’s not the kind of lighting either of us wants to remember for tonight.”
I thought back to a few nights ago, when I waited in the upstairs loft for Matt to finish his shift. The horrid florescent lights that had turned on throughout the entire building at bar-close time were the kind of blinding lights that sobered you up in an instant. Those must’ve been the lights he was referring to.
He placed his hands on my shoulders and gently instructed, “Wait here.”
I could hear his boots against the cement floor, stepping further and further away until they treaded up the hollow wooden stairs of the stage. My eyes had begun to adjust to the darkness, but even outlines were still barely visible.
The Fragile Line: Part Two (The Fine Line #3) Page 4