But none of those are happening right now.
If you would have asked me how much money I’d be willing to pay for this kind of silence a year ago, I would have offered all I’m worth. I still shudder at the memories of those middle of the night cries.
Everyone was right when they said I would have no idea what that first year would bring. The frustrations and irritations mixed with annoyance. Every failure as a parent highlighted and emphasized with each scream I couldn’t soothe away. The fighting, name calling, the blame Leah and I so easily threw around.
That year was hell on earth. I thought Leah and I had already seen the worst in each other. Those few weeks we were separated, the fighting and pushing and pulling? That was nothing. Add weeks of no sleep and then you really see what people are capable of, how terrible they can be to each other. And we were, but I wouldn’t change a damn thing about it.
Because for every awful, plug your ears, want to stab someone moment, there were handfuls of perfect, beautiful, funny, picture worthy ones to help you forget about the others. Between all those moments of anger and animosity, I fell in love with her more and more every day. I didn’t think it was possible to fall more in love with her than I did while she gave birth to Charlie, but it happened. And every day since, I’ve found a new depth.
I would watch Leah do the most ordinary things and it would have me falling to my knees. Giving Charlie a bath or dancing around the kitchen, holding her in her arms. Watching Charlie rest her chubby little hands on Leah’s face while she pretends to eat them. The squeals of joy Charlie reserves only for her mother. My heart pounds out of my chest every time.
I have no idea why Leah was so nervous to become a mother. She’s amazing at it. It’s true, the first few weeks were rocky with neither of us knowing what we were doing. Those books were obviously a waste of money. But after a while, once we found a rhythm, she definitely took the helm and paved the way. And not once has she let me forget how lucky I am that I just have to follow her lead. But she doesn’t need to remind me. I’m well aware of how lucky I am.
When Leah went back to work, it was an adjustment. She was incredibly nervous to leave Charlie but also nervous to be back in an office setting. After accepting the extended maternity leave, her day to day outings were made up of Mommy and Me classes. Topics of discussion ranged from diaper rash to which baby is sleeping through the night. Charlie was not one of them. Leah worried the only intellectual contribution she would be able to make would come from something she heard on Baby Einstein.
But that first day back, when she put on her form fitting pencil skirt and V-neck blouse, held a briefcase in one hand and Charlie in the other, I was in complete fucking awe of the woman she had become. She put on a brave face when we dropped Charlie off at daycare and forced a smile as she left to go conquer the world of law. I was so proud of her. Even more so when she told me she waited ‘til ten thirty before calling the daycare to check in. I didn’t dare bring up that first hour she spent calling me, near tears with worry. But we survived that first day and all the rest that have followed since.
Leah left to go put Charlie down twenty minutes ago. Some nights, Leah and I are counting down the minutes until our rug rat goes to bed. But there are the others when I’m disappointed it’s that time already, where I’m the one begging for her to stay up for just another five minutes so I can keep playing with her.
I get up from my barely touched work and quietly make my way to Charlie’s bedroom. The door is slightly ajar, the only light coming from her princess nightlight. I open the door a little wider so I can get a better view of inside the room. And then I’m hit with another one of those instances where I become acutely aware of how much more I’m able to fall in love with this woman. How lucky I am to have fallen in love with her. Because falling in love is a great thing, but falling in love with your best friend? That’s everything.
Leah’s lying with Charlie in her small toddler bed, the safety bars lowered so that she can climb out easily. Charlie is asleep, curled up to her mother’s side while Leah reads to her in a hushed voice. Charlie’s loose wavy brown hair is being softly brushed back away from her closed lids, hiding her green eyes. Eyes like mine. She may have gotten that from me and taken after my skin tone, but Charlie looks just like her mother. Beautiful.
A few years ago, this was not the image I saw when I pictured my future. But now, I couldn’t imagine a different one. Actually, that’s not true. There are two ways I want to see this picture being different. I’ve casually brought one of them up to Leah a few times, but she just rolls her eyes. But as I watch her fingers skim the smooth skin peeking out from the bottom of her t-shirt, over her flat stomach, I think my words have stuck more than she’s willing to admit.
Another baby.
Leah and I are both only children and I don’t want that for Charlie. I want her to have at least one other sibling to play with, share things with. When I bring it up to Leah, she tells me to pack that thought away for another time. But watching her fingers move over her abdomen the way they are now, I wonder if that time has finally come.
Which brings me to the other thing I want to change. Her bare, ringless fingers. That at least is something that’s already in the works, my proposal plan already formulating.
Thoughts of rings and proposals are interrupted when Leah sees me leaning against the door frame and smiles. She quietly and very carefully disentangles herself from our daughter and slowly makes her way to me.
“Finally,” she says, closing the door behind us.
“How many stories did she need this time?” I ask, wrapping an arm around her shoulders.
“Four. I tried to tell her the faster she went to sleep, the faster it would be tomorrow and her day with Uncle Bryan would be here. She didn’t fall for it.”
I laugh. Even though Charlie is only two, she’s on to our bribery games. No longer falling for our lame attempts to try and outsmart her. Not even promises of Uncle Bryan do it now. That may be one of the other biggest surprises to have come from this.
Uncle Bryan.
From the moment Bryan came to meet Charlie in the hospital, she had him wrapped around her finger. I thought the reality of a screaming baby around would have kept him away, but it was quite the opposite. He refused to leave. He even went so far as to buy a separate baby monitor to keep in his apartment.
“In case you guys don’t hear her,” he said walking around our apartment, holding Charlie when she was two months old.
“You don’t think we’ll hear that fucking piercing scream?” Leah asked, skeptical.
“Language,” Bryan chastised, shaking his head. “Christ, Leah.”
Once Charlie got a little older, Bryan insisted on having a full day with her. Leah was a little nervous about it at first, but I rejoiced. A whole day to ourselves? I reminded Leah of all the things we could do and all the places we could do it. I think that got her a little more excited and led her to finally agreeing. We started letting him have her for a couple of hours which then led up to half a day. Now we feed her in the morning and don’t pick her up until dinner time.
Most times Kendall is there, which makes Leah feel better about it. For as much as Bryan has changed when it comes to Charlie, he’s still very much the same when it comes to Kendall. They still have their ups and downs, but for the last year, they’ve been on a steady climb up. But I get it now more than I did then. Kendall is his lobster. He’s loved her for years. Been in love with her for years. He’s just a much slower learner than I am.
I lead Leah over to the couch where we fall on it together, her back to my chest.
“What do you want to do tomorrow?” I ask, rolling the ends of her long hair between my fingers.
“Stay in bed,” she manages to say through a yawn.
I grin. “I could go for that,” I say releasing her hair and dropping my hand over her breast, giving it a squeeze.
Leah laughs but doesn’t shy away. Instead, she pushes her che
st out a little more, giving me a firmer and better grasp.
“Be careful, Comb,” I say half joking before I slide the tip of my tongue along the skin near her ear. It always causes her to squirm. “You might have me thinking you’re finally on board with my little expansion project.”
“Keep dreaming,” she answers.
But it’s the tone in which she says it that causes me to pause. Usually she laughs it off and pushes me away. But this time she doesn’t do any of those things. Instead, I feel her hand grip my thigh, pulling me closer, my growing hard-on digging into her back. I pull her away from my chest, pushing her down on the couch under me. I take a minute to dissect her expression. I see arousal, much like she must see in mine, but there something else there too. One I’ve seen from her only once before.
Surrender.
“Comb?” I ask, wanting confirmation that I’m reading the signs correctly.
She looks up at me under heavy lids, her eyes a little devious. “You think you have it in you? To make another one as perfect as her,” she says, cocking her head towards Charlie’s room and unbuckling my belt at the same time.
I twist my mouth to the side, grinning. “I know so. Let me prove it to you,” I say, rubbing my groin against her cotton covered middle. I know she can feel how hard I’ve gotten and she knows I can feel how hot she is under those yoga pants.
Her hands come up to my chest, her nails digging into my skin through my shirt.
“Okay, Carlisle,” she says, taunting me. “Show me what you got.”
I laugh.
“Whatever you say, Comb.”
FIRST COMES LOVE…
Love always comes first.
I’M NOT THE greatest at writing these—not because I’m not thankful for all who helped me along the way, but even as a writer, I feel like words just don’t articulate quite enough sometimes.
But I’ll try.
To my fantastic editors who read and reread every word, line and paragraph – your thoughts, opinions and comments mean everything to me. I’m very aware that each change/edit/deletion only made this book better. So thank you Megan and Kristen.
To my Beta Readers…Taking time out of your busy schedules to read and give me your input means so much. Christine, Keely, Nikki and Amanda. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
To all the pregnant ladies – Baxy, Danielle, Shawna, Tara, Jenn to whom I asked silly questions and who gave back silly and hilarious answers—Muah!
Chelsea – lawyer extraordinaire, thank you for all your legal expertise.
Jason at Framed Photography – photographer extraordinaire, thank you for answering all my camera questions.
Julie and JT Formatting – I can forever trust that my pages will look incredible when left in your hands.
Sarah at Okay Creations for her incredible talent at creating beautiful covers. They usually start out as random thoughts and jumbled images in my head but somehow end up as art wrapped around my words.
To my friends who incessantly ask when the next book will be done, well it’s here and thanks for the support!
My family who tirelessly and selflessly promote me and my books more than I could ever dream.
Words cannot describe how fortunate I’ve been for the bloggers and fellow authors who read and promoted a stranger—a writer they’ve never heard of but still took a chance on. Their support and kind words are what allows me to keep writing and allowed me to bring you Everything Unexpected. The list of names is long and extensive and one day when I’m organized enough to write them all down, I will. But for today, just know that I am forever in your debt.
And lastly, the readers. Without YOU, there is no ME doing this. The term thank you is not big enough, but it’s all I’ve got. THANK YOU.
xo
Caroline
CAROLINE NOLAN LIVES IN Toronto with her husband and their fur baby. Her first novel—This Is Love—received high praise as one of the best debut novels by a Contemporary Romance Author. She continues to write and expects to release her third novel—Us, On Repeat in 2017.
Caroline can be found online at
www.facebook.com/authorcarolinenolan
mrscarolinenolan on Instagram
@carolinewrites1 on Twitter
“Caroline Nolan has presented a book that I not only devoured, but would gladly re-read many times. It was such a beautiful and poignant story, and one I won't soon forget.”
~ Smokin’ Hot Book Blog
“I had no idea what to expect when I started reading this book… I hadn’t even read the blurb. But from the first sentence, I was hooked. I devoured every page like I was starving.”
~ Cover to Cover Book Blog
“Beautiful and realistic. Every word was moving. I read it slowly because I didn't want it to end.”
~ Author Pamela Sparkman
“Caroline Nolan wrote this with such an exquisite, gentle touch; it left me so happy, my heart completely overflowing and a giant smile on my face. If you're looking for a breathtaking, stunning story about loss, healing, hope and the capacity of the heart to love limitlessly—THIS IS WHAT YOU NEED!”
~ Give Me Books
“This Is Love is an AMAZING debut novel that is wonderfully unique and spellbindingly beautiful. Readers looking for an epic love, that is flawless in both the written word and the characters created; a real gem that embeds itself into your heart and soul, should pick up this book. I promise that it is one that will stick with you for a long time to come.”
~ Shh Moms Reading
“Let’s get this out of the way shall we? Caroline Nolan is the real deal. I’m not pulling your leg, I really think Ms. Nolan is FOR REAL.”
~ Straight Shootin Book Review
“This novel had a little of everything. You'll laugh and cry. You'll feel heartache right…. You feel the butterflies. And the ending.... are you kidding me? It was emotional but completely needed. Not to mention, it'll make you fall in love a little more.”
~ A Risque’ Affair Book Blog
“This is Love is Caroline Nolan’s debut novel and an amazing one at that. When I was finished reading this book I wanted to look her up and find other books that she had written so I can add them to my TBR list. But then I read the acknowledgements and saw that this was her first book and I was completely surprised because the writing was fantastic. Ms. Nolan is such a talented writer. The words flowed so perfectly. The story told was beautiful and at times emotional. And the characters she created were so real and people that you will fall in love with.”
~Three Chicks and Their Books Blog
Everything Unexpected Page 28