“Zurra, I...”
“Gotcha.” She wrapped her arm around his wrist and yanked it down to press his thumb against the waiting marriage certificate. She was frighteningly strong.
“No Zuri,” he said, balling his fist and tucking his thumb inside. “I’m still not signing it.”
“Why not?” She whined as she released him. “I’ve known you forever. I know everything about you. I know you like to save the green M&Ms for last, because that commercial said they would let you hit a home run in baseball. I know you say a little secret chant to turn on your imaginary force field at night to keep the monsters away. I know...”
She slowed down and got a little quieter. “...I know you are kind because you are secretly hoping that someone one day will reciprocate. Well, I’m here trying to reciprocate! Who else has ever liked you besides me? Huh? Those other girls, how much do they even know about you? Nothing. They don’t even know you. They’re just interested in you because you have tons of money... wait, no. Well, they just like you because they know one day you are going to become a successful... wait, no.”
She put her hands on her hips and thought deeply. “Huh... why do they like you?”
“I don’t think they do like me,” Gerald explained. “And even if they did, romance is a trap, and I don’t care to fall in it.”
Gerald stepped closer. “You’re right. Zuri, you have known me for a long time, but you seem to have missed the most important thing about me.”
She looked concerned. “I have? What’s that?”
“That I will not be forced. Not by you, not by anyone. Not even by my own treacherous body.”
She was speechless.
Gerald handed the tablets back to her. “Thank you for helping me with the couch. Believe it or not, you are the only one who did. You are crazy as a bag of weasels, but you are also the only real friend I have ever had.”
Zurra clenched her fists. “Ohhh, you big dummy! Don’t you know that when you say cool things like that, it just makes me want you more?”
“That was not my intention.”
She made her finger four times as big and pointed it at him. “Well, I have no intention of being stuck in the friend zone. You hear me, Dyson? As Murznu as my witness, I will make you mine!”
Gerald clucked his tongue. “Okay, well, I’m gonna be going now.”
“Where are you going?”
“I have to find a place to sleep for the night. Somewhere you won’t find me. Perhaps a nice overpass.”
“Ha!” Zurra cackled. “Wherever you go, I will follow you. You forget, I can be anything.”
She changed her shaped into a pink sharp-beaked hawk. “I can be a Venanian Drazon, and follow you from the air.”
She changed her shape into a pink long-nosed mole. “I can be a Zumbisian Filite and track your scent like a bloodhound.”
She reformed into her child form in overalls. “Face it, Dyson, you’ve already lost. No matter how fast you run, I can follow. The only way you are sleeping tonight is curled up in a bed with me!”
Gerald was unimpressed. He bent down and picked up his chicken from where she had been sleeping, then reached up and tapped his translator. “Trahzi, now,” he said, then disappeared in a flash of fire.
Zurra looked around. “GOSH DANGIT!”
Chapter Fourteen
The Ejaw Naze were the first interstellar race to perfect android technology, able to create a robot that was completely indistinguishable from a living person in both touch and behavior. Twenty-five cycles later, they were extinct. Apparently none of their scientists had considered the fact that it is impossible to get young men interested in dating real females when they could simply design their own ideal mate and have her custom built and delivered to their homes within twenty-four hours, programmed to be whatever they wanted her to be. The free exchange and upgrade policy didn’t help. A monument to their demise still sits on the steps of Capitol Hill on Central, a statue of a young Ejaw Naze man cuddling with three synthetic girlfriends.
- A Quick and Simple Guide to The Galaxy, page 532, Tongzen Press
Little Gerald pulled himself up out of the busted basement window and thrust his filthy fist into the sky. “Amazing all powerful super muscley manly man is victorious!” he shouted. He took his find, a can of expired peas he had found behind a broken furnace, and shoved it into the pocket of his overalls.
Nearby there was the crash of falling glass from one of the abandoned office buildings. The sound made him jump. The sun would be setting soon, and that is when the dog packs came out in force.
He held his hand up to his short dusty hair as if he were holding a cell-phone. “A.a.p.s.m.m.m. will now return to base.”
He ran across Main Street, lined with abandoned cars. Already they were beginning to crumble. The children had long ago busted out all the windows, and once they were exposed to the elements, it took almost no time for the seats and upholstery to become a wet slurry, a weeping mass clinging onto a skeleton of rusted springs. Little Gerald slammed his back up against a rotting Prius and held up his fingers as if he was holding a gun. Doing his best imitation of the Mission Impossible theme, he moved from car to car, checking for dragons, and making a dakka dakka dakka noise when he found an imaginary nest of trolls. He was just about to radio in his success when he heard a ruckus coming from the crater where the LDS temple had once stood. It looked like a great bowl, as if everything including the foundation had been scooped out by a ginormous ice-cream scooper. Scampering across the moldy fountains and cracked stones that had once been Main Street Plaza, he peeked out into the crater.
“Pinky pinky pinky,” a group of filthy girls shouted as they danced around, throwing rocks at the little child huddled at the center.
“Hey, leave her alone!” Little Gerald hollered, running up to the group, swinging his arms as if he held a light saber.
The girls were so shocked by his attack that two of them failed to get out of the way and he bowled right into them, knocking them over.
Little Gerald stood over the simpering pink girl and held his hands out. “I have created an impenetrable force field,” he announced. “Nothing can penetrate it, that’s what impenetrable means.”
One of the girls threw a rock and struck him in the head. He fell to the ground, blood trickling down his face as the kids laughed.
“Leave her alone,” Gerald repeated as he stood up.
“But she’s pink,” one of the girls said, scooping up a fresh rock.
“Who cares? You are pale,” he said, pointing to one girl. “And you are brown,” he said, pointing to another. “And you are a jerk,” he said, pointing to a third. “The point is she has feelings. At least, I think she has feelings...”
Little Gerald turned around. “Do you have feelings?”
“Of course I do!” the child whimpered.
“Okay, she has feelings, mystery solved, so you can’t hit her with rocks anymore.”
One of the girls lifted up her arm to throw anew when the clasp to her dirty pigtail broke off. “What the...”
Another girl’s sandal-strap broke, and she tripped backwards, landing on her rump.
A third girl stepped backwards onto a sharp rock, injuring her bare foot with a yelp.
“It’s the curse!” One of them said. “Don’t let the Dyson kid touch you!”
Gerald reached out his arms and yelled, “Kame-Hame-HA!” and the bullies scattered before him. Feeling quite proud of himself, little Gerald turned around and put out his hand. “My name is Gerald, but you can call me Geri.”
Zurra looked at his hand fearfully. “But... I’m pink.”
“I like pink,” little Gerald exclaimed. “One time I found some cupcakes in the trash, and the frosting was pink.”
Her young eyes went wide with adoration, and she took his hand.
* * *
Gerald opened his eyes just in time to see a small bird pecking at the flesh of his cheek. He sat up in shock, causing th
e little purple thing to fly away with a strange kah-kee kah-kee kind of noise. He dabbed the wound with his finger to see how deep it was, and then looked down at his chicken cuddled up next to him. It clucked happily, then stood up, proud of the chocolate flavored egg she had lain.
“I think I’ll call you Cadbury,” he said, petting her on the head. Cadbury squawked awkwardly, making her eyes bulge even more than normal.
Gerald looked around at the beautiful trees planted in a great spiral around the base of the bridge that spanned out over the waterfront. The bridge had sheltered him from the worst of the rain, but he was still cold and shivering as his breath misted before him. Gathering some fallen leaves, he got a fire going and quietly cooked his egg on a rock while Cadbury pecked around for bugs.
In a flash of flame, Trahzi appeared.
“Looks like Zurra didn’t find me last night,” Gerald commented as he slurped down his breakfast.
“No, but she did check most of the overpasses in the city.”
Gerald stood up. “You watched her?”
“We watch everyone.”
Gerald stuck his tongue in his cheek. “Uh huh. I think today, we are going to practice saying things in a less creepy way.”
“Creepy? We are not creepy.”
Gerald walked off and she followed, suddenly unsure.
“...are we?”
* * *
Gerald found a really neat spider web underneath a skyline marker just outside of the academy. “Ooh, Trahzi, look at this one. Can you take a picture of it and send it to me?”
Trahzi’s eyes flashed. “Done.”
“Sweet, thanks.”
Students glared at Gerald and Trahzi as they walked to school together. “So did you hear?” One asked her friend. “Cha’Rolette Ssykes has been bringing Dyson lunch every day.”
“She probably just feels sorry for him.”
“I don’t.”
Gerald breathed in deeply and wiped the blood off of his cheek. “You know, I think today is going to be a good day.”
Some of the boys stood menacingly beneath one of the crystal trees. “That guy has no business spending time with the best girl in the school.”
“Someone should take him out.”
“Did you hear? He’s failed every single test since he got here.”
Gerald took a peeled lemon out of his pocket and took a bite. “Good day. Good day.”
* * *
Gerald took a deep breath and ran his card through the reader as fast as he possibly could. His locker snapped and blazed from within, then swung open on one hinge, smoke pouring out.
“Hey Dyson,” Tiboe asked as he walked by. “That Tindorian impressionism project is due today; did you get a chance to finish it?”
Gerald pulled the door open by a warped corner and looked at the little pile of black ash contained within. “Yes, I spent all night working on it.”
“That was nice of Stubbs to give an extra credit assignment that you can actually do.”
Greald sighed. “Yes, it was.”
Tiboe glanced around and then leaned in close. “So, I gotta know, what’s it like, having four of the most beautiful girls in the school bringing you lunch every day?”
Gerald scratched the back of his neck as he watched the girls enter the classroom along with the others. Ilrica leapt up, stepping on one boy’s head to get in quicker, knocking him to the ground. Cha’Rolette floated by, oblivious to the others. Anyone who didn’t step out of her way was roughly shoved aside by invisible hands. Trahzi appeared in a flash of fire at her desk, frightening the nearby students, and Zurra became a pink slurry, flowing in underneath everyone.
“Eew, gross,” Kamanie yelled, stepping out of the pink river.
Gerald turned to Tiboe. “To be honest, they’re kind of scary.”
* * *
At the end of morning classes, Zurra came up and presented him with a huge plate of spaghetti and meatballs.
“How in the world are you getting ingredients from Earth out here?” Gerald asked.
“It’s a secret,” she giggled.
Cha’Rolette’s chefs brought out Grilled Taman infused with a century old cognac and steamed danub.
“Isn’t it expensive to feed me like this every day?” he asked.
Don’t worry, it’s tax deductible.
“Oh, I’m so relieved.”
Cadbury squawked loudly and laid another egg.
“My gift is the one that keeps on giving,” Ilrica boasted.
Gerald faked a smile as best he could as he looked at the meals before him.
Trahzi appeared and dumped some more vending machine stew on top of everything. The chefs where aghast. Zurra screamed and bounced up and down like a rubber ball. Ilrica thought it was hilarious.
“So, which one are you going to eat first?” they all asked in unison.
Gerald rolled up a fork-full of stew-covered spaghetti, speared a piece of Taman, and dipped it in the egg, putting all four in his mouth at the same time.
“They’re all delicious,” he praised.
“Looks like it’s a tie this time,” Ilrica said.
* * *
Gerald moaned in pain as afternoon classes came to an end. “I’m going to die if I keep eating this much every day,” he groaned.
It barely registered in his brain when Zurra walked up in her adult form and placed an old worn out magazine on his desk. “Geri, I need to get your opinion on something.”
“Blue,” he burped.
“No, I want to know what you like.”
“Like?” He sat up and saw that laid out before him was an old Victoria’s Secret lingerie catalogue.
“Zurra, what are you doing?” he asked, pushing it away.
“That armor is not going to protect them very much,” Ilrica appraised as she looked at the pictures over his shoulder.
Cha’Rolette was appalled. Gerald! How dare you bring something like that into this classroom?
“I didn’t.”
Zurra began flipping through the pages. “So, I was thinking you’d probably prefer the bustier and fishnet stocking combination, but this lacy camisole and thigh-high set looks nice too.”
When Zurra flipped to the bras and panties section, Cha’Rolette blushed brightly and covered Gerald’s eyes. Don’t look at it!
“I wasn’t.”
Trahzi walked over to see what the commotion was about. “What are these?” she asked curiously. “They do not look very comfortable.”
“I’m just trying to find out my bride’s tastes in underwear,” Zurra explained.
Cha’Rolette was as red as a turnip as Gerald struggled beneath her hands. This is completely inappropriate to bring into the academy!
Ilrica crinkled her nose. “What kind of male would like this? It’s so... frilly.”
“There is no such thing as too much lace on your underwear,” Zurra explained. “Do you know who said that? George Washington.”
“He said no such thing!” Gerald yelled from beneath Cha’Rolette’s hands.
Trahzi flipped to a page filled with different kind of thongs. “So, this attracts human males... fascinating.”
Why is everyone ignoring me? Her ta’atu unraveled and the magazine was sliced by a thousand invisible blades into confetti.
“Hey!” Zurra pouted. “That was a collector’s item, an historical artifact.”
Gerald finally managed to pull Cha’Rolette’s hands off of him. “Not something I’d really be proud of to see in a museum about my people.”
Zurra put her hands on her hips. “Fine, I don’t need pictures to model.” Her uniform morphed away until she was wearing nothing but a strapless pink bikini. “I was looking through the swimsuit section, and I thought you’d like this one.”
Are you insane? Cha’Rolette hollered.
“Zurra, please put some clothes on,” Gerald pleaded, trying not to look at anything but her face.
She blinked. “Clothes?”
�
�Yes, you are practically naked,” Ilrica complained.
Zurra laughed. “Naked? Seriously?” She grabbed the waistband of her bikini and stretched it out like it was made of rubber. “These aren’t clothes, this is my skin. I just shape it to look like clothes.” She changed her shape so that she was wearing a pink school uniform, then grabbed the collar and stretched it out as well. “Even when I’m in uniform, it’s still just my skin. Don’t you get it? I am always naked, so I don’t see why it bothers you now.”
They all stared at her.
You are the most ghoulish little thing I have ever seen.
“Shut up, squid lady!”
Cha’Rolette was thunderstruck. S... s-s-squid lady?
“I just want to know what Gerald likes so I can wear it when I’m around him.” She reformed herself so that she was wearing a pink garter belt and corset, pushing up her bustline tantalizingly and creating a lot of cleavage.
“Doesn’t that hurt to mash them up like that?” Trahzi asked curiously.
“Who cares?” Zurra said, striking a modeling pose to show herself off. “I was basically raised on earth, and of the men there, there’s not one of them born that can resist a good-sized rack.”
Trahzi turned to Ilrica and snickered knowingly.
“Shut up, Trahzi,” Ilrica snapped, folding her arms to hide her diminutive chest.
“Not all men are like that,” Gerald defended.
“Oh yeah?” Zurra’s breasts tripled in size, jiggling and bouncing before him. They now surpassed even Trahzi’s enormous bust line. Gerald’s eyes went wide as saucers, and he blushed from head to toe.
As Gerald tried unsuccessfully to look away, Zurra leaned forward and showed off her now ridiculously busty figure in a bathing suit that could barely contain it. Several of the boys in the room whistled and cheered. Zurra gave them a wink and blew them a kiss. The girls all looked on with murder in their eyes.
Tomar looked up from his book and gasped. A small trickle of blood came out of his nose. His face went pale, his orange eyes rolled back into his head, and he passed out, an expression of pure joy on his face.
Kharmic Rebound Page 24