“We can go out for a while now,” Father said, when the house-doctor had finally gone. “Would you like to play ball on the back lawn?”
“Yes please,” she said.
Father liked playing ball, and Wendy didn’t mind. It was better than the sedentary pursuits which Mother preferred. Father had more energy to spare than Mother, probably because Mother had a job that was more taxing physically. Father only played with software; his clever fingers did all his work. Mother actually had to get her hands inside her remote-gloves and her feet inside her big red boots and get things moving. “Being a ghost in a machine,” she would often complain, when she thought Wendy couldn’t hear, “can be bloody hard work.” She never swore in front of Wendy, of course.
Out on the back lawn, Wendy and Father threw the ball back and forth for half an hour, making the catches more difficult as time went by, so that they could leap about and dive on the bone-dry carpet-grass and get thoroughly dusty.
To begin with, Wendy was distracted by the ceaseless stream of her insistent thoughts, but as she got more involved in the game she was able to let herself go a little. She couldn’t quite get back to being thirteen, but she could get to a state of mind which wasn’t quite so fearful. By the time her heart was pounding and she’d grazed both her knees and one of her elbows she was enjoying herself thoroughly, all the more so because Father was evidently having a good time. He was in a good mood anyhow, because the house-doctor had obligingly confirmed everything he’d said about the normality of the water table, and had then backed down gracefully when he saw that he couldn’t persuade Father that the house needed a whole new root-system.
“Those somatic transformations don’t always take,” the house-doctor had said, darkly but half-heartedly, as he left. “You might have trouble again, three months down the line.”
“I’ll take the chance,” Father had replied, breezily. “Thanks for your time.”
Given that the doctor was charging for his time, Wendy had thought, it should have been the doctor thanking Father, but she hadn’t said anything. She already understood that kind of thing well enough not to have to ask questions about it. She had other matters she wanted to raise once Father collapsed on the baked earth, felled by healthy exhaustion, and demanded that they take a rest.
“I’m not as young as you are,” he told her, jokingly. “When you get past a hundred and fifty you just can’t take it the way you used to.” He had no idea how it affected her to hear him say you in that careless fashion, when he really meant we, a we which didn’t include her and never would.
“I’m bleeding,” she said, pointing to a slight scratch on her elbow.
“Oh dear,” he said. “Does it hurt?”
“Not much,” she said, faithfully. “If too much leaks out, will I need injections, like the house’s roots?”
“It won’t come to that,” he assured her, lifting up her arm so that he could put on a show of inspecting the wound. “It’s just a drop. I’ll kiss it better.” He put his lips to the wound for a few seconds, then said: “It’ll be as good as new in the morning.”
“Good,” she said. “I expect it’d be very expensive to have to get a whole new girl.”
He looked at her a little strangely, but it seemed to Wendy that he was in such a light mood that he was in no danger of taking it too seriously.
“Fearfully expensive,” he agreed, cheerfully, as he lifted her up in his arms and carried her back to the house. “We’ll just have to take very good care of you, won’t we?”
“Or do a somatic whatever,” she said, as innocently as she possibly could. “Is that what you’d have to do if you wanted a boy for a while?”
He laughed, and there appeared to be no more than the merest trace of unease in his laugh. “We love you just the way you are, Lovely,” he assured her. “We wouldn’t want you to be any other way.”
She knew that it was true. That was the problem.
She had ham and cheese manna for lunch, with real greens homegrown in the warm cellar-annex under soft red lights.
She would have eaten heartily had she not been so desperately anxious about her weight, but as things were she felt it better to peck and pretend, and she surreptitiously discarded the food she hadn’t consumed as soon as Father’s back was turned.
###
After lunch, judging it to be safe enough, she picked up the thread of the conversation again. “Why did you want a girl and not a boy?” she asked. “The Johnsons wanted a boy.” The Johnsons had a ten-year-old named Peter. He was the only other child Wendy saw regularly, and he had not as yet exhibited the slightest sign of disease to her eager eye.
“We didn’t want a girl,” Father told her, tolerantly. “We wanted you.”
“Why?” she asked, trying to look as if she were just fishing for compliments, but hoping to trigger something a trifle more revealing. This, after all, was the great mystery. Why her? Why anyone? Why did adults think they needed children?
“Because you’re beautiful,” Father said. “And because you’re Wendy. Some people are Peter people, so they have Peters. Some people are Wendy people, so they have Wendys. Your Mummy and I are definitely Wendy people—probably the Wendiest people in the world. It’s a matter of taste.”
It was all baby talk, all gobbledygook, but she felt that she had to keep trying. Someday, surely, one of them would let a little truth show through their empty explanations.
“But you have different kinds of manna for breakfast, lunch and dinner,” Wendy said, “and sometimes you go right off one kind for weeks on end. Maybe someday you’ll go off me, and want a different one.”
“No we won’t, Darling,” he answered, gently. “There are matters of taste and matters of taste. Manna is fuel for the body. Variety of taste just helps to make the routine of eating that little bit more interesting. Relationships are something else. It’s a different kind of need. We love you, Beauty, more than anything else in the world. Nothing could ever replace you.”
She thought about asking about what would happen if Father and Mother ever got divorced, but decided that it would be safer to leave the matter alone for now. Even though time was pressing, she had to be careful.
###
They watched TV for a while before Mother came home. Father had a particular fondness for archive film of extinct animals—not the ones which the engineers had recreated but smaller and odder ones: weirdly shaped sea-dwelling creatures. He could never have seen such creatures even if they had still existed when he was young, not even in an aquarium; they had only ever been known to people as things on film. Even so, the whole tone of the tapes which documented their one-time existence was nostalgic, and Father seemed genuinely affected by a sense of personal loss at the thought of the sterilization of the seas during the last ecocatastrophe but one.
“Isn’t it beautiful?” he said, of an excessively tentacled sea anemone which sheltered three vivid clownfish while ungainly shrimps passed by. “Isn’t it just extraordinary?”
“Yes,” she said, dutifully, trying to inject an appropriate reverence into her tone. “It’s lovely.” The music on the soundtrack was plaintive; it was being played on some fluty wind instrument, possibly by a human player. Wendy had never heard music like it except on TV soundtracks; it was as if the sound were the breath of the long-lost world of nature, teeming with undesigned life.
“Next summer,” Father said, “I want us to go out in one of those glass-bottomed boats that take sight-seers out to the new barrier reef. It’s not the same as the original one, of course, and they’re deliberately setting out to create something modern, something new, but they’re stocking it with some truly weird and wonderful creatures.”
“Mother wants to go up the Nile,” Wendy said. “She wants to see the sphinx, and the tombs.”
“We’ll do that the year after,” Father said. “They’re just ruins. They can wait. Living things . . .” He stopped. “Look at those!” he said, pointing at the screen. She looked
at a host of jellyfish swimming close to the silvery surface, their bodies pulsing like great translucent hearts.
It doesn’t matter, Wendy thought. I won’t be there. I won’t see the new barrier reef or the sphinx and the tombs. Even if they find a cure, and even if you both want me cured, I won’t be there. Not the real me. The real me will have died, one way or another, and there’ll be nothing left except a girl who’ll be thirteen forever, and a randomizing factor which will make it seem that she has a lively mind.
Father put his arm around her shoulder, and hugged her fondly.
Father must really love her dearly, she thought. After all, he had loved her for thirty years, and might love her for thirty years more, if only she could stay the way she was . . . if only she could be returned to what she had been before . . .
###
The evening TV schedules advertised a documentary on progeria, scheduled for late at night, long after the nation’s children had been put to bed. Wendy wondered if her parents would watch it, and whether she could sneak downstairs to listen to the soundtrack through the closed door. In a way, she hoped that they wouldn’t watch it. It might put ideas into their heads. It was better that they thought of the plague as a distant problem: something that could only affect other people; something with which they didn’t need to concern themselves.
She stayed awake, just in case, and when the luminous dial of her bedside clock told her it was time she silently got up, and crept down the stairs until she could hear what was going on in the living room. It was risky, because the randomizing factor wasn’t really supposed to stretch to things like that, but she’d done it before without being found out.
It didn’t take long to ascertain that the TV wasn’t even on, and that the only sound to be heard was her parents’ voices. She actually turned around to go back to bed before she suddenly realized what they were talking about.
“Are you sure she isn’t affected mentally?” Mother was saying.
“Absolutely certain,” Father replied. “I watched her all afternoon, and she’s perfectly normal.”
“Perhaps she hasn’t got it at all,” Mother said, hopefully.
“Maybe not the worst kind,” Father said, in a voice that was curiously firm. “They’re not sure that even the worst cases are manifesting authentic self-consciousness, and there’s a strong contingent which argues that the vast majority of cases are relatively minor dislocations of programming. But there’s no doubt about the physical symptoms. I picked her up to carry her indoors and she’s a stone heavier. She’s got hair growing in her armpits and she’s got tangible tits. We’ll have to be careful how we dress her when we take her to public places.”
“Can we do anything about her food—reduce the calorific value of her manna or something?”
“Sure—but that’d be hard evidence if anyone audited the house records. Not that anyone’s likely to, now that the doctor’s been and gone, but you never know. I read an article which cites a paper in the latest Nature to demonstrate that a cure is just around the corner. If we can just hang on until then . . . she’s a big girl anyhow, and she might not put on more than an inch or two. As long as she doesn’t start behaving oddly, we might be able to keep it secret.”
“If they do find out,” said Mother, ominously, “there’ll be hell to pay.”
“I don’t think so,” Father assured her. “I’ve heard that the authorities are quite sympathetic in private, although they have to put on a sterner face for publicity purposes.”
“I’m not talking about the bloody bureaucrats,” Mother retorted, “I’m talking about the estate. If the neighbors find out we’re sheltering a center of infection . . . well, how would you feel if the Johnsons’ Peter turned out to have the disease and hadn’t warned us about the danger to Wendy?”
“They’re not certain how it spreads,” said Father defensively. “They don’t know what kind of vector’s involved—until they find out there’s no reason to think that Wendy’s endangering Peter just by living next door. It’s not as if they spend much time together. We can’t lock her up—that’d be suspicious in itself. We have to pretend that things are absolutely normal, at least until we know how this thing is going to turn out. I’m not prepared to run the risk of their taking her away—not if there’s the slightest chance of avoiding it. I don’t care what they say on the news tapes—this thing is getting out of control and I really don’t know how it’s going to turn out. I’m not letting Wendy go anywhere, unless I’m absolutely forced. She may be getting heavier and hairier, but inside she’s still Wendy, and I’m not letting them take her away.”
Wendy heard Father’s voice getting louder as he came toward the door, and she scuttled back up the stairs as fast as she could go. Numb with shock, she climbed back into bed. Father’s words echoed inside her head: “I watched her all afternoon, and she’s perfectly normal . . . inside she’s still Wendy . . .”
They were putting on an act too, and she hadn’t known. She hadn’t been able to tell. She’d been watching them, and they’d seemed perfectly normal . . . but inside, where it counted . . .
It was a long time before she fell asleep, and when she finally did, she dreamed of shadow-men and shadow-music, which drew the very soul from her even as she fled through the infinite forest of green and gold.
###
The men from the Ministry of Health arrived next morning while Wendy was finishing her honey and almond manna. She saw Father go pale as the man in the gray suit held up his identification card to the door camera. She watched Father’s lip trembling as he thought about telling the man in the gray suit that he couldn’t come in, and then realized that it wouldn’t do any good. As Father got up to go to the door he exchanged a bitter glance with Mother, and murmured: “That bastard house-doctor.”
Mother came to stand behind Wendy, and put both of her hands on Wendy’s shoulders. “It’s all right, Darling,” she said. Which meant, all too clearly, that things were badly wrong.
Father and the man in the gray suit were already arguing as they came through the door. There was another man behind them, dressed in less formal clothing. He was carrying a heavy black bag like a rigid suitcase.
“I’m sorry,” the man in the gray suit was saying. “I understand your feelings, but this is an epidemic—a national emergency. We have to check out all reports, and we have to move swiftly if we’re to have any chance of containing the problem.”
“If there’d been any cause for alarm,” Father told him, hotly, “I’d have called you myself.” But the man in the gray suit ignored him; from the moment he had entered the room his eyes had been fixed on Wendy. He was smiling. Even though Wendy had never seen him before and didn’t know the first thing about him, she knew that the smile was dangerous.
“Hello, Wendy,” said the man in the gray suit, smoothly. “My name’s Tom Cartwright. I’m from the Ministry of Health. This is Jimmy Li. I’m afraid we have to carry out some tests.”
Wendy stared back at him as blankly as she could. In a situation like this, she figured, it was best to play dumb, at least to begin with.
“You can’t do this,” Mother said, gripping Wendy’s shoulders just a little too hard. “You can’t take her away.”
“We can complete our initial investigation here and now,” Cartwright answered, blandly. “Jimmy can plug into your kitchen systems, and I can do my part right here at the table. It’ll be over in less than half an hour, and if all’s well we’ll be gone in no time.” The way he said it implied that he didn’t really expect to be gone in no time.
Mother and Father blustered a little more, but it was only a gesture. They knew how futile it all was. While Mr. Li opened up his bag of tricks to reveal an awesome profusion of gadgets forged in metal and polished glass, Father came to stand beside Wend and, like Mother he reached out to touch her.
They both assured her that the needle Mr. Li was preparing wouldn’t hurt when he put it into her arm, and when it did hurt—bringing tears
to her eyes in spite of her efforts to blink them away—they told her the pain would go away in a minute. It didn’t, of course. Then they told her not to worry about the questions Mr. Cartwright was going to ask her, although it was as plain as the noses on their faces that they were terrified by the possibility that she would give the wrong answers.
In the end, though, Wendy’s parents had to step back a little, and let her face up to the man from the Ministry on her own.
I mustn’t play too dumb, Wendy thought. That would be just as much of a giveaway as being too clever. I have to try to make my mind blank, let the answers come straight out without thinking at all. It ought to be easy. After all, I’ve been thirteen for thirty years, and unthirteen for a matter of months . . . it should be easy.
She knew that she was lying to herself. She knew well enough that she had crossed a boundary that couldn’t be recrossed just by stepping backward.
“How old are you, Wendy?” Cartwright asked when Jimmy Li had vanished into the kitchen to play with her blood.
“Thirteen,” she said, trying to return his practiced smile without too much evident anxiety.
“Do you know what you are, Wendy?”
“I’m a girl,” she answered, knowing that it wouldn’t wash.
“Do you know what the difference between children and adults is, Wendy? Apart from the fact that they’re smaller.”
There was no point in denying it. At thirteen, a certain amount of self-knowledge was included in the package, and even thirteen-year-olds who never looked at an encyclopedia learned quite a lot about the world and its ways in the course of thirty years.
“Yes,” she said, knowing full well that she wasn’t going to be allowed to get away with minimal replies.
“Tell me what you know about the difference,” he said.
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