“I’m fine, you should go be with Levi.” I start tossing things in my suitcase.
“No.” She crosses her arms in a defiant stance. “I should stay right here because I know exactly how it feels to be the one left with no one after your heart gets broken. I’m not letting that happen. Levi wants me here with you.”
“Seriously,” I walk over and give her a peck on the forehead, “I’m fine. You can go. I’m getting ready to drive back to the city anyway.”
“Perfect. I’ll ride with you.”
I look up from the bag I’m zipping closed. “No.”
“It’s cute that you think I’m asking. And don’t try that tone of voice with me. I’m VP of an international bank, and you don’t fucking scare me. I wade through a swamp of toxic masculinity daily. This,” she waves her hand at me, “is like a fly on my shoulder.”
She’s as bad as Lilith. I know when to fold when it comes to the women in my life, and this is one of those times. I can tell by the hard set of her gray eyes that I’m not going to win this argument. “Do you need to grab anything before we go? Your purse or anything?”
“No, I have my phone. I’ll shoot Levi a text to grab everything on his way to the city. “
“Okay, let’s go then,” I say as I do one last sweep through the room, making sure I grabbed everything.
We take the stairs down to avoid any possible run-ins with an angry Connor. My palm still aches from where I blocked his punch. Luckily, he wasn’t swinging at full strength, otherwise I’d probably have a broken hand. I open the door for Ivy when we get to my car and wait for her to slide in before I close it.
Truthfully, I’m glad she’s here with me. It gives me something to focus on aside from Claire and how it feels like she reached into my chest and squeezed my heart until all that was left were broken pieces. There is a fucking ache inside my soul where she made herself at home.
“Are we talking about what happened, or am I distracting you?” she asks.
“Distracting,” I say quickly then add, “please.”
“Cool. I think I’ve let Levi talk me into a baby.” She launches into a story about how he’s been hounding her for just one, just the first, because he is relentless when he sets his mind to something. I chuckle when she mentions him putting together a presentation about why now is actually the perfect time for them to start their family.
Then she transitions into talking about business and how several of the older male VPs she works with are harassing her. I make a mental note of their names to look into them this week. I guarantee they each have some usable skeleton in their closet. Everyone does if you know where to look.
Somehow, she fills the entire drive back to the city with chatter. I’m not sure how she does it, but I love her for it. I pull up in front of her and Levi’s building to drop her off. She hesitates before getting out of the car.
“Do you want to come up and hang until Levi gets home?”
“No, I need to get home, do some work.”
“Okay,” she reaches over and rubs my cheek. “We’ll be available the entire time we’re gone if you need anything. The resort we’re staying at has reliable wi-fi, so if you need anything, even just to listen to the ocean, let us know.”
“Thanks,” I put my hand over hers and squeeze, “but I’m not bugging you on your honeymoon.”
“You’re family, Griff. Levi and I love you. We will be there if you need us.” She exits the car after giving me a kiss on the cheek.
As soon as the door closes behind her, I feel an oppressive emptiness. I start to head home, but then I remember that my apartment is full of reminders of Claire. I can’t do it yet, so I drive north, out of the city. There’s only one place I want to be right now, and that’s back at home in Founder’s Ridge.
Several hours later, I’m pulling into my parents’ driveway. Stephanie, my oldest sister, is here. Her car is in the driveway, and three bikes are dumped in the front yard. She must have her boys with her. They’ll be a good distraction.
“Hello?” I say as I push open the side door. It opens into a mudroom off the kitchen.
“Griff?” my mom asks, coming around the corner from the kitchen. Her red hair is pulled back in a frizzy ponytail, and she’s got flour on her shirt. She’s definitely baking something; it smells like cookies of some sort. “What are you doing here, honey?” She wraps me in a hug, and even though she’s almost a foot shorter than me, I feel like a kid again.
I didn’t think of a reason for coming home. They’re definitely going to know that something is wrong. I would never show up like this if things were okay. I can tell by the look on her face she’s thinking the same thing. I’m still in my clothes from last night. I really didn’t think this through.
“Are you okay?” Concern etches deep lines into face.
“No.” I shake my head. “I’m really not.”
“Well, come to the kitchen, and let’s talk it out. Stephanie’s here, the boys wanted to swim.”
Sure enough, I look out the kitchen windows and see them all in the pool, splashing each other and laughing. My oldest nephew dunks his younger brother, and Stephanie wades over to break up the ensuing fight. It’s such a typical display and feels like a balm to my shredded soul.
“Tell me all about it while I make these cookies.”
I blow out a breath, trying to figure out where to begin.
“Start at the very beginning,” she says, reading my mind in the way only a mother could, “leave nothing out.”
“Well, it all started last summer in Greece. The night after Con and Lilith got engaged, we were all pretty drunk and celebrating. Everyone went to sleep, but Claire and I stayed up awhile talking. We ended up kissing. It was very spontaneous, and to be honest, I had never thought of her like that before, but something flashed between us, and before I knew it, we were locked in an amazing kiss. A deckhand walked by and startled us, so we broke apart and went to our cabins.”
“I see…” she trails off as she scoops cookie dough onto a baking sheet.
“Nothing happened for the next six months or so; I didn’t even see or hear from her aside from the kidnapping. Then when we were together at Con and Lilith’s wedding in January, sparks started flying again. We both decided to give into it for one night. We spent the night together, and without going into cringe-worthy details, it was amazing. We connected physically on a level I’ve never experienced with anyone else.
“I couldn’t be with anyone else after that. I tried, but my interest in any other person just evaporated into thin air. It was like the only person who made any sense for me anymore was Claire. I never said anything to anyone else, obviously. I was thinking it would just be a one time thing, and eventually she’d be out of my system.”
Mom looks up at me with a look of skepticism all over her face.
“I know.” I hold my hands up in front of me.
She slides the cookies in the oven and pulls out the stool beside mine.
“Then a couple months ago, right when I moved back to the city, she came to the office one night needing a catch and kill.” I sit for a minute trying to figure out whether to tell her everything, it’s not my secret to tell, but I need to share it fill in all the gaps.
“What did she need the catch and kill for?”
“She was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis earlier this year.”
Mom gasps, flinching at this unexpected news, already putting everything together.
“She felt the sharks circling her at the dance company and wanted to land a principal position just once, before she has to stop dancing.” Despite being heartbroken, I’m still so proud of her that I smile when I say, “She got the lead role in the Midsummer Exhibition.”
“Good.” Mom pats my knee as she gets up to take the cookies out of the oven. “Continue on with how you’ve become entangled with her.”
“When she first came to me, she didn’t want to tell me the reason for the favor. I told her I wouldn’t do it
unless she told me what was going on, and after a bit of a stand-off, she gave in. She told me she didn’t want to tell her family about the diagnosis yet. I agreed but told her I wanted to see her regularly, just to keep an eye on her and provide a person she could talk to about it.”
“Oh yes, definitely just for her benefit, right? You weren’t searching for any excuse to spend time with her,” she says with a sassy eye roll.
I smile at her; she knows all my tricks. “So, we started having dinner together at a diner every Friday night unless I was out of town. Things snowballed from dinner to kissing to other stuff.”
“Sex.”
“Yeah, Mom. Sex,” I say deadpan.
She slides a couple hot cookies on a plate and puts it in front of me. Then she puts another sheet in the oven and sits back down beside me. “So,” she picks up one of the cookies and breaks it apart, a tendril of steam rising from the center, “you’re sleeping with your best friend’s little sister. And you’re keeping it a secret from him.”
“We were. He knows now.”
“Well, you’re intact, so it must have gone somewhat well.” She looks at me with concern. “Why so sad though? Why are you up here on Sunday afternoon instead of planning out the workweek in the city? And why are you still in your clothes from last night?”
“I stayed with Claire last night. When I was getting ready to leave, Con knocked on the door.”
“Ah, the jig was up.”
“Yep. Anyway, while I was telling Con I was in love with Claire, she was saying it was just sex and casual.”
“Oh no.”
“Yeah.”
“You love her?”
“So much it hurts,” I say with a nod.
“Do you think she thought it was just casual?”
I think about that for a minute. Could it have been just causal for her? “I don’t think so. Obviously, I could be wrong, but our connection felt deeper than that. It definitely always felt like we were on the same wavelength.”
Mom scratches her chin, a habit of hers when she’s thinking. “Can I tell you a story about Claire?”
I nod.
“One time I was picking Gwen up from the dance studio, she must have been in high school. I was waiting outside one of the empty rooms, and I could hear someone in there practicing alone. Over and over, doing the same moves. I poked my head in to see who it was, and there was Claire. She must have been ten or eleven.
“She couldn’t see me, but I stayed there, watching. She seemed upset; every once in a while, a tear would fall, and she’d wipe it away quickly with a look of disgust on her face,” she smiles ruefully at the memory. “She was trying to hit a combo with a turn at the end and every time she would miss, she’d say out loud, ‘if you’re not the best, you’re the worst.’
“My heart broke, right then. Imagine being that young and putting that much pressure on yourself. After hearing her tell herself that the third time, I stepped into the room and called her name.” She chuckles a little.
“I didn’t realize facial expressions could be genetic until I watched her face transform from young and sad and vulnerable to an exact match of Connor’s cold and defiant mask that he’s worn since birth. I mean, they might as well be one being poured into two bodies for how similar they can be.”
“Accurate assessment.”
“I asked if I could help her, if she was okay. Her response was to tell me she was fine, just working on cleaning up a piece. She wasn’t rude, but she wasn’t interested in having a heart-to-heart either. Gwen walked up just then, so we went home, and in the car Gwen said Claire had been working for hours. So much focus. So much passion. So much dedication.
“Imagine,” she continues, “how hard this time must be for her. I know you and she have become closer, but something to remember is that she spent four years alone at boarding school in Ireland. She’s probably used to relying on herself. I doubt she knows how to open up and be fully vulnerable for anyone.”
It’s a bit fucked that I didn’t think of that before. I was so focused on my feelings and trying to find a way to help her that I didn’t stop to let her be. The realization hits me that she’s been surrounded by fixers her whole life, no one who just sits with her in the experience. I should have held space for her in a way she’s never had before.
“That’s not to say you should just go barging back into her life,” Mom adds. “Maybe time apart will help you both gain clarity. Whether that’s a path forward together or not is anyone’s guess. I do want you to make sure you are keeping yourself as a priority though. She’s going through a lot, but don’t drown yourself keeping her afloat.”
“Yeah.” I sigh and blow out a breath.
“Now. Repairing your friendship with Connor should be your main focus. Obviously, keep watching out for Claire like you have been, specifically with the catch and kill, but Connor probably feels very betrayed.”
“He does. He tried to punch me as soon as he put everything together, but I blocked him and told him if we’re going to fight, it will be with words and not fists.”
“The fact that you were able to block and stop him is promising.”
“The girls were in the room, I’m sure he didn’t want to upset them.”
“Still. He’s not the most even tempered in the best of times, when emotions are high, he always goes with physical violence first.”
“I’ll figure everything out with him. Don’t worry.” I take a bite of a cookie and watch my nephews jumping off the diving board.
“How long are you going to stay?”
“I don’t know. A few days, maybe. I’m sure Gwen and Penelope can handle things without me.”
“That they can. You’re welcome to take any of the guest rooms or the pool house.”
17
CLAIRE
“Hop in, Squirt,” Levi says holding the door of his Range Rover open for me.
“Thanks,” I say as I climb in. “Sorry that you and Ivy ended up separated because of my drama.”
“No worries,” he says as he slides into the driver’s seat. “We’ll be alone together for two weeks so driving into the city separately isn’t even a thing.”
We drive for a while in silence, but I can tell he has something on his mind. I don’t offer conversations though; I’ll open up but only if he makes the first move. I watch the trees as we drive past, it’s crazy that this exists not too far from New York. Two totally different worlds a few hours apart.
I’m in the midst of wondering if I could move to a cabin out here after this summer. Going through the pros and cons of quitting the company on a high note, going out without telling anyone about my MS. Fading into obscurity.
“Can I ask you something?” Levi interrupts my musings.
“Sure.” I turn to look at him.
“Why don’t you want to be around the babies? You were so excited while Hoodrat was pregnant, and now you barely even look at them?” He glances over at me briefly.
“I found out the week they were born that I’m probably infertile.” I sigh and look out the window. “It’s common for women to struggle with infertility with MS, and I’ve never had regular cycles. I always thought it was from dance and having a strict diet, and it could be, but it could also be the MS.”
I turn and look at him. “I had two dreams for my life. To spend my twenties traveling the world and dancing was the first. The second was to have children. Both of those dreams were shattered,” I snap my fingers, “like that. One sentence. Thirty seconds to completely derail my life.”
“Fuck.” He puts his hand on mine and squeezes it for a second before letting go. “I’m sorry.”
“Thank you.” I shrug. “It is what it is. I just feel so lost, you know. I’m sitting here wondering what I’m going to do with my life now. I’m completely uninterested in working at VI.”
“Well, the good news is that you don’t have to work. You have enough money to live in whatever way you choose. You just have to find somethin
g else you’re passionate about and pour yourself into it. Like I did with the camp.”
“I’ve only ever been passionate about dance.”
“Well, silver linings, now you’ll have time to find something else, and you can still be passionate about dance. Just find a new way to keep doing what you love.”
It’s an interesting idea. I think about how he channeled his passion for sports into creating a camp for kids like the one he went to but making it accessible to all socio-economic levels. I wonder if I could do something like that for dance. Maybe open a studio or something.
“Speaking of love,” Levi once again interrupts my train of thought, “let’s talk about the other elephant in the room.”
Let’s not.
“I know that you and Griff weren’t just casually hooking up. I’ve known about the two of you for a while. He definitely wouldn’t risk his friendship with Con for anything short of deep feelings and love.”
“Levi -”
“No,” he interrupts me, “let me finish. I also know you, believe or not. I’ve known you your entire life, and I saw the looks you would share with him. I sure as fuck know about keeping your love a secret. I know you feel the same way he does, so why did you throw it all away like that? You broke his heart.”
“I did it for him.”
“How was that for his benefit?”
“I have maybe twenty-five years to live. Twenty is average after diagnosis with MS. I literally have an expiration date. My quality of life could change in a second, too. I’ll be in wheelchair eventually. Why would I sentence anyone to a life of sharing this burden with me?”
“Holy fuck, you are as bad as Con. If self-loathing and stubborn stupidity were an Olympic sport, you would take the gold medal.”
“Yeah, I do have a lot of self-loathing right now,” I snap at him. “My future is bleak, and I’m trying to come to terms with it realistically.”
“Listen to me,” he pulls over on the shoulder of the highway. He turns to face me, his broad shoulders filling my line of sight. “You don’t have an expiration date. You have a hurdle to clear. Is it going to be hard? Hell yes, it’ll down right suck sometimes, but giving in like this? It’s bullshit. You have a family who loves you, not just your parents and Con but Ives and me, Hoodrat, and Griff. The resources between all of us are infinite. Don’t throw it all to the side because you have to adjust your idea of what your life will look like.”
Surrender (The Titans of Founder's Ridge Book 3) Page 13