“Why did you come to me as Jacob? Explain to me, Lucian.” My voice warbled with uncertainty. My mind briefly thought about the blade I had stashed nearby in one of my bags. Maybe I should plunge it into Lucian’s chest and then mine, to put us both out of our misery. Even with that thought, I made no move to get it. My body again serving as traitor to my mind.
“I wanted to see if you’d accept the same thing I was offering but from someone else.” Lucian’s sculpted jaw flexed with anger. “And you did. Nothing was different, all the promises the same, and yet you took from a man that you barely know, what I’ve been offering to you for centuries.” He pinned me with furious blue eyes. “Why?”
A tear slipped from my eye. “Oh, Lucian, don’t you see, it wasn’t the same at all. With your promises comes a price I’m not willing to pay.”
“The apocalypse?”
“Yes,” I breathed.
Lucian smiled sadly while stroking my face. “I’m sorry I had to deceive you in that way. It really was the only way. My brother hunts me, wants me dead. You left me—” His hand formed into a fist, resting against my neck. “You left me. All is fair in love and war,” he growled, his wings whipping out behind him as he stood.
“Which do you care more about? The love or the war?” Had I become a means to an end after all these years, a means to start the apocalypse? Maybe no real love lingered for me in Lucian. Maybe it’d died a long time ago and all that was left was the need for possession, and to win the battle he’d been fighting for so long.
“It’s always been about you. My love for you. Everything I’ve done since my fall has been for you. How many times do I need to tell you that before you believe it?”
Tears leaked from the corners of my eyes, slowly trailing down towards my ears. Lucian stole one with his fingertip and brought it to his lips. “I don’t want to be the cause of the apocalypse.” I choked back a sob. “I thought I could have a normal life with Jacob. I want a normal life, Lucian. I want—”
Lucian raised his eyebrows and gazed at me sardonically. “Yes, it would have been so normal for a cop to look the other way, to help you in your little game of—”
“It’s not a game!” I screeched, pushing up against him as I tried to rise.
Lucian grabbed my wrists and slammed me back into the bed. “It’s all a game,” he snarled. “One that I stacked heavily in my favor. The lies were a means to an end. Not you. Yes, I can tell what you’re thinking.”
“Ha!” I scoffed. “You’re the great deceiver. I shouldn’t have expected any less. I can’t love you! I can’t—”
“You’re angry. I can understand your current emotions. They will pass.”
“No, they won’t! This is all ridiculous. We fell in love in a past life. I’m not Nyssa, my memories of love for you are just that, memories. I’m not the same person, I’m not the same at—”
“I fell in love with your soul.” Lucian’s voice was low and dangerous, his eyes narrowed with fury. “You are more than flesh and blood. If you would have been born a man in this life, it wouldn’t have mattered to me. Your essence, who and what you truly are, what makes you, you—that’s what I fell in love with. That will never change even though your body, and your mind has. The flesh is weak—the soul is immortal.” He tightened his grip on me and pressed his body heavily into mine. “Your soul recognizes me as its match. You were drawn to Jacob last night because of it. You wanted me even though you thought I was someone else. Your soul sensed me even hidden away the way it was. That should tell you all you need to know.”
“I still don’t understand any of it. First you say you became Jacob to see if I’d accept things from him that I wouldn’t you and then you say I was drawn to him at all because it was you the whole time.” I was overwhelmed, confused, and wondering if I’d ever make sense of any of it.
Lucian’s expression softened. “Sometimes I forget that it’s hard for your human mind to grasp the things that I do.”
“That’s bullshit. You’re making excuses for your double talk.”
“No. It all makes sense if you think about it.” The corner of Lucian’s mouth tipped up as he regarded me.
My nostrils flared with agitation. “Tell me what you did to Jacob. I don’t know why but I need to know.” Maybe it was merely morbid curiosity, or maybe it was because I felt responsible for the death of a decent man. I didn’t kill good people, directly or indirectly, at least until now. I’d known from the beginning that getting involved with Jacob would end badly for him. It was my fault he was dead.
“Please, Lucian, I need to know.” I shook with anxiety.
Without a word, Lucian pulled me to him and I was swallowed by darkness.
32
I stood in Jacob’s apartment, watching like some kind of ghost, as he stripped off his Pittsburgh Police uniform.
Lucian appeared in front of him. “Jacob Moretti,” he purred. “I’ve come to collect a debt.”
Jacob stared, his face paler than it had been a few moments before. I could tell he was struggling to move, but he was frozen in place. “Who and what the fuck are you?”
Lucian approached him slowly, like a lion stalking his prey. “You have something that I want.” He ran his long elegant fingers over Jacob’s bare chest. “Something inside of you is telling you that she’s yours, but she’s not. She never will be.” He tapped his pectoral muscle. “You should have stayed away.” He grabbed Jacob’s head and pulled him closer. The two of them were so close it looked as if they could kiss.
“It’s her, isn’t it? Tiffany? You’re here because of her.” He swallowed, his Adam’s apple dancing up and down in his throat. “I can see why you love her. I—yeah—I guess there’s no point in lying—I could love her too. I think I already do.”
Lucian’s lips pulled back from his teeth. “Some think she was meant for you. It’s why I let it go before, I wanted to know—I had to see. But her soul already belongs to me. She wouldn’t choose you in the end. I’m saving you the pain of heartbreak.”
Jacob’s eyes widened and his large hands covered Lucian’s. “You mean she’s my soul mate?”
“No,” Lucian growled. “She’s mine.”
He pressed his lips to Jacob’s and the two men, for all appearances, seemed to be locked in an erotic embrace. Lucian’s wings appeared, stretching out as far as my eyes could see and then curled around Jacob. The air shimmered like heat coming off asphalt on a hot summer day. Jacob groaned, the sound orgasmic in nature… And then they merged. Lucian stepped into Jacob and Jacob slumped to the ground. I could no longer see Lucian. Jacob’s eyes snapped open and I saw the truth in them. There was no more Jacob, only Lucian. A wide smile stretched across his face and he winked in my direction, as if he somehow knew I’d be watching this one day.
“And now I know,” I murmured to myself as I was swept back into the dark abyss of nothingness.
I was beneath Lucian’s strong body again, back in the massive bed I’d been in several times before—in Hell. I didn’t know what to think or feel. I was numb to everything. “He was my soul mate, wasn’t he? He was the one Michael said I was meant for?”
Lucian’s entire continence darkened. “I am your soul mate.”
Ignoring Lucian’s anger, I pushed on. “It’s why I wanted him at all. It’s why he kept popping up around me. He was drawn to me. I could feel it. I was drawn to him a little too. But it was nothing compared to you. You would have killed him no matter what I did. But—you—” I knew what had happened from knowledge I’d garnered from when I’d been an angel. Lucian hadn’t merely killed Jacob, he’d destroyed his soul. Completely obliterated it. Burned it up from the inside out.
“I knew who you were interested in from the beginning. I thought I could handle it because I was sure of how it would play out. I’ve always known who he was.” His hands fisted in my hair but quickly loosened. “None of it matters now.”
I’d been in way over my head with him from the beginning. He was the
master manipulator. He would have had to be ten steps ahead of everyone, even Michael, to have done all he’d done. He’d played me and everyone else for fools. Now I was exactly where he wanted me and there wasn’t a damn thing I could do about it. And there I was still wanting more answers to questions I should never have to ask.
“If you’re so confident we belong together then why would you kill him? And not just kill him but destroy his soul completely?” Because of me—because of my involvement with him—Jacob was gone, completely destroyed. I choked back the bitter bile that rose up in my throat. I didn’t have time for the guilt now.
“Enough questions. I’ve explained all I will for now.” Shackles appeared on my wrists and ankles, stretching me and straining my muscles to their limit. “I’m sorry for the pain you will endure, my Karma. But I won’t lose you again. The suffering will be short, the reward unmeasurable. We have now entered into the final steps of my plan.”
“What do you mean?” I squirmed, trying not to panic. “And why do you keep calling me my Karma?” It’d always felt like it was more than just because it was my stage name when I danced. I’d wondered before but never quite got around to asking. There had always been more pressing questions to be asked. In that moment, this one seemed the most important of all for some reason.
Lucian bent over me, brushing his warm lips against my forehead. “Because you are my karma, just as I am yours.”
And now I understood that too. We were both exactly what each other deserved. I hated admitting it to myself, but it was the truth. I knew it in my soul. Just like I knew that no matter how much I tried to deny it and fight it, yes, I loved Lucian. I just didn’t want to love him because I was afraid what it would mean for the rest of the world. And I was afraid what it would ultimately mean for me. Maybe I’d picked the name Karma for more than one reason. I just hadn’t realized it at the time. “Lucian, I—”
“Shhh…no more talk.” He abruptly turned from me, his muscles tensing. “I’m sorry for what must happen next. Just remember that I do it all out of love, so we can be together…forever.”
“Lucian, stop, no! I thought you wanted me to choose you—I thought—”
He grabbed me by the chin, his lips curling away from his teeth menacingly. “I’ve waited far too long. I’ve done everything in my power to make you happy. But after you handed yourself over to Jacob last night—”
“He was you—you were him. You said it yourself—” Lucian’s lips crashed down over mine, his tongue plunging into my mouth to steal my words. When he pulled away his eyes blazed with a half-crazed sheen to them. Fear coursed through my system. Had I finally pushed Lucian too far? Could a fallen angel actually lose his mind? Was some of his double talk not a game after all, but the fragmented thoughts of someone lost in their own haze of insanity? “It’s time I take from you what you’re too afraid to freely offer. You’re mine, and I will have you.” He backed away from me slowly. “I will let you out of these chains only when you admit that you belong to me and you promise to never run from me again.” With that he disappeared.
33
My mind sifted through my encounters of Lucian throughout my lifetimes. Things always ended bloody. He’d seduce me and when I remembered who he really was, I’d take my own life so I could be reborn again. My life as Tiffany aka Karma had been the turning point, I’d already realized that, but only now was it fully sinking in. It didn’t matter that Lucian had made sure I’d ended up in foster care, I’d been the one who’d chosen to take the dark path. I’d freely chosen to become judge and jury for those I felt deserved my attention. I was just as depraved as Lucian. If not for the apocalypse, I would have already willingly settled into a life with him. Lucian was my poison, my unavoidable destiny. Or my Karma, just as he had claimed. We were two peas in a pod—a broken and twisted matched set.
But Lucian had been highhanded in his relentless pursuit of me. It was both flattering and disturbing. I’d come to the realization that Lucian didn’t know how to love, so I supposed I could forgive him for everything, even all of his seemingly endless duplicitous games. Okay, well, every thing except not wanting to walk away from starting the apocalypse. I wasn’t sure what it all entailed, or how any of it worked, but I did know that if it wasn’t possible for him to walk away from it, Lucian would have hid behind that reason for his defense. Instead he’d flat out refused which was the cause of our battle of wills.
Lucian sat naked beside me in bed. He’d just fed me, and using more willpower than I thought any one person could possess, I resisted his sexual advances. Lucian was still astonished. I think he was hoping if he waited long enough I’d be overcome with my desire for him and I’d beg for him to take me. The longer he stayed beside me the more that became a very real possibility. Which was why I was going to piss him off so he’d leave me in peace to rot in my shackles.
“Lucian,” I purred.
He glanced at me from the corners of his eyes without turning his head. “Yes?”
“You’re right. I can’t resist you anymore.”
Lucian smirked while still staring straight ahead. “Oh?”
“Yes, but I thought maybe we could try something different this time.” He tilted his head with curiosity. I tried not to smile. “You can still look like Jacob, right? I mean—you could be him?”
Lucian’s smirk dropped into a scowl. “What game are you playing at? Why would you want to know if I could be Jacob?”
“I know. It’s just—I miss him.” A sudden wave of sorrow washed over me as I realized it was true. I knew on an intellectual level that Jacob had been Lucian, but when he’d been playing at being Jacob he’d been nicer to me. Or at least it’d felt that way. Jacob felt like a partner, and Lucian felt like he was always trying to control me.
“You can’t miss him. He was—is me. And I’m right here.”
“Even though it was for such a short time… Things just felt different between us when I thought you were Jacob. I miss the way things were. I miss feeling like it was us against the world. I thought I could trust him.”
Genuine confusion played through Lucian’s cerulean depths. “A short time? It was one night. You would choose the mere promise of a normal life over this one?”
“Yes. I would.”
Lucian’s eyes narrowed. “You didn’t love him when it wasn’t me, it was only sex between the two of you.”
It was a statement not a question but I answered anyways. “No, I didn’t love him—his soul. I loved you, but how you were with me. Not now. I hate how you’ve been treating me—how you’ve always treated me since I stopped being Nyssa.”
“Because of the apocalypse?”
“Yes.”
He growled low under his breath and disappeared without another word.
I blinked back the tears that threatened to spill from my eyes. If only Lucian could be more like how he was when he was pretending to be Jacob. Lucian and I could still punish people, but without the need of a brand new world. I didn’t want to cause some kind of Hell on Earth. I just wanted to love Lucian and to be loved by him. He wasn’t making it very easy though.
I spent what felt like several days, shackled to Lucian’s bed, locked in a war of wills with him. I wasn’t sure if I dared to hope that because the apocalypse hadn’t started yet that I maybe still had time to stop it. Lucian was more irritable every time I saw him. He dutifully saw to my needs like food, water, and bathroom, but the tension between us was off the charts. Conversation had come to a halt; both of us had nothing else to say to the other until someone broke. It wouldn’t be me.
“Does it really mean so much to you?” Lucian asked hesitantly after another meal.
“Yes.” I didn’t need to ask what he was referring to. I nibbled my bottom lip, hope flaring to life within me.
“Then I’m sorry I have to disappoint you in this. I’ll make it up to you.”
My chest tightened and my mouth went slack. “Lucian, please. You can’t.”
; “It might as well be a done deal. I won’t stop it. You’ll understand one day.”
“No, I won’t,” I whispered after he was gone. “I’ll never understand.”
That night, or day, I wasn’t really sure which, after I woke up from a fitful slumber, I found my wrists and ankles had been unshackled. I wasn’t sure if Lucian had returned while I was sleeping or it had been someone else. I didn’t care. I was determined to take advantage of the opportunity to obtain my freedom. I would run…again.
My plan suddenly changed the moment my gaze landed on it—the blade I’d stolen from Mrs. McAuthor. It’s intricate detailing fairly glowed when I touched it. “How did you get here?” I murmured, almost mesmerized. I met my reflection in one of the mirrors on the wall. I knew what I had to do. Lucian had left me with no other choice.
34
I wasn’t sure how long I waited… minutes, hours, days? It felt like an eternity to me. My fingers began to go numb from clutching that damn blade. I silently prayed that I’d have the strength to go through with my plan.
“How did you get out of your restraints?” Lucian growled as soon as he saw me sitting on the end of the bed. He loomed over me, his face drawn into fierce lines and his midnight wings curling ominously.
“I’m not sure,” I said, tilting my head back so I could meet his gaze. “I woke up and they were just…gone.”
He narrowed his eyes at me. “Unless you’ve been praying or conjuring assistance again, then no one but me can enter this room. There’s no point in lying to me about something so trivial.”
I slid the knife out from behind me, brandishing it. “This was here too.”
Lucian’s entire body tensed, his breath caught in his throat. He gasped for air as if emerging from underwater. “No. Don’t even think about doing it again. I can’t—I can’t wait any longer.” His hand raised as if reaching for me but he didn’t make a move in my direction. “I refuse to wait for you to be reborn so we have to go through all of this again. Don’t you see—we’re inevitable. Stop fighting it—us.”
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