by Sue Watson
‘You’re early,’ Emma said quietly, as she looked up. ‘Madam’s only just had her bath, she’s been full-on tonight.’
I laughed, ‘I can imagine.’ I sat down on the nearby easy chair, ‘What’s this?’ I gestured towards the screen. I wanted to sit and stare at it – I didn’t want to talk about what had just happened, I wasn’t quite sure myself.
‘Oh, some rubbish film. You know they’ll end up together in the end – they always do, don’t they?’
‘Not always,’ I sighed, gazing at the two beautiful faces onscreen.
‘So… did you finish it?’ she asked, turning from the screen to look at me.
Christ, how the hell had she picked up on this? She must be psychic.
‘It’s not that easy… I need time.’
‘What? I thought it was due in yesterday?’
I looked puzzled – all I could think about was Dan getting on that plane and whether or not I’d be with him.
‘F. Scott Fitzgerald?’ she said, smiling and looking at me like I was mad.
‘Oh… you meant the essay?’
‘Yes, what else would I mean?’ Then she sat up on the sofa. ‘Why, what did you mean? Mum?’
‘Oh, love, I’m all over the place, sorry. It’s Dan, his brother’s ill – he’s going back to Australia,’ I blurted. It was out there – no point in keeping this to myself, burying it inside and pretending it wasn’t happening.
‘Oh, Mum, no!’
‘It’s fine, nothing to worry about,’ I smiled. I didn’t want to worry Emma, she had enough to cope with as a single mum with a demanding job.
‘But you said he was going back to Australia? That sounds like something to worry about.’
‘Oh, it’s just life – I think a cup of tea will help,’ I said, trying to make light of it.
I went into the kitchen and made us both a cup of tea, which I needed, but I also had to compose myself: Emma’s concern was likely to make me cry and I couldn’t lay that on her. Returning with two steaming mugs, I saw my girls together on the sofa and felt that familiar pull. How lucky I was to be able to spend this time with them. So many kids go off to other cities, get married and move away. Their parents had to make do with a phone call and a visit every other Christmas as they watched their grandchildren grow up from afar, but Emma had accepted the job here, in the town she was born, knowing I’d be there to look after Rosie. Dan’s situation had come out of the blue and I needed time and space to think – but my mind fizzed with sadness.
I loved him so much I couldn’t help but flirt with the idea of running away with him. What if, against all the odds, there was a way we could be together? What if Emma and Rosie could come with us? They could start a new life there too. The prospect of a new life in a new country with beaches and sunshine, a healthier lifestyle, it wasn’t unthinkable, was it? In fact, it was a fantasy for most people. There would be a job out there for Emma, surely, and Rosie would love exploring a new place, making friends, swimming every day and living in sunshine. Perhaps it could work?
I was soon shaken from my reverie at the sound of Rosie waking up on the sofa.
‘Time for bed, sweetie,’ Emma was saying, but she seemed distracted, trying to do something on her phone. Poor Emma, she worked so hard, sending and receiving emails at all times of the day and night, dealing with problems.
‘I’ll take her up to bed,’ I said, picking Rosie up and holding her little warm body close to mine. She was sleepy, but given any kind of attention she would soon be wide awake and ready for another round of hide-and-seek, which she loved.
‘Nan, where’s Dam?’ she said sleepily as I carried her into her bedroom.
‘He’s in his house, probably asleep like you’re going to be,’ I smiled, laying her down and gently covering her up with the pink princess duvet.
‘Will his nan read him a bedtime stowy?’ she asked, which was Rosie’s subtle way of asking for one.
‘No… Probably not,’ I giggled, ‘but I’ll read one to you if you like?’
She patted my hand, her eyes barely able to stay open. ‘Oh, that’s a good girl,’ she sighed, and waited for the ‘once upon a time’.
Even before the ‘happy ever after’, Rosie was asleep, and I quietly left her to dream of princesses in pink palaces and padded to my room, my sanctuary, to consider all that had happened. I hadn’t told Emma about Dan’s proposal – I wanted to think about it all before I talked it through with anyone else. I had twenty-four hours to think about it and I knew I’d be mulling it over for every one of those hours. That night I lay awake in bed considering all the options. Was there a way I could be with my family and marry Dan? Ever the optimist, I hoped this was like a crossword clue you think you’ll never get, then suddenly the word appears and you wonder why you didn’t think of it in the first place. But right now it felt like my whole life was the crossword clue – stuck between a rock and a hard place – and there was no answer.
*
‘Do you fancy Australia then?’ I said to Emma the following morning over toast and marmalade. I hadn’t slept and waited until I heard her get up to rush downstairs before Rosie and just sound her out. I tried to keep it light-hearted, pretending it was a joke to see her reaction, knowing she’d think I was as mad as I’d thought Dan was by merely suggesting such a move.
‘Australia? Oh God, no! All those creepie-crawlies… and the heat. I don’t envy Dan having to go back there.’
This wasn’t the answer I’d been hoping for.
‘Oh, I don’t know… There are beaches, year-round sunshine?’
‘Nah, wouldn’t be my scene,’ she said, sipping her tea. ‘I’d miss home too much.’ She hadn’t taken this seriously, but her gut reaction was enough.
‘So you’d never consider moving to another country, even in the future?’
She looked at me. ‘No way!’ she said. ‘What about you?’
‘I don’t know… I’d always liked the idea of living somewhere else, a fresh perspective on life, you know?’
She nodded. ‘I think you’re more adventurous than me, Mum. I just manage to keep body and soul together here – I wouldn’t move it all across an ocean.’
She put down her mug, reached out her hand.
‘Are you tempted to go with Dan?’
‘No… Well, I don’t know, it’s such a big thing – I can’t leave you and Rosie.’
‘But I don’t want you to stay here because of us, especially if being apart from Dan makes you unhappy. Has he asked you to go with him?’
‘Yes. Actually, he’s asked me to marry him.’ I was no longer able to keep this in my chest, where it had fluttered all night.
She gasped and clapped her hands together. ‘Then what in the hell are we doing sitting here, why aren’t we choosing dresses?’
‘Because I don’t want to leave here and live in Australia,’ I said, almost in tears. ‘I can’t leave you and Rosie and…’
‘But it would only be for a while – I can find a childminder for a few months until you’re back.’
‘No, he’s not just going back home for a while, he’s staying.’
‘For good?’ she asked, more uncertainly this time.
‘For good.’
‘Oh… How would that work?’ she said, sitting back, like she’d just been pushed.
‘It wouldn’t,’ I said, and put on my best smile.
‘Just because of me and Rosie?’ She screwed up her eyes. ‘Because we would miss you, of course, but I don’t expect you to give him up again, not for us… If you want to go there and be with Dan, you really should.’
I wasn’t sure if she meant this or if she was simply trying not to stand in my way, which I suspected was the case.
‘I don’t… This isn’t about you, it’s about me,’ I heard myself lie.
‘Really? You don’t want to go and live by the sea in another country with the man you love? You said yourself, there are beaches and sunshine and you’ve always wanted to see Austr
alia.’
‘Yes, but I don’t want to live there – not yet. And it’s not just about you and Rosie, I have my course, a job, I’ve built my life here,’ I said, feeling rather empty, knowing it wouldn’t be the same life without Dan in it. ‘It just doesn’t feel right to walk away from it all now.’
The pull to be with him was as strong as the pull to stay with Emma, and I knew whatever I decided to do, someone would have to be hurt.
Later that morning I called Dan and told him I wanted to come and see him.
‘I still haven’t bought my ticket,’ he said, hope in his voice.
‘And I still haven’t made my decision,’ I replied.
7
A Surfboard in the Kitchen and a Selfie in Venice
‘I don’t want this to be any more difficult for you than it already is,’ Dan said when I arrived at his flat over the deli. He was standing in his little kitchen crammed with pots and pans and clippings of recipes littered the table. A surfboard was propped against a fridge covered with a million photos and magnets – the story of his life scattered over aluminium. Dan had been, and always would be, in Australia in his head. It was part of who he was and I’d been selfish to ever think that life here with me and the deli would be enough for him. My heart lurched, seeing the photos of us together, sipping cocktails in Santorini, a selfie in Venice on the Bridge of Sighs, eating spaghetti in Rome. The narrative of our lives, of our love, for everyone to see – he was proud of me, proud of us and I was lucky to have him. And now the ultimate confirmation of our love, the story of the proposal, was waiting for its ending.
Dan made coffee and we sat facing each other at the kitchen table, both unwilling to say anything, and change everything.
‘So,’ he said, eventually, ‘I’m not always good on picking up cues, but I guess the answer’s no?’
I looked at him with a pained expression. It was agony to even think it, but we both knew my answer.
‘I can’t say it.’
‘It’s okay, you don’t have to. It was a big ask… and looking in your eyes I can see it’s a no.’ I saw his hurt as he looked at me, moving the hair from my face, stroking my cheek. ‘But for what it’s worth, I think you’re making a mistake. You already said goodbye to me once before to come back here when you left me in Santorini and our lives were put on hold – you can’t do this again. To you or me.’
‘I don’t expect you to put your life on hold, Dan,’ I said, frustrated that he thought it was merely my choice for things to be this way. Couldn’t he see I had no choice?
‘I’m sorry, it just feels like I always get the raw end of the deal. We are good together, you and me, and our summer in Santorini was the best time of my life, but Emma was pregnant and you had to leave to be with her… I understood and, as painful as it was, I let you go. I’ve always gone along with your plans, whatever fits in with your life. I’ve always wanted to go home to Oz, but I stayed here with you. Stupidly, I thought it might be time for you to come with me. When is it my turn, Faye?’
I was shocked at this outburst. ‘I didn’t realise you felt like that.’
He shook his head. ‘I’m sorry, most of the time it’s okay, I want to be with you and I don’t mind that we’re here because it makes you happy. But the one time… the one time I need you there for me, you won’t be.’
‘I’ve always been there for you. Always will be here for you, love you, but my family has to come first… If you had a child you’d understand how hard this is.’ I felt hurt at his accusation, and that hurt was fizzing into anger. ‘You’re the one who wanted to be free, Dan. You’re the one who left Australia because you couldn’t bear the memories. I never forced you to come here, you could have stayed in Santorini.’
‘Without you?’
‘Yes, without me. You’re going away to live somewhere without me now.’
‘But that’s because I have to… and because you won’t leave your daughter, who’s twenty-five!’ He almost shouted this; I’d never seen him quite so angry.
‘I’m staying here because Emma is relying on me… A year or two down the line, things might be different.’ In all honesty I didn’t expect anything to be different – Rosie would still only be five and I doubted I’d be any more likely to walk away then – but I just didn’t want this to be the end. Even though it was looking that way.
‘Well, I can’t wait for a year or two… or three… because my brother is dying now,’ he hissed. ‘And I’m sorry if it isn’t convenient, if his illness doesn’t fit in with your life plan, Faye.’
I must have looked shocked – this wasn’t like him. Tears sprang to my eyes and I could see immediately that he felt bad.
‘I’m sorry… I just thought that you might be ready to put us first. I know it’s not an ideal time for you, but Emma’s perfectly capable.’ He ran his hands through his hair; he seemed exasperated and looked so tired.
‘It sounds easy, doesn’t it? But it isn’t… You’ve never been a parent, you’ve no idea what it’s like,’ I snapped, tired and exasperated by all this.
‘I know what it’s like to have to go to my dying brother alone, without any support from my partner.’
His words were razor-sharp, but I knew this was his sadness talking, and I didn’t want our final memories to be like this, so I touched his arm, ‘Let’s not fall out, we don’t have long left together.’
I understood his hurt and resentment, but it wasn’t just about me and Dan, it was about the way our lives entwined with other lives, like branches in an oak tree. And how could we extricate ourselves from all of that?
He turned on his phone. ‘I have to book my ticket,’ he said. ‘I guess it’s just one. Single?’ He looked at me, but I didn’t answer and waited for him to go back to his phone and he clicked away, booking a return to his old life, and all that sunshine and pain.
‘I can get one first thing in the morning. I’d need to leave here about six, but it’s cheaper than a later one – quicker too,’ he said, scrolling through his phone.
‘Okay, go for it,’ I said softly, knowing it would all be settled within minutes, that this would be goodbye.
I waited for him to say something, but he didn’t, he just sat scrolling on his phone, and I felt like he’d already gone.
When he finished, he looked up at me and I could see my own despair reflected back at me. But if this was the end of our story I had to remember him in a good way, and see him smile one last time.
‘I don’t want our final few hours together to be sad – we’re a happy couple, let’s be happy until we can’t do it anymore?’ I asked. ‘Please?’
‘I’m sorry, I kinda thought you might just change your mind.’
I shook my head.
‘Faye, at some point, you’re going to have to let Emma go and live her life so you can live yours.’
I didn’t respond, but it struck a chord and, rationally, I knew he was probably right. But I kept thinking of Rosie’s little face when we baked together, her excitement at simply watching TV with me, going to the park, playing with her teddies – and my heart just couldn’t say yes, because it would also mean saying goodbye to my granddaughter.
‘You’re right, let’s not be sad,’ he said suddenly, standing up from the table and walking into the bedroom. I could see him through the open door as he picked up his rucksack and threw it off the bed into the doorway. ‘Let’s not talk about it anymore,’ he said, ‘let’s just have fun until the plane leaves.’ He walked back into the kitchen towards me, his arms outstretched and I stumbled into them, trying not to hear his words replay over in my mind ‘until the plane leaves’. Tomorrow, he would be gone and I knew my heart would break into a million pieces, but right now I needed to make one last memory to hold onto.
‘Sounds good to me,’ I mumbled between our kisses, now more intense than ever.
He carried me into the bedroom, like a groom carrying his bride over the threshold, and I was aware of his physical strength as he held me. I
t made me wonder what being married to Dan would be like, to have that first night, the rest of our lives together stretching before us.
He was so sure of what he wanted, and I lay back as he kissed my breasts, moving down my body slowly, sensuously. This would be the last time between us, and knowing this somehow made the pleasure more intense even as I fought back the tears. I wanted him inside me as he moved back up my body and I let him in. We were soon damp with sweat as we rolled around on the sheets, my legs wrapped around his back, holding him inside as he thrust into me. I never wanted this to end and as we gazed into each other’s eyes, fireworks were exploding around us and I gasped, clutching him even closer. I would take this moment and hold it to my heart forever.
Afterwards, the air was charged with pain as we lay side by side. There was now a physical separation, neither of us touching the other for fear of hurting or being hurt. As if we weren’t already broken.
‘What shall we do then?’ his voice sliced into the silence, the lovely Aussie sunshine now dimmed. ‘I mean, should we stay in touch, will you come out to see me?’
I shook my head, tears filling my eyes. Oh God, how I wished that might be possible, that I could hear his voice every now and then, go out and visit him, but it was no good.
‘I don’t think that would work. We’d see each other a couple of times a year at best, and that’s not a relationship.’ I smiled, and touched his cheek and he took my hand, holding it to him as he closed his eyes.
As dusk shrouded the bedroom, I watched him sleeping, taking in every centimetre of his face. I needed a close-up to keep in my head for the rest of my life. It would be all I had left of him, of this time, of us, and I hoped remembering what we’d had would be enough. What Dan and I had was special – some people live a lifetime and never have that connection and if this was all I’d ever have, then I was lucky. I’d let him go to live his life, while I stayed here with mine. And it occurred to me as I lay in the dimming light, fresh tears cool on my cheeks, that I’d probably never love like this again.