Heaven’s gaze lands on me. “Oh great, you’re here already, Jun.” She gestures to the man next to her. “This is a friend of mine from Pua’alowhe, Dr. Chandra. He’s a chi specialist.”
Dr. Chandra puts up a hand. “Eh. Only call me Chandra. No like formalities, moalu.” His voice is baritone-low and mellow like the under notes of a rich bass. He puts his briefcase down and nods to me. “You have problem with magic, whe?”
I nod. “I can use it, but not sustain it.”
“Hmm. Do you have problem with heart?” He taps his chest. “Or blood circulation? Illness perhaps?”
I shake my head.
Chandra rubs the bridge of his nose with a finger. “Then probably not health issue. But just in case, hold out arms in front of you.” His hands glow a bright blue. “I will check for chi blockage and imbalance.”
I do as he says. He holds one of my arms with a furnace hot hand while he slides two fingers down the underside of my arms. Chandra closes his eyes and angles his squarish head toward my arm as if listening. “Mmm. I think I know problem.” He smiles at me. “No worry. Nothing wrong. Just better suited to being wayfinder.”
“A wayfinder?” I echo.
“It’s an old style of magic,” Heaven says. “It’s mostly used to help earth-bound spirits to pass into their afterlife. But it’s a stricter technique than normal magic. That’s probably why you couldn’t use your magic for long last time we tried.”
“Wait hold on… but what if I need to defend myself against real people?” I ask.
“No problem. You can still use,” Chandra says. “But mind must be in different place.” He glances at Heaven. “Mele knows. She is wayfinder.”
“I’m a little different because I can switch between different styles of magic,” Heaven says. “But wayfinding is harder because it heavily relies on empathy and being fully open emotionally. If there’s some part of your soul that’s holding back, or holding onto unresolved conflicts, it’s almost impossible to get even simple spells going properly.”
My muscles lock like a bull standing firm, adamant on not giving up one more step. All this is starting to sound like a therapy session, and that I don’t care for. I’ve always felt therapy was for those hapless souls who just don’t know how to suck up their problems, or want a soapbox where they can whine their life story. And even if I did want therapy, there’s no time for that bullshit. Shig’s a hostage. CRISIS-D is out there somewhere. Megumi’s missing and Mai is on the run. “How am I even supposed to do that? It’s not like I know every single thing I left unresolved in my life. That sounds like it could take years.”
Chandra shakes his head. “No need to know everything. Just need to make sure big channels are clear of problem.”
Heaven nods to his words. “He’s right. You only need to make you’re okay with yourself and all of your vulnerabilities. We can help with that, if you don’t know how to do it.”
I don’t want any of that. Just the notion of being vulnerable makes me feel think of being a turtle stuck on its back, struggling to get on it’s stubby feet, open to everything that can kill it. But at this point, what’s my other choices? Go home and look stupid? Walk into CRISIS-D’s headquarters someday and not be able to do jackshit? I fold my arms. “What do I have to do?”
“You don’t have to say anything if you don’t want to. We’re not going to make you confess your deepest darkest secrets. I’ll just ask for you to recall or think about things and if there’s any blockage or unresolved in your body, we’ll assist in pulling it out. Now I will warn you…” Heaven says, raising both index fingers. “It’s not a fun process. You’re going to feel a lot of pain. And if you resist treatment it only gets more painful and harder for us to get rid of the blocks.”
Pinpricks surge through my skin. “But it won’t do anything permanently bad to me, right?”
“Of course not,” Chandra says. “You get through it and you will feel like free bird.” He makes a high-pitched twittering whistle and smiles.
“Think of it as training for wayfinding,” Heaven says. “If you can get through this then wayfinding is easy. And normal magic is easier than that.”
I steel my nerves with a deep breath. “Alright. I’m in. Let’s get this over with.”
Chandra spreads his arms wide. “Hold arms like this. And do feet wide apart too.”
“Close your eyes too,” Heaven adds.
I follow their instructions. Afterwards I hear their footsteps shuffling around me. Then I feel Chandra and Heaven lightly grip each arm.
“Clear mind of everything,” Chandra says. “Focus only on breath and the way it feels in your stomach. Maybe on any other sensation in body you notice. If mind wanders, just bring focus back to breath.”
That sounds like meditation. What does this have to do with magic? I deepen my breaths, letting my lungs and stomach fill to their fullest before releasing each breath.
“Now I’m going to ask questions. Remember that you don’t have to answer them aloud,” Heaven says. “But this is where you may start feeling pain and discomfort. Try to keep in mind that none of this pain is life-threatening, and it’s necessary to feel it in order for it to work its way out of your system. It can’t hurt you physically. If you keep breathing the way you are, and relax through it, it won’t hurt that much. You might even start feeling like you’re drifting out of your body. Just remember that it’s normal, and that everything is under control. Is that clear?”
Drifting out of my body? Is it too late to back out? “Yes.”
“I want you to picture yourself. Who do you think you are? Who do you think that others think you are?”
The question isn’t accusing, yet even still I can’t help but feel like I’m under fire. Other people’s ideas about me are easy. To Megumi, I’m her best friend. To the Geisha, I’m the Hound. To Regi, I’m his fiancé. To Shig, I’m his friend and work partner. To King, I’m the weird-smelling not-dog thing that gives him food. To Vampire, I’m some incompetent bitch. To Mr. And Mrs. Beauregard, I’m a new member of their family. To Kyo, I’m Meimei-chan. To Tammy, I’m probably the liability she never wanted, but loves regardless. To Mai, I’m the daughter she never had.
But to me? What am I to me? I’ve never thought about that. I know I’m a twenty year old half Pua Moana girl, but I’ve never liked that bit. I’m probably the only soul besides Regi that knows I’m ginger under my brown hair, but gods there’s no way in hell I’d ever let the world see that. I’m a former assassin. I’m iSoFly of the iSo team. I’m an orphan. I’m a kitsune. I’m half-Tokaiden, but no one ever seems to acknow—
Without warning, a hot pinch slices through the undersides of my arms.
What the—? My breaths catch.
“It’s okay. I know it hurts,” Heaven’s voice drifts into my ear. “Just keep breathing. Just keep thinking about the question. We’re getting that pain out of you.”
Oh good. Thank goodness. I grapple to get my breaths back to the right pace. It started as soon as I started thinking about being half-Tokaiden. Does that mean that’s the problem?
Both Heaven and Chandra put two fingers at my wrist and then slide them up. The fiery pain crawls with their motion until finally it knife its way into my chest. I can’t take a breath without feeling like a blade is stuck in my throat. A surge of nausea kicks into my stomach. I want to gag so badly but can’t.
And then it disappears like it was never there. I gulp in another breath and this time the air feels icy and energizing as if I’d been breathing wrong all these years and only now getting true fresh air.
“How do you feel now?” Chandra asks.
“Better. I thought I was going to vomit,” I say. “Is that normal?”
“Yes.” Heaven says. “In a way, we’re purging your body of all the mental and emotional toxins you might have. It’s like putting your body through a really fast drug withdrawal.”
Chandra pats my shoulder. “You handle first round like champion. Ready for
next?”
I stare at him in open-mouthed horror. “There’s more of this?”
“It’s not that much more, Jun,” Heaven says. “Don’t worry. I think we only need to do two more rounds so you’re ready for wayfinding. Close your eyes again.”
This time I hesitate, but I do it anyway.
“Now that we’ve done the self, we move to worry,” Chandra says. “Try thinking of all worry you have. Big worry, small worry. Anything. Give yourself time to think about them. Is okay here.”
That’s what you say, but is it going to hurt more if the worries are bigger? I remind myself that this is supposed to be a helping session and try to think. For a moment, nothing seems to be trickling in. But then I start thinking of Shig and Megumi. If I’ll ever see them again. Mai and if she’s okay. The worries dart in and out, much to my surprise, without any pain. I get brave enough to try more. CRISIS-D? Returning my issued gun. The Geisha. Nothing for those either.
Are they not big enough? My mind flits at once to something less dramatic: Regi, my looming marriage, fitting in with the Beauregards. I’m unprepared for the raw jolt that sears through my limbs, rattling me to the bone. My ears ring and pop. I clench my teeth. I can’t feel Heaven or Chandra touching me anymore. I can’t even open my eyes. I feel like I’m trapped within this blackness in my own body and there’s no way out. I try moving, struggling. But all my senses are dim and diluted as if I’m a helpless baby again.
The jolt goes away as quick as it came. My eyes fly open. My knees shake and crumble. Heaven and Chandra have to pull me back up. All I can do is gasp. “Wha-wha…?”
Chandra whistles. “That one was big one.”
I finally find my voice again. “Why?”
Heaven blinks. “Why what?”
“The things I think that are bothering me didn’t even hurt, but the things that I don’t think that bother me do. It doesn’t make any sense.”
“But we never notice when we start lying to ourselves, until we get told to pay attention to what we believe.” Heaven says.
“Is it normal for small things to hurt the most?” I ask.
Chandra and Heaven look at each other. Chandra scratches his head. “What do you mean small thing?”
“If you have a small worry like what you look like, what someone else might think. You know, stuff like that.”
Chandra lifts his chin, scratching his stubble. “Eh…Worry does not work such way, moalu. Worry is big if you feed it. Worry stay small if you starve it. Problem just most people feeding the wrong worry. Is one thing to have real danger. Different to feed imaginary one.”
“But you feel better now, I hope?” Heaven adds. “Or at least you’ve learned something about yourself?”
I don’t know how to answer that. I’m lighter and freer, but I don’t know about ‘better’. I feel like I know less about myself than when I came in. How can that even happen? To be in my own skin for years and be a total stranger in it? “I guess so.”
“A lot of blockage was lifted after that last part so this will definitely be the last one. Whenever you’re ready, close your eyes.”
Does that mean it’s going to be the most painful one? I think bitterly, but close my eyes.
“Now I want you to think of any situations where you’ve felt helpless, or where something happened out of your control but it still heavily affected you, or a situation where you didn’t act but felt like you should have.”
At once, my mind goes to my gun, then my wrecked car. It jumps to Regi’s proposal, Megumi’s disappearance, the Geisha injecting me with the Akuma gene, then turning into a kitsune, the worries I wish I told Regi… The fiery twinge starts again in my arms, radiating down into my legs. I think of my visit to my old house and the twinge fans into hot flames. I think of Mai’s shooting incident. I think of Mom, and I can’t breathe. My lungs feel like they’ve been squished between concrete slabs. I think of all the times I’ve snapped at her, slammed my door in her face, blatantly ignored her because I didn’t understand, because I didn’t know what was going on. The times I wished Mai was my mom because I thought my real one didn’t know how to be one.
The hellish inferno in my blood surges, burning me until it seems impossible for my body to take anymore. Then it fades and a cooling sensation takes over.
I open my eyes to find Heaven and Chandra standing in front of me, smiling.
“You did it,” Heaven says. “All the blocks have been removed.”
Chandra makes a circle with his finger and thumb. “Should be able to use magic like normal. But just one thing…”
“What’s that?” I ask.
“Make sure magic come from here.” Chandra taps his chest. “Wayfinding no good if it doesn’t come from the heart. Let self feel all feelings, then let go so no have problem like this again. But now, I think, better to rest. Body has been through much.”
Heaven touches the back of her neck. “I know this session wasn’t all that exciting magic-wise, but Chandra’s right. Don’t try any magic until we meet tomorrow.”
I don’t need to be told twice. I feel like an old ice cream carton that’s been scraped out with a spoon. My body is “okay”, but mentally and emotion-wise, I’m tired and foggy-minded. It’d be a miracle if I could put two and two together right now, so magic is definitely out of the question.
“Thank you, Chandra. You’ve been a big help,” Heaven says.
Chandra takes the other bag by the lapels and brings it closer to him. “If still feeling like beached whale tomorrow, try this.” He pulls out a conical vial of sparkling powder and lays it on the table. “Is a lot in here, but only need half teaspoon to take by mouth once in the morning. But very important to keep powder dry until you use it. Should give burst of energy like hundred cups of coffee.”
I crane my neck to get a better look at the vial. The powder is a rich indigo, strung through with streaks of gold as if someone pulverized lapis lazuli ore into a fine glittery sand. If anything, it looks like something you’d want to put in your house to decorate, not something to ingest. “What is that?”
“That’s mana,” Heaven says. “It’s pretty much just plant chi, but mana is usually better than modern medicine, but it’s hard to make and really expensive. Not to mention, hard to keep fresh. So don’t get it wet and don’t keep it open for long periods of time.”
“Don’t let others put greasy fingers in, moalu,” Chandra adds, putting the bag straps over his shoulder. “I must go, but if having another problem, please let me know. I see what I can do.”
Heaven and I both thank him again, then Chandra hurries out of the room, leaving me and Heaven alone.
“Are you in a hurry, Jun?” Heaven asks.
“No, why?”
She’s wringing her hands together. “There’s something I want to talk to you about. It’s about Megumi.”
My heart moon jumps into my throat. “Really? You got her phone open? Do you know what happened to her?”
Heaven’s lips press into a thin line. She looks away. “I do.”
My optimism chips away piece by piece. That face doesn’t look promising. “She’s at least alive, isn’t she?”
“Jun, I don’t really know how to say this in a good way, but Megumi is gone. I’m fairly sure that she was murdered and it happened on this floor somewhere.”
My arms go weak. The word murder runs through my head over and over again. “What? But—” Murder? “How? Who?”
Heaven draws back a step, both hands up like a wall in front of her chest. “I’m still looking into that. What I do know for sure is that she wasn’t killed by anyone who works here. It was someone who slipped in.”
“Slipped in? How can people slip in? I thought the security system in the front was supposed to stop that.”
“I know. The records of that night are being checked,” Heaven says. “But I’m not sure we’ll find much. The murder happened down here and there’s no cameras that would show what happened.”
“
But what about the phone?” I ask. “You said you found something on it.”
“Yes, we were lucky that her camera was rolling. But it doesn’t show any faces.”
“How come? That’s a new phone.”
“The footage is too dark and she drops the phone halfway through, so there’s no visuals, just sound.”
“Well, where’s the phone?”
“It’s not here.”
A stripe of anger burns in my veins. It takes all my restraint not to snap at her. What use is it there? “Then where is it?”
“Still at home,” Heaven says. “It could be that person you ran into the other day.”
My mouth falls open. “Are you serious?” A killer walked by me and I didn’t even know it. I should’ve known! And it’s not even like she was that inconspicuous either! She ran off like she was guilty, and she’d stick out like a cactus in the tundra in that cloak she was wearing. No effort to hide the fact that she did it.
I cover my face with my hands. If I knew that she was the one who killed Megumi, I would’ve chased her down to the ends of the earth. But then a thought crosses my mind. “Wait a minute.” I slide my hands down off my face. “But I saw her leaving the ICU unit that was down here. And the person that was in there—”
“Wasn’t dead, I know,” Heaven finished. “It’s not someone I’ve met personally either. So I’m assuming that she put the other woman in there on purpose so she wouldn’t die.”
What sense does that make? “Why did she kill Megumi only to save a random woman? She could’ve put Megumi in the ICU.”
“Remember Megumi was dead long before the other woman came in,” Heaven says. “Megumi’s incident was done on purpose. Hence why the body isn’t here, but the other woman is. But what I’m not sure about is how the killer got in and out with the body. There aren’t any outdoor exits on this floor. And quite a bit of people use the elevators when it’s time for the lab to close. Someone might not have noticed them coming in, but she couldn’t have gotten away with carrying a body out and no one seeing.”
Vicissitude Yang Side Page 36