by Jillian Hart
She was too special. He wanted her in his life. More than he’d ever wanted anything for himself. With all he was and with all he had. He didn’t want to think how he’d feel if this didn’t work out.
All he could do was his best, and he’d trust God with the rest.
In the cold gray dawn, March was roaring like a lion, so when Katherine lowered her car window to place an order at the espresso stand, she got a face full of wind-driven ice, sleet and rain.
Great. After ordering a cinnamon mocha, she looked at herself in the visor mirror. Yikes. Talk about wind damage. Bedraggled wasn’t the word. It couldn’t be good that it was seven in the morning, and already the day wasn’t going well.
It will get better, right, Lord? She wasn’t feeling too hopeful as she dug a five from her wallet. She hadn’t slept well last night, high winds had woken her up and kept her awake, but the storm wasn’t the only reason.
Jack. She couldn’t explain why learning he wasn’t interested in dating her felt like a loss, something beyond disappointment. She’d given it to God, and this was God’s answer. This is how things were meant to be.
Let it go, Katherine. She took a steadying breath. Her coffee was ready, so she powered down her window, handed over the five and her punch card in exchange for the toasted bagel and the enormous cup of blistering-hot espresso. Whipped cream oozed out of the lid’s drinking spout.
Excellent. She thanked the lady and left her change in the tip jar. She slid the car into gear and froze. There was a black SUV just like Jack’s pulling into the lot directly toward her, aimed at the order window on the other side of the booth.
That can’t be him, she told herself, so don’t even look. Even if it was, she didn’t know if she wanted to see him, so she kept her eyes on the road. Heart stinging, she didn’t look in her rearview mirror until she’d pulled back into traffic and was heading in the direction of the store. She could see a man, window down, giving his order with a smile. Jack’s face. Jack’s smile.
The stinging in her heart worsened, so she kept driving through the wind and the storm, sad. Feeling so very sad.
Not quite able to let it go.
Jack felt a brush, like a whisper, that moved sweetly through him. He’d felt this before—when he was near Katherine. He looked around and only saw torrential downpour and cars he didn’t recognize. Then he realized he didn’t even know what she drove.
After getting hot tea for himself and a vanilla steamer for Hayden, he drove her to school, wished her a good day and felt her unhappiness to the bottom of his soul. He watched her walk away, taking more of his heart with her. Dressed in her school uniform, navy sweater and slacks, saddle shoes, she looked like the good, wholesome girl she was inside. This was his daughter. He loved her so much.
Watch over her, Lord. Please keep her safe today.
He stayed until she’d passed through the double doors into the school. Only then could he move on, negotiating the jam of traffic. He checked the time. He had a meeting with Pastor Marin for counseling. This head stuff wasn’t his thing and he wasn’t comfortable with it, but he needed help. Marin had suggested Hayden was going through the stages of grief, which everyone did after a loss.
There was hope on the other side. He was banking on that.
Maybe hope for him, too.
Oh, no. The copier guy. Katherine spotted him the second she reached the doorway. The meeting room was crowded tonight, full of people, talking casually, Bibles open or closed before them, and he hadn’t noticed her standing in the doorway.
Maybe he’s just here for a little fellowship, she thought. Please Lord, let him be here for his spiritual needs.
“C’mon,” Marin coaxed behind her in the hallway. “The copier guy is here, but I’ll help you avoid him.”
“I don’t think that will help.” Katherine lowered her voice, not that she was in danger of being overheard due to the amazing cacophony of sound in the hallway from all the other meeting rooms. “I have a feeling of doom.”
“That’s never good, but have faith. Isn’t that why you’re here?” Marin grinned. She was obviously enjoying this. “You’d better find a seat. Oh, how about right here, next to the door? You can hide from the copier guy here.”
“I have the feeling you knew the copier guy was going to be here. I thought you were on my side.”
“I’m always on your side, girlfriend.” Marin gave her a hug. “Have a little faith. Now, who else is here besides the copier guy?”
She said that as if she was expecting someone else.
I don’t even want to know, Katherine thought and scrunched into the first available seat she came to and scooted her chair directly behind a much taller man. It was the closest she was going to get to being invisible.
An icy prickle tingled at the back of her neck, and she recognized it. She’d felt it before.
Someone settled into the chair next to her. Jack. She didn’t have to look to know it was him. She could feel the might and personality radiating outward from him. She recognized the faint woodsy scent of his soap, and, of course, a corresponding knot of anxiety coiled to life in her midsection.
“What are you doing here?” The words popped out of her mouth before she could stop them.
As if he hadn’t noticed how horrified she’d sounded, Jack shrugged out of a rain-speckled jacket, revealing the blue on blue patrolman’s uniform beneath. “It’s a much smaller town than you think. What were the chances we’d both be here tonight?”
“Because I told you about the meeting?” Katherine noticed he didn’t look nearly as surprised as she was to see him. “Aren’t you supposed to be at work?”
“I’m taking an early dinner hour, so I can only stay for half the meeting. Is the copier guy here?”
He dazzled her, leaning close as if they were more than acquaintances, more than friends. For a moment her chest drew tight and her spirit brightened, overwhelmed by his nearness. By the warm gleam of gold and bronze in his eyes, by the manly texture of his shaved jaw, by the deep unspoken wish she felt. She wanted to know more.
Too much more. Like, was he as emotionally tender as she sensed he could be? What would it feel like to have him hold her hand, his fingers twined with hers? What would it be like to be held by him? Would it be nice and safe and sheltering?
Katherine, this is not what you should be thinking about. She took a steadying breath, willing down these out-of-place hopes. After all, she was a sensible girl. “The copier guy. Yes, he’s here.”
“That’s why you’re hiding in the back?”
“Guilty.”
A friendly grin played at the corners of his mouth.
A very handsome mouth. “Do you have that date lined up?”
“Date?” Why did her mind go blank when he smiled? Think, Katherine. “Oh, you mean the one—my sisters—uh, I’m going to.”
“Good.” Jack smiled full-on and dazzling. “I have a hunch this is the right man for you.”
His words were like an arrow to her heart. Okay, there was a silver lining to this, and she’d concentrate on that. The good part was that he hadn’t gotten the slightest clue that she liked him. Because if he had, she’d be too embarrassed to look him in those dazzling eyes. “I was going to call Danielle tonight when I got home. How about you?”
He nodded, his gaze sharpening on hers. Intense. The noise in the room faded to silence. The colors and lights and the presence of other people vanished. It felt as if they were alone. That the cadence of her pulse slowed to match his.
It’s a good thing he didn’t like her, because she’d be in trouble. It’s a good thing the wish aching deep in her chest wasn’t her heart longing.
Remember, you were never more than mildly interested in him, Katherine.
Not true. Her usual defense method of denial wasn’t working at all. Ripping her gaze from his, she fumbled through her beloved Bible, checking the chapter and verse written on the blackboard at the front, unable to find Corinthians. Her hands we
re shaking so badly she couldn’t turn the whisper-thin pages. What had happened to Corinthians? It was here the last time she looked.
Face it, Katherine. You’re rattled. Jack was the first man she’d really liked in a long time. Somewhere down deep, she had to acknowledge the truth. She’d fallen for him. Truly fallen. When she looked at him, she saw the lawman strong and honorable in his uniform; but she also saw much more.
The devoted father, the lonely widower, his big honest heart, his unyielding sense of responsibility. The man who, like her, had tried to date many times, only never to have it work out. It could wear you down after a while, the disappointment of not connecting emotionally and spiritually with the right person, and fearing that you never would.
It was as if she could peer into his heart and see him. How much he cared, how much he fought to do the right thing, how hard he believed. The strength it took to lose a wife and bury her, to go on and get through for his daughter. She saw things he’d never told her about, but things she could see and feel. She’d never been able to do that with anyone. Not one single person. And why Jack?
Let it go, Katherine. She took a deep breath, willed the last of her disappointment away, and, as Marin started the meeting, bowed her head for the opening prayer.
Chapter Nine
“Ava’s chocolate cream pie is way better than this.” Marin dug her fork into the slice on the plate sitting in the exact middle of the booth’s table. “She should sell her stuff to places like this. Have you told her that?”
“She doesn’t listen to me. She thinks I don’t know anything.”
“All younger sisters think that of their big sisters.” Marin went for another forkful of pie. “This is just what I needed. Lots of chocolate after a fourteen-hour day.”
“How long before they hire a new minister?”
“Who knows? Our congregation keeps growing. This time last year, we felt overstaffed. Now Ron retires, and I’m leading adult evening groups.”
Katherine dug her fork into her side of the pie. “You knew Jack was going to be there, didn’t you?”
“I mentioned the meeting to him, nothing more. He’s a member of the church now.”
“There are plenty of other churches in this city. Why ours?”
“Because his daughter’s involved in my youth projects and I invited them. That’s right before I told him all about our programs for kids and adults, including the singles’ groups. Do you know what else?”
“I’m afraid to know.”
“I think you like him.”
“Just a little. He seems all right.” That was the understatement of the millennium. Katherine made sure she got some extra whipped cream on her next forkful of pie. She needed it. She wasn’t happy until a mound of chocolate oozed over the side of her fork, rich and comforting enough to make her temporarily forget. “Jack’s not my type.”
“Oh, of course not. A big handsome man like that wouldn’t be any woman’s type. Honestly.” Marin stopped with her fork in midair, contemplative. “You know what else? I knew the moment I saw him leaving the ski lounge, and you were sitting there all alone. You like him and you’ve moved past the denial stage.”
“You’re totally wrong.”
“And into the hesitant stage. Where you let yourself admit he’s sort of all right, but you’re hedging on that because you’re not really interested. No big deal. Except it is a huge deal.”
“That’s because it really isn’t a big deal. Jack is an okay guy but I’m not interested. It’s as simple as that.” And she would make sure of it. She was in control of her feelings, and it wasn’t a big issue that he didn’t want to date her.
“Interesting.” Marin switched to a German accent, as if she were Freud. “Very interesting. Tell me more.”
“How about you? What happened to that really handsome counselor you liked at the homeless shelter?” Katherine watched Marin’s fork tumble from her fingers and hit the table. “So, that must mean you like him?”
“That means I’m liking him but I’m not letting him know. Just in case he does what every other man on the planet does. They are horrified and sputter a lot and make it clear they are not interested. To him, a lady minister is the same as being the reverend mother of a convent.”
“They don’t see you as marrying material.”
“You don’t have that problem. You just don’t give most men a chance.”
“I want it to be right, you know?” Katherine remembered how Jack had had to leave for work, and had slid out with a smile before the refreshment part of the evening. Why did her mind just go right to Jack? She had to stop thinking about him like that. “I don’t want to settle. I want the real thing.”
“Speaking of which, I saw you with Cliff.”
“The copier guy? Yeah. I need more chocolate for this. Wait a minute.” Katherine forked straight into the pie, taking out an enormous glob of chocolate and chocolate cookie crust. After she chewed and swallowed, she was fortified enough to discuss it. “He asked me out, and I had to tell him no. It was horrible.”
“There are worse things, and I know you turned him down kindly.”
“I did my best, but it hurt him.” She knew the feeling firs-hand. “Love is a weird thing, isn’t it? I think he really liked me, but I didn’t feel anything for him. Zip. He was nice in every way, there just wasn’t that spark. That hopeful awareness in your heart that overrides everything.”
The one she had for Jack—not that she was ready to admit it. The feeling that Jack didn’t have for her. “Why is it so hard to find that feeling happening for a man who actually feels that for you?”
“It’s supposed to be that way. Real love is a precious gift. You just don’t find it anywhere, every day.”
“True. But where does that leave us?”
“Sitting here together eating chocolate.”
Katherine’s cell phone rang and she plunged her hand into her purse trying to find it. “It’s probably Ava. She either locked herself out of her—”
Jack Munroe. She had to blink to make sure she wasn’t imagining his name on the LCD screen. Nerves gripped her stomach. “I don’t have to take it. It’ll keep.”
Marin leaned over the table far enough to see the screen. She grinned as if she knew a secret. “Answer it.”
“Don’t say it as if he likes me. It’s not that way between us. What the copier guy is to me, I am to Jack.”
“Sure. He’s probably just calling because he needs a friend, since he’s new to the area and probably hasn’t met many people yet.”
New to the area? Wasn’t the guy Danielle had wanted to set her up with new to the area, too? She’d never seen Jack around before Hayden’s incident, but she just assumed they’d never crossed paths before. It wasn’t as if she knew everyone in the city. “Hi, Jack. Did you just move here?”
“Hello to you, too.” His baritone rumbled as warm as melted butter. “From Phoenix. Why?”
“I’m sitting here with Marin and she said that about you.”
“What else is she saying about me?”
“Nothing good. It’s sad, really.”
He chuckled softly. “True. I’m a sad case. Can I ask you something?”
“Sure.” Why did her heart double-beat like that, and then stop altogether? She held her feelings very still. They were friends, that’s all.
“Being new to the area, I don’t know one restaurant from the next. Since I’m going on this blind date, I want to pick a really fine place with excellent food. In case the woman I’m meeting doesn’t like me, at least she’ll have the consolation of a very nice meal.”
Of course. If Katherine needed proof he didn’t see her that way, this was it. “How pricey are you thinking?”
“Pricey. What’s your very favorite place?”
“It’s the steakhouse on County Homes Boulevard. You won’t find a better filet mignon anywhere. The view of the mountains is priceless.” I can’t believe I’m doing this. She took a steadying breat
h. “If you want to make a good impression, take her there.”
“I will. Thanks for the tip.”
“Anytime.” She disconnected and tossed her phone into her purse. It clanked into something and made a terrible sound, but she didn’t care.
This was what she got for being sensible. For wearing sensible shoes. For wearing sensible clothes. For living a sensible life. She looked down at herself. She wore a navy blue blouse buttoned up to the top collar button, sleeves buttoned at the cuffs, and matching navy pleated slacks, finished with navy blue all-weather loafers, because it was raining outside.
Yep, this is me, she thought, sensible from head to toe. A few more years and she was going to be mistaken for a reverend mother.
“Well, there’s always Cliff,” Marin teased. “Poor Cliff.”
Katherine studied the empty plate between them. Nothing but a few crumbs were left. She signaled for the waitress. “I’m going to need more pie.”
“You seem down,” Marin commented as they wandered from the mall entrance of the restaurant and stood in the wide breezeway. “Normally after two slices of chocolate cream, most people are much happier.”
“It’s nothing.” And everything. She stared at her image reflected in a store’s windows. “I’ve done the dumbest thing. I agreed to go on a blind date to help Jack get the courage to go on one, too.”
“You mean, together? That’s awesome. I knew—”
“No, separately. A friend of his wants to fix him up. And so when I blabbed that Danielle wanted to set me up, he said he’d go on his, if I’d go on mine. And now I have to say yes to a blind date.”
“You like Jack. That’s why you couldn’t say no to him.”
“I only sort of like him, and not like that.” Because I refuse to let it be. She took another steadying breath. It wasn’t easy keeping so many emotions stuffed down inside.