by Susan Firtik
"Ahhhh, hell, Lina, as much as I want you, and as much as I need you...this is such an impossible situation and the timing couldn’t suck more... I should tell you...I want to share something with you...but I want more than just a day or a week. You are so amazing...and I need you—I want you to know that I..." He groaned.
"I can’t let this happen.”
She stared at him for a few seconds more. What was he saying? It dawned on her and she felt a huge lump in her throat. Tears stung at the back of her eyes. Noooo! He was just like the rest! She had such high hopes for him. There was a huge, heavy pressure on her heart. An even larger boulder in the pit of her stomach. How could he say all that and then...just end it? He spouted all those nice words, apparently to give her a boost of self-confidence while he was cutting his losses and running?
Lina was thumping her forehead in her mind that nagging inner voice was screaming.
I am an idiot! Such an idiot—a gullible, naive, stupid idiot. What did you think would happen? I mean, look at him—then look in the mirror. She knew she should listen to that inner voice. It had kept her away from...well...everyone. And that meant, no dates, no romantic dinners, no fun, no holding hands. No love equaled not being hurt. Safety. Keeping her distance from all people. That kept her safe. She had to admit it also kept her feeling lonely.
He still hadn’t said a word to deny he was dumping her. He didn’t deny she was an idiot. But he also didn’t agree with her, so maybe there was hope? Maybe he will stop her before she walks away from him forever? They were just pulling into The Mansions drive.
"You know what? That’s fine.” she whispered. Her voice cracked a little and she hated herself for it. "I understand, and I’m not just saying that. I really do understand, and it’s fine." She whispered to herself. I should be used to it by now. Looking away from him, she continued.
"It’s fine. It’s not the end of the world.”
It was the end of her world, as she knew it. She began gathering her bag and the papers they’d found, trying desperately to not crack...not shed one tear...
"I didn’t expect you to declare your undying love, Keaton, to marry me and start building that white picket fence out front, just because we might like each other and have good chemistry, 'cuz I'm sure that’s pretty common for good looking guys like you. But hey, I thank you for the kind words, the very kind words, but I’m not...well...so...I’m gonna go. I’m sorry you felt you had to say anything you didn’t want to."
He opened his mouth but no sound came out.
"But, I am not sorry about what we...did."
"Lina, honey, I am one happy man when I'm with you, holding you. I can’t explain right now, as much as I want to...but this is for the best. Before one of us really gets hurt."
He lowered his eyes, but not before she thought she saw the shimmer of tears in his eyes.
"Okay. I am sorry about your truck and your boots and well…so...I’m just sorry. I guess we’ve said what had to be said and I guess I should go...now.” She reached up and cupped his face in her hand. "You deserve happiness and so much more."
She almost fell out of the truck she was in such a hurry to get away from him. Fighting the tears she knew were coming. Humiliated and ashamed, hating herself for even dreaming of having a guy like him, why couldn’t she be good enough for a guy like him.
She kept thinking to herself. Damnit! One of these days I will find my guy because I deserve him and he’ll love me...I’m a catch! She sighed then opened the truck door.
Keaton leaned over to take her hands. "Lina? Please let me...” She jerked away.
"No! I mean... No, that’s okay, I have it, thank you for helping me at the....I mean...thank you for being... I mean going with me..."
She stopped for a second and readjusted her position on the truck seat. She was just stalling, waiting for him to say or do something to stop her leaving.
He looked at her as if she’d broken his heart! She was sure his eyes were shimmering with tears. She looked him directly in the eye and with her last bit of bravado, she let him have it.
"Okay, I have to say something. There was some good that came out of my meeting you and that was that I was able to see that maybe I can love again. I’m not as homely as I thought. No, don’t stop me. I don’t think I could handle seeing you with someone else." She started shaking but swallowed quickly and continued.
"I guess I should have known a good lookin’ guy would be a player. But I care so I don't want to see you playing this game with some other clueless girl. It's unfair and dishonest.
“You are welcome here. We do need you as our vet, but I don't want to know if anything else happens. Okay? You haven’t been totally honest with me. I can't stand that. I have great family and some really good friends. They are always there for me, so I’ll be fine...” There! She'd said her piece and felt a little better for it. Her voice cracked at that moment and she cursed herself, not now!
He didn’t say a word. He didn’t try to stop her. He didn’t come after her.
She died a little inside. She stepped out of the truck, shut the door, amazed but very glad she didn’t slam it. Then she walked calmly up the newly reinforced steps, into her home. Alone.
She would not let him see her cry. Once inside the door she dropped her bundles and against the door, she slid to the floor and sobbed until she was physically drained. Her heart was totally shattered, completely broken. She was humiliated. Again. She trusted and she was betrayed. Again.
She went through several minutes of feeling sorry for herself, sobbing through the cracking and splitting of her heart. She tried desperately to seal it over with some hope maybe, or just more scar tissue? It would not be so easy next time. As if there would be a next time? Yes! She wouldn’t give up easily. She wanted love, home, family and she would again put herself “out there” and would get hurt again but this time, with Keaton felt worse, different, stronger. They had felt so damn right. They just seemed to be… what? She didn’t know and couldn’t explain it but it really felt like she would die without him. Absurd. Right? Maybe. Lina got her feet under her.
"Get your shit together, Lina! So he broke your heart. You’ve been dumped before and even had one guy slap you around before you came to your senses. Your history isn’t the best, but you can proudly say you keep trying. You didn’t give up. But, something about Keaton, something about us...was just so special. It never hurt this much."
Oh crap, I knew it when I kissed him. I just didn’t want to believe it... I...I love him! Shit! This is bad. How did I let that happen? Well now, I’ve gone and done it... I just told him off and completely burned that bridge. He won’t be back. Oh my God! What have I done?" She sobbed once more, blew her nose, picked up the mess she’d made when she dropped her belongings, and with a heavy sigh, schlepped her way slowly up the stairs. She was suddenly more than bone tired.
****
Keaton stood outside the door, his hands and his forehead against the wood while she sat on the other side and mourned their mutual loss. She loved him? When he heard those words, he’d fallen to his knees, unable to stand with all the emotion pouring out of her big confused heart. He hadn’t meant to let it go that far. He couldn’t get involved. Not now! Things were heating up and he didn’t need a distraction. But, he had gotten involved. He felt her sorrow. He’d caused it, and now, damnit, he felt like a big jerk. Shit, she didn’t deserve this. He could almost see her face, wet with tears. His gut was twisting with guilt, shame and a longing to hold her, to comfort her. He crumpled to his knees when he heard her say he’d broken her heart.
But what can I do now? She’d never believe me if I pushed this door open and professed my love. Oh God, how can I go and leave her like this? I just hurt the most honest, loving, sinless soul on earth...for some stupid oath? At least in his thoughts he was being honest. He questioned himself silently, berated himself and finally decided maybe this was for the best. Anyone who would leave her hurting like this wasn’t good enough
for her. He would leave her and this place behind him. He had to, for her sake. Selfishly for his own sake too, because being near her and not having her...would kill him. It would destroy his soul. She was his mate. His other half and he loved her! But he couldn’t give her what she needed. She was so full of sorrow, so alone. He hated himself. All this was his fault. Damnit.
But he was Alpha and his first duty was to the pack. His task was too important and he couldn’t be selfish. He just couldn’t...not now. He’d volunteered for this task and he would honor the vow he made. He wanted Lina in every possible way as his mate, the mother of his children and he wanted the feeling of happiness for himself. Selfish.
He might not live to see it. This was not about him, Lina or happiness. Keaton couldn’t involve her in this and he knew she might try to stop him. It was too late. It had to be done. He doubted he could un-do what he’d just done to her loving spirit, her pride, or to her sweet heart. He had to protect the pack, the humans and especially his pretty little Lina, his Angel. He couldn’t get involved with her and risk her life. They wouldn't hesitate to hurt her...to get to him. He had to leave. He was here to hunt and kill.
And possibly die.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
Keaton thought leaving his pack in Montana was the hardest thing he’d ever done, but leaving Lina, especially after hurting her so cruelly, was tearing his heart straight out of his chest. He couldn’t breathe and his limbs were leaden and weak. His thoughts were scattered, but they centered on Lina. He was a mess.
He had a duty to his pack and couldn’t fail. Yet he felt his duty to his mate also, to protect her and to see to her needs...his needs. His heart was being torn in two directions. He could actually feel it. He hadn’t fully mated her but she was his in all other ways. The pull to complete the mating ritual was strong but so was he.
Sheer willpower had prevented the pack war years ago. He needed that willpower now. That strength had defeated the assassins sent to kill him and his second, Gerhardt. The killers intended to not only eliminate all those in line to lead, but wanted the pack leaderless and in chaos so they could take over.
It was the way of wolves and packs but the process of deciding on a leader was done with ceremony and within boundaries. Women and children were sacred treasures, not part of the politics of pack law. When the assassins tried to take out Gerhardt’s mate and their twin sons, they’d clearly crossed a line of no return.
The attempt on their lives failed but then the pack was divided. The pack was torn between the old ways and the band of misfits bent on bringing all the shifters out to the world. This new group of misfits targeted mostly the young and untested shape shifters. They called themselves Outers. They were totally unaware of the problems or the dangers they faced. The humans were not ready to meet shifters. There were more than just wolf shifters that needed to be hidden from man.
Keaton knew how humans reacted to anything different. It was long ago when humans were superstitious and afraid of anything not normal by their archaic standards. And if not condoned by the Church, they were doubly afraid. The priests themselves were the most superstitious of the whole lot.
Only one wolf had shown himself and all for the love of a young village woman. She died in his arms as he shifted back to human. She’d been killed by the village’s pious leaders. Idiots, all of them. Now she was dead because of him. She loved him with all his faults and maybe loved him more because of them. She was his mate. He knew it and she’d felt it, but it was not to be. He died for her that same day but not until he took his revenge. That only solidified the humans against the wolves.
The Hunters were born on the day he died. Their only tasks—their only thought—kill all wolves. They slaughtered thousands and not one was a shifter. The pack mourned the loss of their wolf-kin every night as they called out to each other and moved farther and farther away from the only home they’d ever known. Only a few hundred of them remained.
Once the entire pack arrived in the land now known as Siberia, the leaders met and decided to divide the pack to keep the species safe and alive. At least some would survive if others fell victim to the Hunters. They would carry on. The alphas of each pack could communicate telepathically with each other. That would be the only way anyone in the pack would know the fate of the others.
Some moved toward the forests of Germany. Some traveled eastward toward the ancient land bridge of Russia to Alaska where they settled. Packs went farther into Canada and some went south to what is now the American Rocky Mountains, near Montana. Thus began the four Clans. Within each Clan there were at least two packs—living near each other, yet separate. Again, to ensure safety, if one pack is attacked, the other was close enough to offer assistance. This was also the best way to keep the in breeding to a minimum. There were only so many eligible females due to their numbers having dwindled on the trek from Europe and the battles they had encountered. To complicate matters, an unprecedented number of male births in the years that followed had caused an imbalance in the packs. They needed mates for their men.
Keaton’s grandfather had ruled for 400 years. Some of that rule was spent in Europe, but most of his rule was where they ended up living, in the Rocky Mountains. This was long before the white man arrived. Keaton’s father ruled another 423 years, when the Indians began to appear. They thrived together and lived productive lives. The Indians revered the wolf for many years and they all lived in peace.
Trappers ventured west long before the wagon trains and the military. They were a vicious example of humanity and stopped at nothing to gain what they wanted. They went through the mountains killing anything and anyone in their quest for fortune. They killed for pelts and meat. They fought for gold and guns and scalps taken from the Indians they’d murdered.
Seldom did they have a reason to kill. They just killed. Keaton had his revenge but learned a valuable lesson also. They cannot be discovered by humans. They must remain hidden, especially from the humans.
His father died in battle with the first white men. Keaton became Alpha, although he had never wanted to become their leader that way. He still mourned his father.
Now some of the Canadian packs from the two northern clans had broken away with the notion that humans were ready to meet their betters. Someone was prodding them along. This was someone who didn’t know the history of the shifters or wasn’t sharing the truth with these young shifters. The Outers had it in their minds to not only come out into the open, but to rule. Everyone.
They thought themselves superior and in many ways the shifters were correct. They had better hearing, sight, and sense of smell. They moved faster, even in human form. Keaton and his wolves were almost too fast to be seen with human eyes. The bear shifters were super strong. The cat shifters were cunning and lethal. The Outers were mostly from the wolf packs. They were really just kids and someone had promised them power. They were hungry for that power, thinking it would give them the freedom they thought they wanted. Kids that were mad with the need to take over everything and everyone—no matter what.
They had traveled to Keaton’s Mountains and had recruited other believers. Those pack members that were tired of hiding and wanting more freedom. Most were young, uneducated in their history and ignorant of their ancestry. Angry at their leaders for keeping them cooped up and away from the cities. None of them understood they were facing disappointment and possible death.
The Hunters of old times had spread and grown in numbers and fervor. That was just one of the dangers out in the real world They Hunters tracked down any who were different. Some humans had been butchered only because they were odd or different. Some had simple deformities. Often an odd walk or a missing limb, a facial deformity that might make them appear wolfish, immediately made them targets. Others had some psychic abilities and those people needed more protection than most – they were possible mates. Only those with some magic in them could mate successfully with a shifter.
Most of the Hunter’s targets where tota
lly human, but believed themselves to be witches or were vampire-wannabes. In reality, they were just Goths with wild imaginations. Their odd clothing, even more odd makeup combined with their late night activities, made them easy targets for the Hunters. Most were killed right away but others were taken for torture—to gather information on the real shifters and vampires.
Eventually they all confessed to everything and anything just to stop the pain and agony. Shifters were too wary to ever be caught by the Hunters. All their victims, so-called monsters, were just innocent humans. The Hunters were vicious and voracious in their appetite for violence. None of it matter to them.
The Outers had quickly moved through Denver, Kansas City and St. Louis, headed for Memphis and Little Rock. Keaton had heard of mutilated bodies being found in alleys and on country roads, leaving authorities to believe they had a traveling serial killer on their hands. Keaton was determined to have them continue with that vein of thought. The killer was moving south, probably to New Orleans, but they had to go straight through the area where Lina and her sisters lived which meant they had to be stopped.
Keaton was the nearest responsible Alpha and being unmated, until having recently met Lina, he volunteered to find and stop the Outers. His second in command, Gerhardt had a mate and with two male heirs was quickly dismissed as available for this dangerous mission. That simply meant Keaton was expendable.
Now however, having met his mate, he was concerned. His focus was divided and at times he doubted he could do the job he’d been sent to complete. He had never been anything but confident in his ability to defend himself and his pack. Now he had to protect his mate also. How could he do it all?
He took a deep stabilizing breath and remembered Lina wasn’t just any human woman. She had magic in her or they couldn’t be mates. A pure human would never survive the change. With that thought and vision of Lina’s green eyes looking at him full of love, he felt stronger. He did have a stubborn streak and he used that iron will and the promise of a possible life with Lina, to spur him on to the battle ahead. Maybe if he lived, he would beg her to forgive him. He’d take the rest of his life and devote it to her. She deserved that and so much more. He thought of her crying and when she sobbed, I love him, he’d actually heard his heart crack. For the first time in years, his entire adult life, he wept.