Joe appeared as if from nowhere, grabbed a tea towel, stuck it under the tap and spread it over the now fully aflame oven gloves, putting out the fire instantly. He then went through the kitchen opening all the windows. The back door was already swinging open from where he’d dashed in. Jessie was standing on the step outside watching. Joe snatched up another tea towel and took up position underneath the fire alarm, frantically waving until it finally stopped shrieking.
‘Oh dear,’ said Angie, who had come to see what all the commotion was about. She was now peering at the turkey. Flames were still dancing across its charred surface. Lottie could see it was taking all her mother’s self-control not to dissolve into hysterics.
‘There’s nothing to worry about,’ said Lottie. This was enough to cope with without her mother’s unhelpful commentary.
‘Oh, I’m not worried,’ said Angie. ‘I’m a vegan. Remember?’
Lottie could feel her blood beginning to boil. She was almost as hot as the turkey. ‘I hope you’re not hungry because the vegans,’ she made inverted comma signs in the air, ‘are going to have to share with everyone else.’ A quick glance into the open oven reassured her that the vegan wreath Emily had helped her with earlier had survived the blaze. She picked up the charred oven gloves.
‘It’s like Carry On Christmas,’ said Angie with a hoot.
‘Showing your age, Mother,’ said Lottie.
Joe escorted Jessie through the still-smoky kitchen into the hallway, waved Angie away and shut the kitchen door. He and Lottie stared at the blackened turkey together. ‘It’s completely ruined,’ said Lottie, failing to hide the dismay in her voice.
‘You might want to cross “chef” off your list of possible new career paths,’ joked Joe.
He took a carving fork from the drawer and gave the turkey a prod. He wasn’t helping. ‘Don’t do that, Joe. It’s definitely dead.’
‘And cremated.’ Joe was nodding.
‘Too late for last rites.’
‘We should probably put it in an urn or scatter it on a rose bush in the garden.’
‘Bugger,’ said Lottie with feeling, as Joe inspected the turkey closely.
‘Actually, I don’t think it’s ruined. It must have been the fat that was burning and not the actual turkey, otherwise by now it would be a lump of charcoal.’
Lottie picked up a sharp knife, nudged Joe out of the way and made a small slice into the breast meat. Underneath the dark skin the turkey was indeed fine. Utter relief washed over her. Joe rummaged in the cupboards and without saying anything handed her a roll of aluminium foil. This was clearly where she had gone wrong. She wrapped a large sheet of foil over the turkey and flung it back in the oven.
Now alone, Joe and Lottie glanced awkwardly at each other. A shiver came over Lottie and she busied herself with shutting the back door. She’d need to leave the windows open a while longer, because the smell of the burning fat was still strong. Goodness knows what Nana would have said, although come to think of it, Lottie was sure Nana would have seen the funny side – and hopefully, eventually, she would too.
The silence between them was thick. Dave trotted in and made himself comfortable on the mophead that the Duchess had recently vacated.
Joe was scanning the kitchen – it was the proverbial bombsite. ‘What’s the motto here?’ he asked with laughter in his voice. ‘“Cook like you’re not cleaning up”?’
‘Except I’ll be doing that, too, unless I frogmarch people in here.’ Lottie sighed. It was like being a lone soldier on a battleground surrounded by the enemy – but worse, because she was related to these people.
‘I’ll give you a hand.’ Joe rolled up his sleeves and began filling the sink with water.
‘Thanks,’ she said, and she readjusted her hair clip. Joe smiled and then looked away.
‘Did you get the dog food?’ This was the level she needed to keep it at with Joe – mundane and perfunctory.
‘Yeah, I wasn’t sure I was going to get Jessie away from Tiny. She’s proper bonkers about dogs. But then I was the same at that age.’
‘I remember,’ said Lottie, failing to hide the sadness the memories brought to her eyes. She snatched up a Pyrex jug. They needed gravy, and she needed a distraction. She hastily tugged at the foil on a chicken stock cube, and as the foil gave way, the cube inside exploded in her face.
‘Ow! My eye,’ said Lottie, dropping the rest of the cube and feeling it crunch underfoot.
‘Here, let me look.’ Joe took her arm and guided her to the light of the window. ‘Head up.’
She struggled to look at him through her good eye, she wasn’t good at winking but she could see he was smiling. ‘Open your eye then.’
‘This isn’t funny,’ she remonstrated. ‘It’s really stinging.’
He gave a jolly snort. ‘Only you could get injured by a stock cube.’ There was pure affection in his voice. Or perhaps she was imagining it. Joe was so close he could have kissed her. For a moment she wondered if he was going to. Her pulse quickened. ‘Blink,’ he instructed. He tore off a piece of kitchen roll, wet it and gently dabbed around her eye.
‘Is it okay?’ she asked, continuing to blink with her mouth open in what she knew was a particularly unattractive manner – but she couldn’t help it. And at least that would kill any romantic notions.
‘Yeah, a dash of water and that’s the gravy done,’ he quipped. ‘It’s nothing a roast potato can’t fix.’
Chapter Seventeen
Emily wandered into the kitchen. ‘How’s it going?’ she asked.
Lottie squinted at her through one eye. ‘Not great.’
Joe was drying up a saucepan. ‘She got gravy in her eye,’ he said, with a smile.
‘Gravy?’
‘I was attacked by an exploding stock cube,’ explained Lottie.
Emily was puzzled as to how a stock cube could explode exactly. ‘O-kay. Can I help?’
‘Here.’ Joe threw the tea towel to her as he passed. ‘I need to make some happy Christmas phone calls to the States.’
Emily caught the tea towel and set to work.
‘Did you and Zach sort things out about the … adult films?’ asked Lottie.
‘Yeah. It was his mate who paid for them. I guess if there’s free porn on TV most men are going to watch it. And to be honest, it does sound like it was hard to avoid – they were sharing a room. And, you know, stag weekends,’ said Emily with a shrug.
‘Hen nights aren’t much better. People go a bit crazy.’
‘I prefer a nice spa,’ said Emily. ‘I’d love a massage right now.’ Lottie’s lips twitched. ‘Oh, not that I don’t want to be here. I’m having a nice time.’
‘How are you finding it so far?’ asked Lottie. ‘It’s okay. I know what a complete nightmare this family is – and that’s from someone on the inside. I can’t begin to imagine the horror it must seem from your perspective.’
Emily tried not to blush, but it was impossible. She turned to face the draining board. She didn’t want Lottie to see her when she lied. ‘No, it’s lovely. They’re all very … lovely.’
The laughter that came from Lottie was one step away from maniacal villain. ‘No, they’re not. It’s okay, you don’t have to lie to me.’
Emily relaxed a fraction. ‘I guess they are a bit quirky.’
‘Quirky? I’d like to say they put the “fun” in “dysfunctional” … but they don’t.’
Emily checked Lottie’s expression. She seemed like an honest and open person; this wasn’t a trap. Emily relaxed her shoulders. ‘You’re right; they’re a nightmare. How come you’re still sane?’
‘I’m not. I just look good next to them. It’s all relative. In this case, literally.’ They laughed together and any final barriers between them were down. Lottie sidled over and pushed the kitchen door shut. They needed a little bit of privacy for a good gossip.
‘I like Bernard. You looked surprised when he announced his engagement,’ said Emily.
‘
I think we all were. But I’m happy for him. Dayea is lovely.’
‘I’m sure she is; but there is a bit of an age gap. You don’t think maybe …’
‘She’s after his money? It’s okay, I think we all thought it. But I’m sure she’s genuine – and if she’s going to make him happy, I can’t see the harm really.’
‘And your mum’s going out with a porn star.’ She laughed, saw Lottie’s expression change, and instantly felt bad. ‘I’m sorry. That’s probably not quite as funny from your perspective.’
‘No, it is funny. It’s also typical of my mother. She has a really bad track record with men. And, despite everything, I do worry about her. I think she really likes Scott, so the inevitable breakup is going to hurt. This time she won’t have Nana to pick up the pieces.’
‘And I couldn’t believe it when that woman turned up. It was like Christmas Day in Albert Square,’ said Emily.
‘There’s less drama on EastEnders – and at least they have some light relief. But I guess we have alcohol, and that helps a bit. Not that I’m advocating it for everyone.’ Lottie’s eyes momentarily scanned Emily’s midriff. Emily tensed up as Lottie spoke again. ‘I saw you and Zach go off together earlier.’ The unspoken question hung in the air.
This was the conversation Emily could not avoid. Part of her didn’t even want to any more. She needed a friend right now, and Lottie seemed to fit the bill, even if she was her boyfriend’s sister.
‘I didn’t do the test,’ said Emily. Lottie looked surprised. ‘I decided it was something Zach should be there for and I told him we needed to talk.’ Lottie began nodding and Emily relaxed. ‘But when I went upstairs, he stayed down here to watch the live episode of EastEnders playing out on your doorstep.’ She sighed at her foiled plan.
‘Typical bloody Zach. He’s rubbish at picking up vibes. You kind of need to spell it out to him.’
‘It’s really difficult with the family around us all the time.’
‘Yes, you’d think in a house this size you’d be able to escape, but you can’t. Summer is better here. The gardens are vast, so there are lots more opportunities to be on your own.’
‘Outside loo?’ asked Emily, only half joking. Lottie shook her head. ‘Then even the gardens aren’t ideal for doing a test,’ pointed out Emily.
‘True,’ said Lottie, with a smile. ‘You know you’re just putting it off now. Right?’
Emily liked that Lottie told it how it was. ‘Yes, I know. But I’m terrified of the result.’
Lottie’s eyes widened. ‘Don’t you want kids?’
‘I do want children,’ said Emily, putting down the tea towel and leaning against the sink. ‘But I want to make the decisions in my life about what I do and when, and right now this is not part of the plan.’ The thought of slipping off the career ladder worried her, as well as her sister’s smug face.
‘Sometimes that’s not possible. Nana used to say that everything happens for a reason and I truly believe that.’
Emily rubbed her tummy. She wished her period would kick in and then everything could go back to normal. She couldn’t believe she’d got herself into this pickle. She was usually so careful. ‘I really don’t know how this happened.’ Lottie tilted her head. It made Emily smile. ‘Well, apart from the obvious.’
‘But you don’t know for sure it has happened until you do the test.’
This was the simple fact – Lottie was right. ‘It’s just a late period right now, and that’s no big deal. But once I do the test then it could be a pregnancy and I really will have to face it. And I’ll have to face Zach.’
‘It is his fault too, you know.’ Lottie’s expression was warm. ‘You shouldn’t have to go through this on your own. Nobody should.’ She seemed to pause for a moment. ‘And I know he’s my brother, but he’s also a decent bloke. If you ignore the nightmare family, of course.’
‘Maybe I was wrong about doing the test together. If I do it and it’s negative then there’s no drama.’
‘And if it’s positive?’
Emily took a deep breath. ‘Then perhaps it would be best if I got my head around it first.’
Lottie was nodding her agreement. ‘I think that sounds like a good plan.’ She checked her list on the table, looked at the clock and then set a kitchen timer. ‘No time like the present,’ she said. ‘Do you want me to come with you?’
For a second Emily almost dismissed the offer out of hand, but there was something so kind and genuine about Lottie that made her feel she needed her around. ‘Maybe just outside the door,’ she suggested.
‘Of course. And we can play this however you want to with Zach. I’ll never breathe a word.’
‘Okay.’ Emily stood up straight. ‘Let’s do this.’
Upstairs, Lottie waited outside the bathroom door and felt uber conspicuous. If anyone came, she was the wrong end of the corridor to make a dash for her room, so she’d have to come up with some sort of an excuse for being there. She’d given Emily a hug before she’d gone inside the bathroom and that had been a few minutes ago, although it felt like a lot longer. Lottie tapped on the door. ‘You okay?’ she whispered.
‘I can’t go,’ came back the hushed response.
‘Ah,’ said Lottie. Having a wee was critical and doing it quickly was equally so. Lottie’s nerves couldn’t cope with the subterfuge of hovering outside the bathroom. If Zach came up she’d probably spontaneously combust. ‘Put the tap on. And think of Niagara Falls.’
After a pause she heard the tap start inside. She waited some more. Oh come on, Emily, she thought. The suspense was killing her and now, thanks to the sound of running water, she needed a wee too. She was quite excited. She didn’t know if she’d ever get to do this herself, so it was nice to share in someone else’s milestone – even if they weren’t ecstatic about it.
A door opening downstairs had her on red alert. She did a high-speed tiptoe across the landing like a cartoon thief and was poised to dart into her bedroom if anyone should come up. She heard a scrabbling sound, and Dave appeared. Someone must have let him out of the drawing room but not thought to supervise him. He trotted up to Lottie and she gave him a pat. ‘Shhh,’ she told him, for no apparent reason, and then crept back to resume her position outside the bathroom with Dave in tow.
‘How’s it going?’ she asked in a stage whisper.
‘Good.’
What did that mean? The Duchess slunk out of Lottie’s bedroom and Dave bolted towards her. Lottie snatched him up and he began barking furiously. In the struggle, Lottie fell against the bathroom door with a bang. A yelp came from inside.
‘What’s happened?’ asked Lottie through the closed door. There was no answer. The Duchess hightailed it downstairs and the fight went out of Dave. He let out a yelp similar to Emily’s. ‘Emily, are you all right?’
The lock turned and the door opened a fraction. ‘You’d better come in,’ said a dejected-looking Emily.
‘Whatever’s wrong?’
Emily pointed at the toilet bowl and Lottie cautiously peered over the rim. Dave, still in her arms, had a look too and wagged his tail. There, floating in the toilet, was the pregnancy tester.
‘I dropped it when there was a bang on the door,’ said Emily, her eyes somehow seeming bigger.
‘Oh, sorry. That was me. And him.’ She turned Dave to face her; he was partly responsible too. They all stared at the white plastic stick floating in the loo. ‘Are you going to fish it out?’
Emily took a slow breath. ‘Ew,’ said Emily with feeling, reaching into the toilet and retrieving the tester. She dropped it by the sink and began washing her hands.
‘What did it say?’ asked Lottie.
‘It won’t work. The toilet’s full of loo Bloo.’ Frustration was evident in Emily’s voice.
A few seconds passed before Emily picked it up by the very tip and held it so they could all see. Dave was particularly interested and was sniffing wildly in the stick’s direction. Lottie focused on the little window.
‘What does two blue smudgy lines mean?’ asked Lottie.
Emily snatched up the packet from the side of the bath and checked the pictures. ‘Positive. It means I’m pregnant.’ Emily was rapidly turning the same colour as the pristine white towels behind her.
‘Or does it mean it’s been dropped in loo Bloo?’ asked Lottie. They had no way of knowing.
Emily sat on the edge of the bath with a thump. ‘But what if it still worked?’ Emily looked at her with frightened eyes.
‘Don’t worry, not all of the madness in the family is hereditary,’ said Lottie.
Lottie vigorously rang the handbell and herded everyone into the dining room, careful to tuck her toes out of the way of a high-speed Bernard. ‘Sorry, Button,’ he said, with a wave.
‘Do we have to sign a waiver form before eating, so we can’t sue you if the food kills us or something?’ asked Zach, chuckling along at his own joke. Lottie stuck her tongue out at him.
The sound of the front door opening and closing made everyone pause. Uncle Daniel slunk in and took his seat. Lottie was pleased to see he had come back.
‘Everything okay?’ she asked.
He wobbled his head. ‘I managed to catch her and we’ve had a bit of a chat. It’s all a bit of a mess. But the situation’s not irretrievable.’
‘That’s good,’ said Lottie, watching everyone else take their seats. ‘No, sorry Scott your place name is over there.’ Lottie indicated the opposite side of the table to Angie – her attempt to divert him from cosying up to her mother. Angie gave her the look of a sulky teenager but sat down in the right place.
‘Where’s Aunt Nicola?’ asked Lottie, which was answered by a series of shrugs. Lottie handed the oven gloves to Emily and started a quick search for her aunt. She grumbled to herself when there was no sign of her on the ground floor. The food would be getting cold. She dashed upstairs and could hear sniffling as she reached the top. She tapped lightly on her aunt’s bedroom door. ‘Aunt Nicola, it’s dinner time.’ Inside Nicola blew her nose loudly and came to the door. Lottie gave a sympathetic smile when she opened it. ‘Are you coming down for some turkey?’
One Family Christmas: The perfect, cosy, heart-warming read to curl up with this winter Page 15