Loving (1981)

by Steel, Danielle

  "It did that for me too." And then silently they toasted her father, finished their blini, and walked back to her hotel arm in arm. He didn't come upstairs with her. But he made a date for Saturday to go to the Bronx Zoo with her and Alexander.

  Chapter 38

  By the end of October Bettina was working on the play almost night and day. She spent endless hours in the drafty theater, and then more hours late at night making changes back at the hotel. Then back to the theater again the next morning to try out the changes and change them again. She never saw Ivo, she hardly saw Ollie, it was all she could do to see Alexander for half an hour a day. But she always made time for him, and sometimes when she was at the theater, Ollie came by to play with him. At least it gave Alexander a man to relate to. And they still had heard nothing from John.

  "I don't understand why he doesn't call me." Bettina looked at Ollie in irritation as she threw her hands up and hung up the phone. "Anything could have happened to him, or to us, and he wouldn't know. I don't know. This is ridiculous. He doesn't answer my letters or my phone calls. He never calls."

  "Are you sure he didn't say anything more definite when you left home, Bettina?" She shook her head, and despite a strange premonition, he didn't dare say anything more. He understood that she considered herself married, and he respected what she felt. The subject changed quickly to her latest agonies about the play.

  "We'll never be ready to open." She looked slightly tired and thinner, but there was something wonderfully alive about her eyes. She loved what she was doing and it showed. And Ollie was always encouraging when she told him her woes.

  "Yes, you will be ready, Bettina. Everybody goes through this. You'll see." But she thought he was crazy as each week they drew nearer to the big day. At last there were no more changes to be made. They went to New Haven for three performances, Boston for two. She made half a dozen more changes after the tryouts, and then she and the director nodded in agreement. Everything that could be had been done. All that remained was to get one night of decent sleep before the opening and spend an agonizing day waiting for night to come. Ollie called her that morning, and she had already been tip since six fifteen.

  "Because of Alexander?"

  But she only chuckled. "No, dummy, because of my nerves."

  "That's why I called you. Can I help keep you amused today?" But he couldn't. For that day and that evening he was The Enemy, a critic, a reviewer. She couldn't bear to spend the day with him and then have him lacerate her play. Because she was certain that he would.

  "Just let me sit here and be miserable. I love it."

  "Well, tomorrow it'll be over."

  She stared gloomily into space. "Maybe so will the play."

  "Oh, shut up, silly. Everything's going to be just fine." But she didn't believe him, and after pacing nervously around her hotel suite and snapping at Alexander, she finally arrived at the theater at seven fifteen. They had more than an hour until curtain but she had to be there. She couldn't stand being anywhere else. She stood in the wings, she walked into the theater, she took a seat, she got up and walked down the aisle, she went back to the wings, then into the alley, back to the stage, back to the seat she had abandoned to roam down the aisle. Finally she decided to walk around the block and didn't give a damn if she got mugged, which she did not. She waited until the last of the stragglers were in the theater, and then she walked in and slipped into an empty seat in the back row. That way if she couldn't bear the tension, she could always leave without making the rest of the audience think that someone hated it so much, they had left.

  Bettina didn't see Ollie in the theater, and when it was over, she didn't even want a ride in Ivo's car. She avoided everyone and left as quickly as she was able, hailed a cab, and went back to her hotel. She had the switchboard tell everyone she was already sleeping, and she sat in a chair all night, waiting to hear the elevator open and the man drop the morning paper outside her door. At four thirty she heard it and she leaped to her feet and ran to the door. Panicking, she tore open the paper, she had to see it ... had to ... what had he written ... what had he ... ? She read it over and over and over as tears poured slowly down her face. Trembling, she went to the phone and dialed his number, and shouting and laughing and crying, she called him names.

  "You bastard ... oh, Ollie ... I love you ... did you like it? I mean really like it? Oh, God, Ollie ... did you?"

  "You're a maniac, Daniels, do you know that? Crazy! Stark-staring crazy! It's four thirty in the morning and I tried to get you all night ... now she calls me, now after I finally gave up and went to bed."

  "But I had to wait to see the paper."

  "You moron, I could have read you my review at eleven fifteen last night."

  "I couldn't have stood it. What if you had hated it?"

  "I couldn't have hated it, you silly ass. It's brilliant. Absolutely brilliant!"

  "I know." She absolutely glowed at him, purring. "I read the review."

  But he was laughing and happy, and he promised to meet her for breakfast in a few hours, whenever she called him after she got some sleep. But before she took off her clothes and went to bed, she asked the operator for another number. Maybe at that hour she'd find him at home, or he'd be caught unaware and he'd answer the phone. But still there was no answer. And she had wanted so badly to tell John that the play was a success. Instead she decided to call Seth and Mary, and they were thrilled for her even though she'd gotten them out of bed. And at last, as the sun came up, Bettina settled into her own bed, with a broad grin on her face and the newspaper spread out all over the bed.

  Chapter 39

  "So, kid, what now? Now that you're on the road to fame." Ollie grinned at her happily over poached eggs and a bottle of champagne. They had met in Bettina's hotel for their late breakfast and she still looked stunned and worn out and elated and shocked all at the same time.

  "I don't know. I guess I'll stick around for a couple of weeks and make sure that everything goes smoothly, and then I'll go home. I told John I'd be back for Christmas, and I guess I will." But now she looked a little vague. She had had no contact with him for three months and she was seriously worried about him, and about what she would tell the child.

  "And professionally, Bettina? Any other stroke of genius in mind?"

  "I don't know yet." She grinned at him slowly. "I've been playing with an idea lately, but it hasn't taken hold in my head."

  "When it does, can I read it?" He looked almost as happy as she.

  "Sure. Would you really want to?"

  "I'd love it." And then, as she looked at him, she realized that she was going to miss him terribly when she left. She had gotten used to their long chatty exchanges, their phone calls every day, their frequent lunches, their occasional dinners with Ivo and, whenever possible, alone. He had become almost like her brother. And leaving him was going to be like leaving home. "What are you looking so morbid about all of a sudden?" He had seen the look of anguish on her face.

  "I was just thinking of leaving you when I go home."

  "Don't get yourself too worked up about it, Bettina. You'll be back here before you know it, and you'll probably see me more than you'll want to. I go back and forth to the Coast several times a year."

  "Good." She smiled at him a little more happily. "By the way do you want to have dinner with me and Ivo, my last night in New York?"

  "I'd love to. Where are we going?"

  "Does it matter?" She grinned at him.

  "No, but I figure it'll be some place wonderful."

  "With Ivo it always is."

  And it was. It was La Cote Basque, at his favorite table, and the dinner he had specially ordered was superb. There were quenelles to begin with, after they had had champagne and caviar; there was a delicate hearts of palm salad, filet mignon, wonderful little mushrooms flown in fresh from France, and for dessert a souffle Grand Marnier. The three of them ate with a passion, and then sat back to enjoy coffee and an after-dinner liqueur.

>   "So, little one, you leave us." He looked at her with a gentle smile.

  "Not for very long though, Ivo. I'll probably be back soon."

  I hope so." But as Ollie walked her back to her hotel she thought Ivo had looked oddly pensive.

  She turned to look at her friend then. "Did you hear what he said to me when he kissed me good-bye? "Fly well, little bird.' And then he just kissed me and got Into his car."

  "H'e's probably just tired, and he's probably sad to see you go." And then he smiled at her slowly. "So am I."

  She nodded. She hated to leave him too. Hated to leave them both. Suddenly it felt as though she belonged here. She had put her roots back in the sod of New York in the last three months. It was cold, it was dreary, it was crowded, the cabbies were rude, and people never held doors open, but there was a bustle, a texture, an excitement. It was going to be tough to match in Mill Valley, waiting for Alexander to come home from school. Even Alexander had felt it, and except to see his father, he wasn't very anxious to leave.

  Ollie took them to the airport, and he waved long and hard as Alexander reluctantly wandered toward the plane. He blew a kiss to Bettina, and then he left the airport and went home and got roaring drunk. But Bettina didn't have the same luxury. She had to be sober to face John. She hadn't sent him a note to warn him that she was arriving, and she hadn't even warned Mary and Seth. She wanted to surprise everyone, And their bags were filled with Christmas presents for John, Mary, and Seth, and all the kids.

  The weather was mild and gentle when they reached the airport. It was five thirty in the afternoon. They found a cab that would take them to Mill Valley and they both got in. Alexander was beginning to get very excited. He was finally going to see his Daddy, after three long months. And he was going to tell him all about New York, and the zoo, and his friends, and what they had done in school. He hopped all over Bettina, and she grinned stoically as he elbowed and kneed her, preparing all that he was going to say.

  It seemed forever before they pulled into the familiar driveway, and Bettina couldn't repress a smile. It did feel good to be home. The driver began to unload their luggage, and Bettina went to open the front door. But when she inserted the key in the lock, she found that her key would no longer fit. She turned it one way, then the other, pushed the door, jiggled the doorknob and then she looked up in astonishment, understanding what had happened. John had changed the locks. It seemed a very childish trick.

  In a state of stupefaction Bettina hurried next door. She had paid the driver and told him to just push the bags into the garage. So she took Alexander by the hand and they crossed the backyard. She knocked on Mary's back door.

  "Oh, my God! ... Betty!" She took her quickly into her arms, and then Alexander, who was being loudly welcomed by his friends. "Oh, have I missed you!" And then she called out behind her. "Seth! They're back." He came to the doorway, smiling, and held out his arms. But the warm welcome was quickly over and she looked from one to the other and explained about her key.

  "I don't understand it." And then softly, as they walked into the living room, she looked over her shoulder and faced them. "I guess John had the locks changed."

  But Mary was looking unhappy, and Seth finally raised his eyes. "Betty, sit down, honey. I've got some fairly stiff news." Oh, God, had something happened? Had something happened to him while she was gone? But why did no one call her? She felt her face go suddenly white. But Seth shook his head slowly. "It's nothing like that. But as his attorney, I had to respect his confidence. He came to me after you left and he insisted that I not say anything to you. It's been"--he seemed to hesitate awkwardly--" it's been damn difficult, to tell you the truth."

  "It's all right, Seth. Whatever it is, you can tell me now."

  He nodded slowly, and then looked at Mary before he looked back at her. "I know. I have to. Betty, he filed for divorce the day after you left."

  "He did? But I never got any papers."

  Seth shook his head firmly. "You don't have to. Remember when you divorced your ex-husband? In this state it's called a dissolution and all that's required is for one spouse to want out. He did. And that was that."

  "How nice and simple." She took a deep breath. "So when is the final decree?"

  "I'd have to look it up, but I think it's in about three more months."

  "And he changed the locks on the house?" Now she understood why he never answered her letters or phone calls while she was working on the play.

  But Seth was shaking his head again. "He sold the house, Betty. He's not there anymore."

  This time she looked truly shocked. "But what about our things? My things ... the things we bought together.... "

  "He left you some boxes, and suitcases with your clothes, and all of Alexander's toys." She felt her head begin to reel as she listened.

  "And Alexander? He's not going to fight me for him?" She was suddenly grateful that she had taken the boy to New York. What if he had disappeared with Alexander? She would have died.

  But now Seth seemed to hesitate before he spoke. "He--he doesn't want to see the boy again, Betty. He says he's all yours."

  "Oh, my God." Slowly she stood up and went to the doorway, where she met the eyes of her son.

  He looked up at her, his eyes filled with questions. "Where's Daddy, Mom?"

  But she only shook her head slowly. "He's not here, sweetheart. He went away on a trip."

  "Just like us? To New York?" He looked intrigued and Bettina fought back tears.

  "No, darling, not to New York."

  And then he looked at her strangely, as though he knew. "Are we going back to New York, Mommy?"

  "I don't know, sweetheart, maybe. Would you like that?"

  He looked at her, smiling broadly. "Yeah. I was just telling them about the big zoo." It shocked her that he wasn't more anxious for his father, but maybe it was just as well. And then slowly she turned to face Seth and Mary, with tears in her eyes and a lopsided grin.

  "Well, so much for Betty Fields." But she hadn't been that for three months now. In New York, as a playwright, she had been Bettina Daniels. And maybe, she realized, that was who she should always have been. She looked back at her two friends. "Can we stay with you for a few days?"

  "As long as you like." And then Mary held out her arms and hugged her. "And, baby, we're so sorry. He's a fool." But it wasn't the bird of paradise he had wanted. He had wanted the little gray and brown bird. Secretly Bettina had known it all along.

  Chapter 40

  Bettina and Alexander left San Francisco the day after Christmas, and after much soul-searching she sent the boxes filled with their possessions ahead to her hotel in New York.

  "But I've been here for six years, Mary."

  "I know. But do you really want to stay here now?"

  Bettina had thought about it endlessly for the two lonely weeks they were there, and by the time Christmas came, she knew that what Mary was saying was more than just a question of what city she wanted to live in. Everyone she had known in San Francisco was a friend of John's. Suddenly people who had been warm and friendly ignored her completely when they met her on the street. She not only wore the stigma of divorce, but of success.

  And so, on the day after Christmas they got on the plane, and Ollie met them at the other end. It was odd, it didn't feel to Bettina as though she had just left home, instead it felt like she was coming back to it as she got off the plane in New York. Ollie swept Alexander into his arms and buried him in the folds of a huge raccoon coat.

  "Where did you get that? It's super." Bettina looked at him with a broad smile.

  "My Christmas present to me." And he had several for Bettina and Alexander in the backseat of the limousine he had rented to take her back to her hotel. It had snowed the day before Christmas, and there were still a few inches of snow along the side of the road.

  But as they drove back to the city she had left only two weeks before, she sensed something different about Ollie, something quiet and tense. She
waited until Alexander was busy with the teddy bear, the fire truck with the siren, and the set of battery-operated cars on the floor of the limousine, and then she looked over at him quietly.

  "Is something wrong?"

  Unconvincingly he shook his head. "How about you, Bettina?"

  She shrugged, and then smiled. "It feels good to be back."

  "Does it?" She nodded. But there was still something sad in her eyes. "Was it rough out there for your"

  She nodded slowly. "Kind of. I guess I just didn't expect it. None of it." She mused for a moment "When we got in from the airport, we went to the house, and I thought he had changed the locks."

  "Had he?"

  She shook her head grimly. "No. He had sold the house."

  "Without telling you?" Ollie looked horrified. "How did he eventually break the news?"

  Ruefully Bettina smiled. "He didn't. My neighbors did." And then she looked long and hard at Ollie. I never spoke to him while we were out there. Apparently he filed for divorce three and a half months ago, as soon as we left for New York"

  "My God ... and he never told you?" She shook her head. "What about ... ?" He nodded his head toward Alexander and she nodded quick understanding.

  "He says that's finished too."

  "He won't see him?" He looked deeply shocked.

  "He says not."

  "Have you explained that?"

  She looked pensive. "More or less." And then she sighed softly. "It was an interesting two weeks. And that was just the bad news. The good news was almost worse. Every time I ran into someone I knew, acquaintances, or old friends, they stomped all over me, either bluntly or with kind of backhanded nasties." She chuckled softly, relieved to have left it. "It was a terrible two weeks."

  "And now what?"

  "I look for an apartment tomorrow, put Alexander back in school after the Christmas vacation, and I go to work on my new play."

  Bettina watched while he stared out the window. At last she touched his arm gently and held his eyes with her own.

  "Ollie ... are you all right?"