Clowns vs Spiders

by Jeff Strand

  Pain shot through his flesh wherever the spiders bit him. Pretty soon everything hurt.

  It looked like Harvey was going to make it to freedom, though.

  Elwood took that small bit of solace as he flopped over in his seat and was covered by a blanket of spiders.

  CHAPTER SIX

  The crying little girl's parents quickly escorted her from the Scary Clown Room. They did not look back at Jaunty with raw hatred in their eyes, but he kind of wished that they did. He deserved it.

  Depravo gave him a thumbs-up. With the makeup and poor lighting, Depravo obviously couldn't see how heartsick Jaunty was over this. He wasn't "slash his own wrists" heartsick, but he did feel like he was going to throw up. The guests would think it was part of the experience, if perhaps more graphic than they wished, but the other clowns wouldn't appreciate seeing him vomit. Jaunty signaled to Depravo that he needed a break, then went through the exit door.

  The actors in the haunted house were allowed to take occasional breaks, since nobody would be frightened by monsters who'd wet their pants, but you were supposed to wait until there was a gap in the line. Jaunty didn't care if he got chewed out. This was an emergency.

  He stepped into the hallway and took a moment to catch his breath and wait for the urge to vomit to fade.

  He'd made a sweet, innocent little girl cry.

  Of course, it was bound to happen. Tens of thousands of people would come through this attraction over the next six weeks. Little girls were going to cry over the scary clowns. There was no possibility of avoiding this scenario, so it was good that it happened early on the first night. He'd be prepared for the next time.

  But Jaunty didn't want to be prepared for the sight of a little girl that he'd made cry. This should always be upsetting. He should never, ever think to himself, "Oh well, that's part of the job. She'll get over it."

  He simply was not cut out for this line of work.

  He didn't want to get the others in trouble, but he didn't think he could go back in there.

  Depravo wouldn't punish the other clowns. He'd fire Jaunty, and then Jaunty would wash off his makeup and go get a job as a coffee barista or something. Perhaps he'd wear his red clown nose to amuse the customers. No, management probably wouldn't allow it. Either way, he'd find some other job until they were back doing a non-evil clown show. The others would understand.

  Maybe.

  Or maybe not. None of them wanted to be doing this. If he was the only one to quit, the other clowns might hold it against him. They might banish him from the trailer they were renting. He might have to eat his macaroni and cheese alone.

  Get back in there. Stop acting like you're superior to the others.

  He wondered how long he could get away with not jumping out at people before Depravo noticed. Not long.

  He leaned against the wall, closed his eyes, and did some deep breathing exercises. Maybe if he took a couple of minutes to focus, to clear his mind, he could walk back in there and do the scary job that he was being paid for.

  Just a couple of minutes.

  Less than one minute later, the door opened. Depravo walked into the hallway.

  "What's up?" he asked, sounding annoyed.

  "Just composing myself."

  "You need to stop being such a fucking baby about this. We hired real clowns so you could do all that acrobatic shit, but we never imagined how whiny you would be. 'Waaahhh, a little girl is going to have nightmares!' Nobody forced her to come in here. Well, maybe her parents did, but now they've learned a valuable lesson. And do you know what irritates me the most?"

  "What?" Jaunty asked.

  "You could've just pretended you were taking a dump. You could've worked out your issues in the bathroom, told me that dinner didn't agree with you and you had a massive blast of diarrhea, and I wouldn't have said anything about it. Instead, you're standing here looking like you're having a dark night of the soul, and it pisses me off."

  "I'm sorry."

  "You're fired."

  Jaunty lowered his eyes and sighed.

  "Do you have anything to say to that?" Depravo asked.

  "What can I say? I understand your decision."

  "See, the thing is, you weren't even really fired. I wanted you to promise to do better. But now you are fired."

  "I'll do better."

  "Too late."

  "No, wait. I did have a very dark couple of minutes of the soul, and I decided that I couldn't let my friends down."

  "Believe me, we're not friends."

  "I meant the other clowns," said Jaunty.

  "Oh. Yeah, okay, that makes more sense."

  "But I do consider us friends."

  "Whatever."

  "Even with the age difference."

  "You're still fired."

  "Actually, I don't think you have the authority to fire me."

  "Technically, no," Depravo admitted. "But if I tell our boss that you've been derelict in your duties and that I think you should be let go, he'll fire you, no questions asked."

  "You're probably right."

  "I am right. So if I say you're fired, you can consider yourself good and fired, even if the official firing doesn't happen until later."

  "You don't need to fire me. I looked deep within myself and discovered a renewed commitment to the cause of being a scary clown. I'm no longer Jaunty the Clown. I'm Haunty the Clown."

  Depravo considered that for a moment. "Haunty is a good name," he said. "I'm surprised we didn't come up with that sooner."

  "While we're standing here talking, people have two fewer clowns to frighten them, and that's just wrong. Give me one more chance. I promise it won't happen again."

  "Fine. But only because you're a good juggler. Now get your ass out there and be scary!"

  * * *

  "Are you fucking kidding me?" asked Depravo, seven minutes later.

  "Did you hear the way she was sobbing?" Jaunty asked. "The sound of a crying child is not magical to me, okay? It stabs me in the heart! I can't do this!"

  "We post warnings all over the place saying that the attraction may not be suitable for children under twelve! If parents choose to ignore them, that's not our problem! You promised me it wouldn't happen again!"

  "I know."

  "To me it would be a badge of honor if I could make two kids cry within ten minutes of each other! I'd ask for a goddamn Mountain of Terror gold medal! You're living the dream! But, nooooo, instead of patting yourself on the back you've gotta go the self-loathing route! It's pathetic! You're fired again!"

  "You can't fire me," said Jaunty. "I quit."

  "No, I can fire you, because you didn't quit before I told you that you were fired. This isn't a quit. This is a firing."

  "All you're doing is recommending that I be fired. You're setting up a future event. I'm quitting now."

  "I never actually said that you weren't fired before. You might have been trespassing for these past few minutes. So the wheels of the machinery that were going to lead to your firing were turning before you quit."

  "I think you mean cogs."

  "No, I mean wheels, you pedantic motherfucker!"

  "Sorry. I shouldn't have corrected you. I'm under a lot of stress right now."

  "Get out of here," said Depravo. "And don't leave with your head held high. I want you to walk out of here with your head hung, your shoulders slumped over, and your goddamn feet dragging along the floor. There's no glory to what is happening here. It's all shame. A great big cloud of shame. I want everybody who sees you to know that you're a broken man. They should wonder if you'll ever be whole again, and the answer is a big fat no. In your attempts to salvage the dignity of the clown race, you've brought disgrace to clowns everywhere! You fucking suck, Jaunty! Now get out of here. Just looking at you makes my eyes sick! Go away! Fuck off! Leave!"

  The door opened and Guffaw stepped into the hallway. "Is everything all right?"

  "No, everything is not all right," said Depravo.

&nb
sp; "Please don't fire him for making those little girls cry," said Guffaw. "He didn't mean to do it. It's the makeup. He's too scary. Maybe we can tone it down a bit."

  "That's not why he's fired! He's fired for being a total pussy!"

  "Also, I quit," said Jaunty.

  "You quit?"

  "His firing overrides the quit," said Depravo. "And now we've got three clowns yapping away in the hallway while paying customers walk through the Scary Clown Room that now has a distinct scarcity of scary clowns! Guffaw, get the fuck back in there! I'll get the fuck back in there, too! Jaunty—and, yeah, you've forfeited the name Haunty—get the fuck out of here!"

  Guffaw took a step forward. "Could we—"

  "We'll talk about it tonight," said Jaunty. "Don't worry about me. Go out there and be scary."

  Guffaw looked uncertain, but then he nodded and left. Depravo gave Jaunty the finger with his right hand, then his left, then with both hands at once, before returning to the Scary Clown Room.

  Jaunty was not going to leave with his head hung. Yes, he felt miserable right now, but he'd eventually stood his moral ground. A cloud of shame would not follow him. Though he also didn't deserve to walk out with his head held high. He'd walk out with his head in a normal position.

  The Mountain of Terror hadn't been open long enough for any of the cast members to be taking breaks yet, so all he saw as he walked down the winding hallway were a couple of the medics who were stationed around the attraction. He smiled and waved as he passed them. No need to burden them with his problems.

  He reached the exit door, took one last look around, realized that because it was basically just an empty hallway there was nothing to get nostalgic about, and walked out of the building.

  Wow. The queue of people waiting to get inside the haunted house was nuts! He'd known it was a popular attraction, but until he saw everybody in line it hadn't sunk in just how popular. They'd never had lines like this for the circus.

  "Mommy, it's a clown!" said a little girl.

  Jaunty looked at her and waved.

  The little girl burst into tears and buried her face in her mother's skirt.

  Right. He was still made up as a scary clown. Now was not the right time to be waving to young children.

  He spat out the fangs and removed his contact lenses. Then he ran his palm over his face a few times, trying to wipe off the makeup.

  As he walked past, a man called out to him. "Disturbing smear to the makeup, bro! Good job!"

  Jaunty wanted to punch something. Not a human or an animal or an object that he might damage, and not hard enough to injure his hand, but he wanted to hit a punching bag or something like that. Or he'd punch the air. He couldn't punch the air now because he didn't want any kids to see a creepy clown swinging his fist like he'd gone insane, but as soon as he was away from the crowd he was going to fully express his frustration. The air around him was doomed.

  * * *

  "They lie about the wait," said Larry.

  "What do you mean?" asked Penny.

  "It says that we've got a two hour and fifteen minute wait from this point, but we'll be in there in two hours five minutes, tops. See, if they tell you that you're going to stand in line for two hours and fifteen minutes, and you only stand in line for two hours and five minutes, you're happy. You feel like you lucked out. If they tell you that you're going to stand in line for an hour and forty-five minutes, and you stand in line for two hours, you're pissed. In the first scenario you're happy, and in the second scenario you're pissed, even though in the first scenario you spent five minutes longer in line. It's all psychological. Promise small, deliver big."

  Larry hoped that Penny was impressed by his explanation of how line-waiting times worked. It was their first date, and he'd used up a lot of his best material on the drive over. It worried him that Penny might have already known that they exaggerated the wait times, and her nodding was just to be polite. Damn it! He was always doing this. He was always sharing information that the recipient already knew.

  "Did you already know that?" he asked.

  Penny shook her head. "Oh, no," she said, but her tone was unconvincing.

  "You'd tell me if you did, right?" he asked. Damn it! Now he sounded desperate! He was always sounding desperate! This was why he was in college and still technically a virgin.

  This was going to be a really long two hours and five minutes. Worth it, though, if she got scared—or, better, pretended to get scared—and grabbed him. He was worried that he might get startled and grab her, but he'd be as vigilant as possible to make sure the many jump scares therein didn't impact him.

  Instead of answering his question, Penny stared at him as if he'd just said something stupid like "You'd tell me if you did, right?" This date was going horribly. Maybe he should fake the stomach flu before she made up her own excuse to end it.

  They avoided eye contact with each other for a few moments.

  "Whoa, look at that," said Penny, pointing.

  A spider was crawling toward them. A big one, too big to be real. Had to be remote control. Whoever designed it had done an excellent job, because it was moving exactly like a real spider. Larry also supposed it could be a hologram, though he honestly didn't know if hologram technology had reached the point yet where it could create the convincing illusion of a giant spider crawling along pavement toward them.

  Two guys next to them also noticed the spider. "That thing is wicked!" one of them said.

  "Here, spider, spider, spider!" said the other, beckoning to it.

  "Look at that design work," said Larry. "That's some serious attention to detail."

  "What kind of spider is that?" Penny asked.

  Larry knew this! "A wolf spider," he said. "I mean, obviously not a real wolf spider. That's just the kind it was modeled after."

  "I knew it wasn't a real wolf spider," said Penny.

  "I know you knew that," said Larry. "I didn't mean that you thought it was a real spider." Maybe he should just shut up for the next couple of hours.

  The spider was only a few feet away. Apart from the size, it was shockingly realistic. There was nothing to give away that it was merely a remote controlled haunted house prop. If this was the kind of stuff they had to entertain guests while they stood in line, Larry couldn't imagine how cool the haunted house would be once they finally got inside.

  It kept moving toward them.

  Larry, Penny, and the other two guys stepped out of the way as the spider actually crawled into the queue. This was surprising. If somebody got spooked, they might stomp on it, and this thing had to be really expensive. Maybe it was super durable.

  Even this close, it was believable as a real spider. The legs moved perfectly, and its fangs were twitching. If he found something like this while he was out walking, he might've thought it was a real spider that got too close to some toxic waste.

  Another guy next to them in line nudged the woman next to him. "Check that out!"

  She looked down, screamed, and stomped on the extremely expensive remote controlled spider. It splattered. When she lifted her foot, a thick line of ooze stretched from the bottom of her shoe to its body, like cheese on a piece of pizza.

  Larry frowned. Was it a puppet? No, that was ridiculous, there was no puppeteer. But if it wasn't an electronic spider and it wasn't a real one, what the hell was it?

  Of course it wasn't a real one. It was too big, right?

  While the woman scraped her shoe across the cement to wipe off the slime, Larry noticed that a couple more spiders were crawling toward the people in line. He couldn't help becoming a little nervous. He wasn't sure what lacked more credibility: real live giant-sized spiders, or animatronic spiders with a realistic covering of spider guts that the Mountain of Terror wanted people to step on.

  He didn't want to share his "these might be real spiders" theory with Penny, since she might just shake her head sadly and walk away without a word. But he genuinely did not have a good feeling about this.

/>   "I think those are real spiders," said Penny.

  "I think so, too! I totally think they're real!"

  "What do we do?"

  "Don't let them crawl on us."

  There weren't just two more coming. There were a bunch. Larry felt like he should warn people. He waved both hands in the air. "Hey, everyone! Everyone?"

  The crowd was too noisy. If he'd had a gun, he could've shot it in the air to shock everybody into silence, but of course he didn't have a gun. So he just kept shouting.

  "Everybody! Everybody! Hey, I need everybody to listen!"

  The people in close vicinity were looking at him, but nobody else was paying attention. He needed to get out of line and find a microphone. They had to have some sort of speaker system here, right?

  "I'll be right back," he told Penny, as he slipped out of line.

  * * *

  Jaunty watched some guy near the end of the line duck underneath the cordon and start jogging toward the main entrance. There was a bit of a commotion amongst the people who'd been standing next to him. A woman was checking the bottom of her shoes as if she'd stepped in doggie doo. He wondered what was going on.

  More commotion. People started backing away.

  Jaunty couldn't see anything that was scaring them, unless maybe an actor in a zombie costume was crawling along the ground toward them. Though they didn't seem to be backing away in a giggly this-is-a-fun-kind-of-scare manner.

  He walked around to get a better view of what might be causing this reaction.

  Something was crawling toward them. Crabs? Were there crabs moving toward the people in line? Where would crabs come from? Had somebody set a bunch of crabs loose as a prank? Jaunty hadn't heard anything about the Mountain of Terror authorizing this kind of thing. They had actors going around to entertain the crowd while they waited, but they wouldn't want something that would cause chaos in the line. Crowd management was difficult enough as it was.

  Jaunty ran over there to see if he could help.

  CHAPTER SEVEN